resolutions for life.


lose some fuckign weight.
get laid
get a boyfriend
commit to something
be successful
stop eating so goddamn much
party harder
be more fun to be around
more self-esteem
stop being so jealous of everything
more music
be able to speak english properly, again.
speak cantonese more fluent
be able to speak mandarin
go to greece
go to venice
go back to china
be more active
be more honest?
just be me, and stop copying people.
be in love
get long hair, do something with it that'll make me proud, like a wild perm or something.
try e, and acid
be a hoe?
take singing lessons.
be more confident with my singing,
be able to reach the high g above middle c.
be able to reach c below middle c.




I WANT TO BE SKINNIER, or just toneed.
no more cellulite.

my mom needs to stop being a fucking hypocrite.

fuck.
and everyone needs to stop being so fucking greedy.

fat face faggots taht thhink that they're all that,
makes me so mad.


look at all that alliteration.
woooah.

screw them, fuck.
I'm getting hooked up and that's all that matters.

i'm getting hooked up with 2 grams of weed for sunday.
(new years eve)
aww yee

for some odd reason,
I feel like beating the crap out of someone, verbally and physically.
and run away.
do something artisitic with myself, smoke pot and cigerettes
lose weight, and get fucked.

I think my period is coming soon.

oh and kris told me that I have a really nice voice,
which boosted up my confidence HELLA.
cause' sometimes I just hate my voice.

well he likes the lower register, and I like that one a lot too.


he makes me so nervous though.
oh well.

CODY CAME TO VISIT TODAY!
I'm so glad I got to see him.
I miss that boy SOOOOOOOO MUCh!
you have no idea.

it made me so happy.
And I totally cheated off of Ben for my psych test, so I didn't need to worry.
:)


and I gave robbie the apron.
but I ran out of the candy canes, sucks.
oh well!
next year
:D


fuccck shit. My parents are dragging me to Vancouver until boxing day, neg gros.
I hate when they pull stunts like that.
They tell me that we're not going to go anywhere over christmas break, so I make plans around that.
But then they're like SYKE dyke. and now we're going, and they expect that I have no life, so I just have the change everything, negrros.
:(


oh well.
I'm so excited about my camrea.
I'm so glad that everything is coming back togethr quiet nicely.
:D

fuck I love Robbie.
I wish I was closer.
though I am getting there.

fuck humble.


yeah i said it.

so I definitely think that I"m going to fail the psych test, cause' I only did olike 20 questions out of the 50 or so questions that we got!
FUCKING SUCK.
:(

I'm just so fed up with little things in my life right now.

people seem to love ot hate.
I love to hate.
I love to like
I love to love.
I love to feel.

I want feelings.
I want a want.
I want a want that I get.

but nothing is a "want that I get" until I try harder, but I don't try at all. I'm passive, and I live in a crazy world where I think that the guy will come to me.

such bullshit, and I need to stop believeing that, such a waste of my emotions.
When I play mind games with myself.

I want love.
I want feelings.
I want emotions
I want to move out,
and emancipate myself from my "parents" .

I actually thought about living on the streets, just to be able to not associate myself with them.

I'm sick of all these childish games, and frustration.


YEAH FUCK, what if I do want control? What if I always have to be right?! That's who I am, and that's how they raised me.

I am the reflection of their parenting skills.

When they get mad at me, they're getting mad at their capabilities to parent.


I thought about the unspoken again. It's been a while, and it's always becasue of my parents.


I hate them.
They're only here to buy me things, and pay for bills, and to give me rides to places. But I want to start bussing more, cause' I want independence.

and all you could think of was the bare chest of the woman standing infront of you.

all my life I spent lusting after men that could have been my father.
While psychologists could tell me that it was all becasue I just wanted the father figure I never had.

or at least parents that are ganging up on me?

probably the same way that I"m acting right now.

how do/am I suppose to act around parents who hates me?

