so this morning I woke up at 5:40am to get ready for 7:00am when I had to go to Michelle's house to drive her to the airport.

She called me at like 6:30am freaking out abotu how she didn't want to go, how she didn't want to leave everything behind. It was so hard to convince her to go, becasue I didn't want her to go at all. But I do want her to be happy and I knew she would have regreted it if she had stayed here.

It seems like everytime that I get remotely close to someone I lose them somehow. It's like if they don't drop me I'll drop them, I guess that is life, but not to this extent you know? Cuase' it's EVERYONE that i get close to. I hate it sometimes. Especially if they're the ones doing the dropping.. cause' usually if I do it it's me just placing myself further and further away from them, and we're just fine with it, but when they do it to me it's differetn, casue' I get emotionally attach to the person and I'm never ready for them to leave. I always have just let down my shield and they bounce. It sucks that it has to be this way, but it is how it is.
I'm going to miss her so much. and/or I do.

anyways.. I got to her house at 7am and helped her put her suitcase into the car and we left around 7:15-ish.. we got there in half an hour and got some breakfast and chilled and talked for a bit. Then I thoguht I had to get back to scholl by 8:45am for some odd reason. But when I got to school I realized how much of a flail I was.

When I was driving back I was bawling my eyes out.. I don't know why I had gotten THAT upset about it.. it's probably cause' in the back of my mind I think that she's never returning like Momo. I just lost faith? I don't know.

I hope she does return, and I hope she returns within three months. I don't want her to forget me, and I don't want to forget her. She's showed me a whole new lifestyle, and a way to be a good friend in a way she is. She's fucking loyal and she's been what I have been looking for lately. ANd it just really sucks that she has to go.


and right now, I'm TRYING to work on my essay for history, but I'm flailing big time. I just miss my little little michelle. I'm going to miss blazing with her, and hotboxing my car, and her and I only getting what flail ment.

She said that she will call me, and I really hope so will. I really hope we will keep in touch. But I'm afraid that I'm might not be that committed, becasue I'm a flail when it comes to long distance friendship, becasue I"m not on my computer very often anymore, and I don't want to be becasue I get so distracted, and end up going to bed at like 12am every night.. and plus, it keeps me from ACTUALLY doing my homework, like right now for example.

but whatevss.. I talked to pual and he gave me an extension, but I REALLY do want to get this done by tonight, but it doesn't really look that way right now. But hopefully.

if not tomorrow night at the latetest. I just feel liek I"m using him, casue' he did give us the extension and I just feel bad.

fuck.

I just miss michelle.

I'm going to miss her calling me late in the night to tell me the stupidest things, or asking me if I want to go blaze.. when most of the time I don't but do anyways, cause' I like smoking weed.

I don't know how I'm suppose to function during this week.

seriuosly it's fucked up already and it's only the second day.
fuck.


I REALLY have ot finish this essay by tomorrow or else I"m fucked.

thursday I have my LPI exam, and a take-home essay.
Then friday was suppose to be the history test but I'm going to be in Vancouver as with other people, and paul.

but I'm suppose to do my spanish vocab quiz that day as well, and there's suppose to be the PA potluck thing.. fuck

so hectic..

whatever.. it is how it is, right?

why can't I just rant like this on my essays and just getter done?!

fuck this..


I just feel like crying, and not going to school for the rest of the week.

I just don't want to deal with everything.

there's just so much.

I STILL need to do my healthy living plan.
make a transition plan
apply for scholarships
do 80 hours of physical activity.

fuck..

AND I have to register for the english 12 provinicial.
I've decided that I need to re-do it.

I did REALLY bad. -_-"

so I'm at school right now, just chillin' like the villain that I am. I'm working on my dino stop motion project that I've delayed for the past week or so.

I havn't smoked as much as I did last week. I don't know., I got kind of freaked about it. But I still crave it sometimes. Oh god, I did it in the school bathroom.. -_-"
addicted much, eh?!

fuck.

last night I cut simon's hair, freaky eh?!

I'm glad he likes it, and i really like it.

fuck yeha...?D
2

fuck,
I'm becoming such a lil' stoner. like actually. fuuck, I actually bought a pipe yesturday.

I called in sick for work, becasue they're making me work too much, and I went out and bought a pipe with Michelle and Kelsey. And kelsey bought Michelle a bong for her birthday.
Then we went to mayfair and chilled there for a bit, then I drove them back downtown, and I went home casue' I had to go out for my grandma's 2nd brithdya dinner. Then after that I called michelle up again, and went to her house, from there we went to northridge school and broke in our new implements of smoking crhon, haha.

I was fucked. I still have half a bowl from that night left. And tonight Ryan, Michelle, Kelsey, ryan, and I went to ryan's house and they somoked hash and chron. And I smoked a little bit of hash without knowing. But I didn't feel it because I didn't smoke too much of it. But man, I don't know.

I'm smoking too much weed.

and fucking hash?! who am I?

and michelle got ryan to give me a nug for a ride to his house, haha.

so I got enough for a packed bowl :)


and the other week I fucking hot boxed my car with Michelle. It was sketched, because I drove home afterwards, luckily it wasn't too far from my house. I'm so thankful for having Michelle live so close to me. Free chron, for a ride.

fuck I don't want to be labeled as a fucking stoner, but that's what I'm becoming :. I havn't smoked at least once a week, for like over a month. Sometimes I smoke like three times a week, that's so bad. fuck.

but I want to lose weight! and this is kind of helping?

I don't know. I want to try hash again, and more of it some other day.

I want to get high with Joe and them, I miss hanging out with them, fuck. I miss those guys. I wish Joe still lived in town.

Fuck langford. seriuosly.


and my dad is being a pyscho, fuck. I told my mom if she ever needs a ride home she can call me.

Like the other day dad and her went up to langford to get the car tires' replaced, and when they were waiting they walked around and apparently he just fucking flipped out on her the whole time they were walking around, like on the street and everything like full out screaming, what a fucking pussy eh? and like he would try to run away from her, or to get away, and she would straggle along and try to keep up with him, but he would just throw rocks or like weeds at her or towards the ground, and he would threaten to get a divorce with her. He's so fucking controlling, and I aint' having. Sometimes I feel like I"m being such a bitch towards him, but then most of the tiime I realize he fucking deserves it. He doesn't deserve any kind of love from me, if he's treating my mom like that. Like fuck him seriously. what a fucking girl, eh?


shit, I want to get fucked. And also I asked Ross if he could take me to the thrifty's christmas party, and he said that he might be quitting, but he also never said no! So, he would have if he's not quitting. But right now I'm trying to convince him to not quit yet! cause' there's only a month until the party, and I"m actually willing to like miss then emily carr portfolio day for it! werrd.


but fuck, I really hope that he would take me! or else, I'm forced to go to thrifty's everyday and make someone take me! Becasue I'm not going to the winners christmas party, cause' it's lame ass. Anfd it's going to be all langford kids.

