JOCELYNE, ditched.
makes me mad,
she has a phone,
she knows how to use it,
WHY DIDN'T SHE CALL,
so I didn't have to sit by the phone and wait for her!
so, lame.

AHHHH AHHH AHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHH!!!
Marcus asked me to hang out with him.
;)

he was like, last night.

marcus...: do you like scary movies?
Leung, minus: hahah yup, but afterwards I get freaked out. :)
marcus...: ok
marcus...: i think we should go see wolf creek
Leung, minus: sounds good to me
marcus...: score
Leung, minus: haha
Leung, minus: when?
marcus...: uh marcus...: i dunno
marcus...: whenever it comes out
Leung, minus: sweet deal
marcus...: haha
marcus...: yayeah!
Leung, minus: I got it mixed up with another movie, I thought it was out already, haha
Leung, minus: :P
Leung, minus: but it's all good
Leung, minus: ahah
marcus...: oh haha
marcus...: cry wolf is another one i want to see
Leung, minus: what's that one about?
Leung, minus: is that the one where they meet on the
internet and the guy gets all creepy and stuff?
marcus...: umm im reading about it
marcus...: and its like
marcus...: a whole bunch of guys make up a lie about a
serial killer
marcus...: but it turns out to be true
marcus...: and no one believs them or something
Leung, minus: oooh nice
marcus...: i know
marcus...: it sounds like a good'n
Leung, minus: definitely
marcus...: ya
marcus...: and its rentable
Leung, minus: even better
marcus...: yup
marcus...: soo we should watch it
marcus...: cause i heart scary movie
marcus...: s
Leung, minus: it's going to be good
marcus...: i know
marcus...: it looks good
Leung, minus: indeed it does
Leung, minus: I kind of also want to The Exorcism of
Emily Rose, but I heard that it wasn't that great
marcus...: ya
marcus...: doesnt look...like suspenseful enough
Leung, minus: yeah
Leung, minus: no kiddingmarcus...: ahh!
marcus...: ok im scared by the movie clips
marcus...: we're definitely watching cry wolf
marcus...: hehehe
Leung, minus: hahah
Leung, minus: ooh man
marcus...: ya i dont do good in scary movies
Leung, minus: neither do I
marcus...: i cling to people
marcus...: haha
Leung, minus: but I still like them :)
Leung, minus: hahah yeah, same
marcus...: oh ay
marcus...: i love them haha
Leung, minus: niice
marcus...: gtg
marcus...: byea
* marcus... is now Offline

I love that guy.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE!!!



tomorrow is freaking christmas!!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D

I neeed need NNEEED to stop eating so much,

cause I'm a friggin fatty.
and I need to grow my hair longer,
and be someone I'm not.

or maybe someone I am.
I'm not sure.
XGAH>
I'm tlaking to him right now,
I'm not even sure what's the dealwith it all anymore,
I do'nt think I really care.
I like how things are,
and it'd be FANTASTIC it was something more,
but till then, I'll just sort out my feelings.

Well, my last day of school kind of sucked.
I found out that my grandma went into ICU the night before, in Hong Kong,
due to she ate too much potassium (ie, bananas)

Then later on the day, I found out that I sucked badly at my cummalitice test (I got 69%) FRICK.
I tried hard, I guess not hard enough.
During the test I totally forgot everything!!
I was like "I KNOW HOW TO FUCKING DO THIS, BUT WHY CAN'T I GET THE FRICKING ANSWER?!?!?!?!!"
FREAKING HELL.
:(
I TOTALLY DID BAD,
and I"m freaking stressing.
I hate it BAD.
Things like that makes me not want ot go to school ever again, baaah.
:(
I don't know what to do.


For Christmas, waht I really want is to get my monroe piercing.
I wish I had a friend 18 or over that would take me to get it done.

Or a REALLY good RICH YELLOW EYESHADOW!
or a boyfriend (MARCUS!!!!! hehhe <3 )

I honestly, had a chance today!
Like half an hour ago!
but he signed off!
he just signed off.
-_-"
I LOVE THAT GUY SO MUCh, hahah.
He talked to me first!
He really did, he never does that!



I WISH I HAD A FREAKING LIFE.
I'm so bored,
I need to read the book, To Kill A Mockingbird for english.
and I need to write journals.

I wonder how fast I can type,
cause I can type rpetty freaking fast.


I also, kind of, like daniel, I think.
gah.

I think my parents are getting me mikey's Ipod mini for me fior my christmas present.
:)
yay!
now, I can upload ALL OF MY SONGS ONTO THAT THING,
and have lots of room for pictures :)
HELLZ YEAH.
:P
yeah, I"m pretty freaking excited for that,
Monday, I have to go and shop for my parents and Michael,
maybe I should try and bring a friend or two with me.
I need another's opinion.,
I kind of want to go and get my hair permanently straighten,
but the problem is, my hair isn't curly at all.
I also, want to get a perm
and has been thinking about it for a while now.
But I'm too chicken too do so. hahah.
I wouldn't want really curly hair,
jsut kind of wavy. :)
I love that look.
Especially for my length of hair,
though I think my bottom hairs are too short for any perming.
I wouldn't know
seeing that I've never gotten my hair permed before.
:)
I shouldn't act like such a know-it-all
I kind of think that I am one.
I kind of wish people was more interested in hanging out wiht me.
I wish I wasn't so freaking boring.
:(
I hate that.
It's so freaking lame.
I'm so two-faced have you ever noticed that?!
cause' I have.

]My head hurts right now,
and I have no clue as to why.
probablty becuase I'm thinking so fast,
and so many things are going on inside of my head.
That's most likely it.

I kind of wish taht CLint would grow up,
cause' he's so freakign immature.


Oh yeah, I need to get Brandy a present too,
cause' I'm lame and needed money.
And today, I got $70 from my grandma and uncle.
:) HELLZ YEAH.
:P

Kind of excited about spending that.
:)


I got practically all of the money that I spent back.
Which is much much much much MIORE RELIVING EVER.
:)

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Jessica
Birthday:	May 8, 1990
Birthplace:	Victoria
Current Location:	In a house on judah st.
Eye Color:	brown
Hair Color:	multi
Height:	5"4.5' - 5"5' :)
Right Handed or Left Handed:	mostly right handed, but I can wirte with my left.
Your Heritage:	A-SHHIIIIIIIIN PWYYYDE.
The Shoes You Wore Today:	the same ones as Heather Logan.
Your Weakness:	emotions
Your Fears:	My throat being slit.
Your Perfect Pizza:	the cajun chicken one from Panago, without the bacon of course.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Pass grade 10 with really good grades.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	"yeah, no kidding" "yeah, totally" "hahah"
Thoughts First Waking Up:	"what time is it?"
Your Best Physical Feature:	my eyes or my hair.
Your Bedtime:	between 10:00pm-12:00am
Your Most Missed Memory:	memories with Brandy.
Pepsi or Coke:	either or.
MacDonalds or Burger King:	McDonalds
Single or Group Dates:	single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	either or
Chocolate or Vanilla:	either or.. but scent-wise Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	both
Do you Smoke:	no, siree.
Do you Swear:	nope, unless I'm repeating something someone said.
Do you Sing:	like a jukebox. :)
Do you Shower Daily:	nope, every other day.
Have you Been in Love:	nope
Do you want to go to College:	no. university, yes.
Do you want to get Married:	looks that way
Do you belive in yourself:	umm, most of the time
Do you get Motion Sickness:	only when I read in the car.
Do you think you are Attractive:	relatively.
Are you a Health Freak:	not really.
Do you get along with your Parents:	my mom more so than my dad.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	yes
Do you play an Instrument:	yes
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	not that I know of
In the past month have you Smoked:	wouldn't be surprised if I did, JUST KIDDING.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	tylenol?
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	no, siree
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes, ma'am
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no, nor have I eaten oreos in the past month. Maybe an oreo cake, does that count?!
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	yes! :) home-made and everything.
In the past month have you been on Stage:	yarr.
In the past month have you been Dumped:	nope
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	more like in the past life time.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	nope
Ever been Drunk:	like when I was like 7
Ever been called a Tease:	haha, no.
Ever been Beaten up:	yuup.
Ever Shoplifted:	yes, pogs. hahah :)
How do you want to Die:	peacefully. Probably in my sleep.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	something that I'll enjoy doing, like being an counsellor or soemthing. :)
What country would you most like to Visit:	Probably some country in Europe.
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	that really nice greeny colour.
Favourite Hair Color:	doesn't really matter
Short or Long Hair:	anything, really. Except for butt-length hair. -_-"
Height:	not super short.
Weight:	not supeer skinny. Like where I can see his ribs whenever he breathes
Best Clothing Style:	FLOOOD PANTS.
Number of Drugs I have taken:	I wouldn't know
Number of CDs I own:	I wouldn't really care.
Number of Piercings:	5 at the moment
Number of Tattoos:	Ink tattooes, I have like two. Real ones, I have none.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	something I don't want to count.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

I saw brandy at wal-mart yesturday when I was last minute Christmas shopping.
Tomorrow, is the last day of school for Christmas break!
I can't wiat until I hand out the presents,
I'm more excited to give this year, than to get. :)
It's just a good feeling.

I HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE THAT I DID REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY WELL ON MY CUMMALTIVE TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know what to do with Marcus,
I NEED TO TALK TO HIM!!
But, I'm so confused.
I love that guy, and swing dancing with him is like BETTER THAN HEAVEN.

I'm so glad that I'm always in his group or his dancing partner.
I LOVE THAT GUY.
hahah
I wish I could tell him,
It's just three simple words,
why can't I just say it?!
Actually,I can.
But I just don't know if it's the right time or not.

OWNED
that's exactly what I did with the SOLO!!
I OWNED IT!
I PLAYED IT 98% CORRECT,
yeah, that's right
I'm so proud of myself!
I was freaking out or anything!
:D
heheheh

umm, bayley told me to not do anything, yet
and just wait,
but I think it's silly,
cause' I obviously really like him,
and it wouldn't really make anything awkward between us.
:)

I ended up spending up to $80 on presents.
:(



umm tomorrow is the band concert
SUPER NERVOUS,
never been this nervous for a concert in my life!
that's probably a lie.
Cause' I have this STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID bassoon solo
annd I KEEP ON MESSING UP at the same STUPID SPOT
I don't get why Mr Wilson can't see that I'm struggling and make Kyle do it with me!
I'm just going to embarass myself
and MESS UP THE CD.
I'm so freaking nervous.
I feel like crying,
and I don't even get why,
cause' it's only four freaking BARS!
I don't get why I can play it on the tenor sax,
but I can't get it on the bassoon.
I NEED TO FREAKING RELAX.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

I almost did it today!
after school, I got to spend at least 3 mins with him.
I ALMOST DID IT.
:(
Okay, next time I talk to him for a long time,
I'm going to try and bring it up in a convo,
and be like "sup, I like you."
heh.

I had choir practise today,.
anndn I was totally out of tune
and like SUCKED.
I was flat.
But richard said taht he liked the sound of it,
but it might of been annoying to other people.
I wish SOMEONE WOULD OF TOLD ME EARLIER
so I wouldn't of been making the same mistake!!!

I hate the things I have to do sometimes.
:(


I hate being in the stupid spotlight all by myself,
except choir isn't by myself,
I'm just a freaking retard.

I just need to let a load off.
I need a boyfriend,
annd I need a friend.
-_-"
and I need time to myself.
I need people who I can talk to, let out my problems too. But I can't find that person, well maybe I can, but I don't look hard enough. Nor, do I want to just let anyone in. I just don't work like that. I'm not that kind of person. I need a guy that'll care for me, like Marcus, except that if I talk to him too much, I'll start thinking that I'm annoying him too much, and what if he doesn't like me back. That'll suck a plenty. I love that guy, I jsut want him to like me back. ANd it'll suck if he doesn't. I want to tell him HELLA, annd I don't have the nerves too. I don't have anyone to push me to it, though I don't think I really need a push, it's somethign that I'll have to overcome myself. Which I think will be soon. :)

I kind of want to tell him in an e-mail. But, I should probably tell him while I"m talkjing to him. I don't know, I'll think hard about it. :)

YEAAAAAAAAAAAH.
wish me luck for the band concert tomorrow.

MARCUS WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THAT YOU LIKE ME?
Why can't we just go on our merry way,
and maybe be more than friends.
I'm so mushy, it's sick.
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhahaha



okay, last night on my way home from Steph's house
I figured that the sweetest thing a guy could do,
is ask me out in Cantonese (if he doesn't speak the language, fluently)
Cause' that's just cuute.
hejheh.
I''m just trying to figure out how you would word it in chinese.
:
cause' I don't even know
hahaha.
BUT YEAH, that'll be so cute,
thatll I'll just have to yes,
hahah myabe not.
:)





YEAH.
hhaha.


I'm going Christmas shopping with jes today,
we're going downtown!
:)


Stupid chad,
won't let Cody join us.
ooh well,
but that'll mean I'l have to bus back in the dark
:(
SCARY THOUGHTS.
-_-"

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO APPROACH IT
like bluntly or what?

gaah, I think I'm going to get smashed.
and baked.
I don't know I"m kind of nervous.
:

I EAT TOO FREAKING MUCH!

hate crime

WERRD TO YOUR MOMMA.



Love where have you gone?
You seem so close yestuday,
and today, you're miles 'way
Come back, I need you the most right now.
Loneliness strikes me at times of need.
Who to turn too?
Who to tell?
Who to confide in, with such demand?
Burden them, I shall not.
I'll fix it myself.
Love, why are you so vulnerable?
Like a frisbee, you're thrown around.
Salt water streams pass my cheeks,
Where do they come from?
What set it off?
Conscience, what did you do now?
Skip a beat? I hope not.
Love, grab me by my infactuation,
And take me away.
Decieve me not in the public's eyes.
Drown me in their lies and false accusations.
Love, you've gone away so far.
I can barely see you now.
Your power was so strong for months on end,
Now, we fight to hold on.
Love, wrap it in a gift and send it off.
You misslead me like a map read upside down.
To feel it again, to hold on to what I have,
To outlast everyone,
Amazing.




LATELY,
I've nnoticed that I've been talking more gansterr
annd it's scaring me
and I hope that it's not becoming a habit,
whiich I think it has already,
annd that's just crap
hahah.
-_-"



I gots choir practise on thursday night.
I'm so busy on thursday,
I don't think i could handle it, at all.

I have senior band in the morning,
then I have to go to Anne of Green Gables at lunch,
thhen after school I have to go to a dentist appointment,
bass lessons, after that... then I have to go to choir practise.
-_-"


TOMORROW, I'm going to the horticulture and is missing out on some serious jazz band,
THE GROUPS ARE COMBINING,
liike molecular compound,
(PROBABLY A BAD EXMAPLE, but it was the frist thing that popped into my head. :) )
yeaaaaaaaah, that's right.
:P



gah, I love marcus,
annnd I reaaally need to tell him,
LIKE NOW!
except I'm a pansy,
and he went to bed.
:(


annd I don't know what to say.
I don't know how to do it
I'm not afraid to say it,
but I don't know how to like set up everything so that it would work out
I don't even think that he likes me that way
:
at all.
GAH
I wish guys would just come out and be open about things like that.
BUT THEY SUCK AND THEY arn't
excepppt, hhhhe definitely doesn't like me that way
why do I even bother myself with such a question?!
so lame.
:(


anyways, off ot be I go.
tomorrow is going to be hard working.
-_-"
:(
ooooh well,
quiality time with jake mitchell,
I LOVE THAT KID,
and ALI CARR!
she's the best carr in town
:D
and shes the only carr that I know.
:D
heheheh
PEACE OUT

werrrd to a hundred.
:D



Anyways,
I NEED TO BUY PEOPLE'S CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!
I think I'll go downtown tomorrow and buy people's presents.
:)


I shall make a list.

Brandy- something girly
Joce- probably a shirt from the Patch
Devon- some cool jewlery
Ali- jewlery
Maery- Something cool
Jes- Jewlery, something cool,
Phoebe- something pikachu
Daniel- Some cool photography book, BLUE SHIRT
Mom- Some cool jewlery
Dad- something artsy
Michael- Shaolin Soccer, something him.
Cody- Something Ska
Kas- something her
Melissa- Jewlery
Kim- Jewlery


TO BE CONTINUED, dinner ready. :)

I lied in the last one,
this is the one more.

I eat too much.

I planned out my confessing love to Marcus,

I think I'll do it over Msn,
I was planning on making another MSN account,
and pretend that it was my friend,
and ask him stuff about me,
and wonder waht he thinks of me and stuff.
It'll give me reassurance,
right?
I don't know, I wih guys just came out with their feelings,
except that, I really think that he doesn't like me that way.
And I guess that's obviously, right?
Cause' he would of told me by now if he did.
Which is stupid,
I wish I knew what guys look for in a girl.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY WANT.
In other words,
I just wish that they liked me.
yeaah.
heh.
I don't get it,
is it because I get to close too fast or something?!
it's so lame.
I HATE IT.
Why can't I be their best friend and their girlfriend?

I don't get it at all.




Ross, is becoming way friendlier now. WHICH IS TOTALLY CUUTE.

GUYS ARE SO CUUUTE SOMETIMES,
ooh man.




Contriven, that's the way things seems to beAshamed I hear my mocking voice,Thrown down and trashed.
Pain seems to be the dominant trait
Love, where have you gone?
Seems to me, it was forever,
Since you last revealed yourself.Forgotten memories revived.
The beauty of your passion,
the sinful nature of your affection,
When did it stop?
Contemplations are full of nothing more than contradictions.
Believe that you can control it,
There are no ends to love,
but only hatred.
What is this that I feel?
Seems so natural.
Fierce, yet powerless, defenseless even.
Strength is what I need.

one more



I LOVE MARCUS.
except I wish I told him that.
I think I will soon,
cauuse' he's a cuutie,
annd I'm not even sure if he and Lisa are going out anymore.
I like spent the day with him at Maery's.
I like laid on him,
and he laid on me, and stuff.
I loved it.



