I spent the whole weekend with Daniel and Joce. I am so glad that we're all getting so close, it's so cuuute!
Joce and I helped Daniel buy some new clothes, cause' he was getting sick of wearing hand-me-downs all the time.
HE LOOKS SO CUTE IN HIS NEW CLOTHESS!!!!!
Makes me want to hug him all day.
it really suits him.

On sunday, Joce and I, went to Daniel's house, the intention of the whole thing was to play stick ball, but that didn't happen because of the weather. So, we played Trivial Pursuit (BEST GAME EVER) instead. Near the end, we talked about how I'm going to get my liscense (most likely) before them. So, we decided to go on a road trip during the summer before graduation up to the Yukon, IT'LL BE SO TIGHT, I'm alreayd excited for it!, Except we said taht we'll invite another guy with us, to even out the testosterone.

But then, afterwards, we talked about where we're going after graduation, and we're all going to split up. I thit me that were most likely not going to see each other after graduation. And it just really sucks thinking that, I almost started to cry, cause it's so depressing. I love these two, they make me so happy when I'm with them, both. I always laugh, almost, until I pee myself.

GAH, Joe is a cutie, he always apologizes when he cancel out on me.

I've been telling a lot of guys that they're cute lately, I kind of like it, cause' I'm more open that wya,
ahah.


Gah, I hate overly protective friends. Friends that gets really jealous of their friend's being friends wiht other people.
STUPPPPPPPID.

I wish I lived a happier life,
or a life where I was sure of everything.
Or a life where I took risks
I feel so "safe"

I feel like I should do a drug or something.
But not pot, cause' that's silly.
I don't know.
GAH.
I HATE MYSELF,
emo, or what?
BUT WHO CARES?!?!?
WHO BLOODY CARES?!
the world has corrupted us with such thoughts like that,
anyone who hates themselves are considered EMO and bloody attention seekers
JUST BECAUSE THAT PERSON GOT YOUR ATTENTION
doesn't mean that they're an attention seeker, loser.
People who just hate and not care, just needs someone who they can put down.
People need to get a life, and stop hating.
FRICK.
I need to love, and be loved.
I love hugging guys.
Especially Cody, and Daniel,
they're such cuties.
I'm not pessimistic, I just disagree with you.

I LOVE GUYS, hahahah.

I don't know, I want a boyfriend. I need that kind of attention right now,
I feel so damn lonely.
I feel as if I'm missing out from something.
I feel like I'm not pretty or attractive enough to be someone's girlfriend.
I hate it.
I need love.
I really do.
I hate seeing people who I'm close with have a closer relationship with someone else, and they say that they have a close relationship with me.
FRICK, I don't know freaking know.


I don't eeven know what my thoughts are on Christianity. It's somehting I, somewhat, believe in.

I wish sometimes I could just come right out and say everything, but really I can't
I can't trust the internet, but at the same time, I do, I really do.
I need to be PERFECT, in order to live a happy life, I NEED to stop contradicitng myself,
and be a hypocrite.
I need to be right
and feel superior.
I NEED to show off and be acknowledged for my perfections.
I don't need stress or high anxiety.

I just want to take time off from school and be happy and live life wihtout people knowing who I am.

I wish I was someone who nobody was friends with, but people really want to be friends with me.
I'd love that, cause' I'd love knowing that they're not my friends, cause' they can't, but really they want to be my friends, you know?!

I NEED TO SCREAM
and be one with karma.

I need to stop acting so bloody selfish, and be listened to.

I need to fix my imperfections to make them adequate.
I need to stop being embarassed about stupid things.

I wish my body was perfect.

I wish I was perfect, I wish everyone liked me,
I wish someone liked me more than a friend.

I WISH I COULD BE MORE CONFIDENT.

I want to drop out of my band... err bands, cause' I hate knowing that they're actually serious about it. Cause' I freak out and think that I'm not serious enough, which is true cause' I suck.

I feel like crying 24/7 but I don't, cause' I'm not that retarded.
I need to see a pychologist, and can't explain it to my parents that I do.

I wish I lived in China,
I wish something drastic happens to me,
and I'll get noticed.


I wish I got more noticed,
I wish I wasn't such a whore.
I wish my imperfection wasn't so noticable.
I wish I was skinnier.


I WISH I WAS SOMEONE ELSE, like Joce.

I wish I was prettier. I wish I was hotter, I wish I was perfect.







I NEED TO BE PERFECT TO BE HAPPY.
I NEED TO BE AWARE OF EVERYTHING
BLOOOOOODY HELL.
:(



JOCE AND I HELPED DANIEL PICK OUT CLOTHING TODAY!!