-_0"

but fuck, mike is an asshole, fuck him. seriously. He's definitely lost some major cool points with me.

I asked him if he would take me to the christmas party and he's like.. "uhh... yeahh...." like sarcastily, like seriuoly FUCK YOU, grow up it's not like we're going to be going out after that or shit, fuck. seriuosly.


i'm going to peace this, and do some homewokr?

later

grad photos tomorrow

annnnnd,

I needd to get me some action ;)

I just don't even want to do anything anymore, because no one that I want to like it, ever likes it.

I just don't depend on people either, because they just don't care as much as I do.. which is not saying much, because I"m a fucking nut.

I just hate myself, and blah blah blah I hate my friends.

life sucks.. yada ydadayd asydasdfgklfj;

stfu jessica.

fuck, that I'm a brat.
fuck that i"m a bitch.

fuck that I always find things to be mad at.
I AM NEVER content, even if I do say that i am..

fuck it.

so, it's been awhile.

I've been smoking a lot more.
well haha, more frequently I should say.

I got my screw in, for my mouht yesturday. I was so disappointed when they were likje "okay you can put your retainer back in"
cause' I had thought that it was the day to get my new tooth, FINALLY.. but nope.
I think i get it in about 3 months, hopefully.

-_-"
but my dentist came to watch with his assistant, and he bought me a cake..


anyways, my life lately.

so I'm crushing on this boy name Ryan, from work. Fuck he's amazing.

But he's going out with Kelsey, who works in the same department as me, and it makes it awkward if they're both working on the same day..
werd

anyways, when Ryan and I are working ont he same day without Kelsey, we flirt like mad.
it's silly but I love it.
him and I would be so good togehter, but fuck. Things like this never works for me.

on Sunday, they put me in the fitting the whole day.. and Ryan was working as well.. he was pretty much in the fitting the whole time with me and stephanie..
it was so cute..
we just kept kidding around, and what not. He proposed to me, and he made me a ring out of a medium nub and tape, and I wore it the whoel day.. and when the tape ripped he noticed that it wasn't on my finger, and it's still in my pocket of my apron..

golly gee. And he was saying "I still have to smoke you up". I want to SO BAD, but I'm ALWAYS driving so I don't think I could ever blaze with him, unless it's during our break time at Winners, and i don't really know if I want to blaze durinf the break.. but who am I kidding, of course I want to.

but then again it would cut down my eating time..
whatever.

He's too cool.
spekaing of cool kids, KYLE GOT FIRED.. damnit. He called sonya a bitch indirectly. Tiffany told sonya and sonya got him fired. FUCK HER, she is a bithc. and it was totally prevoked by her for him to have said that.

She was listneing in to his conversation with someone else, and then she started saying things like "well that's because you're stupid" and then apparently she walked away and he said "well, that's becasue you're a bithc".. tiffany then went and snitched on him..

which was pretty hypociritical of TIffany becasue she went on a big rant about how she hated snitches and what not.. fuck that.


fuck my mouth hurts.

So i've defintiely cut off churhc.. I havn't been for like three months.. and I'm okay with that. It was just not my thing, and I feel sorry for my brother, who is forced to go every Sunday.


Anwyays, lately I've been having some sweet bonding time with Joe MacDougall. He's too cute.

I'm just catching up on like years of flirting that I havn't done before.

but fuck, both those guys are taken as ever.

I still got my rossy?!
hopefully. PS I'm planning on applying at Toys-R-Us after christmas. :)

HIm and I have this thing where i like pee on his mom's grave at night.. it was so cute.
Him and Ryan just makes me laugh and be happy the way that I just need to be.

things people don't know about me

I LOVE EVERY KIND OF MUSIC. Even songs that I say that I hate, I probably LOVE THEM.
I don't eat beef or pork.
I have a missing tooth.
I have areally bad self esteem issues
I am OBSESSED about my hair.
I don't have a role modle.
People who I've ever looked up too have proven me wrong, or have left, or are leaving.
I, generally, have bad luck.
I'm so scared of failure that I fail before trying.
I'm slowly learning how to let myself go.
I have trust issues.
I can usually figure out the root of my problems.
I over analyse everything, but it's usually pretty accurate...
I'm paranoid.
I have some issues.. haha
I have many speehc impediments.
I LOVE belting out really bad songs. :)
I LOVE SLEEP, but I hate sleeping in too late.
I love staying up late, but hate not having enough sleep.
Things like alcohol, and energy drinks don't work for me.
I'm too scared to say some things because of what people might think of me.
I have studying issues.
I do want to explore with drugs, but never know how to tell people that.

he's nothing but negativity. FUCK HIM.


I'm in such a bad mood, and I just don't want to WORK EVER. but I NEED to becasue I want money.

werrd.

But I want to find another job somewhere?..maybe I'll go to Thrifty's but I don't know.

I want to do something with clothes, or hair. Maybe I'll apply at a hair salon as a receptionist, but it seems like they only take in people who can work full time ONLY. But I'll never know until I try.

WHATEVS. I just NEED to TRY.


so I was at band camp for last night, it was a lot of fun.. but I was really grossed out for the majority of it, and right now I REALLY don't want to touch my feet. We were like running around barefoot in goose poo and that's a big no no for me.

SO FIND A NEW JOB AND yeah.

nevermind about him flirting.

------------------------------------------------------------

salt shakes and butterlicks

j-rhyme l-crime

of all the so call let downs that I've been having, and or creating?!

I'm excited for my PAINTING. It's going to extinguish some of this fuss that I've been accumulating.

So I blazed last night with maery, joce, phoebe, and devon.. btu i didn't get that high. I wish I did, and I wanted more..

so hopefully tomorrow would go better than last night.

I don't know why everyone thinks I'm such a good two shoes, not saying that I"m rebellious as hell, but yeah.

I just want to get high and enjoy the fuck out of it.




false accuracies is waht we aim at.
church on sundays, smiles at special dinners.
Like we have perfect lives,


push push and I go away,


it's too late.

why do I always seem like the parent.

fucking at your age.
fucign repression, and fuckign opression beating me down.

fucking hate hiding shit

fucking hate hating you.

not really.




aslffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff


I NEED LOVE. I need attention.


