all i ever wanted in my life is to be where i am today. I thought happiness came with all the things I have going on for me or had going on for me.. that is/was not the case. Happiness is a state of mind, and a moment of finally being at ease with oneself... that is something I have not learnt. My desire for more, has caused me to be unable to realize happiness, and truly appreciate the things I do have.. and my need for perfectionism has caused me to never truly be happy. I don't realize the great in me, and never have. I constantly need the reassurance, and that is one of my greatest downfall as a human being. THE greatest downfall i have is never believing a compliment. I once was naive, and came to realization of it, but now I don't know how to be naive anymore. I don't know where to find that middle ground. everything is so black and white for me, when it comes to myself.

In all honesty, i just dont care about anyone anymore. I care more about myself, and all the stupid shit that I put on myself. I pity me, and am obsessed about pitying myself. When, in reality, there's nothing to pity. I hate myself, cause I have nothing to complain aboout but only create things to complain about. I am the epitomy of a DRAMA QUEEN.. but only to myself.  How the fuck does that even happen?

I self sabatoge always. I'm scared of truly being great, and truly being satisfied with something. I'm scared of facing the end of things, so I let things linger, and I put things off consistently just so I have a reason to keep doing something. I don't want to settle, but in putting things off, I am settling in a way. I don't get it. I have lost motivation, and don't know where it has gone. If anyone finds it, PLEASE RETURN! haha.

I have finally met a guy. Someone who ideally should make me feel like the HAPPIEST me in my whole entire span of being able to breathe. Ive been waiting for this moment my whole life. It's alllllll ive ever wanted. But for some fucking reason the magic isnt there. Maybe ive built up to it for so long that I just dont know now? Or maybe it was the whole justin fiasco that has made me cautious. I don't know. I wanna say i'm just being careful but truth be told, I don't really know if i'm in to him? I am but i am not fully. There's just some things that I wish were better.. dont jump to conclusions. Things like conversation-wise. We hardly talk, and when we do it's really surface small talk. I don't know how to connect with him more. And, i'm scared he's just gonna be another douche bag... i see it in him. but i don't know if i'm creating it in my head and waiting for that "AHA told you so" moment. He is kind of a dick when it comes to telling me what to do.. ( i know that sounds bad as a sentence as it is).. but i mean like asking me to do something, he just tells me what to do like a fucking douche bag. He has no filter in a way, and doesn't know how to be nice about it? (am i sounding like a princess here?) I don't mean sugar coat it, but at least be able to accept the option of me saying no would be nice? or maybe even give me the option of doing so. Just don't be a d-bag. that is all haha.

I'm scared for the day he tells me he loves me. Cause i can't say it back.. and i dont know if i'll ever feel that way about him. I feel bad, cause i feel like i shouldn't even be in this if i am thinking and feeling that. I feel like i'm using him, but i'm not. I'm still trying to feel this out. My mind constantly toggles between ending it, and just keep going out of the curiosity of where it might go? I definitely feel like he's more into it than i am. but maybe not cause we havn't talked about anything, but we just know that we are "together".

The thing that pisses me off about him the most is the fact that I feel like he doens't take me seriously. He thinks i'm just being cute... i just don't wanna be a bitch that's all. but don't take that as me knowing nothing.

If i were a third party looking into this, I'd say that I'm in a situation where I'm just waiting for that one thing he'll do to end this. Looking for a way out. I feel like the guy in this situation. I like him, but im terrified of where this might be headed? I don't see us lasting for years upon years. I see this as a "casual" short term thing. Who knows though, this is new still. We started hanging out as jsut friends in October, and things didn't become more clear (/progressed) til mid/end of December. I guess we'll just have to .. wait it out? someone please help me. tell me if this is normal! tell me if i need to stop this? i feel like i'm insane.

I have been seeing a counsellor for the past 14 weeks, been going once a week, and had my last session last thursday. It was really nice to talk to a third party about everything. She really helped me get over Justin and worked through some lingering shit that was on my mind. I decided to go see someone cause I felt like i've exhausted everyone about it. And for someone else that just doesnt know me and hear me out about it, it really helps.