EXCEPT YESTURDAY SUCKED.
I got into a big argument with my dad,
the worst, yet.



WAHT IS WRONG WITH ME.
I'm like breaking down bit by bit.
I NEEED SERIOUS HELP.
Why am I such an idiot?!?!?
LIEK WAHT THE CRACK?!?!?!



I hate people seeing the real side of me.
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T EXIST..



My dad is looking into hair dressing courses for me.


Mikey is thinking about selling me his Ipod Mini. :)

I think I should go make an appointment with the Student Counsellor,
cause' I think it would help me A LOT.
:)

Daniel is leaving,
there's a part of me that's glad that he's leaving,
actually I think the whole part of me is glad that he's leaving.
Its like a relief or something.
:)
I don't feel sad at all.
I don't.



I HATE MY OUTBURSTS.
They ruin my life,
they ruin me,
they ruin people's feelings about me.


I HATE DANIEL,
I hate how he's leavingt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
I hate my two-face-ness.
I don't know how I'm feeling.










FREAKING GUILT TRIPS IS WHAT I FEEL, ALWAYS>
I don't know what to do!!!!





GAH, HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

two more





PS.
STACY IS GETTING UP THERE ON MY CUTIE LIST
he told me he loved me,
annnnnnnd stuff, hahah.
:)

annnd Petere and Dylan are gettting friendlier.
:D helllllz yeah.

Three more entries,
well, uhh Marcus and Lisa started going out during the weekend,
its cute.
:)


TOMORROW, the two flex science 10 classes are going on a field trip
to none other than SCIENCE WORLD!!
hellllllz yeah,
except I have to wake up at 4:00am
cause' Tenzin is picking me up
annd then his dad has to drive his grandparents to the airport by 6:00am
annd then we have to be at the ferrie terminal by 6:30am
buut it's all worth it.







I SHOULD SLEEP NOW,
before I eat anymoreeeee
cause' I'm a fattttttttttty.
:(

Why don't we make truth last?
Time was yesturday's surprise.
Truth is today's gift
Judgement should not come from the look,
but the story behind it all.
Let go, and live on forever.
Forgive, forget and do not relate.
Let it go, it's gone.
Freedom, relief, and set your mind free.
Take no negativity.
Take your glory,
make the best of it.
False truths, and hatred
Stay on track, and set your mind straight.

okay, so yesturday, I talked to him FINALLLY.
he forgave me.
But I felt really bad when I said that I couldn't hagn out with him today,
cause I had/have no energy what-so-ever
I SAW PEOPLE NAKED LAST NIGHT,
it was so much fun.
But by the end of the night I NEEEEEEDED SLEEP
hahaha,

a bunch of people came over,
and only a few left.
:)

Dylan really missed out
and he's going to be angry at his parents for it
hahah.
-_-"
pooor kid.

Too bad Cody left,
but oh well, he was here for every other time.

He still hasn't called my back,
ooooooh well.
hahha.,

umm I NEEEEEEEEEEED LOTS OF SLEEP RIGHT NOW
I'm so bloooooody tired.
annd I need to study for an english test that I have to do tomorrow,
hopefully everyone wont be ready and she'll postpone the test to another day,
annndn also, I have to do Math homework and study for the math test on wednesday
I'm pretty sure that there's going to be a Science test some time this week.
WAIT NO, there can't be
cause WE'RE GOING TO SCIENCE WOOOORLD
FRICK YEAH, I'm so excited!
:)


hahahah.


I LOVE HOW LIFE SUCKS BIG TIME
THEN GOOD STUFF HAPPENS TO MAKE IT BETTER>
:)































GO KARMA,
You are love.

bah,
that little bugger isn't HOME!
I tired TWICE,
with a half an hour break.
I NEEEEEEEEEED to talk to him,
I need to stop talking to other people about it,
fuggg.

Gah, I feel so freaking bad about what I did yesturday
I totally screamed at Daniel,
annd I felt so guilty afterwards,
taht I just went to the bathroom and cried,
annd the worst part was,
was that they were over at my house
-_-
I don't even know how that happen.
It just happen so fast,
I was just being sarcastic one second
and the next I was screaming at him,
I don't even know how I can talk to him ever again,
I don't know how he could forgive me.


I feel like phoning him up right now,
and explain myself,
but nothing I can say, could change what happen.
I think that this type of thing needs to be done in person.

I not only embarassed myself,
I scared him
and I don't want him to be afraid of me,
I don't want him to be the reason that I lash out.
I feeeel so freaking angry at myself for doing sucha thing!
I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO HIM,
cause' it's really killing me that it happen, I think I'm going to call him right now!!!
:)

my dad makes me so madd sometimes,
that I just want to shoot someone,
preferably him.



Joce, Devon, Cody, Tenzin, Joe,
Dylan, Peter, Maery, Melissa,
Ali, Phoebe, Daniel (?), Jake, and Kas.
Are sleeping over, well, most likely sleeping over.
I have a hunch that Dylan, Kas, Daniel and Ali, might not be able to sleepover,
and I kind of wish that, that will happen.


cause' my dad only wants 10 to sleepover, cause' he's a buttface
and 4 more wont make a difference.

I'm so glad hes going away on monday.
I like it best when he does that,
the family is so much happier when he's gone

I honestly hate him, sometimes.
I hate saying hate,
cause' it's such a strong word,
but there's nothing else in the dictionary to describe my feelings for me.
I like need to do seomthing,
sdklfjsgsd
-_-"

he sucks at arguing
and the only reason why he "wins" is because he's the authorative figure in the house
and I say FUCK THAT.

umm I love Marcus.
:)


10 more til' 100
:D

umm Maery and Phoebe are like people who I really hate,
but at the same time, not.
Things that they do, makes me want to strangle them both.

Maery I hate, because she thinks she's more mature than everyone else,
just because she's had sex, done drugs, her mom died, smoked.. blahb lahb blah
and she always takes control and thinks she's all that,
but she just needs to suck a cock.
She's just too bossy sometimes, she always want things to go her way.

Phoebe is just too self-absorbed. She thinks she's higher than everyone else, she seems like she wants people to praise her, when she tells us things about herself, SHE NEEDS A COCK TO SUCK AS WELL.

SHE NEEDS TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES HERSELF AND POKEMON.
she likes doing things to people, but when people do it back to her, she wont let them.
SHE NEEDS TO GET OVER HERSELF, that selfish arrogant loser.
I don't like inviting her to sleepovers with a bunch of people cause' most of the time she's like "Don't do this,.. don't do that.. BLAHBLAHBLAH!!" /... SHUT Upp..




I like, want to shoot both of them wiht no regrets.

vain tears, and thy trust is gone.
Taken from thy heart, what hath thee done?
Thine own love is to be lovest with affection.
Thy shalt not takest control of one, but himself.
Oh wonderful envy, oh hateful love, wherefor art thou gone?
Sorrow strikest in thine own soul,
Where to love?
Where to be loved?
How shall one love another?
Why is such beauty of a emotion thrown around?
Faithful, honest trust don't be so devious.
I pray thee pardon my sin,
but I hath gone against thy's wishes.
I send forth my own hand,
And ask thou to takest it with the most care.
Sweet devine, simple purity, worthy love doth not lie.
Keep your strength.

where is everyone when I need them the most?!
THEY'RE NO WHERE IN SIGHT!


Ian came over tonight
and we practised for Sunday School worship
and we sucked!
so we decided to not lead the worship this Sunday.

I've never been so tired and out of it in my life for a whole DAY!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I disappointed Ian, a little.
Leading worship with Ian, is one big anxiety attack,
cause' he can't well with the guitar,
he kind of mumbles
annd I don't know the songs that well,
to not have him sing along with me
-_-"


I feel as if I've let him down,
and tracy and Lisa.


I hugged Marcus today,
he's such a cute hugger. <3
I love that guy.
Though, I havn't really had any serious conversations with him lately.
I miss the good ol' days,
though I feel as if I annoy him, a lot.
:(

ooh, I called Cody today,
he got all four of his wisdom teeths removed
on Tuesday, same day as I went in to get my cavities filled.


I need Joce, to talk to right now.



27th-28th, BIG SLEEPOVER.
I'm contemplating,
cause' I want to go to Brandy's school that day,
but I want to spend that day with my home dawgs,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!! :(

REYNOLDS FIRST DANCE WAS TONIGHT!!
so much freaking FUNN!!