I wish I had some sort of assurance that marc or joe wouldn't make things awkward if I told them my feelings.

umm, Devon makes me so mad. She's so overprotective, she's manipulative, she's controlling and she needs to accept the fact that Joce has other friends than her. She's needs to stop making Joce feel guilty, and Joce needs to stand up for herself.

ummmmmm I NEED TV TO NOT SUCK AND BE BETTTTER

I THINK I SHOULD BECOME AN ACTRESS SO I CAN STAND UP FOR MYSELF
AND MAKE TV CHANGE, THEY MAKE ME SOOOOOOOOO BLOODY MAD.


I make myself so bloody mad.

Guess what I also want? a boyfriend.
I feel so bloody lonely sometimes, I just wish I had some experience, you know?
I feel as if I need someone to be my confidant,
I just don't feel like I can trust anyone, I need some moral support,
or just support of any kind.
I need love, to put it bluntly.
I need to write a ballad about love and stuff,
and I feel so fake writing about it, cause' I've never experienced anything more than just a crush.
frickin' nuts.
I need to defeat guilt trips and stubborness
I need anger management of some sort.
I need someone who I can just go to and confide in,
I can't confide in my frineds,
for the risk of them telling other people
or for the risk of them thinking htat i"m a loser
that I"m stupid or something
and I don't want that
I need someone who will listen
and not think any less of me
maybe, that's why I trust people when I first meet them,
because they can't lose any respect for me, you know?
maybe that's why I have comittment problems?!
I DON'T KNOW
I NEED HELP
and why can't anyone tell me that.
I NEEEEED HONESTY,
I need blunt honesty,
and not just from my parents
I need to argue, and what not.

I need to let loose, and let everything out.
I CAN"T HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER.
:(
I need hellppppp,
I need a best friend.





My goal is to lose at least 10 pounds by the end of this school year.
Cause' I'm a fatty.

I feel like a fatty, cause' I totally gave in to the eating and ate a bunch.
AND I'M FAT
AND NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT
IT'S NOT BECAUSE I HAVE PROBLEMS WITH SELF IMAGE
IT'S BECAUSE I REALLY AM FAT,
185lbs is fat.

though, I tell people I'm 160lbs.
I think people don't believe, but makes me think that they believe it.

I'M A FATTTTY,
I NEED TO EAT A BUNCH LESS
I need to go on runs
and like be more motivated to lose more weight.
I am quite proud of myself
cause' like 3 months ago my highest weight was 193lbs, and my average was 188lbs
and now my average is 182-183lbs, highest is 185.5lbs.
BUT STILL I'M A FATTTTTTTY,
I need exercise.
FRICK.

9:33pm

aww, I miss Speed.

I feel like my confidence went away with my hair.
I'm so glad that I'm growing it out again.

Gah, I hope tomorrow will turn out okay,
I really don't want anything to screw up,
I want it to be like last time,
except without Kas and Cody stuck to each other,
which wont happen.
I don' tknow..
I just want it to work out
I really wish that Devon didn't tell maery about it
cause' honestly, I don't really like Maery.
-_-"

and also, I don't exactly want Stacy to be here either.
cause' him and I barely even talk,
and I actually thinks he really dislikes me.

but other than maery and stacy,
I don't want Kas bringing her new boyfriend,
honestly, I don't want her here either.

I'm fine with everyone else.
cause' I know they will make everything fun just like last time.
soo, I'm EXCITED FOR THAT.
:D
gahh, I'll just try to enjoy myself,
but I don't want to get blamed for anything.

I wish there was something that I could take to make everything alright
make all my trouble go away.
I want to argue liket ehre's no tomorrow.
I love it,
I love the rush
I love people who I can have a good argue with,
I don't want argues like YOUR STUPID, I'mnot listening, blahblahbl
SHUT UP.
gah.
I think I'll be a good leader someday.
But at the same time I don't htink I would make a good leader at all. haha.
heh.
I want to go out and buy everything.

I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE OKAY.
I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE JUST THE WAY IT USE TO BE
I WANT BRANDY TO CARE
I WANT MY LIFE BACK
I WANT PEOPLE TO LIKE ME
I WANT MY FRIENDS WOULD CARE MORE
SCREW THEM
WHY AM I SUCH A FRIGGIN' LITTLE BRAT??!?!?!
WHY DO I WANT EVERYTHING MY WAY?!
WHY DOES EVERYTHIGN HAVE TO BE MY WAY?!?!
:(

umm yeah.

I feel like I'm fat in every way possible.
and I hate it.
I feel as if guys don't like me as much because I have somewhat short hair.

screw Joe and my feelings for him.
:( (U)
ILH so much.

I just want to go around and help everyone and just give them the time of day. I want them to trust me, I want them to tell me things they don't tell other people, I want people to know that I care, and I'm here to help them, and that I give advices to my best knowledge. I want people to know that I'm always here for them, and that I wouldn't leave them for anything.