I'm vulnerable for a good friend.

I'm such a push over fora best friend, seriously.
Someone who woud hang out with me everyday, and someone who I can trust. I don't know if it's my subconscious pushing them away, or if I just choose really bad friends?

cause' my friends don't last very long.

I suck at keeping friends, I make no effort what so ever. I love being wanted. I hate feeling used, and that's what it feel slike most of the time.

I'm fucked for life, and it makes me scared for life.

I'm going to have such bad problems trying to find a man.

I fucking over analyze EVERYTHING, to fuckign death, and till' I fucking can't stnad anything.

I over exaggerate and that fucks me up.

seems like everyone has a best friend but me.

I just feel so clingy sometimes, and that's when I feel like I need to give them space, which ends up with me becoming really distant with them.

I have problems with comittment, and attachment, and people breaking down my barrier.

I don't know what happened to me to make me this way.

actually, never.
I think it's my mom. I can't trust her with shit.

and I think over the yeras it's made me develope something that makes me not be able to trust anyone else.

that or I've over exaggerated a situation and made myself not trust anyone.

soemtimes I just get so depressed about friends.

fuck. I'm hopeless. I feel so fucking unpretty sometimes.

I feel so fucking undesirable, pretty much all the time.



adf





dhhfhriiskksksjfjdj I nEED sleep,

I'm actually liking Winners the second time around. :)

it's more efficient, now that we have new managers.

fuck, I just want to go to Winners baked one day, but it would be too obvious for me.

I get fucking baked
well maybe last time was because it was hotboxed as well... I don't know. I want to just smoke it out of a joint.

fuck, I'm so scared for history.

fuck, about boys. I don't know how to choose them. The guy I like is flirting back? I don' tknow I'm fucking pathetic at this whole dating thing, and if guys like me or not.. I don't want ot get arrogant about it, but I would like to think that someone has some kind of feelings for me?

GOD, why can't I just get a guy for once?!
or like a guy that's not taken, and feels the same way about me!?

is that actually too much to ask for?
I know there's Ross, but I barely see him.
I'm actually thinking about asking him to grad, hahaha... becasue we're not allow to ask other people from other schools, which is okay, becasue it's not like I have anyone to ask ANYWAYS, haha

our hands celebrating the liberation that we finally have
feets relieved of suppressive memories of our fore fathers.

of old days that once downed us, and oppressed in melodramatic thoughts.

kisses blow towards us,
accompanying the sides of our cheeks.

sailing ships of hope and wayward motions of seldom love.

so I REALLY want to go to the gym, and tone my body.
I want to be healthy, and fit.

and I really want to go try out the aerobics, but I'm fucking nervous, and embarassed?

I just get so down about my look.
I've actually developed this way of thinking that boys don't like me because I'm bigger than most girls my age, and that I'm not as pretty as them.

I wish someone knew what I was thinking and would listen to me. But I don't want ot share this wish any one of my friends because it's fucking stupid.

I just get so depressed about things like this.

about my weight, and boyfriends, and shit like this. But it's not like I'm doing anything to fix it.

I always say, this year I'm jsut going to let myself go, but fuck all happens.

or I always say I'm gooing to lose at least 5 pounds this year.

but Ig ain like 10 instead.

I do nothing, because I mourn in self pity.

I WANT TO DO SOMETHING BUT I'M JUST TOO FUCKING EMBARASSED TO DO ANYTHING.

I push myself too hard when I do things like go to the gym, and I get all these notions that I have to prove myself to the person beside or near me, and that I think that everyone in the room is judging me, and that I have to prove something of myself.

I can't enjoy my time at the gym, becasue I think everyone is staring at me, and thinking to themselves about how fat I am.

and I just give in to these notions.

I just give in.

and they win.

guess where i'm working at again, WINNERS!

so there's this guy name Ryan, and he's a cutey.
HELLA STAYING... this is like the only reason why I'm keeping my job, haha.

except that.. I ALWAYS like the wrong kind of guys, and by that I mean, they like one of my friends, or that they're taken.

or they just don't like me back.


I hope I can find someone, some day. Seriously, I'm actually getting sick and tired of guys just considering me a friend, or one of the guys.



I also hate that people like don't even think about me dating or whatever.

Like I think I can get kind of flirty some times, but no one ever asks if I'm going out with blah blah blah

but if ANY of my other friendsd that are girls that does that with a boy they would automatically ask me if they're going out...


it's like everyone thinks that I'm just one of the guys.


I wish it was simple for me.

school's starting up tomorrow, LAST YEAR!!!!11


I hope everything will go as planned. :)
I hope I'll lose some weight, even if it is 4 pounds.

cvause' my weight flucuates 2 or 3 pounds.. but I want to keep the 4 off, or more.

I want to tone my bone.

I don't want this beer belly.

oh god,
guess what?!

I'm back at Winners. But Marlo hasn't called me to tell me my schedule yet, and I totally fucked myself over.

I told them that I could work pretty much everyday except for Thursdays.

Which is stupid of me. So on my first day I'm just going to talk to Brenda and be like "My mom told me that I shouldn't be working that much adn if I could only work 3 or 4 days a week"

and I'll tell her about church.

fuck, I'm stupid.
I only want to work on Tuesdays, Wednedays, and SAturdays, and SUnday afternoon like at 2:00pm.

I don't know, maybe for the first two weeks, I'll stick it out. But I REALLY don't want to work on tuesday becasue that's when Joce gets back and yeah, I just wnat to hang out with Friends on that day.

but whatever, I don't even get the car on that day.

I'm pretty stoked about get my own locker.

So fuck, I told two people that I would get my locker near them.

I told Lisa and Phoebe.

But fuck, Phoebe wants it upstairs and Lisa wants it probably in the "GR. 12" hallway.

But apparently we're suppose to get lockers by our Block B class, well.. one of my block B is Band and there's no lockers near that, and the other block B is a spare, soo... I don't get a locker?!

I don't get it, but we'll find out on Tuesday.

Oh God, I'm getting sick.. isn't that like fucking ridiculous?! It's summer.. WHO GETS SICK DURING THE SUMMEr?! I think it's becasue of all the stress an dcrying that I was doing early on in the week.

but now things are okay.. I guess.

Except that I've been really in the mood to loose weight, and just wnat ot go to the gym, and go on runs.. but I think it'll be pretty pathetic if I did because I can't do it for very long.

