I need to eat less.

ummmm, I don't know what ot think of my dad
my feelings for him change SO BLOODY MUCH you have no idea
He can be a pretty cool guy, I think
annnnnnnnnd he can be the most ignorant, stubborn, closeminded guy in the WOOOOORLD.
I guess, that's where I get it from.
I hate how my mom just sits there and says nothing, she does not stand up for me
but him, I hate that.
FREAAKKKING
I can't believe he even said for me to not hang out with him as much,
because "he's not a good person"
WHATTTTTTTT A FRICKKKKKIN HYPOCRITE
he's a not a good person, either
annd I'm suppose to "love" him.
SCREW THAT.
even putting love and him in the same sentence makes it awkward for me to type
I can't love him, ever.
he's just a parental figure, not a parent, at all.





















































































sucks.

okay, well.. I'm lame..
everytime I start, I just can't stop.
I just blab away everything, and anything.
-_-"

feels like my expectation for people are waay too high.

cody is da bomb.
ahahhaha.
BFFF.
werrrd.

Freaking hell,
I'm not even one bit effected by that Mercade's story, not the least bit.
It's like, okay she's died from drugs, so?
It was like a one minute thing, you know?

I finally told someone about my problems with Christanity.
I told Joce. I'm glad I did,
but at the same time, I regret it.
I'm not sure where I am, in Christ.
I feel so motivated to grow as a Christian,
but at the same time, I don't want to go anywhere, at all.
I feel like I want to shout to the world that I'm a Christian
buut I wouldn't know how to answer people
if they ask me, Why are you a Christian, well, I do..
but I feel awkward saying it, you know?
like I get that guilt feeling like I should be a better example of a Christian before I say anything.
annnd, I especially hate it when I judge people's Christianity.
I HATEHATEHATE it when I do that.
I feel like a friggin' hypocrite.
I feel as if I'm better than them, but really, I'm worse.
They can spread the word of the Lord without shame or guilt.
I can't.
Whenever I try, I feel like I shouldn't.
I don't DARE mention this to anyone from my church,
cause' I know what will happen if I do,
they'll take me off the worship team,
annd I'll hate that,
cauuse' I like worshipping the Lord,
annd especially leading others too, as well.
BUUUT, I don't feel like it's my job too,
it feels like I'm the one that's suppose to be led.
I hate myself, for this.



well, I think I like a guy right now. -_-" too bad he asked out my friend and she said yes. annd I think I still like the same guy as I did at the beginning of the summer, yuup.

I want to run off and meet up with some nice strangers
and do estacy, or acid, or LSD.
:)

annd then come back here, and act as if nothign had happened.

maybe sometimes i don't want quiet time to reflect on stuff.
maybe I just want to get it over with
and move on
maybe I dont' need to dwell on anything
maybe I should stop trying to open up to people
maybe I should stop caring so damn much.
maybe I need to change.
maybe I need to give up
maybe I need to admit I can't win
maybe I'm just a failure.
maybe I can't do everything.

Sometimes, I just wish my parents had a bit more trust in me, especially my dad. I wish that he didn't watch my every move, or lecture me about stuff that I had already known, or is common sense.

I wish everything wasn't adjusted to his likings. I wish I had a bit more freedom, though, I know, I'm pretty spoiled as it is, and they're pretty laid back. But I don't need his mini car ride lectures.

Or him telling me stuff that I really don't need to know.

Maybe I do miss who I use to be.
Maybe I miss my long hair, and my sassy attitude that went with it.
Maybe I miss my shy, mellow confidence.
Myabe I miss my intelligence
and my knowledge
and my easy motivation for things.

But now, I've lost it all.
I'm a different person , with a new hair cut.
I give up, too easily.
I breakdown with nonsense stuck in my head.
My confidense goes up and down
just like my moood.
I'm never the person they think I am
nobody ever knows.
I'm too critical
Not funny, steals everyone's lines
and make them my own.
I don't want a friend like that, nor should they.

I want a hold on life,
I want a friend who I can depend upon,
who I know wont leave me in a moment.
A friend who would help me,
give me advice, like I would do to them.
I want to take life into my own hands.
I want a future,
I want to know what it holds.
Or at least have an idea of what it'll be like.

I want to be a confident

it feels like I've messed it up
and I need to start new