I'm in like a desperate need for someone to listen to me.
I hate asking people to listen to me.
I just need to get into a conversation with them,
but I don't want to talk to people like Joce or Brandy or Phoebe.. etc,
cauuse' I just can't.
It's not that I don't trust them,
but I just can't.
I want someone like Sam, or Ian, or Ryan or something of that authoritive figure to listen to me.
I can't ask Joce to listen to me, cause' I feel as if I'm just bringing her down
or like annoying her, cause' I get really annoyed with myself when I talk to her about my problems,
I'm just like "SHUT UP JESSICA, you've already told her that you ATTENTION WHORE!"
I can't tell Brandy anything cause' it feels as if she doesn't understand or she doesn't like heraing it or that she doesn't care, or something, cause' I"ve tried talking to her about a lot of stuff, but it just feels like she just changes the subject and just avoid it, and it really sucks taht she does that too, cause' she's my best friend. :(
I can't tell Phoebe stuff, cause' I feel that she's too judgemental, or that I'm intimidated or something, I don't know.. I just can't.
I can't tell Cody, cause' I don't think he cares, I know he does, buut I don't know. I just can't have a something or other, I dont' know.. I just can't.
But no one at my church seems to care, at all... annd I don't want to tlak to them about my problems there, maybe I do, I don't know..
I just wish someone would just ask me how I was,
annd that I could just tell them,
be open or something,
I feel so secluded from a lot of people,
because I can't open up to them.
I use to have this bond with Marcus, but he's been acting weird,
and doesn't seem like he cares at all, so whatever.
I feel like the only thing that I could ever depend on to listen to me is this online journal,
annd i hate that, cauuse' I feel like this online journal knows me more
than any of my friends,
cauuse' I can't open up to them.
You're the one that I've told everything too.
No one knows most of the stuff that goes on in my head.
I'm still hiding out some stuff that I've never ever put into words or on paper.
It sucks that I can tell an online journal anything,
but can't even talk to my best friend about my latest problem without thinking that she doesn't care.

stupid.
:( :(
I just need someone who I can depend on to listen to me,
I miss Mo so much for that.
But now, I feel as if he's just distracted with ingrid,
and that he doesn't have time for me when he comes online,
annd there's no way I can trust talking to him over e-mails,
cause' I know Ingrid is going ot be there,
heck, I can't even tell him stuff over MSN, now,
cause' I know Ingrid is going to be there,
so lame. :(
I miss the old days, where Mo didn't have Ingrid, nor did he go to Bible college,
I miss telling him my problems, and having him there to give me advice,
I can't go to anyone, ever, cause' they don't help me at all.
they just go "awww.." "that sucks" ":(" .. annd I'm like "GO TO HELL, I need advice, not pity."
Or they've even changed subjects on me, annd I'm like "THANKS A LOT FOR NOTHING LOSER!"
liiike what's the deal?!
I miss days where I didn't have any worries,
I miss days that i didn't feel lonely
I miss days where I didn't have to bottle up things
I miss days where I didn't have so many fears
I miss days that I know I had friends taht cared for me
I miss days where I know friends will ask me to hang out with them
I miss days where I went on and on about something
I miss days where I was fun to be around
I miss days where I was funny
I miss days in elementary.
I miss Brandy,
I miss Mo,
I miss happiness
I miss being listened too,
I miss not worrying about stupid things liek this
I miss not crying over stupid things
I miss having normal human emotions
I miss not being awkward around guys
I miss having fun with a group of people and not feel left out
I miss days where I was wanted in a group of friends
I miss days where I use to be athletic
I miss days where I use to be "healthy"
I MISS EVERYTHING,
I miss my old life,
I HATE DEPRESSION
annd what it has done to me.
I hate being so bloody sad all the time, over NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING.
I hate being the "boring" one in the group
I hate being such a fat loser that I am,
I hate bottling things up,
I HATE people.
I hate people who wont listen to me, and end up happening things to them cause' they didn't listen.
I hate people who are ignorant
I hate people who are like me.
I hate people hating me cause' I'm boring
I hate being the quiet one
I hate the way I act
I hate the way I am
I hate the person taht I am
I hate me.
I hate me the most
I hate faking things
I hate a lot of things
I hate mo for leaving
I hate my dad and his closemindedness
I hate my mom cause' she's ignorant
I hate my brother cause' he's so angry
I hate my ANGER,
I hate that no one listens,
I hate people who give up on other people cause' they're depressed WAY TO BE A FRIEND, you friggin' loser.
I hate people who ditches other people
I hate friends.
I hate school,
I hate groups of people
I hate social contact.
I hate society,
I LOVE ARGUEMENTS AND COMPLAING ABOUT STUFF
I LOVE HONESTY, blunt or just a bit soften "the blow"
I LOVE ANGER
I LOVE RELIEF
I LOVE ADVICES
I LOVE GIVING ADVICES
I LOVE BEING TOLD THAT I'M A GOOD PERSON
I LOVE ESPRESSING MYSELF
I LOVE GETTING THINGS OFF MY CHEST
I LOVE CRYING
I LOVE BEING ALONE
I LOVE BEING QUIET
I LOVE SADNESS
I LOVE DEPRESSION
I LOVE WRITING DOWN EMOTIONS
I LOVE BEING AGRESSIVE
I LOVE BEING INTIMIDATING
I LOVE WINNING
I LOVE BOASTING
I LOVE BEING PROUD OF SOMETHING
I LOVE BRAGGING
I LOVE PEOPLE WHO CARES,
I LOVE BEING HYSTERICAL,
I LOVE people when they're sad, cause' it shows emotion, and it shows another side of them.
but I just hate stuff.

I just want friends, but I can't depend on them,
I can't bring myself to believe, that they care.
I need to know constantly that they love me as a friend,
I need to know that they care about me.
I'M A STUPID SELFISH WHORE.
annd I hate myself.
:)
suck it.