I want to go to aerobic drop-in sessions at Commonwealth, because we got some free admission things so I think I'll go with my mom or something.

And as for the gym, I think once aerobics starts up I'll think about it, or maybe I'll try yoga, everyone seems to be in it lately. I don't know. We'll see.


But yeah, defintieyl lose some inches, I want to lose at least one or two pant sizes.

also, I've been thinking about going on some kind of detox, like not eating for 5 days and drink some kind of drink like on LA Ink.

I think it'll help with losing weight, and I don't want to be eating that much anyways, and it's just the beginning of school so there's not much to be thinking of..? I don't know..

or maybe I'll just have soup for a couple of days, or only eat cereal for breakfast, soup for lunch, and a bit for dinner? I don't know...

what sucks the most is that if I don't eat, and my sugar level is down, I'm fucking grumpy as hell. Or I'm just really tired.

-_-"

whatever, I hope I'll lose some kind of weight by grad. Or at least tone my body.

:)

I feel so stressed


I just got a call from Winerns today, and they want me to go in for an interveiw on wednesday

but I'm stuck here in Vnacouver

I hate it so much
I want to be home

I'm sick of being here. I'm sick of seeing so much family
HOnestly, I didn't even want to come over to Vancouver in the first place, and frankly I'm sick of being here.



I'm so sick of it.


I need to do SO much stuff still before school starts up again, and being here just makes me so stressed out.


I hate my parents so much sometimes, and it only feels appropriate to blame them for everything, apparently.


I have to get some courses changed, and see where I am at forclaculus, I'm still deciding whether to just nix the whole idea of getting into that course.

I have a job interview
I haev to buy school supplies,
have to return my sides books
havea social life with friends, AKA get fuickig high, hang out with friends, and just have a fucking life that's not invovling around family.

people say that family is their number priority because they're aleways there for you, but hta'ts fuckign bogus, and a whole lot of horse shit.

myf amily has been nothing but negative and fucking pessimistic.
My friends are all I need in life, seriously.

fuccck, I want to loose at least 20 pounds, and tone my body.

I want to be healthy, and maybe not so embarassed anymore.

I don't want to be stuck in this weight gain experience that I seem to be having since ever.

I fucking binge, and want to fucking die right after I do it. I don't want to feel like this anymore, nor do I want to binge.

I just want to lose some weight for once.

I'm just scared, and fucking embarassed.

I finally learnt how to appreciate myself, and now I"m back in the fucking rut that I've always been in.

fuck 194?!

You Have Avoidant Personality Disorder
You have an extreme fear of the potential negative opinions of other people and that leads you to avoid social situations altogether. You feel inferior to other people and expect them to reject you. The worst thing that could possibly happen is being embarrassed in front of all of your friends.

You Have a Borderline Personality Disorder

You are unstable. Your relationships swing between intensely close and completely meaningless. Your sense of self changes dramatically, and the slightest impulse can send you on a destructive course of spending, over-eating, or drug abuse. Afterwards, you feel empty


kind of got my pin pointed

dude, lately I've been thinking about highschool

I'm just SO EXcITED FOR SCHOOL TO START UP!
because it's My last year!!!!!!!!!!!

it's this really excited yet really anxious feeling for school to end!
it's going to be sad, but it's going to be fucking insane.

I'm hella just letting myself go this year, because it's my lsat year, and I'm not going to see a bunch of these people after I leave, unless I go back to reynolds everyday to visit. -_-"

I want some drunknen mistakes or "baked" mistakes, you know?! I just want to put myself out there. Just to make a name for myself.

But not in THAT way.

God, I just want to get high before school starts up again. I want to experience it fully this time.
Last time was pretty much. Jessica gets high, and has to walk back to lisa's house right away, eat like a whole bag of chips and fall asleep.
god. -_-"

I'm so excited for the Winter formal, getting all dolled up.
haha .

BUt fuck, I want to lose some weight, and/or just tone my body so that it's not just all flabby -_-"

OR get hella lipo, hahaa.


It's sad to see that tiem is passing by so fast! It makes me anxious to think about it, becasue in no time I'll be 20, and that just freaks the hell out of me, because that seems like when I have to buckle down and be an adult.

Though, I know wehn I get to that age I'm not going to know the difference between age 18 or 20.

FUCK, next year I'm going to be 18. Isn't that wack?!

seems like it was just yesturday I was 16.
and/or just a coouple of months ago, but whatever.

It's freaky. BUt I'm stoked for school, hahaha.

PS. NOTE TO SELF, I NEED TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A COUNSELLOR TO FIX MY SCHEDULE!!!!!!!!

CALL TOMORROW!!

God, Grad is going to be so sad. I know I'm going to like bawl my eyes, it's just in my nature. hahah

I really hope this year will be the year Jessica finds herself a date, haha.
Or at least have someone of the opposite sex to bring to the grad dinner dance, or winter formal other than my brother or clint, haha.

-_-"
PATHETIC.
that's waht it is.


I just want to put myself out there. Get myself known for something, and not just "That asian chick who's friends with everyone".

I want to be known for being laid-back, and chill, and just likes to have a good time.
not as some innocent, and like straight-edge.

I want people to offer me a drink, and a smoke. IS IT THAT HARD TO ASK FOR?! hahah

whatevsss. it's all good for now.
UNTIL SCHOOL STARTS AND I HAVN"T GOTTEN HIGH YEEEEEEEEET, geeez.
WELL, there is always New years that I'm counting on.

depending if someone's parents are away or if I wound up at a partayy, hahah.

I don't know how I feel about getting high when I'm with Lisa, because I just feel really guilty.

becasue we're there together, becasue everyone else is getting high and just really messed up and we have each other to talk to and keep each other sane.
But if I get high I would feel bad becasue Lisa would feel like she's really left out, and my conscience can't take that guilt.

it would end up like last time with me appoligizing, a lot.
haha.

She tells me it would be fine if I do it, but I don't really think it would be.

I think she feels the same way about it when Mike does it.

And, I don't know why she hates Mike for doing it because she use to love seeing people get high because it was her entertainment, but ever sicne they're "going out" she like gets mad at him for getting high.

It's expected of him to get high if other people are. I'm not saying he gives into peer pressure or needs to be high to have fun but like it's how they are.

Fuck, I wouldn't mind joining in as well half the time.
Buuuut, again I wouldn't want Lisa getting mad at me.

I just hope I wound up at a party with both joce and lisa so that I would get high with Joce, and Lisa would end up having someone else to hang out with. Like Nicole wannamaker.




