and you know what's the funny part

wehn I quit,
nigel was like "I'm sorry to have you leave"

it's been such a shitty past few days.

and it all started on thursday.

Jessie got dumped by his girlfriend becasue he got high. I persoanlly think that he was being really stupid. IF he knew his consequences than he shouldn't have done it. retard.

So let me give you the jist of waht's happening with that kid.

he's been having some serious problems. and he's been turning to drugs and girls to make him a happy kid. and his friedns are starting to turn on him, and is like "if you're not going to get help than we're not going to help you"

cause' they're sick of putting up with him all the time.

and so after thursday, he went and saw a professional something or other and now he's clinically insane. And he has to take anti-depressants, but he doesn't want to, and just want to sell them to people instead. But i'm like "jesse is they're going ot m,ake you better, then you NEED to take them" and he just shrug me off. MoFucker.

and he's just been a silyl boy since, obh yeah he cried at the dance, and I gave him a hug, and he just held on, poor boy. I just odn't know what to do wtih you sometime, jesse.


Second thing:
Jeff, he got hit by dan's dad who was drunk and shit.
Jeff has a broken femor, a lot of bruises, and cuts. And is still in the hospital. But he's getting better, thank god.

and dan's dad called jeff's family and was like "it wasn't my fauit it was dark, but i'm sorry that my life is going to be fucked up" nothing about being sorry about doing it, fucking ass hole. Shit I have no respect of rthat man. I never likes him anyways, I always got a weird vibe from him.

whatever.

Third:
I made the fucking mistake of jokingly saying that it was dan's dad, and turns out it was.
fuckign idiot.-_-"

fourth:
saturday,
I put in my two weeks.
Nigel yelled at me.
So Alysia told me to find all of the mismates on the shelves and just bring them back to the warehouse. And so I was doing taht, and I got like a basket full of the mismates, and I was bring it back to the warehouse, and Nigel was there. And he's like "no, you're not bringing thowse back here, it's ridiculous, just last week we found (FUCKING ASSHOLE IT WAS ME WHO FOUDN MOST OF THE MISMATES) all of the mismates, and I'm not havin all of those mismates back here, so go back out and find them."

me: well alysia told me to find them all and put them back here for her to find

nigel: "well i'm manager, and I don't want them here"

me: "fine"

then he looks and drags cot into this

ngiel :"she thinks she can bring that b asket back in here, why don't you send some people to help her"

scot: I JUST DID

nigel : "scott sent people to help you, so there's no excuse that you shouod'tn be abel to find those mismates:

me: "I DIDN"T KNOW THAT"

sio i got fed up and just walked away.. while they were saying something to me

so I went back and did what the mofducker told met o do. Find the mismates.
then he comes around looks at shoes and says

nigel : "How can you be doing that when shoes looks like this? "

me :" well you told me to do this, so that's what I'm doing ritght now. I was trying to tell you before, but you jsut kept talking about the mismates "

nigel: "well you shouldn't be working on te mismates, when shoes looks like this "

me: "wel you TOLD me to do this, and what's what I'm doing right now."

nigel: "you can't find the mismates, when shoes looks like this"

me: "you told me to do this, and that's what I'm doibng"

nigel: "well clean the shelves first and then dealw tih the mismates"

so I just wlaked away again, and try to clean up the shelves.

kristina said somethign to me, and i just started to cry becasue of all the stress that I've been dealing wtih lately.

and everyone saw tha I crying.. it wa embarassing.

So when Iw as leaving nigel didn't say shit to me. fucking asshole.

he always pulls stunts like that. He's ALWAYS picking on me for no reaons, And I work so much harder than alysia and Sandy, and I dont' know why he's always nice ot them. He always says shit like "shoes looks disasterous right now, go and clean them. "

FUCK YOU. why don't you try finding some mismates? It's not like you do anything, anyways.

I hate it when they shit like "well I'm manager, and you do as I say"


FUCK YOU, I'm a person as well.

do something fuckign work.













well.. I think that's all of the bad shit that's been happeing to me altely.



some good stuf.