I want to get my life together, and get on with this job shit. but i know i wont be good at it because of my personality. I fucking hate people (THERE i finally admitted it). These past couple of years, I have become more reluctant about meeting people. I dont like the idea of it. I like the people I know, and dont wanna make new friends, or care to have new people in my life. I just wanna spend time with the ones that are already in my life. But that being said, I'm in a really selfish stage in my life right now.. where I only care about myself, and no one else. Yes, i know.. I suck as a person. This is coming from the person that once said "The best thing about me is being the best friend to everyone in my life". I have lost the ability to care. My brain shuts off when people talk. Which causes me to be in a dilemma - reevaluate my career choice, or revive my empathy. I've been trying to work on the latter, but no luck so far. I don't mean for my brain to shut off when people talk... but i just don't know how to be sincere anymore. everything i say seems to come off as being forced. I fucking hate it. My anxiety kicks in too a lot of the time, and I just cant focus. it feels like i have ADHD.

i still think about him. i think about the possibilities of what if i stayed. I create endings to imagined destinies - never any good ones, of course. It comforts me, if I even think any good could have came from it then i just dwell. I live as if I'm the only one who knows grief. My soul is weak, and mentally i'm brittle. I've gotten what I wanted - hiatus. I wanted to turn my brain and stop thinking, and that i have done. Yeah, i feel like i've definitely digressed as a human being, and lack a lot of motivation and have done very little for the world for the past 3 years. I don't know sustenance, i have no self worth - i'm dead broke, man. I think i have become the world's most materialistic shallow self-indulging waste of space.

Monday, March 21, 2011

do we live by wht we preach? do we preach to live? or do we preach in hopes to change? so, the question is as follows.. since we are human, are we humane? we, as humans, have always been told to listen, and to listen to what we are told and to act accordingly.. but as we grow older, we find that there are so much to that then what we were told. We find indifferences, and politics. We find controversy, and thus feeling lost when we are given too much freedom. So what do we do? we find others to listen to, and we find our own paths. It is up to us to utilize what we were told into who we are; to better ourselves, and to become better. We see the impurities, but wht is to be considered impure? It's what are to be considered indifferent. We're quick to point out the flaws in others.. it's like our own pychologicl confrontation with the flaws we see in ourselves, or are maybe unable to see. What makes us particularly better than anyone else? Cause we have a roof over our heads? Cause we have paying jobs? everything seems to be about socil status, everything seems to be about everything. We all challenge each other, but when asked to be challenged, do we take it up? Some do, others find excuses to not, some build a wall and become defensive. We know the difference between right and wrong, but knowing is not doing. What makes us so righteous to judge others?

Taiwan Day 2 - breakfast= li or lo mein with chilli peanut sauce ($35/45nt) • Went to yangmingshan (almost an hr on bus fron jiantian mrt station) had a taro popsicle. ($25 nt) • went to.moca taipei contemporary art museum, walked throuhh underground mall • went to danshui, walked around street market, had peanut w/chocolate sauce shaved.ice ($70nt), sausage ($35nt). • took ferry ($100nt round trip) across the water to.watch sunset on bridge. • tried.to.go.to restaurant on zjonziang but closed ended.up at tgifridays. Cheesy cheese burger ($430nt) Day 3- jun 28 • checked out at 12, left luggage at lobby • taxi'd to ifc ($115nt was busy) • ate in food court 1st (chicken &pork w/veggie, soup&rice $160nt) •went up to 89th floor ($450nt adult price) • afterwent to neoghboring mall to eat a red w/custard like substance wrpped in pancake ($100nt/3) • back to hptwl to pick up luggage • take bus to chiufen

i have too much anger in me, and i dont know how to direct it. i feel it brewing, i'm scared that one day its just gonna explode. afraid that i'll lose control. whats the root of it? i dont know. well, a lot of things. mainly myself, i suppose. cause there's no one to blame but within me.

thizzed on friday

went to hali greek fest, in purcell cove.

"grind on me, wind on me, then turn around and put your behind on me. "

justin did half a cap, and i did a full. we dancedd.

went to the dirty dome again last saturday, for like an hour.

was at joce's before that. that was fun, except i don't do drinking games, and that's all that it was really.. except for we danced for like the last 1 or 2 hours?

we were bumping and grinding, and apparently people kept looking at us, and saying "it's like they're having sex on the dance floor"

hahahahah

i know how to move, fuck'ya'll.

dear whoever is going to spend the time to read this,

my name is jessica, and I am nothing but a no one. Everyone deserves a girl better than me. I carry too much baggage, and am nothing but a mimic of everyone else. I have no originality, and I am too scared to face life.

I live my life for everyone else, and not for myself. I get myself involved with everyone else's life just so i don't need to deal with mine. I feel like I have reached my end, and I am very lost. I am not happy with the girl that I have turned out to be. I am nothing but an arrogant failure. I see no hope in challenges but rather as a dead end. I give up too easily, and I have no motivation to change.

I am nothing but a loathing sloth. I seemed to have lost all appreciation for society, and mostly myself, but hey.. i never had the appreciation to lose for myself to start with.

i've been stuck in this rut for the last 7 years of my life where I just want to kill myself. I am ugly, and I am fat. I have a downy personality, and I seem to have no sense of intelligence left in me. Trust me, I'm far from a prize possession. I have a lot of issues to deal with, and I just don't know where to start, and I just don't know if I"m ready to let go of them. I feel as though it gives me the cahracter that I need. It gives me something to talk about. Cause' I'm far too stupid to follow up on anything around the world. It has gottent to the extent where ti feels like an addiction now. Where i just walk down the street, and think of different scenarios of how I'm going to do it. Maybe it's a cry for help, or maybe it's going to be my demise, I just don't know yet. I've been fighting this for too long.