I just want to PARTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, and get high. It's not like I'm addicted or anything, but I just want to experience it again but for the fullest this time.

I want to be around other people and not walking back to Lisa's place feeling lieks hit becasue I think I was going to get caught by numerous people.

I want it to have a lasting impression in me.


fuck, I just want to get crunkkkked.

But also, I could get high like RIGHT NOW, if only I just expressed it a little more, and not get so intimidated when people ask me.

I feel like such a noob that time at Mike's becasue it was my first time with a bong.

But yeah, I just don't know how to approach it and I don't want to look EAGER.

I don't want to look clingy, and obsessive, I guess?
I dont' know.
hopefully it'll happen some time in the near future.


payyyce.

DID MY PROVINCIAL, and technically graduated early!!!!!! OH HELLS YES,
now I just gotta go in and make an appointment with the school. :)



WOOOOOT


OHH, Last night was GORGEOUS!!!!
I went over to Lisa's last night, to "study" haha, and we migrated over ot Mike's house, and played some Guitar Hero. Then an hour or so later Joe calls and told Mike that him and Kerry were coming over.
So we haulted the GH playing and made Mike show us his piano skills, pretty sweet!.

Then I seem something go by the windows and told mike that his family was home, but then I look at the window again it was Joe, and up came kerry as well.

I love that boy.

It's funny cause' I kept on cancelling Joe and Mine's hang out time, so when he walked in the door I said to him "SO, you've finally tracked me down" it was a good laugh for a second or so.

so then Joe was like "Soooo... how about a haircut, eh?!" I was like "fiiine... but get me some scissors"

so he found a pair, and we went outside and when we did Mike's older brother Mark, and little brother Joey, and dad came home froma family dinner thing. So it was hkind of awkward becdasue I thought Mark hated me casue' he never talks to me, but I was standing there holding the door and I just smiled at him and he smiled back and that was the moment when I knew he dind't hate me, haha. And we kind of talked as well, it was tiiight. haha.

So anywyas, Joe went back inside to get a chair cause' we decided that a chair would be nice to sit on. And I went downstairs to get my shoes on, and when I was gone kerry was like "Dude you're ACTUALLY getting your haircut?" werrrrrrd.

then I came upstairs with my sweet nike kicks, and kerrywas like "Those are some sweet nike shoes you got there" I was like "thanks, chekc out the holographics, hahah" and then we talked for a bit about how I got them and where.

sooo... Joe and I got outside, and I started cutting his hair like usual, 20 or so minutes later Lisa comes out and was like "Guess waht?!" me: "what?" her: "I BEAT MIKE AT GUITAR HERO" me: burst out laughing and just awestruck. we had a moment, all in all, hahahahah.

it was amazing.

Then Lisa and I talked for a bit, and she's ;like "Yeah I think Kerry wants a haircut too" and I started to freak and it was shocking becasue I had never talked to Kerry before. But we have hung around each other, hahah with the same people.

So Lisa goes back in and I continue cutting joe's hair, and it's starting to get dark, and Kerry comes out within the next 5 miuntes or so, and he came out to observe. Then Joe's like "how's it looking?" And kerry says "it's actually pretty good, and even" and I was like "THANK-YOU! THat's all that I care about is that it's even!!" hahaha... then joe says "So I hear you want a hair cut too, ehh?" Kerry" Yeah.. but I don't know... "

Joe: " COME ON, she's so good, blah blah" and like started praising me, and shit. -_-" hahah
Joe: "plus, she does it for free"
Kerry: "nah, I would make it up to you"
Me: "no way, you're trusting me with your hair that is all I want, haha"
Joe: "I've been getting my hair cut from her for so long she's amazing"

then I finished with Joe, and joe's like "So you up for it?"
Kerry "yeah, but let me go inside and get a towel first"
When he went inside, i was liek WTF?!?!? hahaha.

then came outside with a towel, and he had socks on and I said "your wearing socks? You're going to get Joe's hair all over your socks if you walk any further"

then he just shook it off and stepped in it anyways, haha.

me: "so how much do you want to be cut off?"
Kerry: " about an inch"

I could not even believe that it was happening
Here I am with kerry William's hair in my hand. IT WAS GOLDEN, not his hair just the moment.

SO then Joe decides to leave so a while, I started freaking out because I don't know what to say to Kerry.. my heart was beating so fast and my hands were sweaty, it was nerve wrecking.

I was os awestruck that Kerry William was even in my prescence. haha.

So I was just like "Sooo.... how's your summer going?" in hopes that he would respond, ahaha.

Then he did and he just told me about how he had just quit his job, and about why. Then I talked about my last two jobs.
Then I asked about if he was excited about graduating, and he's like "yes, but also kind of sad because I enjoy going to school, it's a good way to socialize, and learn stuff, and I think if I got to choose what I want to take I would enjoy it a lot more"

Then I asked him what he wantdd to do after highschool he replies "maybe going to college or university... and I don't want a desk job, so I want to get into forrestry or biology"

Then he asked me if I ever thought about doing hair as a career.. and I told him yes and that I want to get into business after highschool and open up a hair salon, and that while I'm doing business stuff I'll take up hair courses and do hair on the side to support for school.

it was such a GOLDEN bonding moment for kerry and I.
Truth be told for the most part I didn't even realize that it was Kerry William, I totally thought it was someone else, I can't remeber who but it was someone else other than Kerry.

But fuck, it was amazing!

I can't even believe that that happen.

ANYWAYS, after the haircut Kerry went inside to check it out, and I was like FREAKIGN OUT! hahah, I was SO WORRIED that he had ahted it becasue it was SO dark out when I finished his hair cut, AND we were right behind this big tree, so it was darker than most areas! FUCK. I was SO SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -_-"

He was inside that house for SO LONG, and it was because he washed his hair, what a cutey patooty. I love that kid, and when he came out Joe was like "So what do you think about it" Kerry "I like it"

A big sigh of relief like came out of me when he said that and I just wanted to maul him, hahahhahaha.

GOD what a moment.

And also when we were chatting it up He talked about how he liked his hair
" I like it a bit shorter but still kind of lengthy but not so big"
Me: "Well if I had my thinner with me, I could just thin out your hair and make it a bit shorter"

Him: "what's a thinner?"
Me: "it's like a pair of scissors that thins out your hair, and makes it a bit shorter"
Him : "oh"
Me: "well if you're even in my hood you can just drop on by, haha"
Him: "oh, where do you live?"
Me: "around the glanford area"
Him: "that's kind of far.. ish.. is it by tenzin?"
Me: "yeah kind of.. but a bit farther ... it's more by dan"
Him: "OH I know where that is"
Me: " yuuup."