I hugged a whole bunch of people
liike every guy I knew!
annd I think I was kind of flirty/slutty tonight
annd I LOVED IT
:)


I danced with Jon and Daniel!
annd a bunch of girls,
annd I was going to dance with Stu,
but I couldn't find him. :(


I LOVED IT,
but I felt really sick halfway through
annd couldn't dance


I LOVE REYNOLDS DANCES,
so much fun,
and it's a good place to get to know people better

I LOOOVED IT
Jon and I definately got to know each other better!!
not like he felt me up or anything, but it was grand!
:)
I love that kid, hehe.

annd I was so happy that Daniel came to the dance,
David jsut kind of makes things awkward.

I love reynolds dances,
GOOD ADRENALINE RUSHES!!!!!
bayley made out with what's his face, BRAZILIAN GUY!
-_-"

I don' tknow how I can do gym tomorrow morning,
I'm so sore!!
I NEED SLEEP
annd I need to pass my science test!



GOOD NIGHT1

today was lucas's birthday
rory is going back to yale and got a job
and she and her mom are tight again
joce's birthday is tomorrow,
but I can't hang out with her after school
cause' she's having a birthday party with other people
I have to make her a card,

I cut Joe's hair,
well Jes and I both did,
buut she like (to be honest) sucked at it,
so I had to even it all out,
annd it LOOKS hot on him. :)
annd Mely dyed his hair dark brown,
but I bought him the dye,
which he has to pay me back
but he's a hottie,
and I need to upload the my pictures,
TOMORROW! cause' I"m too lazy to do it now, heh.

BRANDY CALLED ME WHILE I WAS IN WAL-MART
<3
I miss that girl, a lot.
I'm almost sure that I'm going to go visit her at Stelly's
on the 28th
cause' I have a pro-d day on that day,
annd she doesn't
buut I think I might be a having a big sleepover on the night before,
so, I'm not sure.


oh, I also BLEACHED AND DYED JES'S HAIR.
:)


I THINK I'M GOING TO CUT AND DYE PEOPLE'S HAIR, now
and when I get better,
I should start charging a bit,
or get people to donate a bit of money :)
like a dollar or something.
annd make them pay for the dye, hehe.

oor pay for at least half the dye,
if I have it already, but depending on how much of it they used.

but, I'm not totally sure if I want to charge people, though.
I hope Joe tells people that I cut his hair, and not the other Jes,
cause' I did most of the work.

ummm, well, Mely invited Kas to come with,
annnd I honestly, didn't want her there,
annd it's rude for people to invite other people
without consulting the person that incited them.
LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME.
screw them.


makes me mad.
-_-"

NO MORNING BAND FOR JESSICA TOMORROW!!
SO HAPPY.
:D

gahh,
I have to write a sonnet by wednesday,
so not looking forward to it!
annd I need to do it with Hope!
I guess it'll be much easier that way
but I promised jeff first,
but I think I'm going to go with Hope instead of him
cause' he's always paging and stuff
annd he's not so good at stuff like that
-_-"
I'm such a bad friend.
:(
gaaah.


school went quite well,
I had a dentist appointment at 11:30
annd afterwards I came back to school about 12
annd I had a MAAJOR LISP
annd it was so hawt,
I hope I get a lisp some other day. :)
cauuse' I love talking with a lisp,
so much fun.
except everyone laughed at me,
though I must admit, I did like the attention, hehe.


after school
there was a MUSICAL CREW meeting, FINALLLY
:)

but then after that
Joce, Phoebe and Daniel came over for a game of Scattegories,
which I wooped their butts! :)
56 points in two rounds, haha.

but Phoebe and Daniel battled it out after the two rounds.
:)



Tomorrow,
Jes, Mely, and Joe are coming over after school for a hair-dying partyy.
:)
Joe is cutting most of his hair off, and dying it
annd Jes, wants to bleach her bangs with my bleach and dye it green with my bleach
whiiiich, I really don't want her to do, cauuse' I'm super selfish with stuff like that.
So, I'm going to get her to pay for half of the bleach tomorrow,
when we stop my shoppers
cause' I'm not sure if I have enough bleach for both of us anyways.
yeaaaaaaaaah.



ummmmmmmmmmmmm
I NEED TO PASS ENGLISH WITH A GOOOD GRADE
like an A.
annd I need to write a sonnet
annd I think someone should write one for me!

school tomorrow,
not looking forwar to it,
I want to avoid everyone.
I'm so stupid, I freak out about the stupidest things
but stupid things like that,
makes me think, if they really care about me or not
cause' it's not the first time they've done something like tha
and from me observing how they act with other people, friends.
they definitely care about me, less.

AND I SAY FUCK THAT.
:)



p.s. I cut my hair the other day,
I did it myself,
it looks great,
but I regret it plenty.
-_-"
it's short, too short.
I promised myself that I wouldn't cut it anymore,
and I did.
:(

Stacy gave me a hug yesturday,
he's a cutie.
:)


you know who's the biggest cutie in the world?!
Ryan Malcom,
he makes me want to smother him in hugs.
heh
:D


SPICE WORLD IS ON TV RIGHT NOW!!
:)

I NEED LOVE
i think i'm going to keep on telling myself that
until it works.
:)

well, today I realized that I don't have friends that cares about me, enough to wait for me at my locker, after I got change from my uniform.

The concert went well,
but afterwards, SUCKEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD my balls.
I went back to my locker after I got changed,
annd no one was there,
so I sat infront of my locker
and waitied for them, thinking that they were just getting out of class late,
buuut NO.
I waited for awhile,
then decided that they left without me (WHICH WAS RIGHT)
so then I went and walked around hoping that I'll find other people to hang out with
annd so, I found Graham, Alix and Dana, they were selling Reynolds Wear,
so they kind of had to hang out with me
:)
heheh
But when I was walking to my locker,
I saw Cody and Kim,
and they didn't even bother saying HI to me
or even wait for me or anything
:@
soooooo after a while I checked back at the locker again
to see if they've come back yet, but nope
so I walked back to where Graham and them were
but then I saw Maery,
and she told me to sit wiht her
cause' she thought I was walking around by myself (which was true)
but that was nice of her :)

like a minte or two after I sat down with maery,
they came,
I was like "WAY TO WAIT FOR ME!, geez"
then Joce said some stupid excuse and was like
"we thought you were in the band room, so we went there and looked for you"
woouldn't they have enough common sense that if I wasn't there
I'd be at my locker waiting for them?
I mean, who else do they think I hang out wiht?!
LOSERS.
I hate them so much sometimes.


I HATE FRIENDS,
honestly, if they care so much about me,
why can't they even do something simple like
wait for me at lunch?!
GAH, BLOODY HELL.
-_-"




I hate being mad at them,
but they honestly need to suck my cock.
SCREW THEM ALL.
poke gai.
that's what they are.
freaking whores.




I bet if it was someone like Devon,
tehy'd wait for her,
I HATE THAT.
pgah
asdadasfg;riotewehlrfgrejk'rwgbn
d

I GET TO MISS GYM TOMORROW!!!!
:)

cause' Senior band is playing for the Remembrance Day assembly tomorrow
and I'm in it, :)

I think I have a cold,
but I refuse to believe it.
Like always.
But I like how my voice sounds with a cold.
:D

JOE GOT INTO A CAR ACCIDENT, gahh!!
scary.
but he's fine but a little beat up
-_-"

he's sucha cutie,
and I"m cutting his hair next tuesday.
annd most likely dying it.








I NEEEEEEEEEEED LOVE
or attention
:)

p.s.
I've been saying "peace" (with the peace sign) and "sup" instead of "good-bye" and "hello"
:)

SUPPPAH GANSTA OR WHAT.
:)
heh

I wish I had someone to hold me

I've been denying this for awhile now, but I'm really predictable, heh.
annd I realyl hate it haha.

umm for the past two weeks i've been really angry and pissy, and giving unfortunate people the cold shoulders BADLY.
But I don't know Chris kind of did deserves it.
-_-"
GAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

CODY NEEDS TO SUCK MY BALLS.
Everytime I try to talk to him
he always wonder off onto something else.
that's why I can't tell hiim anything.
-_-"
makes me so mad.
and he doesn't even notice
annd I've even told him about it before
and yet, he doesn't change, AT ALL
that loser.

so that whole 8 or 9 months thing,
I defnitely broke it
heh.
-_-"
ooh well.
now it starts all over again
:)
though, it's a bit tempting ahah
ooh well, Ill hold my urges.
:)


I GOT CUT FROM THE REMEBRANCE DAY CONCERT AT CITY HALL
I never get cut from anything.
-_-"

I got 84% on my math test that I did last friday
one of the highest marks in class,
mostly everyong to 70-something percent, or failed.
:)

buut, the thing we did in Math today makes me want to drop out of school, heh
-__-"

we had our first band concert of the school year tonight
I was in three ensambles,
annd now i'm pooped


annd JOE (trombone player.. also, in gr. 9) HE's SUCH A CUUUUUUUUUUTIE!
makes me want snuggle him hahaha
:)
I want to say hi to him in the halls but it's just awkward,
cauuse' Simon is there,
and he's awkward, gah.
I wish I wasn't so silly
Next time I see, I'll say hi to them BOTH.
I'll promise myself that,
exceppt I'm a pansy. hahahah
-_-"


last night I went to bed at 8-ish
buut before that I took a nap at 6-8-ish.
:)
annd now I don't feel like sleeping
-_-"



YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS A CUTIE?!
DANIEL!
and Stacy,
and Peter,
and Dylan,
and Simon (when I'm not so weird around him),
annd Cody (when he's not being a butthead),
and Tenzin,
and Cordell,
and Kenny,
and that guy that I can't remeber his name,
and Joe W.,
and Joce,
and Ali,
and Bayley,
and Phoebe,
and Devon,
annd a bunch of other people that I can't think of right now.
:)

CHRIS HAMBLY AND DANIEL'S BROTHER ARE HOTTIES,
and others of course.
:)

I have to play in Thursday's Remembrance Day Assembly.
NERVE-WRECKING!!
-_-"


I LOVE READING SHAKESPEARE PLAYS OUT LOUD!!
:)
they're so fun!
I feel like skipping school and read all day,
not only shakespeare plays but books that I have

on Sunday I bought a biography on Janis Joplin,
buut I have yet to finish the book that I'm reading
and the biographyo n Anthony Kiedes.
gahh
hahaha the book I'm reading right now (Dark Dance)
it has MAJOR INCEST IN IT
grossy.
-_-"


I HAVN'T BEEN ON THE COMPUTER FOR THE PAST THREE DAYS OR SO
which is weiird.
:

i need sleep right now
I think I'm going to do requirements tomorrow morning
maybe lunch,
and after school
heheh.
-_-"
it's cause' I NEED TO BE PERFECT,
I think
-heheh.

I hope I do good on my Jazz band requirements,
I can't improvise for my LIFE!
annd I need to make up my own solo for a couple of them
annd even when I practise, I can't even come up with one
that I can keep in time with
WHICH IS LAMMME!!!
gah.


umm I hope I'm not mean to Chris on thursday.
I really hooooooooope
I think to avoid that happening
I'll have to bring my guitar
instead of my bass
he's the one that makes me go NO WHERE ON MY BASS
annd I hate him for that.
-_-"
:(
:@

ummm I hope we have morning band on Friday
so I get to see that cutie Joe (I think his last name starts with a "B", I can't remember)!
:)

I got to go to the hatchery with him last WEEK!
annd I sat in the backseat with him,
CUUTIE
I tried to make conversation with both him and Stacey (her mom= driver),
on the way to the car, and on the way to the hatchery
buut when we got ot the hatchery,
I kind of ignored them both for keiran
(OH YEAH KEIRAN, MARCUS, ROSS, AND GRAHAM ARE CUUTIES, too. :) )
buut I needed too
(oh yeah, LEVI IS A CUTIE AS WELL)
cause Keiran had no one ot talk too, I think
(ooh yeah, Baron is a cutie as well, heheh)
(mattaius was a cutie too, until he got perverted!)
I dont' know, maybe next time I should ignore anyone,
and try to get on everyone's good side.
:)


NICOLE WANNAMAKER IS A MAJOR CUTIE,
and same with paige lindsay.
:)

of course, Jodi is a hawtie,
natalie is a cutie as well,
annd same with kas,
and BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE
:D


I LOVE MARCUS,
heheheh
(L)

I wish I had someone to love me.

I've decided to devote most of my time on here.
:)
I wish I had someone to talk to
I want to share everything with Cody,
but it seems like I'm building some barriers or something,
I think I'm going to ask him to hang out with me somewhere else, other than my house.
Like beacon hill or something.
For the longest time now, I've been wanting to go to Beacon Hill, have a photo shoot,
or just hang or something.
It'd be amazing and just calming, you know?!

I love Cody as a friend, and for sure he's definitely one of my best friends,
but sometimes I get this feeling where he doesn't care,
or doesnt want to care, -___-"
I know, it's stupid to even think about it,
but that's the vibe that I get.

Brandy, I miss her so much, you would not believe it,
buut I can't bring myself to phone her,
I hate talking on the phone,
I wish she still went on MSN,
that totally ruined everything!
she's naive that way, hahah.
I should call her tonight.

ooh Joce, she's one of my best friends as well.
But I hate how she forgets things too easily.
For example, like if she said that I could go with her and co. to do something,
she would forget the next day,
so I would have to remind her.
it's kind of annoying



I had a math test today,
it was pretty easy, until the last question.
It took me about 10 mins. to think about it, and even after that,
I couldnt even answer it,
I took a guess, and hopefully I did well.

Well, I got let off of school early today cause' there was a black out
it was kind of interesting
I had morning band
and halfway through it the lights went out and I'm like "I CAN'T SEE"
but they kept of playing
hahah
thhen Mr Wilson opened up these blinds things
annd we had light
after awhile Mrs. Miller came in and told us that we could go home
so i took the bus to my transfer,
then walked home from there

I'm waiting for 11:30am so that I could decide if i'm going to go back or not.
cause' I have a math test to do since yesturday,
but since I went to the Hatchery I couldn't do it
annd I really don't want to wait another day

ooh wwelll.
I guess I will

HATCHERY SUCKED MY NON-EXISTENT BALLLLLLS!

We spent half an hour waiting for the guy to come out and welcome us, during that half an hour, we watched Coho swimming around in a tank. When the guy finally came out, we went in and he talked to us for a few mintues, then he made us watch a movie for liek 15 mins., after that he gutted two Chums and did exactly what the movie did (IN OTHER WORDS, THE MOVIE WAS USELESS :@), for the third Chum, Evan (grade nine) gutted it. Oh, when the guy gutted the first Chum, he cut off the liver and passed it around. The blood on my plastic gloves, looked like period blood, but it surely didn't smell like it.

After the gutting of the Chums, we went back in and we sorted dead salmon eggs from the living ones. That took forever. When we finished, he made a couple of us weigh the living salmon eggs to a specific weight then, put it back to the incubator.

When that was all done, he talked to us for a bit , then yet again, we watched a movie for the final 10 mins or so.

SO THE MORAL IS, MOVE YOUR CHAIR SO YOU CAN WATCH THE MOVIE WITHOUT STRAINING YOUR NECK!

Joe is coming over not this coming tuesday, but the next tuesday after that, and I'm going ot dye and cut it, also, Jes and Mely are coming on the same day, and I'm dying Jes's hair. :)
I think I should start my own business or something, haha, or maybe after awhile I should start charging a small price like 4 bucks or something. :)

This coming tuesday, I have a band concert! GAH. hahah.

hah, I've realized that I'm way too clingy for my own good. I should of realized this a LOOOOONG time ago, but eh. :)

boo, I want a boyfriend.

I'm going to the Fish Hatchery tomorrow. I'm leaving at lunch!
I get to chill with Kieran and Dan, supah cool or what?!



BUUURN ON RORY, taking advantage of her goody-two-shoe-ness.
HAH.

I have a math test tomorrow, I hope I do GOOOOD,
cauuse' I did really well on the worksheet,
and did pretty well on the review questions that I made for myself.
:)

I spent the whole weekend with Daniel and Joce. I am so glad that we're all getting so close, it's so cuuute!
Joce and I helped Daniel buy some new clothes, cause' he was getting sick of wearing hand-me-downs all the time.
HE LOOKS SO CUTE IN HIS NEW CLOTHESS!!!!!
Makes me want to hug him all day.
it really suits him.

On sunday, Joce and I, went to Daniel's house, the intention of the whole thing was to play stick ball, but that didn't happen because of the weather. So, we played Trivial Pursuit (BEST GAME EVER) instead. Near the end, we talked about how I'm going to get my liscense (most likely) before them. So, we decided to go on a road trip during the summer before graduation up to the Yukon, IT'LL BE SO TIGHT, I'm alreayd excited for it!, Except we said taht we'll invite another guy with us, to even out the testosterone.

But then, afterwards, we talked about where we're going after graduation, and we're all going to split up. I thit me that were most likely not going to see each other after graduation. And it just really sucks thinking that, I almost started to cry, cause it's so depressing. I love these two, they make me so happy when I'm with them, both. I always laugh, almost, until I pee myself.

GAH, Joe is a cutie, he always apologizes when he cancel out on me.

I've been telling a lot of guys that they're cute lately, I kind of like it, cause' I'm more open that wya,
ahah.


Gah, I hate overly protective friends. Friends that gets really jealous of their friend's being friends wiht other people.
STUPPPPPPPID.

I wish I lived a happier life,
or a life where I was sure of everything.
Or a life where I took risks
I feel so "safe"

I feel like I should do a drug or something.
But not pot, cause' that's silly.
I don't know.
GAH.
I HATE MYSELF,
emo, or what?
BUT WHO CARES?!?!?
WHO BLOODY CARES?!
the world has corrupted us with such thoughts like that,
anyone who hates themselves are considered EMO and bloody attention seekers
JUST BECAUSE THAT PERSON GOT YOUR ATTENTION
doesn't mean that they're an attention seeker, loser.
People who just hate and not care, just needs someone who they can put down.
People need to get a life, and stop hating.
FRICK.
I need to love, and be loved.
I love hugging guys.
Especially Cody, and Daniel,
they're such cuties.
I'm not pessimistic, I just disagree with you.

