you know what I realized?

I realized that I always want people to ask me "how's it going?" and stuff. But whenever they try to help, I just always push them away, cause' I feel that they want to intrude into my personal life and know everything about me, and just would laugh about it. Or, I would just say "it's going really good" or something to that effect, but really it's not, but who cares, eh? I think that's just the reflex answer, eh? Most people just give that answer, right off the back of their hands. But it's all good.



I don't know, I feel that they're too clingy, you know?

I always just push, I don't give in.
I don't know, I don't want to flash my personal life at people.
I don't mind helping them.
But, it'd be nice to do something in return for me.
Cause' it feels pretty lonely, you know?

like as if, they want help, but not help out.
it's pretty much a sucky thing.

a lot of the times I wonder if Solitare ever set out a game where you can't win, no matter which option your try.

A game that'll bond for you to lose.

i bloody hate her sometimes.

sometimes I wonder if I will ever be with someone. I wonder if I will lose it the first time just because I'm afraid to lose him. I hope not. But, I don't know. I always see people together, just makes me want to be that girl. I want someone to hold me and let me know that he'll always be there for me. But, I'm just afraid that my appearance isn't good enough for him. I have self-esteem problems. I don't have much of an ego. I'm way too self-conscience about the way I look. I hate it. But I want someone to look over that and just tell me that he likes me. I hate being so alone sometimes. I just .. I don't know. I just wonder if I will always be alone. If I will never find someone, like my aunt. It's crazy, and I'm being silly, I know. But there's no way that I could ever find someone. I'm so picky, and just afraid. I always want to meet up to their standards so most of my time I always change the way I am for him. And that's just stupid of me. I can never be comfortable with a guy, cause' I'm always thinking if he likes me, blah blah blah.. so I'm always trying to impress him by not making a fool of myself, I hate it. It's stupid. Thanks to Katie, I've been thinking like that. Dumb. I just want someone. I just want to see how it feels, just to be held in the arms, and know that someone cares. I want late phone calls with him, long days spent, fights that are silly, just a relationship. I always think that it's because that I don't drink, smoke or do drugs, that, that guy don't like me.. I think that it's because he thinks taht I'm a pansy or something, but I'm not.. it's just because I'm not stupid. Frick. I'm a loser.

golly, I miss Brandy. I havn't seen her in AGES. I've made plans with her a lot but she never ends up sticking to them.

It seems like she doesn't put as much effort into hanging out with me as I do. Gosh, it sounds like we're dating or something. But I don't know. It doesn't really sound like we're that best of friends, eh? I hate that. I hate her for doing that. Drives me insane.

This is how it goes..
I always ask her if she wants to hangout

Me: "Hey, do you want to do something tomorrow or soon?"
Her: " I'm not sure,I have to ask my parents."
*doesn't ask her parents then*
Me: "umm.. okay"
Her: "yeah, so what's up?"
Me: "umm not much.. how about *insert date* "
Her: "Not sure, I have to ask my parents."
*doesn't ask her parents*

and yeah, you see where it goes from there.

yeah -_-"