IT WAS such an amazing night.
God, I love that kid!
And I defintieyl hope that it wont be awkward around him anymore. -_-"


What I'm REALLY hoping for is that when I'm near him and he's around other people he'll say "Hey, there's the girl who cut my hair"

or "Hey, she's a realyl good hair cutter"

I don't know I want some kind of recognition or acknowledgement from him, haha.

Later on we migrated to peter's house to wait for him to come home from work, but before we saw peter, lisa and I had to leave. And on the way out Kerry said "You guys leaving already?"
Lisa: "yeahh, byye"
Him: "Bye"

Me: "Later Days"
HIm: "thanks for the hair cut"
Me: "thanks for trusting me"

it was fucking ace.
hahah

I'm in one of those moods where I just want to cry.
but I can't becasue I'm surrounded by people and if I started crying like a madd mother fucker people would look at me kind of strangely.


P.S, I got into a big blow-out with my so-called Dad.
This past sunday (today is wednesday)
and I havn't talked to him since.
And, I am A-OKAY with that.

He tried apologizing after the church service
and it was fucking stupid
and didn't sound sincere

I ahte him so much,
there was so much more that I wanted to say to him but no human being in the world deserves THAT much of "Jessica's Anger" in one blow... Ig euss.
-_-"






fuck him,
and I don't know how I'm suppose to deal with him until one of us goes first.


fuck EMO
shit, it's like the only thing around still, and it's fucking stupid.
EVERYONE JUST GET OVER YOUR FUCKING SELF.


be fucking happy, and appreciate what the FUCK you have.

EVERYTHING is so fuckign materialized that no one has any appreciation for ANYTHING.
they act like they do becasue of the little infomercials about the ferral and poverty-stricken kids in Africa.

why don't you just do a whole FUCKING segment about Family and children EVERYWHERE who have the shorter end of the stick of wealth.

Why don't we just trade lives with them for oneday?!
you know why people don't do things like that? Because we couldn't last one day in their shoes


Little fuckign rich kids are fucking complaining about if they don't get to go to Europe during the Summer they'll fucking blow-up

SHUT THE FUKC UP.

shut the fuck up before I go through my television and fucking beat you up.




this is what happens to me when I'm at home too much.

I have my fucking license and I"m fucking home,
WHAT ID UP WITH THAT?1
I'm sort of excited for school becasue it gives me some sort of a life?!
but whenever it gets close to the end of the semester I start slacking, ebcasue I just don't give a fuck anymore

it's like wehn you're doing a 800m race,
you don't go as fast as you can when you start off the race casue by the end you don't have enough energy to finish the race.

That is what happens to me
I just give it my all in the first few months of the semester, and then when it gets close to the end I just don't have the engery for it all









I juts don't want to try anymore.
I am a failure


but next year I just want to get it over with
I want my grad dinner dance
and I want a date to go to it with.
But like that would happen.
-_-"


I'm pathetic.



I want to go to the gym more, but I'm so out of shape it's embarassing to do something like that
I want to go do aerobics becasue i have a free pass for one session of it
but most of all I want to join a basketball team
but like that owuld happenn because I'm so out-of-shape now.
-_-"


plus, I hate running for the hell of running

self-pity this is what I seem to do everytime I'm stuck in a rut.
I don't know how to give myself some self-love for some self-improvment.

self doubt are the only words I seem to know out of all the words in the english language.
it's becuse of the enviroment that I've grown up in
85% that's almost an A, how come you didn't get an A?


WELL FUCK YOU,
you dind't even go to University.

hella bad anxiety attack last week

fucking pathetic.
but it's my life.
:)


kskdsjkdsjklds


I just want to get high before school starts, but with the way I am lately NOTHING is GOING TO EVER HAPPEn.

fuck, I'm stupid.

Heavy weights upon my chest,
my breath is scarse, and choking only provokes weakness.

Where's the lullabies that children abides to before bed?
Where's the singing birds on tree branches?
Where's everything I have loved and have known?
It's off on a paradise call Eden.

So if I do so feel compelled to call out to you,
would you welcome me with open arms and a new life?






Skip-rope lies and hop-scotch alibies are your claim to fame.
Tetherball dances, and face painting massacres recreate childhood memories.
Scraped knees and cooties, facing life one age at a time.
Barbie doll wannabes and unkept promises is not a way to win my heart.
I am not one for false hopes and the hand tossed up in my face.


the skies held gray
like the tree timbering every chance they can get.
Becasue global warming is like cancer for the earth.
Fuck you semi-trailer-trucks and powerplants.


but who the fuck am I, when I don't give a fuck.






All I ever watned was to do well at what ever I wanted to do.
But "inadequate" is tattooed to my eyelids
and everytime I get up the nerves
after pondering and self debated for ten days
I psych myself out.

I pysch myself out.



Anger is in my blood, it's my genetic make-up.
my blue prints to the human being that I am today.
I light up like the strike anywhere matches.
I'm agressive in ways nobody wants to be around to see.

I have a fucking attitude problem, and I'm okay with that.

I wish I could just write like I use to for english


now, I rely on the free essays I find on the internet that gets me no where when it comes down for a test.


I fucking suck
I just have no motivation.

I don't give a fuck until I think about things like university and whether they would accept me or not.

I think they wont because I'm sucking at this english course BADLY.
-_-"


I just want to do well, and end up with at least a B in the course.
But it doesn't even look taht way rigth now.

everything has kind of built up for me -_-"
mainly the whole enlgihs 12 course


I'm fucking everything up with it
and I SHOULD be doing a lot better than I am, but I just don't give a big enough fuck that I want to do somethinga bout it


I'm fucking lazy, andit's what I deserve.

I am, no doubt, content with life.


though.. I'm starting to freak out about english 12 a bit more now.-_-"

I'm just not doing that great.
but I am at 84% and I'm pretty happy with it
I just dont want to be there when it comes around provincial time because I'm going to suck at the prov and will lower my mark. -_-"
but wahtevs. It's going to happen the way it's going to happen. I can always re-do it? I guess during the school year.
But that would be silly, i gues.?



michael got a job at the new restarant at uncle willies.
well philip got him the job.





my cousin and uncle are here from HK.
Her and I are not really clicking, as in we're not really doing anything.
I feel like I bore her.
And that she's just really bored here.