-robbie hugged me
-serge pulled me away fromt eh dance, adn showed me his eyes (he had red contacts in
-i got a new job at waveside
-i gave in my two weeks.
-i went to ariels party, and drank a bit.
-met new people
-

fuckign shitty day today


jon's brother, jeff... got hit by a 60 year old drunk driver
dan's dad was the 60 year old drunk driver
dan is so devastated
I wish I could help him in some way, but I can't. He wont let me.

I feel so stupid right now, I said some stupid shit becasue i dind't know it washis dad. I was just jokingly saying that it was his dad, adn he was like "it was my dad"

and i was like"no.. stop it, it's not"

and he just ketp on saying "it was my dad"

then he started to tear up,
and I grabbed him adn was like "woah.. are you okay"

and he said "it was my dad"

and my heart just stopped..and I went blank.
I immediately apoloigized.

I was just like "I'm so sorry Dan, I didn't know.."

and I tried to hug him but he just pushed me away, and turned away

and I was jsut like "it's okay.. it's going to be oaky.."

and I just stopped talkikng..

it was so stupid..
I should have clued in.

I ahte seeing my guy friend sso upset to teh point where they tear up..

I really hoipe he's okay.

I want him to be okay.
I want him to tell me he's not.

i want to help him..


JOn is oretty pissed off about the whole thing. I don't blame him. he's in the hostpital right now visitng jeff.



also, todya I was supposet ot ogo to a funeral. It's my dad's cousin's brother. So I didn't really knowhim.. actually I don't know him at all. But I can't stand funerals. They impact me for the next fews days also.


I jsut want shit like this to stop happening.

I want the world to be content.

no violence.

no hate crime
no drunken accidents
no nothiung.


fuck i'm sick of hearing about this kind of dumb shit.


I jsut came home, smoked a bit.
andjust sat on the kitchen counter,
and just think.


it just sucks like a motherfucker.


it's kind of ironic though cause just last week we had the MADD presentation.




fucking hell.
it's going to be all over the news,
and in the newspaper, and they are going tomakefuckignshit up and make dan's dad sound bad.

I hope his fmily is okay.

I really od.


I was suppose to smoke some pot with joce anddevon tonight but weston doesnt' have the weed.

it's lame.







today fucking sucks.


I just want it toend. right now,right here.

OH MY GOD,
robby piercy touched me. *dies* hahahaha.
and richard copped a nice feel hahahah, by accident of course.
I was going in for a hug, and his watch got caught on my dress and bra, and when he tried to yank it off he yanked down my bra with it, and got a nice feel, hahaha.
I really hoped that I impressed pual jung tonight. I just feel that he some how hates me, hahah.


oh yeah, I definitely think that nick fletched hates me too.


hey, all my teachers this semesters are male. except for ms howe.
aahah.

ye yeah.


oh yeah, I always feel like I need to impress NJ all the time too. Male teachers always seem so much cooler than female teachers and I always feel the need to impress the male teachers more so than the female teachers. It's probably becasue I long for male attention, only when they don't give me the attention that I want.

I have a problem with getting close to people. Just when they start to get clingy I step back. I step back like a mo fucker. And just push people away.

I love boys, yet I hate them at the same time, haha.

I'm so glad that Robby Piercy is getting comfortable around me now. It's cute. He's so embarassed by Melissa and I. Cause' we're so obnoxious during band class. But he's obviuosly the best boy alive right now.



Winners called me three or so times tonight all within the hour between 9pm and 10pm. I was at the halloween school dance so I couldn't have picked-up.
I'm getting really anxious as to what they wanted to talk to me about.

Paul Kovach was in the store yesturday, and he questioned me. So scary. I hate being put on the spot like that, it's so lame. And fucking stupid.

werrd

what hapened with LorLai?

wht happened to what's his face.

I don't know if I want to be what I'm beign for halloween
it's lame,
and i don't want to fix my dress thing.
-_-"

and I don't want to make a headress.
fuck that shit.

but I guess I'll have to.

Since they're depending on me to.

it's kind of embarassing
cause' it's politically wrong.

I miss Cody so much whenever I'm talking to him.
or just whenever.
he's my bestfriend, and I wish he knew how impportant he is to me.


shit.




I think I got a new job. YES. putting in my two weeks.
And Michael got a job.
save on foods memorial centre as a dishwasher.

