I can be one of the wisest person you'll meet or the biggest jerk you'll find. I can be the nicest, sweetest, most caring.. or the most vain, annoying, self-indulged idiot. I can be funny and I do serious too. I can be cool, calm and collected or raging like a monkey, screaming and kicking too. I can be quite original, but at the same time I could be the biggest fake. I'm quick to pick out your flaw, don't hate me. I may seem sad , but really I'm happy. I keep secrets, I don't lie, I'm blunty honest.. if I need to be. I'm straight to the core and skip nothing.. if you don't listen to what I have to say, your fault- not mind.. don't tell me what you need to do.. I told you already. I'll give you second chances but ruin that, you'll need to prove yourself to me for the third. I'm open to your opinion and take it in. I'm down-to-earth and I'm a good person, I promise.


treat me like you want to be treated...

FRIGGIN' HYPOCRITE!!!!!!

maybe tomorrow will be better.

friggin' weirdos.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUUCK! times a BILLION.

never again.

I want to help people. I want to relate. I want to solve world problem, hunger.. and all that good stuff. I can't be happy with what I have. I hate myself sometimes.. I let tough problem get in my way, and stump me EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. FRIGGIN' HELL, I try to help you. asdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddfghmjgthre

I find myself pathetic.

I feel so useless sometimes.
I feel like I'm so un-noticed.
I feel like nobody needs me.
I feel like everyone trusts me, yet, no one is willing to tell me anything.
I feel hated.
I feel like I'm annoying.
I have so much self-doubt.
I feel like everyone is running out on me.
I feel like I have no one to turn to.


I can never stop pretending that I'm better than everyone else.
I can never let them know.
I can never not cry.
I can never not have doubt.
I can never accept anything as it is.
I can never trust anyone.
I can never have angst.
I can never not make mistakes.
I can never not look happy.

how did I let this get so far?
how could everything be going this way?
I seeked love in you but you gave nothing.
I seeked trust in you but you gave nothing
I love you, and that's too far, I say.
My heart was given, and that's not for real.
I'm okay, I promise. I smell the sensation
I smell the promise
I smell the air, nothing.
The jolt that was here, gone.
Seeking for the truth
Searching for the love, nothing.
I love you, and that's too far, I say.
My heart was given, and that's not for real.
Making sense is for the clueless.
Speak the truth and leave it be.
blshfrkl;rjet

I don't feel like doing anything anymore.
I guess this is the time of day where I get all pissy and "depressed" and mopy and sick. yuuup.

the world forgetting what the world forgot
eternal sunchines of the spotless mind
alexander pope

frig, I feel so lonely.
I want someone to hold me tight in his arms
I want someone to point to me and say to his friends "that's her"
I want someone to wrap his arms around just for the sake ofi t
I want him to be everything that I wanted
yet, nothing that I want.
I want to feel like I'm liked
I want to know that someone out there actually cares
I want a companion
I don't know.
I'm a loser.
frick.

I think I'm bi-polar.

or a manic depressant.

every time I look into the mirror
I'm reminded of how lonely I am

I woke up in a trance
Leaving all my silly feelings behind
Climbing walls that I've never imagined
Words were flowing out without any train of thought

He then appeared, he had a familiar vibe
It felt like my tongue split in two and tied itself together
I could not speak
I felt choked

He grabbed my hand
and we began our journey
He lead me up a mountian
I took a look, it seemed so death-defying
and he could sense my distress signal

Don't say a word..
But I was abashed
and he saw it
He told me that I could go on
that I could do it

I didn't want to seem like a boob
So I grabbed his hand
And walked ahead
He smiled and came with

Onwards we went
Each stride we took
Longer his went, shorter was mine
He saw that I was struggling
"You can do it", he turned to me and said.

I don't know if it was because I was out of breath
or because I was stunned
but I was drawn to him
and could not breathe

I stumbled and tripped over myself
He had a smirk on his face
I got offended and turned away with a tear slithering down my cheek
He lent out his hand and swept me off my feet.

We were floating higher than the clouds
Beyond everything imaginable
This was passion at it highest point
There was no drug to feel this high.

I was hallucinating or something
Cause' I felt my heart skip a beat or three
I had thought that he turned to look at me
and I was right

"Halfway there", he said with a sly voice.
I was then red-faced.
This bliss was unexplainable..
It was something he created

I woke up in a sudden
knowing that I'd never see him again,
knowing that I didn't have to wake up
I tossed and turned, and tried to make it all happen again
Failure.

"go on with your day", I can imagine him saying...

I realized he was the missing boy in the picture.









My foundation is like crenaline
There just to hold everything together, underneath.

I feel like I'm blocking something out from me. I feel as if I need to let something out, but I'm keeping it in instead. I feel inclined to be sad; to be angry.

I don't want to be angry.
blah.

I want to sketch you a picture
that's breath taking
that's out of this world
that's so outrageous you can't bare to look at
something that's a beauty to the soul
mysterious to the eyes
trecherous to stand
something that screams "OUT BREAK"
something that strums a sorrow in your heart
something that'll relate to you
yet make you repelled by it.
I don't want to sketch it for you anymore
But paint a picture in your head.

hahahha
I've lost it.
I need to be around people more
hahahha.

I'm reading "Go Ask Alice" again.
I totally love that book.

After reading the book, today
I really want to try Cid.
but I don't think I want ANYONE to know.
not even my closest friends.
I want to just talk to sone random guy
on Nexopia or something.
Cause' there's so many of them druggies there.
but, I wouldn't dare to tell anyone.
I rather them think that I'm some straightedge loser.
Then a druggie or something.
I have so much more respect for keeping myself clean.
Cause' it's hard to do.
Though, I don't want to Cid...
cause' I know I'll get addicted to easily...
I lack self-control sometimes.
Plus, I like wanting what I can't have..
or wanting something..
I hate always getting everything I want..
Though, I think the trip would be great.
I'd be such a hypocrite.
Even thinking about trying it
Makes me a hypocrite.
I don't want to do pot, though.
I think it'd be gross
I don't know..
But all I know is
That I love this
Book.

Today when I was waiting for the bus.. I kept saying my name in my head "Jessica, JESSica, JessICA, JessEEca, etc. etc." Then when the bus came.. it kind of hit me.. like an epiphany or something and I was like "Wow, I really like my name..".. Then on the bus I was like "Wow, Jessica is such a hippie name" "doesn't Jessica juts make you think of blonde hair chicks" "Wow, I'm totally not a Jessica"..
I'm deprived. hahaha.

we need to get our minds
off of those stereotypical
nonsense
and into reality
where we can't afford fancy cars
with tv's
and dvd players in the head rest
that's just a car accident right there.

I just wished that
someone would show me that they cared.
just show a bit of love.
nobody ever helps me solve my problems.
nobody even bothers to ask me what's up.
I hate telling people this
cause' I don't want them to act any different
just because I told them something silly.
I think I care too much.