She's sleeping in my room, while I sleep on the floor in michael's room. on a mattress of course.

It makes things difficult becasue I need to get in to my room most of the time, but she's in it. And I've been wearing the same clothes for the last....... week or so? Well.. i've been wearing a couple outfits but switching back and forth, and mix and mathcing them up.

but it's kind of gross.
-_-"


and plus, all my make-up stuff is there, and my perfume, my deodarant, and I'm just stocking up a big pile of my stuff in miochael's room, which he probably doesn't appreicate. -_-"












hopefully, things will get better within the month, and/or week.

she has asked me to teach her how to put on make-up.. which I would love to do, but I just don't know how to intiate it, ya know?!


golllly.





Tomorrow is the fourth classroom session for eng 12, I'm starting to dread it all. but it's going to be worth it. I just wish it was faster pased. I'm just getting bored with it all. -_-" It's too prolonged for me.


lisa is coming over afterwards and we're playing some mad guitar hero, :) And she wants to meet Naomi, so hopefully naomi will be comfortable, but I doubt she will. She can't understand englihs that well.

but wahtevesssssssssss. I'll try to make it work.

And on friday, Lisa and I are going to the Victoria Event Centre, and checking out a mad sale. SHOPPPING SPREE? hahah, nahh.. I dobut there will be clothes there that will fit me properly. oooh maybe I'll bring naomi with me as well.
: )



yuppp, I'm pretty bored. ALWAYS lately. BUt it's all gooood.

I've been really motivated to sing a lot more with the guitar, and want to write.
But it seems like every time that I take like 5 minutes off from Summer School stuff to play the gitbox, I get this guilt trip like I NEED to be doing some work, or else I'd get behind, and it's fucking blowing my brains out.

ALSO, I can't write. I really want to, but everything I write down sounds like shit. seriously.-__-"

it's devasting, really. :(

also, I've been pretty inspired to draw as well, but AGAIN I get this guilt trip of the millenium. F THIS.



FUCK IT, I drew like a maddd mudder.

AND I think I've definitely improved on my shading skillls.
Thank God for pencils, charcoal and myyy fingers for smudging. :)

And thank God for the people on Nexopia, who would I draw without them? HAHAH.
It's creepy but HEY, they put their pictures on there for people to see/ use?, HAHA. it's all good. And I'm pretty proud of them. Except for one, she looks like an alien, but whatevsssss.

so last week joce, phoebe, daniel, simon and I went to Saltspring for our camping trip.
It was so much fun, though I really wish we had stayed longer!
But that would have screwed me over with English 12, so much.

It's a dillemmma, hahah.

But yeah we stayeed for two nights and three days.


Last monday,
I packed for like two hours with the help of my parents, tyring to find everything.
Then my parents took me out to dairy queen, and they told me about their experiences in the car that I"m driving..
And how they camped out in that car when they were younger.

That night I had to quickly do my english 12 assignment, and print it off for my mom to bring in to SIDES for me becasue I had procrastinated..-_-"

The next day, my mom worke me up at like 7 to tell me that I was missing something.. and then I woke up at 8.. and/or 9?

To shower, eat, do some last minute packing, and head out to pick joce up.

My car was almost fully packed with my stuff already in the hatch. But joec's stuff pretty much filled up the rest of the space in the hatch.

So then we went to phoebe's house at 11am to meet up with the rest of the crew to put teir stuff in my carr.

Afterwards they bussed and JOce and I drove up tot the ferries.

So Joce and I got there an hour early.

We talked and drank smoothies while we watied for the feryr.

On the ferry we found them.

After the ferry ride, phoebe rode with me, and they walked to meet up with us near by for them to get a ride with me to the camp site.

The car was pretty packed with their stuff, so we had to take out all the stuff in the seats..
they would get in, and then phoebe and I would hand them the stuff and they would have to carry it on their laps or wahtever..
ahaha and at this point I took off my N.
:)

The car was no doubt REALLY PACKED. I don't think I have ever seen it that packed before, haha.

And in the front phoebe had to carry my guitar and her back pack, and some other stuff, it was pretty wild, haha.


So there's one main road on Saltspring, and we followed that for a while to find our campsite..
but I just kept driving and driving, and there still wasn't our campsite.. so I just kept going until the end, and VOILA there's the campsite. :)


werrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd.


So we walked around for a bit to find a good one.

The one we chose was in the shade and it was indeed a good one.

When we unpakced and pitched our tents.

We noticed something... the tent Dan gave Pheobe, Joce and I to sleep in was a HELL of a lot bigger than the one I gave him and Simon to sleep in. It was pretty funny, and I felt bad.. ahha.

Dan's tent could fit everyone in it.

After we set up everything I drove everyone to the "city" to buy some food..
it was around an half hour drive?

the place where we were and the city are on opposite ends of the island.

(ps this was my first time going to saltspring)

It was a nice drive though. :)
And thank God it's only one road I had to take. :P

THat night we made fire, and roasted some marshmellows.

Then we all sat in the "girls" tent and did a circle story where everyone just said one word and it would make a story, it was suppose to be a scary story, definitely didn't happen AT ALL
but that's okay. :)


Second night, da boiiz slept in our tent, it was a camping sleep over, you could say, haha.

That trip was hella tight, haha.
And it made me feel a lot more attached to dem peepz.

At first I was kind of hesitant about it becasue usually I can't stand Daniel for very long, we tend to disagree and/or I just have this grudge against him..

but now I just realize it was so stupid, and I'm glad I've gotten over that stupid thing.

And our friendship isn't on a strain..

Though I wish I knew that Simon doesn't hate me, and/or thinks I'm annoying.

Cause' I just get this feeling that he's annoyed with me some times..

But then other times I don't feel like that with him.

I don't know.

It's complicated. ?

so I've been driving around A LOT and illiegally.
:)

it's been good.


I just need a job right now.

you're my comfort uncertainty.


Though, I wish I had meanings for one.
And only one
but this is only general, as if it were meant for someone,
and only one.

I keep seeing flashes of your familiar face, but I cannot recognize.

Stay put and maybe I'll find you. Like I've found my long awaited childhood.

Sing those lines to me once again,
and I'll pronounce love as if I never knew.

Hold my arms, and stand close.
So close that I can feel what you're thinking.

Tuesday morning non-sense fills gracious airs
with delicate romance.

If only this was meant for one,
And only one.
But this is only general, as if it were meant for someone,
And only one.

Taste my uncertainty,
Like bitter-sweet moments on calm autum days.