I LOVE GUYS, hahahah.

I don't know, I want a boyfriend. I need that kind of attention right now,
I feel so damn lonely.
I feel as if I'm missing out from something.
I feel like I'm not pretty or attractive enough to be someone's girlfriend.
I hate it.
I need love.
I really do.
I hate seeing people who I'm close with have a closer relationship with someone else, and they say that they have a close relationship with me.
FRICK, I don't know freaking know.


I don't eeven know what my thoughts are on Christianity. It's somehting I, somewhat, believe in.

I wish sometimes I could just come right out and say everything, but really I can't
I can't trust the internet, but at the same time, I do, I really do.
I need to be PERFECT, in order to live a happy life, I NEED to stop contradicitng myself,
and be a hypocrite.
I need to be right
and feel superior.
I NEED to show off and be acknowledged for my perfections.
I don't need stress or high anxiety.

I just want to take time off from school and be happy and live life wihtout people knowing who I am.

I wish I was someone who nobody was friends with, but people really want to be friends with me.
I'd love that, cause' I'd love knowing that they're not my friends, cause' they can't, but really they want to be my friends, you know?!

I NEED TO SCREAM
and be one with karma.

I need to stop acting so bloody selfish, and be listened to.

I need to fix my imperfections to make them adequate.
I need to stop being embarassed about stupid things.

I wish my body was perfect.

I wish I was perfect, I wish everyone liked me,
I wish someone liked me more than a friend.

I WISH I COULD BE MORE CONFIDENT.

I want to drop out of my band... err bands, cause' I hate knowing that they're actually serious about it. Cause' I freak out and think that I'm not serious enough, which is true cause' I suck.

I feel like crying 24/7 but I don't, cause' I'm not that retarded.
I need to see a pychologist, and can't explain it to my parents that I do.

I wish I lived in China,
I wish something drastic happens to me,
and I'll get noticed.


I wish I got more noticed,
I wish I wasn't such a whore.
I wish my imperfection wasn't so noticable.
I wish I was skinnier.


I WISH I WAS SOMEONE ELSE, like Joce.

I wish I was prettier. I wish I was hotter, I wish I was perfect.







I NEED TO BE PERFECT TO BE HAPPY.
I NEED TO BE AWARE OF EVERYTHING
BLOOOOOODY HELL.
:(



JOCE AND I HELPED DANIEL PICK OUT CLOTHING TODAY!!

I wish I had some sort of assurance that marc or joe wouldn't make things awkward if I told them my feelings.

umm, Devon makes me so mad. She's so overprotective, she's manipulative, she's controlling and she needs to accept the fact that Joce has other friends than her. She's needs to stop making Joce feel guilty, and Joce needs to stand up for herself.

ummmmmm I NEED TV TO NOT SUCK AND BE BETTTTER

I THINK I SHOULD BECOME AN ACTRESS SO I CAN STAND UP FOR MYSELF
AND MAKE TV CHANGE, THEY MAKE ME SOOOOOOOOO BLOODY MAD.


I make myself so bloody mad.

Guess what I also want? a boyfriend.
I feel so bloody lonely sometimes, I just wish I had some experience, you know?
I feel as if I need someone to be my confidant,
I just don't feel like I can trust anyone, I need some moral support,
or just support of any kind.
I need love, to put it bluntly.
I need to write a ballad about love and stuff,
and I feel so fake writing about it, cause' I've never experienced anything more than just a crush.
frickin' nuts.
I need to defeat guilt trips and stubborness
I need anger management of some sort.
I need someone who I can just go to and confide in,
I can't confide in my frineds,
for the risk of them telling other people
or for the risk of them thinking htat i"m a loser
that I"m stupid or something
and I don't want that
I need someone who will listen
and not think any less of me
maybe, that's why I trust people when I first meet them,
because they can't lose any respect for me, you know?
maybe that's why I have comittment problems?!
I DON'T KNOW
I NEED HELP
and why can't anyone tell me that.
I NEEEEED HONESTY,
I need blunt honesty,
and not just from my parents
I need to argue, and what not.

I need to let loose, and let everything out.
I CAN"T HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER.
:(
I need hellppppp,
I need a best friend.





My goal is to lose at least 10 pounds by the end of this school year.
Cause' I'm a fatty.

I feel like a fatty, cause' I totally gave in to the eating and ate a bunch.
AND I'M FAT
AND NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT
IT'S NOT BECAUSE I HAVE PROBLEMS WITH SELF IMAGE
IT'S BECAUSE I REALLY AM FAT,
185lbs is fat.

though, I tell people I'm 160lbs.
I think people don't believe, but makes me think that they believe it.

I'M A FATTTTY,
I NEED TO EAT A BUNCH LESS
I need to go on runs
and like be more motivated to lose more weight.
I am quite proud of myself
cause' like 3 months ago my highest weight was 193lbs, and my average was 188lbs
and now my average is 182-183lbs, highest is 185.5lbs.
BUT STILL I'M A FATTTTTTTY,
I need exercise.
FRICK.

9:33pm

aww, I miss Speed.

I feel like my confidence went away with my hair.
I'm so glad that I'm growing it out again.

Gah, I hope tomorrow will turn out okay,
I really don't want anything to screw up,
I want it to be like last time,
except without Kas and Cody stuck to each other,
which wont happen.
I don' tknow..
I just want it to work out
I really wish that Devon didn't tell maery about it
cause' honestly, I don't really like Maery.
-_-"

and also, I don't exactly want Stacy to be here either.
cause' him and I barely even talk,
and I actually thinks he really dislikes me.

but other than maery and stacy,
I don't want Kas bringing her new boyfriend,
honestly, I don't want her here either.

I'm fine with everyone else.
cause' I know they will make everything fun just like last time.
soo, I'm EXCITED FOR THAT.
:D
gahh, I'll just try to enjoy myself,
but I don't want to get blamed for anything.

I wish there was something that I could take to make everything alright
make all my trouble go away.
I want to argue liket ehre's no tomorrow.
I love it,
I love the rush
I love people who I can have a good argue with,
I don't want argues like YOUR STUPID, I'mnot listening, blahblahbl
SHUT UP.
gah.
I think I'll be a good leader someday.
But at the same time I don't htink I would make a good leader at all. haha.
heh.
I want to go out and buy everything.

I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE OKAY.
I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE JUST THE WAY IT USE TO BE
I WANT BRANDY TO CARE
I WANT MY LIFE BACK
I WANT PEOPLE TO LIKE ME
I WANT MY FRIENDS WOULD CARE MORE
SCREW THEM
WHY AM I SUCH A FRIGGIN' LITTLE BRAT??!?!?!
WHY DO I WANT EVERYTHING MY WAY?!
WHY DOES EVERYTHIGN HAVE TO BE MY WAY?!?!
:(

umm yeah.

I feel like I'm fat in every way possible.
and I hate it.
I feel as if guys don't like me as much because I have somewhat short hair.

screw Joe and my feelings for him.
:( (U)
ILH so much.

I just want to go around and help everyone and just give them the time of day. I want them to trust me, I want them to tell me things they don't tell other people, I want people to know that I care, and I'm here to help them, and that I give advices to my best knowledge. I want people to know that I'm always here for them, and that I wouldn't leave them for anything.

I'm in like a desperate need for someone to listen to me.
I hate asking people to listen to me.
I just need to get into a conversation with them,
but I don't want to talk to people like Joce or Brandy or Phoebe.. etc,
cauuse' I just can't.
It's not that I don't trust them,
but I just can't.
I want someone like Sam, or Ian, or Ryan or something of that authoritive figure to listen to me.
I can't ask Joce to listen to me, cause' I feel as if I'm just bringing her down
or like annoying her, cause' I get really annoyed with myself when I talk to her about my problems,
I'm just like "SHUT UP JESSICA, you've already told her that you ATTENTION WHORE!"
I can't tell Brandy anything cause' it feels as if she doesn't understand or she doesn't like heraing it or that she doesn't care, or something, cause' I"ve tried talking to her about a lot of stuff, but it just feels like she just changes the subject and just avoid it, and it really sucks taht she does that too, cause' she's my best friend. :(
I can't tell Phoebe stuff, cause' I feel that she's too judgemental, or that I'm intimidated or something, I don't know.. I just can't.
I can't tell Cody, cause' I don't think he cares, I know he does, buut I don't know. I just can't have a something or other, I dont' know.. I just can't.
But no one at my church seems to care, at all... annd I don't want to tlak to them about my problems there, maybe I do, I don't know..
I just wish someone would just ask me how I was,
annd that I could just tell them,
be open or something,
I feel so secluded from a lot of people,
because I can't open up to them.
I use to have this bond with Marcus, but he's been acting weird,
and doesn't seem like he cares at all, so whatever.
I feel like the only thing that I could ever depend on to listen to me is this online journal,
annd i hate that, cauuse' I feel like this online journal knows me more
than any of my friends,
cauuse' I can't open up to them.
You're the one that I've told everything too.
No one knows most of the stuff that goes on in my head.
I'm still hiding out some stuff that I've never ever put into words or on paper.
It sucks that I can tell an online journal anything,
but can't even talk to my best friend about my latest problem without thinking that she doesn't care.