I took some good pictures of myself today.
I want to hand them in for the sketch book assignment.
:)

I want a loverrrrrrr.
and weed.
and beer.
:)
hahah I"m such a hick.

captainblackjackcryingonpokerstreetstonigh

biggest blow out with my dad ever.
it could have gone so much farther, but I just had to stop.

little boys lying in red rover ditches crying "mommie don't let me go". lemonade just wont make me happy anymore.

lately I've been really happy and I wouldn't trade it for anythingl.

my hurr, and becoming closer to robbie is making me happy.
werrd bro.

I think weston likes me. But I could be wrong.
He's just been acting differently lately.
:)

I have so much more confidence with my new hurr.
and what not.
I'm happy with it.

I'm invited to three parties on saturday.
and I don't know which one to go.


I told Ariel I'd go to her's like two weeks ago, and I'd feel so bad if I just all of a sudden decided not to go.
the neg. about her's is that there's a lot of sooke kids and it's just awkward.
But I watn to get drunk! But I doubt I would anyways, cause' I don't have my own drinks.

Jes's is kind of last minute-ish. Well it was suppose to be last week and that would have been so much more convient than now. But I want to get crunked! :(

Weston is a fag. He invited me today and made me feel worse, but I think mike is going to be there :)
He was inviting people like two weeks ago, and he JUST invited me today. And I said that I'd go.


I said that to everyone. shit son.
I'm so bad with saying no. :(

I'm going to think about it.

I love this.
it feels like I have a new start to everything.

I'm being honest, there's no point of keeping anything in.
It's not like I'm going to get things starts about it becasue I don't have anyone close to me, so I might as well just say it then avoid it.

I want ot be honest, I want to be who I am.
and I think I'm finding some self discovery in this new image that I got. :)

I'm happy, and that's all that I carea bout right now.