I have been alone for the majority of my life, and I am still a virgin. This is as raw I'll ever be.. so bare with me.

My family has tried to give me and my brother the best life that they could give us, and I have done nothing but basicaly spit in their face, and fucking pour salt in their open wounds.

I feel if they had just given me up, their lives would just be soooo much better. I feel as if I'm the problem to every problem that involves me.

For the last year, my brain has shut off, and I am no longer the girl that everyone has grown up with. I've gone AWOL. I'm a fucking pyscho bitch, who just don't want to give a fuck anymore. I am no longer happy... though something just tells me that I was never happy to start with.

My parents showed us love with showering us with gifts, when all I wanted was words of wisdom. I don't want things, I want advice. I want to be able to share myself with people without having them look at me like I"m seriuosly going to slit my wrists right infront of their face.

Don't FUCKING ACCUSE ME OF ANYTHING.

I know my parents meant well. They just had too high of expectations for us. I don't want to end up like them.. but I feel like I am already them.


My brother, my god do I love my brother. He was the only reason that kept me alive for so long. I love my brother to death, and I'll do anything for him. But i know i've failed him. I'm fucking shallow, and I need to stop burning my bridges, espeically when it comes to people that i truly care about.


This past year has changed everything about me. I actually believed that my life was going to begin. I believed that for once i was going to open myself up to someone else. I know love when it's around and it's love, baby. Life was just so much better when He didn't tell me that he loves me. He just can't help but still be a bachelor. He doesn't want to commit, but who am i to blame. I'm scared as fuck when it comes to thinking about committment. I believed that someone loved me.

What have I become? Why am I driving myself crazy with all these thoughts? Why can't I just be? It's because I just don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to do anything if I have to do it alone.

I have nothing to live for, and I feel like I have nothing else to give. I don't want to die alone, but I believe that I am going to die alone. I am, in no doubt, a sorry excuse for a human being - I am a waste of space. I'm not good at anything, and my only purpose in life is to be the best of a friend that I can be to people.

love and be loved, right? but apparently it's only been one-sided.

I have no love for myself, and that's where my problem lies.

I have tried and tried to distract myself from this, but it just wont dissipate. It just wont go away. I can't seem to let myself go. I keep holding myself back from doing and saying things that I want to. I'm scared that people will leave me; will reject me; will hurt me.

I just want to be loved. Apparently that task no one can fulfill. Apparently I'm not loveable. I don't blame anyone though. These days, I honestly don't even deserve. I'm a fuck up, and I keep up to my name.


like i said, i am nothing. i am worth nothing. i am good at nothing. therefore, i deserve nohting, right?

I'm fucking pathetic.

What am I going to do about this, i have no idea. I have tried and tried, and i fail. Though mainly, i think i set myself up for it. I think that that's the only thing in life that I'm good at: failing. I'm superb at it. If they had an award, I'd win, for sure.



they say, if clouds are formed from one man's hands then this is all going according to plan. then what is my plan? where do I stand in this contrived life? or have i swayed off of it? i believe that i have lost sight. i have lost sight in all directions.


i only know how to help other people, i don't know how to help myself when it comes to myself, i'm very reluctant to listen to my own advices. it's easier said then done. i'm jst a lazy ass mawfucka.

I'd like to make up excuses as to why i'm like this, like it all started after my car accident, or when my grandma almost died on me, or when i moved, or when i started camosun... blah bla blah.

it alll has a little to do with it, but really it's all on me on how i deal with it. I have become habituated in not dealing with things. I have learnt to just let things go, and deal with it later. I learnt to repress everything, and anything.

I have learnt to just not care anymore, and it's fucking me up. It seems as though everything is either black or white with me, even though majority of the time i don't even realize it. I need to find my median, and my medium. I need to find my grey.

My problem is, is that I put all my efforts into something when I do things.. so when I'm done, I feel like i'm done.. but when i need to put more effort to become that one step beyond mediocre, i lose all faith in myself. I quit. I fail. I lose.

I don't know how to challenge myself. I don't know how to look at things and say "and how would i be able to fix that?"

I need to believe in myself, I need to believe that I am a person of worth, but for some damn reason I just can't.

I never believe that I am good enough, because I believe that I am not. I honestly don't think that I am anything better than mediocre.

I am lazy. I don't like to put that extra time into anything, because I feel as though nothing will come out of it. But look at me now, I never will become anything.

But in alllll honesty, I don't even see myself being around for much longer. I have no respect for myself. I let myself live like a pig. I dress like a pig half the time.