I wish I knew what everyone thinks of me.

I know I"m a two-faced bitch, and I know some people only pretend to like me..
ahem nick fletcher.




I seriuosly think that, that kid hates me a lot.

and I get so scared? of him

screw it.

and nobody ever calls me up and ask me if I want to hang out,
nobody really makes an effort to do anything with me, fuck ti,



whatever it's life.
and my period is coming soon.

I often wonder if I look like anything that I do in my pictures.

I feel like I don't.
But I look like I do.

I'm in CP Art, and I love it so far.

though I'm fucking intimidated by EVERYONE, especially Paul.. and Brandon.

I also want to get into Photography stuff as well.

I've drawn some pretty cool shit so far.

I love the naked girls that I've drawn, especially the one that I jacked from David Choe.

sorry David.

mad props to you!

I get so embarassed at work whenever I walk by the mirrors and take a glimsp at myself. It makes me so depressed, and I always want to cry, and try to avoid standing infront of people, it's so humiliating.

I'm such a monster.

I hate it.

I wish that I would just lose some god damn weight.

I think I want to start weight watchers or something, and lose some of this fat.

so chris and I got into a dicussion today, as usual.

the argument/discussion was "why do so many african american people still believe in Christ, after being so brutally abused by white christian people?"

I say that you can't hate a religion just because of someone's actions. It's unethical. It's like hating gay people just because of someone of the gay oriented hurt you.

And it's all just free-will to believe or not believe.

He already had a bias point-of-view, but as with me.. I try to be as un-biased as possible. Plus, I'm on both fences.. christian and non-christian side.


yeee

so I just drank some soya milk, and it was a lot more gritty tasting than usual, gross? I know.

so long story short.. to make the gritty-ness go away, add milk.

it's been like 10 days since the last time that I've blogged. hahah

it feels like as if it has been more daysm haha.

I've joined CP Art. And I'm doing a painting of Chairman Mao, with his name and other chinese characters in the background.

I've been so stressed lately, and it's not good for my health, it causes placque on my brain, it's pretty lame but whatever. I kind of wish that I hadn't taken psych., cause' it makes me over analyze myself, and most of it is true to me, and it all makes sense. And it's scary.

I think I have CAH, which is when females have an excessive amount of testosterone. Think about it, I'm overly agressive, I'm better hanging out with guys than girls, I like talking to guys more than girls, I'm good at math, I'm good at the visual stuff.

Actually I think I have both a female and male brain. So all in all.. I think I'm.. bisexual. Well I don't think. I know. I've known since grade 5, except that I just havn't accepted it, or even said it, or wrote it down. Cause' it's like the epitamy of my conscience, and I get so scared, and embarassed if anyone finds out.
shit man.

I've said it a couple of times just to say it, not because I meant it or anything, and even now I'm still not "meaning" to say it. I don't mean it, even though it's true.

I just feel really awkward saying shit like that, because I've grown up in a culture who hates gays. I'm Chinese and "Christian". ouch.

but me having a female and male brain is not unehtical, or unlogical. It makes a lot of sense if it is like that. I fight like a mad man, and get emtional like a menopausal woman. It's true.




payce.

i hate fat jokes that makes me feel low about myself, and fucking self conscience around everyone.

i hate fat remarks that makes me want to kill myself, and make myself look better, and lose some fucking wiehgt.

i need to eat less, and eat better,
but my house doesn't have anything.



it's fucking lame.


fuck looks.
but yet, I can't stop thinking about looking skinnier,
I want tot behappier.

I want to be happy with myself, and the way i look.
I want to be able to share clothing with my friends.

more like borrow their clothes without stretching it.


it's fucking embarassing when that happens.


i'm so fucking self conscience you have no idea.







shit.

I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.
I NEED TO LOSE WIEGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.
I NEED TO EXERCISE MORE, LOSE WEIGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.
I NEED TO EXERCISE MORE, LOSE WEIGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.
I NEED TO EXERCISE MORE, LOSE WEIGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.
I NEED TO EXERCISE MORE, LOSE WEIGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.
I NEED TO EXERCISE MORE, LOSE WEIGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.
I NEED TO EXERCISE MORE, LOSE WEIGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.
I NEED TO EXERCISE MORE, LOSE WEIGHT, AND GET MYSELF A BOYFRIEND.