100 + things about me. Not in any peticular order

1. I tend to trust guys more so than I trust girls, even though I have more friend that are of the female gender than guys.
2. I love knowing little facts about people and being able to tell them and them being impressed with the knowledge.
3. My vocabulary isn't very wide.
4. When I learn a new word I use it A LOT.
5. I adore getting those "quiz" e-mails from people.
6. I listen and I remember.
7. I'm trustworthy and loyal, maybe a little too much??
8. I love writing little informations about myself.
9. I sing.. a lot. I prefer singing when I'm walking along the sidewalk with people around, more so then infront a group of people.
10. I love impressing people
11. I'm most proud of learning the bass.. i think.
12. I like to write all over/burst out meaningful one liners that I have no idea of the meaning behind it. (And you can probably find it all over my room)
13. I have ADD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Compulsive Skin Picking, Mild case of Agoraphobia, Phobia, Dyslexia.
14. I hate procrastination, but I do it anyways.
15. I hold all of my frustration in, and then I just cry immensly about the stupidest things.
16. I had/have an Nexopia, Zorpia, AA, Facebook, Face-Pic, Faceparty, Faces4U, MySpace, LiveJournal, Xanga, BloggerSpot, Bebo, LiveWire, Photobucket, MyPhotoAlbum, Futki, AgeGuess, JackDog, GeoCities, YouAreSuck, LiveVictoria, FreeWebs accounts.
17. I'm overly dramatic.
18. I love my hair, a lot.
19. I love music, but I'm only a music poser. I know shit about the histroy and what not.
20. I love belting out not-so-good music.
21. I admire breakdancers.
22. I love people who can do things with their lives, except for prostitutes and etc.
23. I was once a very active person.
24. Cone from Sum41 is the reason why I picked up the bass... kind of lame, but it happens.
25. I have trust issues
26. I have committment problems.
27. I love eating cold pizza.
28. I hate orange juice. And whenever there is orange juice I always give it a try but then half way through I realize how much I hate it.
29. I love juice, and my house doesn't have enough of it.
30. I don't like being committed to things becasue it then doesn't give me any options.
31. I don't mind being independent, I probably prefer it more. But I depend on people alitle too much when I have the option too.
32. I hate people lerking over my shoulder looking/reading everything I do/write.
33. I can't stand nosy people and don't have the patience to deal with them.
34. I hate people who treats me like a motherfucking kid.
35. I use to be the taller than almost everyone, and now I haven't grown and inch since grade 5.
36. I am a smart girl, but not in the way you think.
37. My brother and I are more mature than our parents.
38. I take things too seriously, and because of that I lack a good sense of humour.
39. I forgive too easily sometimes, but I never forget.. I just pretend like I do.
40. I like planning on hanging out with people but never actually come through with it.
41. I want to learn how to play the cello, stand-up bass, and the trombone.
42. I want to be able to speak Greek, Mandarin, and Spanish fluently.
43. I want to surpass everyone and rub my achievements in their face.
44. It takes me a while to get use to people younger than me.
45. I like to tell myself that I'm comfortable being rejected but really I'm not.
46. I sculpt, and sketch a lot better than I draw or paint.
47. If I don't know a lot about something, I usualy end up making up a logical lie.
48. I'm actually quite a boring person.
49. I don't know how to interact properly with people.
50. When I like someone I usually end up going to them about it but never say that it's them. -_-"
51. I think more than I should.
52. My glasses screwed up my vision more than the computer, the tv or reading too closely.
53. I like helping people.
54. I like being the person that people trust.
55. I give more than I recieve.
56. I need to take a step back and listen to my own advice half the time.
57. I find myself quite pathetic.
58. I can sing on key, kind of (usually a little flat), but I'm not an amazing singer or anything.
59. I sing better in my lower range, and I like it better when I sing there.
60. I like people remembering who I am.
61. I'm a worry wart.
62. I have a two octave voice range. My lower note is the G right after middle C, and my highest is the 2nd G above middle C.
63. I love clothes that are nicely fitted so that when I look into a mirror I don't hate myself.
64. I love eyeliner on me, but I get embarassed if I wear too much.
65. I love wriitng about myself.
66. I'm allergic to Vodka
67. I hate champaine.
68. I only like drinking alcohol when it's really diluted with other things
69. I hate feeling obligated to do something, makes me not want to do it more.
70. I love chocolate.
71. I hate being too picky, so I'm indescive.
72. I love designs, and graffiti
73. I hate people who don't do/buy things becasue it's not authentic.
74. I have a problem with buying all the clothes that looks good on me, becasue I'm afraid that I'm not going to find it again.
75. I want to become a model photographer, hair designer, cosmetologist, bass player in a band, when I grow older. And if all fails I'll have my math skills to fall back on.
76. I hate people who are too controlling, and they frustrate me a lot./
77. I like sweet things, I like salty things. Spicy is okay, but not too much spicy. Bitter is only okay when it comes to chinese medicine.
78. I'm jealous easily.
80. I like reading, but I'm un-motivated and is hard for me to get into.
81. I love hair and make-up, and wish people would trust me more with things like that.
82. I always wait for people to come ot me about things/with things. But it always end up not happenig and then me goingt o them.
83. I get really annoying wehn I'm nervous.
84. I have days when I get really fidgety, talk a lot, and bouncy... and those days are when I'm happpiest.
85. I get attracted to older men too easily, and it's kind of gross.
86. I always say that I"m bored, but I always find something to get distracted by.
87. I have too much guilt on my hands, even for the smallest things. It's ridiculous.
88. Even years are my best years.
89. I regret too much, and can get easily embarassed.
90. I ALWAYS like the guys that I can't get. I've been single for 16 years going on 17 becasue of this.
91. I want to be the best at life.
92. I have this dream that I'll become famous and have all my fianances taken care of, and I depend on that dream.
93. I always find something wrong about the thing I'm doing.
94. Another nervous habit of mine is picking at my flaws, or whatever i'm doing's flaws.
95. I love excersing and sweating, makes me feel good. :)
96. I love excersing without going to a gym, because I'm too uncomfortable with myself to go to a gym.
97. I wouldn't mind going to a gym if no one was there, or with my friends.
98. I love singing and that's that.
99. I'm a sucker for cute boys, and things.
100. I'm selfish, and is a closet narcissist.

i want robbie and i to be BFF.

I wish I could write like this in all my blogs then I wouldn't need to have a secret blog.

I think my dad is so damn closeminded about shit is becasue he's uncomfortable with who he is. And he's trying to be something that he imagines that he should be or that everyone man is.

lame.

and my mom is so stupid.

fuck, whenever i leave for just a second she'd go on the computer and try to play a game of freecell before I get which is usually within 2 or 3 minutes, it's so lame.

seems like everything, to me is just either black or white.