I don't liek to admit my faults. I can't stand up to myself, I can't stand up to anyone. I don't even know my own strengths anymore. People like to think that I'm this great unstoppable girl that can do just about anything that I set my mind on, but i just think that they are crazy. I can't live like everyone thinks that i can.

though i can, but I guess ultimately i just don't want to.

I want to be happy first, then achieve.

no effort = no success.

but no happiness = no effort.

I need to learn how to be organized. I need to learn how to be responsible, I need to learn how to just suck things up again. I need to learn how to just deal with things for the time being, instead of expecting this amazing outcome.

but if i feel as though i'm not going to be getting what i want, i'm going to be a princess and give you the same amount as you're going to give me, and that usually means not much.

i fear that people have high potentials for me, and i fear that i'll never be able to meet them, so i just give up.

i know i'm ranting on about the same things over and over and over and over and over again, but i've kept it in me for far too long, and i don't want to bore anyone.

when it's written, there's a choice. to read it or to not.

I want to better myself, but it feels like there's no point. there's no point in doing anything that i am doing.

i've failed as a daughter, and i've failed as a sister. those are the greatest failures so far.

there's nothing worst then disappointing my family. but thing is i never felt like it was a family. we were just mutual people living in the same household. we were just there to live, and not be a whole.

there's no unity, no compassion, no sense of knowing each other. we dont' know each other. yeah i love my brother, and my mom. and that's about it.

i am lost. and i am getting desperate, almost.

... "...i want to be a bilionaire, so fucking bad"....

i don't want to live the same life as my mom.

i don't want to fall for the first guy i meet. i don't want to settle just yet, but i don't want to let go.

i don't want to be content, i want to be happy.

he has shown me the world, and he has given me meaning. he's given me hope.

i love the way he smiles, i love his arms.

i love how smart he is, how honest he is.


but i know i deserve better than him. he always has a second agenda. he cares about nobody but himself. he has no remorse.

why wont he let himself love me?

we drank on friday with melanie and cory.

melanie wanted pizza... so, they decided to order it from our apartment.

anyways, we jammed to some tunes, and justin puts on "I'll be" by edwin mcain.

we sang it to each other, and he said "wow.. this is momentous" haha

we looked into each others eyes and just sang it, like as if no one else was in the room.


i was sitting on the couch, and he kneeled down and reached out his hands, and we just looked into each other's eyes and sanng.

at the end of it, he asked for a kiss, and i kissed him.


then he stood up, bend back down and asked for another..

then he held my chin, and just kept kissing me. then would kneel back down, look me in my eyes, and leaned back over and kissed me again.


then moved back, and said sorry...

i loooked at him like "what?"

then he stood up, and put one leg on one side of my legs, and then other on the other side of my legs

then pulled my chin and kissed me, then he knelt back down, and said sorry..

i asked "sorry about what?" he gave me this look like i should know, i did.. but i just wanted him to say it.. it's cause he doesn't want to love right now. it's cause he just doesn't want to be tied down, he's not ready. He knows i mean serious, and i would be serious and nothing less.


he then spits out "i love you"

leans back over and kisses me, then kneels back down, we stare at each other, says sorry again..

then says,

.... "you're beautiful"

then leans back over and kisses me.

we stared for a bit, and he rubbed my hand.

then we just stopped at that.

so we went camping with our downstairs neighbors, annd...

we all got trashed, and what not.

this is what happened.. justin was like
"i'm sorry but you're so hot, i know i have impacted your life"

and eh was talkin to melanie

"i have impacted her life, if you met her a year ago, she was so different, she was so self-consciuos and shy... i feel like i have made me feel like she has worth, and brought her out of her shell.." ... "jessica is the first asian girl to have turn me on, she's fucking fine"

then to me "you don't know how hot you are"

"it's just so sad to see someone beat themself up, and not realize that they're better than they think they are"

or at least something along the lines of that...


it's like... i know he loves me, and likes me.. but why isn't he doing anything?! :(

my goals for myself:

grow some balls to talk to justin by my birthday
finish cosmetology school with excellent grades, with at most a week missed school.
get a car by june
lose at least 20 more pounds (135 ~ 145lbs)
get my boobs back!!!! :(
be a size 7/8
excerise more! /get a gym pass?
go hiking
tone out my body (no more flabby thighs, stomach and arms)
lose my face fat
be happy!
stop second-guessing myself
gain my patience back and my niceness/change my attitude
stop smoking so much weed and cigarettes (at most a quarter a week, and 2 packs a week)
stop calling in sick to work, just work. or call parents to help out with rent.
grow up, stop being a self-indulgent baby.
pay off my credit cards by summer (june/july)
have my front layers touch the bottom of my boos, (between my belly button and boobs)
keep my motivation up
have a better outlook for life, believe that i am someone, and someone of worth at that.