I'm in like a desperate need for someone to listen to me.
I hate asking people to listen to me.
I just need to get into a conversation with them,
but I don't want to talk to people like Joce or Brandy or Phoebe.. etc,
cauuse' I just can't.
It's not that I don't trust them,
but I just can't.
I want someone like Sam, or Ian, or Ryan or something of that authoritive figure to listen to me.
I can't ask Joce to listen to me, cause' I feel as if I'm just bringing her down
or like annoying her, cause' I get really annoyed with myself when I talk to her about my problems,
I'm just like "SHUT UP JESSICA, you've already told her that you ATTENTION WHORE!"
I can't tell Brandy anything cause' it feels as if she doesn't understand or she doesn't like heraing it or that she doesn't care, or something, cause' I"ve tried talking to her about a lot of stuff, but it just feels like she just changes the subject and just avoid it, and it really sucks taht she does that too, cause' she's my best friend. :(
I can't tell Phoebe stuff, cause' I feel that she's too judgemental, or that I'm intimidated or something, I don't know.. I just can't.
I can't tell Cody, cause' I don't think he cares, I know he does, buut I don't know. I just can't have a something or other, I dont' know.. I just can't.
But no one at my church seems to care, at all... annd I don't want to tlak to them about my problems there, maybe I do, I don't know..
I just wish someone would just ask me how I was,
annd that I could just tell them,
be open or something,
I feel so secluded from a lot of people,
because I can't open up to them.
I use to have this bond with Marcus, but he's been acting weird,
and doesn't seem like he cares at all, so whatever.
I feel like the only thing that I could ever depend on to listen to me is this online journal,
annd i hate that, cauuse' I feel like this online journal knows me more
than any of my friends,
cauuse' I can't open up to them.
You're the one that I've told everything too.
No one knows most of the stuff that goes on in my head.
I'm still hiding out some stuff that I've never ever put into words or on paper.
It sucks that I can tell an online journal anything,
but can't even talk to my best friend about my latest problem without thinking that she doesn't care.

stupid.
:( :(
I just need someone who I can depend on to listen to me,
I miss Mo so much for that.
But now, I feel as if he's just distracted with ingrid,
and that he doesn't have time for me when he comes online,
annd there's no way I can trust talking to him over e-mails,
cause' I know Ingrid is going ot be there,
heck, I can't even tell him stuff over MSN, now,
cause' I know Ingrid is going to be there,
so lame. :(
I miss the old days, where Mo didn't have Ingrid, nor did he go to Bible college,
I miss telling him my problems, and having him there to give me advice,
I can't go to anyone, ever, cause' they don't help me at all.
they just go "awww.." "that sucks" ":(" .. annd I'm like "GO TO HELL, I need advice, not pity."
Or they've even changed subjects on me, annd I'm like "THANKS A LOT FOR NOTHING LOSER!"
liiike what's the deal?!
I miss days where I didn't have any worries,
I miss days that i didn't feel lonely
I miss days where I didn't have to bottle up things
I miss days where I didn't have so many fears
I miss days that I know I had friends taht cared for me
I miss days where I know friends will ask me to hang out with them
I miss days where I went on and on about something
I miss days where I was fun to be around
I miss days where I was funny
I miss days in elementary.
I miss Brandy,
I miss Mo,
I miss happiness
I miss being listened too,
I miss not worrying about stupid things liek this
I miss not crying over stupid things
I miss having normal human emotions
I miss not being awkward around guys
I miss having fun with a group of people and not feel left out
I miss days where I was wanted in a group of friends
I miss days where I use to be athletic
I miss days where I use to be "healthy"
I MISS EVERYTHING,
I miss my old life,
I HATE DEPRESSION
annd what it has done to me.
I hate being so bloody sad all the time, over NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING.
I hate being the "boring" one in the group
I hate being such a fat loser that I am,
I hate bottling things up,
I HATE people.
I hate people who wont listen to me, and end up happening things to them cause' they didn't listen.
I hate people who are ignorant
I hate people who are like me.
I hate people hating me cause' I'm boring
I hate being the quiet one
I hate the way I act
I hate the way I am
I hate the person taht I am
I hate me.
I hate me the most
I hate faking things
I hate a lot of things
I hate mo for leaving
I hate my dad and his closemindedness
I hate my mom cause' she's ignorant
I hate my brother cause' he's so angry
I hate my ANGER,
I hate that no one listens,
I hate people who give up on other people cause' they're depressed WAY TO BE A FRIEND, you friggin' loser.
I hate people who ditches other people
I hate friends.
I hate school,
I hate groups of people
I hate social contact.
I hate society,
I LOVE ARGUEMENTS AND COMPLAING ABOUT STUFF
I LOVE HONESTY, blunt or just a bit soften "the blow"
I LOVE ANGER
I LOVE RELIEF
I LOVE ADVICES
I LOVE GIVING ADVICES
I LOVE BEING TOLD THAT I'M A GOOD PERSON
I LOVE ESPRESSING MYSELF
I LOVE GETTING THINGS OFF MY CHEST
I LOVE CRYING
I LOVE BEING ALONE
I LOVE BEING QUIET
I LOVE SADNESS
I LOVE DEPRESSION
I LOVE WRITING DOWN EMOTIONS
I LOVE BEING AGRESSIVE
I LOVE BEING INTIMIDATING
I LOVE WINNING
I LOVE BOASTING
I LOVE BEING PROUD OF SOMETHING
I LOVE BRAGGING
I LOVE PEOPLE WHO CARES,
I LOVE BEING HYSTERICAL,
I LOVE people when they're sad, cause' it shows emotion, and it shows another side of them.
but I just hate stuff.