I can settle for a happy medium for some things like my hair, for example when I want it to be really blonde but then it goes to this golden yellowy colour.. I'm fine with it.

But with things like people.. it's black or white (not the colour skin) but just my opinions about them, and it's hard for me to change it, even after I get to know them better.

aight I bougth some hari mask thing.

and I've decided I'm going to wash my hair every two-three days, casue' it needs some serious greasing up and some hardcore pampering.

it's so high-maintanence, and needs to be tamed HELLLA.

I love affectionate people. and I love honest people who I can trust and talk to without them being repulsive.



annnnd, where are my parents?!!



my life has been so uneventful ever since I've quit winners. I don't dare to say it but I must, I miss winners.




umm I think that whole DWA shit is fucking riduculous, and fucking racist. Why don't they have signs saying DWI (driver was indian) so that they would be aware that they wouldn't be able to undersatnd them ahead of time.

I want a boyfriend to call my own. But like that'll ever happen.

and I want to know how to play the cello, and trombone right now!

and learn how to play guitar better and bass.




I'm glad thatI'm geting closer to robbie, but it sucks how I always gets closer to people when they're about to leave. Maybe it's subsonscious thing. Get close to them when I don't have much of a chance to get too close to them, because I have problems with commitment and staying close to people. It's lame but it's how I am, I think.
-_-"


I wish my subconscious state of mind wasn't so lame. It's so damn pessmistic and screws me over always. I need to get away and re-wire myself.

fucking sakes.

I WNAT TO BE PERFECT. and all knowing.


I want to impress, and be motivated.

i regret it so much becasue my hair is so dead now!
but I like it.

this friday night includes me getting a perm
:)

but no extensions, oh well. :)

i want to get extensions and a perm.
-_-"

everyone is getting into polariod, shit.
-_-"

i'm not afraid of who I am, but what I am.

I want to do something with my singing.
and my music stuff
I wish I knew how to play the piano better so I can show off to blake and simon, and NJ.

I have a english test on thursday, fuck.

I want a boyfriend, just to call mine. And to hold me, and suffice my needs, hahah.
fuck I'm whore.


I feel so ugly sometimes.
I feel like I need to show skn to get any kind of attention.
lame.


I have my period, so guess what I'm going to rant about?
FRIENDS.

I hate them so much, yet I need them so much.

I want to hang out with my other friends from downtonw and what not, but I feel like I want to hang out with my friends from school so much more.

-_-"

On Friday dec 1

my cp art, the photography and journalism class went on a field trip to Vancouver to see Body Worlds 3 and Vancouver ARt Gallery.


It was the bomb.


Spent so much time with Robbie. (L)
hahah.
What a cutie pie.

Body Worlds was pretty gnarly, they didn't even seem like they were real people, they were skinned, so it seem like they were plastic and fake.
But it was neither.

they had a fetal development display and it was really cool, but sad at the same time. Cause' there were so many dead babies in a room. -_--"

I also got to talk to NJ for a bit. what a sly dog, haha.


Daniel and I were safety buddies, but he sucked asss. He kept ditching me, and leaving in harm's way. And I would shout things at him like "If I catch up to you, I'm going to stik my foot up your gnarly little bum bum" and he would freak out, and have a whack attack.



Melissa and I have figured out what we're going to get Robbie for his christmas present. We're going to get him an apron with the three of our faces on it, and a shirt. On the front of the shirt it's going to have " I <3 MY FAN CLUB" and then on the bottom back it's going to have mine and melissa's face on it. And we're goingt o get him santa grams, haha.
It's going to be so good! :D

And I'm going to quit Waveside soon! I hate it there so much, the schedules just keeps on conflicting, and it's not working for either of us. So I'm hopefully going to get a job at Shoppers Drug Mart. So that I could get discounts on hair-dye and make-up. Well, hopefully I can get discounts, if not I'll just have to quit, and work at London Drugs. so that I could get discounts. :)

Carol band performances are coming soon. My mom can give me a ride this friday, and my dad can possibly give me a ride next wednesday, and next frida my mom can give me a ride.
But for next next monday, tuesday, and wednesday I'm screwed. So I'm going to ask Robbie, or Lisa and Jill for a ride. Hopefully either of them will be able to. I wouldn't mind if I just had to carry a clarinet and a stand. But I'm carrying my bassoon, and every neccesseties of my bassoon needs, a stool, a stand and my music book thing. -_-".

fuuuck.

hopefully everything will work out in the end.