stupid.
:( :(
I just need someone who I can depend on to listen to me,
I miss Mo so much for that.
But now, I feel as if he's just distracted with ingrid,
and that he doesn't have time for me when he comes online,
annd there's no way I can trust talking to him over e-mails,
cause' I know Ingrid is going ot be there,
heck, I can't even tell him stuff over MSN, now,
cause' I know Ingrid is going to be there,
so lame. :(
I miss the old days, where Mo didn't have Ingrid, nor did he go to Bible college,
I miss telling him my problems, and having him there to give me advice,
I can't go to anyone, ever, cause' they don't help me at all.
they just go "awww.." "that sucks" ":(" .. annd I'm like "GO TO HELL, I need advice, not pity."
Or they've even changed subjects on me, annd I'm like "THANKS A LOT FOR NOTHING LOSER!"
liiike what's the deal?!
I miss days where I didn't have any worries,
I miss days that i didn't feel lonely
I miss days where I didn't have to bottle up things
I miss days where I didn't have so many fears
I miss days that I know I had friends taht cared for me
I miss days where I know friends will ask me to hang out with them
I miss days where I went on and on about something
I miss days where I was fun to be around
I miss days where I was funny
I miss days in elementary.
I miss Brandy,
I miss Mo,
I miss happiness
I miss being listened too,
I miss not worrying about stupid things liek this
I miss not crying over stupid things
I miss having normal human emotions
I miss not being awkward around guys
I miss having fun with a group of people and not feel left out
I miss days where I was wanted in a group of friends
I miss days where I use to be athletic
I miss days where I use to be "healthy"
I MISS EVERYTHING,
I miss my old life,
I HATE DEPRESSION
annd what it has done to me.
I hate being so bloody sad all the time, over NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING.
I hate being the "boring" one in the group
I hate being such a fat loser that I am,
I hate bottling things up,
I HATE people.
I hate people who wont listen to me, and end up happening things to them cause' they didn't listen.
I hate people who are ignorant
I hate people who are like me.
I hate people hating me cause' I'm boring
I hate being the quiet one
I hate the way I act
I hate the way I am
I hate the person taht I am
I hate me.
I hate me the most
I hate faking things
I hate a lot of things
I hate mo for leaving
I hate my dad and his closemindedness
I hate my mom cause' she's ignorant
I hate my brother cause' he's so angry
I hate my ANGER,
I hate that no one listens,
I hate people who give up on other people cause' they're depressed WAY TO BE A FRIEND, you friggin' loser.
I hate people who ditches other people
I hate friends.
I hate school,
I hate groups of people
I hate social contact.
I hate society,
I LOVE ARGUEMENTS AND COMPLAING ABOUT STUFF
I LOVE HONESTY, blunt or just a bit soften "the blow"
I LOVE ANGER
I LOVE RELIEF
I LOVE ADVICES
I LOVE GIVING ADVICES
I LOVE BEING TOLD THAT I'M A GOOD PERSON
I LOVE ESPRESSING MYSELF
I LOVE GETTING THINGS OFF MY CHEST
I LOVE CRYING
I LOVE BEING ALONE
I LOVE BEING QUIET
I LOVE SADNESS
I LOVE DEPRESSION
I LOVE WRITING DOWN EMOTIONS
I LOVE BEING AGRESSIVE
I LOVE BEING INTIMIDATING
I LOVE WINNING
I LOVE BOASTING
I LOVE BEING PROUD OF SOMETHING
I LOVE BRAGGING
I LOVE PEOPLE WHO CARES,
I LOVE BEING HYSTERICAL,
I LOVE people when they're sad, cause' it shows emotion, and it shows another side of them.
but I just hate stuff.

I just want friends, but I can't depend on them,
I can't bring myself to believe, that they care.
I need to know constantly that they love me as a friend,
I need to know that they care about me.
I'M A STUPID SELFISH WHORE.
annd I hate myself.
:)
suck it.

open up.

I find the need to like, confess all on my secrets that I need to confess.
Exceppt I really don't have any.
I think.
Well, there is a few, but nahh.
hahhahhaaha.

oookay, maaybe I should. hahahha.
:|

not in any particular order...

I think I still like Tom, and John..

I obviously still like Marcus. But talking to him over msn makes me want to vomit. He like, just has this attitude, that one that's like "I don't care, but really I do.." JOOOOCK. annd I find that lame, annd what I use to really like about him before was that he was really sweet and caring and was really open about it, unlike most guys. <3.. buut now, since this "attitude" that like started up during the summer when he went away to camp.. ever since he's "developed" it, we've been drifting apart, annd I kind of hate it. We were so close before, we jsut talked about anything that was on our minds and what not, you know? We had this trust in each other, just something about it was comforting.. annd now, I feel as if I need to think twice to talk about what's on my mind, it amkes me feel like he doesn't care as much. I don't know. He's kind of making me mad. Maybe, I really don't like him as much as I would like too.

I feel like I want to become my own person, annd like be indepedent and stuff you know? I feel like I want to have seperate friends. Like outside of school friends and school friends, and I want to keep them seperate. I don't want any of them mixing, buut some of them are, and I hate it, to be honest. Liike, I just want to know that I have friends that have no idea how I am at school, like, as if my friends at school was going to ditch me one day, I would have another group of friends to turn too.

I always have this feeling that people are annoyed with me, annd I'm pretty sure it's right.

I always feel as if I need to prove myself to people.

I constantly find myself needing to surprise people about me.

I honestly LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE/ADORE heart to heart conversations and one-on-one bonding time.

I, honestly, stopped depending on people, err.. friends. I rather trust some stranger than my actual friend, stupid, eh? But it's true. I just, can't trust my friends, cauuse' they might tell someone else, and I just can't risk that. I have to know that, that someone I trust will NOT tell anyone else.

I'm easily manipulated, annd usually feel guilty saying "no" boldly.

I've always wanted to pee standing up. :)

I want to go skinny dipping.

Do something extreme that I'll regret, but not really.

Loose a ton of weight, like 20 pounds.

I secretly want to become really close with Daniel, Peter, annd maybe Dylan.

I secretly want to be on everyone's good side.

I really want to change the world one day. Well, not exactly THE WORLD, but maybe a part of it. Like their schooling system or something.

I also want to become really rich one day annd buy a ton of stuf with it.

I want to be sure taht I'm going to be financially secured for the rest of my life.

Becoming poor is secretly a fear that I fear the most or close too.

I don't mind being alone, being bored is what I can't handle.

I'm convinced that there's actually something wrong with me.

I'm convinced that I'm really immature annd dont' know how to "play around" without being immature. But, at the same time I'm overly mature for my age, or matured enough?

I'm convinced taht I'm really not funny.

okay, this is definitely not everything, but pretty darn cloose..HAHHA NOT. :)

Faii took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Her need to feel more causative and to have a wide..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

I think I want to go to a different church
after I get it done.
oor maybe, I might stay there
buut I know a lot of respect will be loss
annd everyone will be afraid of me.
friick.
I'm just afraid of what's going to happen, if I do.
:(

I feel like I need to go find myself a new style,
a new kind of beauty
I want to change my hair
buut I want to grow it out,
and at the same time I want to keep it they way it is.

I feel alienated from my church,
annd I don't know what to do.

I feel as if I'm on a different level than they are.
I feel as if I'm just so different from them.
I just don't get their ways.
They all want to be different from everyone,
yet they're ALL the samme.


people are so stupid sometimes.
maaaaaaaaan, losers.

some people need to know that not everyone is going to be there forever.
FRICKK<

I need to eat less.

ummmm, I don't know what ot think of my dad
my feelings for him change SO BLOODY MUCH you have no idea
He can be a pretty cool guy, I think
annnnnnnnnd he can be the most ignorant, stubborn, closeminded guy in the WOOOOORLD.
I guess, that's where I get it from.
I hate how my mom just sits there and says nothing, she does not stand up for me
but him, I hate that.
FREAAKKKING
I can't believe he even said for me to not hang out with him as much,
because "he's not a good person"
WHATTTTTTTT A FRICKKKKKIN HYPOCRITE
he's a not a good person, either
annd I'm suppose to "love" him.
SCREW THAT.
even putting love and him in the same sentence makes it awkward for me to type
I can't love him, ever.
he's just a parental figure, not a parent, at all.





















































































sucks.

okay, well.. I'm lame..
everytime I start, I just can't stop.
I just blab away everything, and anything.
-_-"

feels like my expectation for people are waay too high.

cody is da bomb.
ahahhaha.
BFFF.
werrrd.

Freaking hell,
I'm not even one bit effected by that Mercade's story, not the least bit.
It's like, okay she's died from drugs, so?
It was like a one minute thing, you know?

