today was the last day that I lead worship. -_-"
I don't what I feel, or what I want myself to feel.
I feel like I've let down Richard, Jordan, and Momo.
I feel like they're going to fall apart without me, even though I know they won't
Cause' they are great people and they don't need to depend on me, cause' they've made it wihtout me before.
I feel like I should have known them before, cause' there was a lot of awkwardness and a lot of distance between me and everyone else.
I feel like I've dropped church entirely and that I'm not going to see Richard anymore, like how I don't see Gwyn anymore. But I know it's not true, I know I'll see Richard still during Sunday School, but I don't know for how much longer cause' Richard is probably going to go away for school, and I'm really considering dropping church in general, cause' I'm just not feeling it anymore.
I feel like I have nothing now.
Idk.
I just wish there was something else. I wish I knew them, or at least Richard.
He said that I have a special gift, I have talent. He said that I have a strong voice, even though Tracy sings on key he'll still think of me first. He says that I'm always welcome to go back on the worship team whenever I want.
but why do I feel so much guilt? WHY?
It's cause' I know they wont let me back on the worship team if I get my monroe.
I feel like I need to set myself back down to church standards by giving up something I love for something I'm going to get.
In other words, dye my hair back to black (or an auburn-ish color) just so I can get my monroe piercing, jsut so that I don't draw so much attention to myself. it's just not the attention that I want. Well, not from a bunch of old Asian people.
Cuas'e they talk and they talk really bad, they talk mean. And it hurts knowing that they're so two-faced like that. I know they talk about me, they probably say that I"m not good.
They probably question my faith for God, and honestly I question it too. I guess if I dont believe it, they don't either.
I can't play pretend and expect to win, I gues is what I'm trying to say.
I just feel like I need to impress everyone, and not let my parents donw.
I feel like everything I do it's all ending up with my parents and them getting blamed for my actions, and it's not fair. Cause' I hate it.
It's my actions they should say it's my fault.
But I guess that's what people do, right?
They make assumptions, and they give themselves their own conclusions to stories.
But I hate doing that, changing myself just so I can make my parents look good,
just so I can pretend to be that girl that I'm not.
I'm fat, I shower like once a week, or once every 3 or four days. I dye my hair as if I'm a walking gay parade. I want a monroe piercing to show my individuality; to show my unique-ness.
But I don't want to have to compromise for something I love, for something I believe in.
I want to be able to do both wihtout guilt, without fear of condemption. Wihtout people talking about my family and I behind our backs. I don't want them talking about me to my parents about me behind my back, cuas' that's all I hear when I ask fro a monroe piercing, my parents tell me how much people think of my hair.
I FUCKING HATE THAT. jsut shooot yourself for me please.
shit, WHY do I feel like it's all my fault?
When nothing has happened, and nothing bad is going to happen.
I feel like as if I was running a relay and just stopped right before I got to the other person.
Like I just let down the whole team.
I don't know if this is God talking to me,
or jsut my guilty conscience for something I didn't do wrong, or at least I don't think I did.


I think I'm just going to talk to Richard or someone.
I need someone. -_-"
Fuck, I'm a loser.


I didn't get my monroe pierced, the place wasn't open.
happy father's day.