"We Need A Resolution" - aaliyah

[Verse - 1]
Did you sleep on the wrong side?
I'm catching a bad vibe
And it's contagious, What's the latest?
Speak your heart, Don't bite your tongue
Don't get it twisted, Don't misuse it
What's your problem?
Lets resolve it
We can solve it, What's the causes?
It's official, You got issues
I got issues, but I know I miss you

[Chorus - 1]
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be blamed?
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be ashamed?
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Will we remain?
You need a resolution, I need a resolution,
We need a resolution, We have so much confusion.


.....So, cut the crying, Cut the coughing, Cut the weazing, Girl
Quit the blaming, Cut the naming, Cut the sleeping, Girl
I think you need some prayer, Better call the deacon, Girl
So, get your act right or else we won't be speaking, Girl
So, what's it gonna be? Freaky, freaky... Me and you?
Or is it gonna be who blames who?
I'm tired of these things, I'm tired of these scars
I think I'm gonna get me a drink, I'll call you tomorrow

"God rap, God persona, God scrilla (HUH!)
God body in the flesh call me GODZILLA!!!! "

- busta rhymes
'conglomerate'

i'm just so fucking confused.

i want him i want him i want him i want him i want him i want him.

why am i such a pussy. why? what am i so fucking afraid of?


i'm scared he's going to reject me. i'm scared that he feels the same. i'm scared that he doesn't feel it back.

i'm just fucking scared.

i love justin, and i'm IN love with justin.

it's definitely not just a crush anymore.

"it works if you work it so work it you're worth it" - augusten burroughs 'dry'

soooooo i don't understand what he wants from me

i don't know if he's scared, or if he's gay.

he has told me that he's bi, but he has also told me that he loves me.

he treats me so well, but i don't know if he's treating me like every other person out there.

i don't understand what he wants from me.

we went to the dirty dome on friday. $20, and i was gone for the night.

like, i knew that we were going to be dancing together throughout the night, but i didn't know that he wanted to dance with me and only me the whole night.

anyways, i was trashed and i kept kissing his neck and face, and he kept telling me no, or stop that.

but then we'd be grinding and he kept touching my kiki, and rubbing it and what not so i let him. he kept grabbing my tit, i let him. but i don't understand why he kept telling me no, but yet kept on doing these things to me.

and at one point this guy came up to me and started grinding on me, so i danced with him. he kept trying to grab my cooch, but i would hold onto his hands, and bring'em back up. justin comes back from his smoke, and sees me grinding with this guy. i thought that maybe he would just go and find his own girl, but no.

he just started to grind me from the front, and the guy in behind.. justin was like.. swtich, switch. so he just took me and replaced the guy, and the guy was pissssed apparently. likke, little things like this makes me so confused, because i don't know what he wants from me.

we fucking gooot it going onn, we were so dirty on the dance floor, it was ridiculous. but i just don't get him.

is it too much to ask for a guy to make the first move? or at least the guy that i like..

is it a sin that i feel like i have found the guy that i want to get to know, and to let him get to know me in all aspects.

cause' for some reason i feel like i don't deserve it. things like this don't work out for me, and i feel like it never will. i feel like i fall for the wrong guys. and i don't know why.

he fucking loves, cares and respects me. he knows me. he's sensitive, but he knows when to be a man. he protects me, and he's always there for me. we're on the same level. he's fucking smart... i donk't know he's just got it all.

i'm scared i'm going to lose him, i'm scared that i wont have him.


i know i need to talk to him, but i'm scared.

seriuosly, i'm fed up with being so fucking alone.


but yet, why do I find myself waiting around for a guy? Yeah, he told me loves me. but what the fuck, then why the fuck arn't you ready to talk about it?

I know, i'm being selfish, and just want it right now. but fuck, i don't want to wait. I've BEEN waiting for 20 fucking years.

it's been so long that I find myself to be pathetic. That seems to be the word that I use to describe myself, alot. and i mean it.

i am fuckign pathetic. but at least these days, i have confidence. I have lost weight.


and I do have attention. but why do guys gotta be so fucking skeezy? why can't i just find myself a nice boy, someone who gets me? soemone who'll just do things for me without being asked? someone that'll just show that he loves me. someone who'll just chase me.

someone who will show me that they love me, and want me.


someone who will give two shits about what I say, even though it's something stupid.

someone who will just appreciate me.

no normal guy wil want this fool right here. nobody in their right mind.


I have convinced myself that I will be dying alone. it's fucked, and I know.

but for some reason, i just believe it. i believe that no one will ever love me.

so i went ot brampton this christmas, and it was a gongshow. but a good one? haha

At the airport, I bought justin's aunt a live lobster. They threw it in a box, and we took it on as our carry-on. Going through security, I beeeeeped like a billion. Because of my jewelry, and boots, and what nots. hahaha

we arrived on christmas eve. justin's aunt lorrie picked us up from there.

we went spent an hour driving around in a circle waiting for jsutin's mom.

afterwards, we went back to his aunt lorrie's. met her boyfriend, tom. her son, skylar, and her two twins. ciara and soleil.