I just want friends, but I can't depend on them,
I can't bring myself to believe, that they care.
I need to know constantly that they love me as a friend,
I need to know that they care about me.
I'M A STUPID SELFISH WHORE.
annd I hate myself.
:)
suck it.

open up.

I find the need to like, confess all on my secrets that I need to confess.
Exceppt I really don't have any.
I think.
Well, there is a few, but nahh.
hahhahhaaha.

oookay, maaybe I should. hahahha.
:|

not in any particular order...

I think I still like Tom, and John..

I obviously still like Marcus. But talking to him over msn makes me want to vomit. He like, just has this attitude, that one that's like "I don't care, but really I do.." JOOOOCK. annd I find that lame, annd what I use to really like about him before was that he was really sweet and caring and was really open about it, unlike most guys. <3.. buut now, since this "attitude" that like started up during the summer when he went away to camp.. ever since he's "developed" it, we've been drifting apart, annd I kind of hate it. We were so close before, we jsut talked about anything that was on our minds and what not, you know? We had this trust in each other, just something about it was comforting.. annd now, I feel as if I need to think twice to talk about what's on my mind, it amkes me feel like he doesn't care as much. I don't know. He's kind of making me mad. Maybe, I really don't like him as much as I would like too.

I feel like I want to become my own person, annd like be indepedent and stuff you know? I feel like I want to have seperate friends. Like outside of school friends and school friends, and I want to keep them seperate. I don't want any of them mixing, buut some of them are, and I hate it, to be honest. Liike, I just want to know that I have friends that have no idea how I am at school, like, as if my friends at school was going to ditch me one day, I would have another group of friends to turn too.

I always have this feeling that people are annoyed with me, annd I'm pretty sure it's right.

I always feel as if I need to prove myself to people.

I constantly find myself needing to surprise people about me.

I honestly LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE/ADORE heart to heart conversations and one-on-one bonding time.

I, honestly, stopped depending on people, err.. friends. I rather trust some stranger than my actual friend, stupid, eh? But it's true. I just, can't trust my friends, cauuse' they might tell someone else, and I just can't risk that. I have to know that, that someone I trust will NOT tell anyone else.

I'm easily manipulated, annd usually feel guilty saying "no" boldly.

I've always wanted to pee standing up. :)

I want to go skinny dipping.

Do something extreme that I'll regret, but not really.

Loose a ton of weight, like 20 pounds.

I secretly want to become really close with Daniel, Peter, annd maybe Dylan.

I secretly want to be on everyone's good side.

I really want to change the world one day. Well, not exactly THE WORLD, but maybe a part of it. Like their schooling system or something.

I also want to become really rich one day annd buy a ton of stuf with it.

I want to be sure taht I'm going to be financially secured for the rest of my life.

Becoming poor is secretly a fear that I fear the most or close too.

I don't mind being alone, being bored is what I can't handle.

I'm convinced that there's actually something wrong with me.

I'm convinced that I'm really immature annd dont' know how to "play around" without being immature. But, at the same time I'm overly mature for my age, or matured enough?

I'm convinced taht I'm really not funny.

okay, this is definitely not everything, but pretty darn cloose..HAHHA NOT. :)

Faii took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Her need to feel more causative and to have a wide..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

I think I want to go to a different church
after I get it done.
oor maybe, I might stay there
buut I know a lot of respect will be loss
annd everyone will be afraid of me.
friick.
I'm just afraid of what's going to happen, if I do.
:(

I feel like I need to go find myself a new style,
a new kind of beauty
I want to change my hair
buut I want to grow it out,
and at the same time I want to keep it they way it is.

I feel alienated from my church,
annd I don't know what to do.

I feel as if I'm on a different level than they are.
I feel as if I'm just so different from them.
I just don't get their ways.
They all want to be different from everyone,
yet they're ALL the samme.


people are so stupid sometimes.
maaaaaaaaan, losers.

some people need to know that not everyone is going to be there forever.
FRICKK<