I finally told someone about my problems with Christanity.
I told Joce. I'm glad I did,
but at the same time, I regret it.
I'm not sure where I am, in Christ.
I feel so motivated to grow as a Christian,
but at the same time, I don't want to go anywhere, at all.
I feel like I want to shout to the world that I'm a Christian
buut I wouldn't know how to answer people
if they ask me, Why are you a Christian, well, I do..
but I feel awkward saying it, you know?
like I get that guilt feeling like I should be a better example of a Christian before I say anything.
annnd, I especially hate it when I judge people's Christianity.
I HATEHATEHATE it when I do that.
I feel like a friggin' hypocrite.
I feel as if I'm better than them, but really, I'm worse.
They can spread the word of the Lord without shame or guilt.
I can't.
Whenever I try, I feel like I shouldn't.
I don't DARE mention this to anyone from my church,
cause' I know what will happen if I do,
they'll take me off the worship team,
annd I'll hate that,
cauuse' I like worshipping the Lord,
annd especially leading others too, as well.
BUUUT, I don't feel like it's my job too,
it feels like I'm the one that's suppose to be led.
I hate myself, for this.



well, I think I like a guy right now. -_-" too bad he asked out my friend and she said yes. annd I think I still like the same guy as I did at the beginning of the summer, yuup.

I want to run off and meet up with some nice strangers
and do estacy, or acid, or LSD.
:)

annd then come back here, and act as if nothign had happened.

maybe sometimes i don't want quiet time to reflect on stuff.
maybe I just want to get it over with
and move on
maybe I dont' need to dwell on anything
maybe I should stop trying to open up to people
maybe I should stop caring so damn much.
maybe I need to change.
maybe I need to give up
maybe I need to admit I can't win
maybe I'm just a failure.
maybe I can't do everything.

Sometimes, I just wish my parents had a bit more trust in me, especially my dad. I wish that he didn't watch my every move, or lecture me about stuff that I had already known, or is common sense.

I wish everything wasn't adjusted to his likings. I wish I had a bit more freedom, though, I know, I'm pretty spoiled as it is, and they're pretty laid back. But I don't need his mini car ride lectures.

Or him telling me stuff that I really don't need to know.

Maybe I do miss who I use to be.
Maybe I miss my long hair, and my sassy attitude that went with it.
Maybe I miss my shy, mellow confidence.
Myabe I miss my intelligence
and my knowledge
and my easy motivation for things.

But now, I've lost it all.
I'm a different person , with a new hair cut.
I give up, too easily.
I breakdown with nonsense stuck in my head.
My confidense goes up and down
just like my moood.
I'm never the person they think I am
nobody ever knows.
I'm too critical
Not funny, steals everyone's lines
and make them my own.
I don't want a friend like that, nor should they.

I want a hold on life,
I want a friend who I can depend upon,
who I know wont leave me in a moment.
A friend who would help me,
give me advice, like I would do to them.
I want to take life into my own hands.
I want a future,
I want to know what it holds.
Or at least have an idea of what it'll be like.

I want to be a confident

it feels like I've messed it up
and I need to start new

you know what I realized?

I realized that I always want people to ask me "how's it going?" and stuff. But whenever they try to help, I just always push them away, cause' I feel that they want to intrude into my personal life and know everything about me, and just would laugh about it. Or, I would just say "it's going really good" or something to that effect, but really it's not, but who cares, eh? I think that's just the reflex answer, eh? Most people just give that answer, right off the back of their hands. But it's all good.



I don't know, I feel that they're too clingy, you know?

I always just push, I don't give in.
I don't know, I don't want to flash my personal life at people.
I don't mind helping them.
But, it'd be nice to do something in return for me.
Cause' it feels pretty lonely, you know?

like as if, they want help, but not help out.
it's pretty much a sucky thing.

a lot of the times I wonder if Solitare ever set out a game where you can't win, no matter which option your try.

A game that'll bond for you to lose.

i bloody hate her sometimes.

sometimes I wonder if I will ever be with someone. I wonder if I will lose it the first time just because I'm afraid to lose him. I hope not. But, I don't know. I always see people together, just makes me want to be that girl. I want someone to hold me and let me know that he'll always be there for me. But, I'm just afraid that my appearance isn't good enough for him. I have self-esteem problems. I don't have much of an ego. I'm way too self-conscience about the way I look. I hate it. But I want someone to look over that and just tell me that he likes me. I hate being so alone sometimes. I just .. I don't know. I just wonder if I will always be alone. If I will never find someone, like my aunt. It's crazy, and I'm being silly, I know. But there's no way that I could ever find someone. I'm so picky, and just afraid. I always want to meet up to their standards so most of my time I always change the way I am for him. And that's just stupid of me. I can never be comfortable with a guy, cause' I'm always thinking if he likes me, blah blah blah.. so I'm always trying to impress him by not making a fool of myself, I hate it. It's stupid. Thanks to Katie, I've been thinking like that. Dumb. I just want someone. I just want to see how it feels, just to be held in the arms, and know that someone cares. I want late phone calls with him, long days spent, fights that are silly, just a relationship. I always think that it's because that I don't drink, smoke or do drugs, that, that guy don't like me.. I think that it's because he thinks taht I'm a pansy or something, but I'm not.. it's just because I'm not stupid. Frick. I'm a loser.

golly, I miss Brandy. I havn't seen her in AGES. I've made plans with her a lot but she never ends up sticking to them.

It seems like she doesn't put as much effort into hanging out with me as I do. Gosh, it sounds like we're dating or something. But I don't know. It doesn't really sound like we're that best of friends, eh? I hate that. I hate her for doing that. Drives me insane.

This is how it goes..
I always ask her if she wants to hangout

Me: "Hey, do you want to do something tomorrow or soon?"
Her: " I'm not sure,I have to ask my parents."
*doesn't ask her parents then*
Me: "umm.. okay"
Her: "yeah, so what's up?"
Me: "umm not much.. how about *insert date* "
Her: "Not sure, I have to ask my parents."
*doesn't ask her parents*

and yeah, you see where it goes from there.

yeah -_-"

I can be one of the wisest person you'll meet or the biggest jerk you'll find. I can be the nicest, sweetest, most caring.. or the most vain, annoying, self-indulged idiot. I can be funny and I do serious too. I can be cool, calm and collected or raging like a monkey, screaming and kicking too. I can be quite original, but at the same time I could be the biggest fake. I'm quick to pick out your flaw, don't hate me. I may seem sad , but really I'm happy. I keep secrets, I don't lie, I'm blunty honest.. if I need to be. I'm straight to the core and skip nothing.. if you don't listen to what I have to say, your fault- not mind.. don't tell me what you need to do.. I told you already. I'll give you second chances but ruin that, you'll need to prove yourself to me for the third. I'm open to your opinion and take it in. I'm down-to-earth and I'm a good person, I promise.


treat me like you want to be treated...

FRIGGIN' HYPOCRITE!!!!!!

maybe tomorrow will be better.

friggin' weirdos.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUUCK! times a BILLION.

never again.

I want to help people. I want to relate. I want to solve world problem, hunger.. and all that good stuff. I can't be happy with what I have. I hate myself sometimes.. I let tough problem get in my way, and stump me EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. FRIGGIN' HELL, I try to help you. asdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddfghmjgthre

I find myself pathetic.

I feel so useless sometimes.
I feel like I'm so un-noticed.
I feel like nobody needs me.
I feel like everyone trusts me, yet, no one is willing to tell me anything.
I feel hated.
I feel like I'm annoying.
I have so much self-doubt.
I feel like everyone is running out on me.
I feel like I have no one to turn to.


I can never stop pretending that I'm better than everyone else.
I can never let them know.
I can never not cry.
I can never not have doubt.
I can never accept anything as it is.
I can never trust anyone.
I can never have angst.
I can never not make mistakes.
I can never not look happy.

how did I let this get so far?
how could everything be going this way?
I seeked love in you but you gave nothing.
I seeked trust in you but you gave nothing
I love you, and that's too far, I say.
My heart was given, and that's not for real.
I'm okay, I promise. I smell the sensation
I smell the promise
I smell the air, nothing.
The jolt that was here, gone.
Seeking for the truth
Searching for the love, nothing.
I love you, and that's too far, I say.
My heart was given, and that's not for real.
Making sense is for the clueless.
Speak the truth and leave it be.
blshfrkl;rjet

I don't feel like doing anything anymore.
I guess this is the time of day where I get all pissy and "depressed" and mopy and sick. yuuup.

the world forgetting what the world forgot
eternal sunchines of the spotless mind
alexander pope

frig, I feel so lonely.
I want someone to hold me tight in his arms
I want someone to point to me and say to his friends "that's her"
I want someone to wrap his arms around just for the sake ofi t
I want him to be everything that I wanted
yet, nothing that I want.
I want to feel like I'm liked
I want to know that someone out there actually cares
I want a companion
I don't know.
I'm a loser.
frick.