That night justin's mom and aunt got super trashed on wine. and were just saying whatever came to their mind, the good and the bad.

Skylar, Justin and I wanted to go for a walk to buy skylar some smokes, and so justin gave his aunt our joint because she didn't want us to blaze it with her 14 yr old son. We went and blazed elsewhere, anyways.

when we got back, justin's mom was hysterical and kept saying "SEAN CASSIDY CALLLED, SEAN CASSIDY CALLLED"

lorrie: "OR WAS IT DAVID CASSSIDY?!?!?!?"

the whole time they were like "YOU'RE NOT WINNING THE MOM OF THE YEAR AWARD"

and the such.

haha so they pulled justin into the kitchen, and told him that they had smoked our joint. that was funnyyy.


The next day, Christmas. Everyone woke up and got ready. Tom watched me as i did my hair. he kept saying things like "no one could ever call you and expect you to be ready right away"

and he asked me if justin was gay, haha. Which was weird cause I always thought that i was the only one that got the girly vibes from justin. weird. anyways.

josh and jeff arrives, and everyone was already smashed. Jeff mentioned something about going back to his place in downtown Toronto and going to the bar there for Christmas.. (bad idea..).

So obviuosly the guys heard bar, and forgot everything about christmas, and the family. We blazed hellaaa, and went to the bar.

Tom gave us a ride to the bus station. We waited for liek 20 minutes. then cabbed it. I realized that I forgot my ID, ,and josh had no ID. so that sucked.

On the cab ride to jeff's, we paid the cabby an extra 10 so that we could smoke. haha

and for some reason we caught two cabs, or something. (can't remember). Both times justin had his arm around me. During the second cab ride, he had his arm around me, and he squeezed my left tit, and asked me if I wanted to have his baby, haha.

anyways, we got to jeff's and smoked some weeed. Then two of jeff's friends came over. One was the security guard to his building - sam, and the other was the security guard's girlfriend.

we left with sam, and his girlfriend went home.

we ended up walking for like an hour to go find a pub. Get in there, the guys grab shots, and beer. Then we left cause sam's old boss was there, and they had beeef.

So we walked some more, and went to another. There the guys got SUPPPPPPPPPEr smashed, with like 6 pitchers. ontop of the other shit they've been drinking all day/night.

Justin ended up telling me that he loves me.

Justin: "I think I love you"
Me: I just gave him this look like, what?!
Justin: "I love you"
Me: "justinn... don't.."
Justin: "I'm serious I love you"
Me: "you're only saying that cause' you're drunk"
Justin: "No, seriously I love you.. I don't know how to explain it but I love you"
Me: "we'll talk about it in the morning"
Justin: "I love you... well do you like me?"
Me: "we'll talk about it tomorrow"
Justin: "I love you"
Me: "i don't know what to say to that"
Justin: "Well... think about it"
Me: "we'll talk about it tomorrow."

i didn't know if he only said it cause he was drunk. I'm scared that he didn't mean it. But it sounded so true.

anyways, after that. justin got SUPPPPPPER smashed, and the owner wanted to kick him out. And they cut him off.

He ended up punching josh in the lip, cause jeff wanted josh to go check on justin.

jeff, and josh the whole time was just kind of brotherly making fun of justin, and as younger brothers are.. he tried to prove himself to them.

but ended up making an ass of himself.

so we left, and walked all the way back to jeff's. Jeff, and sam carried/dragged justin home cause he kept almost falling over, and what not.

josh wanted to beat the shit out of jsutin the whoel time, and he allllllllllllmost punched justin in the faced, and i saw.. so I grabbed josh and was like "JOSH, promise me that you will not cause more trouble then needed. Do it for me, do it for my christmas present, don't"

so he didn't, haha

there, jeff tries to put justin to bed.. aggressively.

Justin did not like that. He struggled, and struggled, and struggled.

eventually jeff snapped, and started to be more aggressive, and what not.

they eventually started fighting. Jeff wanted to call the police, and put justin in the drunk tank. Right then, I said that I'll take justin home. But jeff wouldn't let me.


I eventually convinced him. Then, justin pushed jeff off of him. Josh goes in to grab him to hold him down, but justin being a flail cause he was drunk kicked me, when I was going in to grab him to take him home.

he booted me right in the chest, and I flew back and hit a table. Josh, freaks out and starts beating justin being like "Why the fuck would you hit a girl?!?!" and shit.

I go and grab josh, and tell him that justin didn't mean it, it was by accident.

so he stopped.

then justin makes a run for it, and josh grabs him and put him against the wall.. justin spits on josh in the face.

and justin leaves.