I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, GET BETTER LOOKING, AND GET GORGEOUS.
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, GET BETTER LOOKING, AND GET GORGEOUS.
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.

I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, PERIOD.
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT TO LOOK BETTER.
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT TO LOOK BETTER.
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT TO LOOK BETTE.R
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT TO LOOK BETTETR.
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT OT LOOK BETTER.


I NEED TO LOOK BETTER, TO GET A BOYFRIEND, GET SELF-ESTEEM.
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT, AND LOOK BETTE.R

GET A BOYFRIEND,
GET SKINNIER,
LOOK BETTER,
GET A BETTER SELF-ESTEEM,
GET A BOYFRIEND,
LOSE WEIGHT.

LOSE THE FUCKING WEIGHT, AND MAKE MYSELF LOOK BETTER,
AND GET SEFL-ESTEEM.



LOOK BETTER JESSICA!



RESOLUTION FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Your Social Dysfunction: Schizotypal You display social deficits and oddities of thinking. Your perception and communication are similar to those of a schizophrenic.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.

Your Social Dysfunction: Paranoid You show pervasive and unwarranted suspiciousness, and mistrust of others. You are overly sensitive and prone to jealousy.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.

RIP LEONARD.
:(


that book is so sad.
Made me cry in CP Art (aka my spare)


I've decided on what I want to do for my photography project
it's pretty much based on the theme "You are you're own toughest critic"
and it's going to have a lot of pictures of myself hahaha. - _-"

As for my art projects I want to do a lot of oriental-based pictures, not like anime, but just a oriental theme.

I want to do a chinese or japanese girl being surrounded by lillies, koi fishes, and vines or crazy designs.

I want to do pictures that'll impress Mr Jung and everyone around me.


I want to do sketches now that'll help me practise.

I want to do more realism pictures like faces and what not. But I need a lot of practise, A LOT.
My try at realism always fails, it always end up looking not like the person, but still kind of cartoon-y but not cartoony??

I don't know how to explain it.

whateveeeeeeer.

I can't talk to guys, and guys that arn't my friend don't want to talk to me.
it's a crappy lifestyle.

I'm kind of sick of my boobs growing.
It's a ego booster, but at the same time it makes me feel really trashy when I wear certain shirts, and more self-conscience, believe it or not.

and bra shopping feels like I'm making 50 year old men with wifes have hard-ons, and it's kind of gross and embarassing.

-_-"

but it makes me feel like people are thinking that I only have breasts because I'm fat.


werrrrd bitches.

I'm more talented than you fuckers, and you're all getting more props than I am,
fuck you all.
I just don't know how to use it all to my advantage, and it's fuckign screwing me over.


fuck it all.

it's not like I can give everyone a piece of my mine,
they wont understand, they wont accept it.
they wont give me another chance, or the time of day.
They wont like me,
they wont be my friend.
I'll be gone, I'll disappear.
I hate how I can't find love, or something like it.

I want to be the best at fucking everything,
I want to impress the fucing world, nad succeed with high excellence.

fucking give me the honour that I deserve, and for my fuckign modesty, and fuck it all.

just fuck it.


let me learn from my mistakes and let me grow.


fucking squeeze my tears out of me, cause' I'm fucking sick and tired of crying for things that I cant have,
and for things that no one will care for me.

for things that people will not know, and for things for people will not care for me about.



help me improve, let me learn about the things in life,


I will never be a model, I don't have the body type for it, nor do I ever think I will ever have.

I want to be goregous, and blow everyone's fucking minds.

I want to prove everyone worng who's every doubted me, fuckign stun everyone.


lose my weight, create a new type of beauty.


blow everyone's fucking minds.

I'm everything everyone wanted me to be and more,
I'm everything everyone said I am and more.

I am that scenester kid that you wanted me to be or said that I am,
I am that fuckign ugly shit ass girl that walks down YOUR hallway.



I'm not nice, not pretty, not smart, and of no value to you.


fuck you shallow hoe fucks.

sweet sounds of softly spoken romance.

I vow to bleach my hair blonde if I ever decide to dye my hair back to black.