*keeps my finger cross*.

night

from feb 15

kissed, missed, and dissed.
where would we be without hate?
hate is our foundation to life.
not peace, not love, definetly not that cute boy that just walked by.
Think about it.
Without hate, would there be happiness?
Would we need to fight for peace?;
strive for human right?
Without hate, everything would be just right.
Everything would be fine.
No need for jealously,
No need for failure.
No need to fight, no need to try hard, no need to strive.
No need for motivation; for being the best; to be perfect.
Where's life without hate?
What would be the need to be free; to live?
Humans love to hate,
it's inevitable.
And, why would we stop something we love?
Why would we blame ourselves for our mistakes?
Why would we blame ourselves for unrighteous thinking;
For wrongful doings?
Why would we blame ourselves when we have the people around us to blame?
Hate, you just gotta love it.

from june 1st








With daffodils blooming,
hearts heating,
tongues slurred,
feets slithered,
scorched lips revealing words unspoken.

Clouds condensed of pain,
raining of sufferings,
blossom with temptations,
burdens danced on mental health,
Ride the zephyr with redemption.

Tear out compassion,
dance with flaws,
grip the remorse,
sell out to the moment,
arise with the horizon.

Rush to the saved,
reach for the grief,
take on the loss,
smile to the guilt,
Lift the weight of regret.

Hammer shame to the wall,
dent it with the anguish,
strike it with the happiness,
beat pleasure out,
Contain the joy.

Cry with the circus clowns,
laugh with the mimes,
confess to wine glasses,
disagree with priests,
shout to the wild,
and just giver.

from june 22






I went to the candy store,
cause' I heard there was a new flavour in town-
"LOVE"
is what it was called.
It brings new sensations,
it's the flavour of flavours.
It's extraordinary,
no,
more than that,
it's unbelievable,
it's so beyond our heads it's imaginable.
I step in the store,
and was awestruck
by the sight of the shelves stocked of LOVE.

I jumped with estacy streaming through my body
grabbed a box,
gave it to the man behind the counter,
he said "dollar fiddy please"


I wanted Love,
but I only had 10 cents.

damn I'm good.





Certain nights listening to spoken sounds from open mouths with words
stinging
so
clearly.
Now hear the tasteless meanings and boundless potential that
my
heart aches with pity for.
Eyes onlooking seeking for justice- proven their unworthiness.
Being bashful, and smite the hatred and the cliches.
Sins astounding with truth mentioned, temptations refuted and condemned.
Guilty pleasures-
marked
fragile.
Contents restricted.
Latex love with Trojan men - nothing but fiction. See through alibis that reek of violation.
Baby prodigies of peace in air-tight confinement with caked on love like the mask the woman
in the latest issue of blender wears.
The concept of old fashion love, is way beyond our imagination.
Leaning towards motley ambiguity to fornicate.
While Guerilla warfare in Hollywood city, with city lights are lighting up the
r o m a n c e l i f e
in a sacred refinement that sisters cannot seem to see their father's face in their recognizable disgrace,
as
they
are
becoming
of
age.
And shame spits without skipping a moment,so build up a repetoire of notes that represent of what
l
i
f
e

i
s
without crappy invitations of tantilizing needs.
Let the remarks roll and go bug eyes for the home cries, because con days and accurate make-believes are failures in future presentations.
Maybe someday the lack of success will suffice unlike old men's fable that were
once
real
life
stories.
And sometimes
someone
somewhere will hear of the spoken sounds from open mouths with words
s t i n g i n g
s o
c l e a r l y
And maybe their heart will hear and learn the tasteless meanings and boundless potential that my
heart aches with pity for.