Jeff go outs to run after him and beat him up, I grab jeff and hold him, and tell him no.

And jeff kicks justin out telling him that he's not allowed in his place. and waht not.

yeahhhhhhhh, it was awesome. haha.

I can't help but feel as a human I have failed.

I have failed in every way possible.


that or I just live a different life then most people or something. Cause' for some reason I just feel pathetic all the fucking time, and it takes such a toll on me.

I just want someone who will love me as much as I will love them. Who's going to be there for me.


mainly, i just want a really good friend. ultimately i'll settle for that.

i dont get it. why is it so hard for me to let people love me?

no scratch that. Why is it that I feel like no one wants to put the time and effort to love me? or at least listen to me. :(

i'm soooooo sick of this. I'm so sick of this feeling. This continuous feeling of wanting to just fuck it and peace. I used to be a fighter. I used to be strong. Now I'm just a pussy not wanting to deal with her own problems. I let things get in the way.

I really don't know why i bother trying to talk to people. They never listen, hence why i've always kept to myself. Why do I try, I might as well just talk to myself. Cause' that's what I'm doing in the end. It's like talking to a fucking wall.


I hate how I'm just so fucking alone. I'm suck a lonely fuck and it sucks. I just want someone to listen to me, and have enough decency to listen to me, and maybe perhaps a miracle might happen and have them actually respond genuinely, and not make some fake shit up just to give you what you want to hear, and to have them avoid talking about shit.


this is what I miss about having friends that are girls. I miss being able to talk to them, not that I really did. But now our schedules conflict.


I hate people that wants to know because they want to know, not because they want to help. FUCK THAT BULLSHIT.


nothing but falsehopes. seriuosly.


that's fucked up. I hate people sometimes. I just want to live by myself, and just fucking die alone. Which i will anyways, so it's perfect, aint it??

Belief is a subjective personal basis for individual behavior, while truth is an objective state independent of the individual. - sociology

One must drop all sense of ego in order to fulfill their ultimate destiny - de (of tao)

"In the state of p'u, there is no right or wrong, beautiful or ugly. There is only pure experience, or awareness, free from learned labels and definitions. It is this state of being that is the goal of following wu wei."


"in Taoism. The Three Jewels are compassion, moderation and humility"

I think i"m so sad all thetime, is that its the only thing that I feel comfortale being real about.

it's the only thing that I sort of loved. It's the only thingthat comes natural to me.


but i don't wantto be sad anymore. i don't want to feel like i'm useless.

I'm starting to think again, which is fantastic.

I love thinking. Thinking is good for the soul. I love self realization, small ephiphonies, what ever you want to call it - I. Love. It.

It opens your mind, and it helps is mature. It helps you understand you. I miss my self-time. I miss getting lost in my thoughts. I miss writing.

I miss being somewhat creative, and smart. Lately, I just feel incredibly stupid. Like a flat-out idiot. I talk too much, and don't put much thought into what I say. At some point this summer my brain just shut off. And out comes reckless Jessica.

I just stopped caring. I got too caught up with enjoying life, that I was reasonable anymore. I want to be mature, and responsible AND enjoy life the way that I do.


I want to have a say, I don't want to be a pushover anymore. But out of habit, I just am one. I'm scared to speak my mind, because I'm scared of people ridiculing me. I want to stick up for myself, I want to stick up for other people. I don't want to be this snob that I have become.

I miss my old mentality. Somehow in the course of the last 6 months, I've derailed and it's definitely time for me to get back on track. I want to have more focus. I want more growth. I want maturity. I want to be real. I feel like such a kid these days, that it's unreal. I havn't felt like this in a lonnnnnnnnnng time.

I miss having good judgement. I miss taking a step back and thinking things through first. Now-a-days I just do what I want, whenever I want.

I need to start thinking about my finances, and need to worry about paying bills and what not, not about drugs, or materialistic wants.

more and more everyday, i realize that i am my mother.

th eproblem with me, is that I have all skills to do whatever I want. but I just don't know how to use them properly.

The problem with me, is that I work my ass off doing whatever I do, and when I finish.. I'm lost.

I don`t know what I want, and that is the main problem with me.

I had a dream the other day.

that justin just up and left. I was calling out to him to stay, but he just left.

I think that's just my insecurities speaking to me.

and the one I had right before that was of shaylene dowden.

I dreamt that I was reunited with some people from high school at a dinner, or something.

and all of sudden I just ask "I havn't seen shaylene around these days, What have she been up to?"

then someone gets up and slams there hand on the table, and says angrily "She's dead. She died four months ago"

me, stunned "what?!?!?!?!?!? what happened?"

"someone shot her, and they still don't know who"


that dream was because a girl that clarke knows had just jumped off an apartment building two days prior.

i find myself sad and pathetic, with no life.

im lonely, and i have been lonely for about 20 years now. that is sad.

i have no one but myself to solve all of my problems. what the fuck is the matter with me?

what the fuck is my problem? am i repulsive? then why do i find myself repelling people to love me?

I've never had anyone come and jsut take care of me, and love me the way that i want to be loved.

I want to be comforted. but yet, time and time again i find myself comforting myself.

I'm ashamed to let people know. I'm embarassed.

I'm just one big embarassment. I'm just one big joke. I just can't help but feel emebarassed about myself.

I have ALWAYS been an embarassment, as a person, and to my family. and my friends.

There's something wrong with me. I just want someone to love me, is that so hard?

Everything else I can provide for myself, except for this.. someone else's love.

That's all I need. at least it's the only thing left for me to experience. But yet, somehow.. I'm just pathetic. People don't want me like that.

I'm always just the girl to hear out everyone else's problems. I'm just the girl that's always just there. I"m jsut the girl that doesn't have anyone to call her own.

I'm a loser. I'm a loner. I'm a failure. There's nothing about it.

I have become one of the biggest failures I know. I'm sad and pathetic.

I have fucked up my whatever I had going for me, all because of distractions. all because I just want to be accepted, and to feel like I belong somewhere.

I fucked up for drugs. I fucked up for stupid shit. Sometimes I hate what I've become. I had so much gooing for me... I guess I still do.

I hate the way that I am. I hate the way that I talk. I hate how stupid I have become. Like literally stupid. I'm just flat out stupid these days. I have lost my sensibility.

I have lost my reasonable self. all for nothing. I let things get in the way all the time, and i can't stop it.

I don't like myself. I hate how I cut people off when I talk to them. I hate how I don't really listen, or care. I hate how I forget things all the time. My short term memory has gone to SHITTTTTTS.


I think I'm just terminally depressed.

I don't know what to do with myself.

This may be the stupidest thing you've heard, but I honestly cannot see myself living my life fully. Like to the end. I just can't really think of myself living that far.

I wouldn't want to if I'm dying alone. Jessica Leung have always been alone and will always be alone.

I just can't help but feel so inadequate. I can fake a lot of things, but I can't fake the way I feel.

Who the fuck am I? and what the fuck do I have going for me? ... nothing.

I hate the fact that only since I've lost a bit of weight that guys have been checking me out.

I hate that. fuck guys for that shit. fuck you.

Why am I so angry all the time? Why am I so sad all the time?

I just want to be happy and loved. Loved in the way that's not just friends.

WHy wont anyone love me? Why? I can't help but think it's me. I can't help but to have no self-esteem. I can't help but to have no self-confidence.

Sometimes I just don't want to do this anymore. I just want out. I hate this shit. I hate feeling this way. I hate crying for stupid shit like this. I hate being such a loser.


I feel like a kid. I feel like I"m so immature. I feel so young. I feel so demeaned. Quite frankly, I feel like an idiot.

I feel so fucking alone.

I'm definitely pathetic when it comes to guys. like... really pathetic.

I don't know what to say, how to act. I jsut make a fool of myself, as always.

I just want to go.


It's true, I don't stick up for myself. I let people step all over me. and milk me for what I'm worth. I can't help it. it's jsut who i am. pathetic.

I want this feeling gone. I just want to be fucked up on drugs all the fucking time.

I don't want to be alone anymore.

am i seriously goingto be alone as long as i think i'm going to be alone for?

cause' it sure as hell feels like it.

buuuut it does feel good these days seeing guys check me out. annnd knowing that guys are asking about me. It's flattering.

even though i know that they're staring at me like a piece of meat. I know that all they want to do is use me.

but that's kind of okay, cause' i'm not really looking for anything longterm, any guy would run after knowig me for too long. I tend to get kind of crazy.

uut i don't wantto give off that persona that i'm a hussy like that. I just want to have fun, and be safe while at it.

definitelly got a mad rush of home sickness last night.

i've just been so sad altely, and i don't even know why.

I just want to cry all the time. I just want to be sad. Why do I need to keep up this so-xcalled "bubbly" image? Why? It's cause people get adjusted to the person that you are.

people always have this image of you to hold onto. But I can't smile. I can't be geniunely happy. Why can't I just be happy?

Am I always going to be alone? I just can't help but think that I'm always just going to be a friend. I'm always just going ot be there and help people.

I'm nothing more than an aid.

I'm helpless, but I'm always helping. seems to be the world that rules me.

I just can't help but care. geniunely care about everyone. I can't stand people being sad. I love to help.

I think i need to be shaken. I feel as though i've grown as much as i need to grow. but not at the same time.

I can't help but to be stepped on all the time. I don't know why other people's happiness is so important to me, so important that I end up compromising my own at times.