Liquidfied salt droplet stream out my glands,
if this moment were meant for woman
to denounce their power to their martial partners.

catch my grace, or catch my drift
I just wanna be beside you.

Decipher your meaning to me,
but with pre-cautions.
Cautions that holler VIRGIN, unsure.


Only is this were meant for one,
And only one.
But this is generalized, as if it were meant for someone,
And only one.

I GOT MY N YESTURDAY!
fuck yeah



I almost failed though hahahah

the first thing he made me do was parallel park and I failed it so badly, and then after when I was done he was like "go, we're going.. get it out of park and we're going"

and I was like FUCK,, cause' I thought he was going to take me back to the DMV, and I was like SHIT. -_-"




but yeah I didn't fail.
and at the end of the test he was like .... well if you did one more thing wrong then you woulld have failed but you didn't.

(H)


fucking right.

and now I'm bored at home with nothing to do.
Until tonight!!!!!1 wooooot.



but yeah Joce slept over the night before so she could come with me to my N test.
we went to timmy ho's at 7:30am so my mom could get picked up by her friend to go to work.



then later on dan and stepanie his cousin. came and stepanie had to go do her provinicial at 8:30 and so I had my test at 8:30 so we went over to ICBC. Dan and Joce waited for me outside.


after the test dan walked over to reynolds, and joce and I were in the car and I drove over and we picked him up. He sat in the back and I made him duck if the cops were in sight.

Can't believe I got my N, fuckign ridiculous.. it's liek I"m in a dream and it still hasn't kicked in yet.


dan joce and I went down to clover point for a nice cruise and afterwards went to beacon hill drive in, and had some ice cream. then we went back to the school at 10:30am just incase my brother called me to pick him up from his school... but he never did so we went to dan's hosue and waited for steph to finish her exam, and phoebe and simon to finish working on phoebe's movie.



when everyone arrived phoebe, simon and I were hungry so I drove them plus dan (but he hid in the hatch) to dairy queens for lunch. Joce and steph stayed at dan's house.

Ic an't believe the first day I got my N i drove illegally ALL DAY, ahaha. -_-"

at 1:50pm Simon and I had to go.. so I drove simon home, then I went and picked up my mom from worka nd drove her home... after that I went back to dan's house and we played frisbee at reynolds park.


I've been cruising. :)
it's hot.


Next week, phoebe, dan, simon, joce and I are planning on going camping, except that my englsih 12 onine thing is SUPPOSED to start next week, (depending if I make it into the course or not... ). HOpefully it'll all work out. Cause' I definitely don't want to miss teh first day. But the next two days would be fine cause' I don't think it'll get THAT busy yet.
And I'll be able to catch up. :P

AIIIGHT.




Tonight, Michael and I are picking my mom up from her massuse (sp?) and then we're going out for dinner. After dinner at 8:30pm I'm picking joce up from work, then at 10pm I'm picking devon up from work and we're cruising, and hangingout.
But I'm kind of afraid of getting caught by the police and getting my liscence revoked or something........ especially when I don't even have the REAL liscence.
-_-"




HOPEFULLY it'll work out!
But yeah, I feel pretty free.
Though really bored casue' I don't know what to do with my life right now, hahah. Just hella bored.






:)

I don't know what to say.

fuck.
fuckfuckfuckfuck.

I just don't know what's bothering me and I FUCKIGN HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS!

I acutally just want to punch someone in the fucking head. Or just get beaten up.

I just want to fight with people.

I'm just angry at the fucking world, because anything people are doing I thinkj they are doing it against me.

I take in only negatives.



I dwell in it.
I like dwelling in it, I like complaining, I love arguing.

But some people can't stand my point of view. Some people want me to agree with them all the time.


When I'm really quiet, that's when people should know that I don't want to talk or just be around them.






that or I'm just having a good time without having to talk.


facial expressions are usually a good indicator if I'm angry or not.

I just can't stand life sometimes, ya know?!

it's liek fuckign manic depression around my menstral cycle.

it's actually insane.


I can't wait to get out of highschool.
I can't wait.

I don't want to be around this. But I am. I just keep thinking that after highschool, a new slate. Start new... but that's not how it is.



that' snot how it's going to be like.
Everything's going to be the fuckign same.

I'm unhappy with life, and until that I learn how to deal with it and learn how to deal with my so-called friends.

And learn how to deal with not taking everything so fuckgin seriously. That's when life is just going to be going up.




I'm unhappy and my family is unhappy right now.



and who can I to blame but me?
I feel liek I'm the cause of the fucking rucus that's happening within this family unit.

My dad's angry cause' I'm a fucking bitch to him, and he's angry cause' he's malnutrition and everything is causing him pain, as much as he would like to admit it or not.

And throuhg that... he's loading it on to my mom which comes back to my brother and I.


I just wish taht I was in a different family sometimes. ...


but even that doesn't really make me feel re-assured that it would be different.

I hate this play pretend family that we have right now.

I'm sick of my dad lying. I hate seeing it and I just want to call him out on it.


But I'm also afraid of the serparation... but at the same time I know it's going to be for the best, and I know that I want it to happen.
The only thing that I'm scared of the financial support for this family if i does separate.



actually, I fucking want my parent to divorce. He's fucking abusing her in other ways than physical.


Psychologically. I just wnat him to accept her for the fucking way she is.



fuck I'm outie.

I argue a lot because I'm insecure, and need the re-assurance that I'm right.
I complain becasue I use it as silence fillers, but it makes me look like a fucking brat.
I cry because I'm frustrated or just for the hell of it, but it's rarely infront of people.
I laugh becasue I'm enjoying life and the people around me.
I get angry becasue I have an anger problem and just snap off at people.
I get really passionate about STUPID things becasue I love to argue.
I get depressed becasue I re-evaluate my "friendship" with people.
I get sad because it's near the time of my period.
I am emotionally destraught and I don't know why.
I hate my dad for no apparent reason, or for reasons even I can't even explain.
I can't commit to things becasue I get bored.
I can't commit to things because I think people are bored of me.
I get really annoying becasue I don't know when to shut up.
I sell myself short because half the time it's only ment as a joke, but the other times is becasue I didn't know.
I write really stupid things that sound depressing becasue I can, and it helps me just to get it out.

so I'm pretty much freaking out about the socials essays. that's about it.
oh and physics is bullshit.
hahah.

and fuck,
I can't believe I made it through the school year without anything happening between ross and I. This is bullshit.

fucking hate you.

I'm really nervous about my N test.
Lisa is way too positive for me.


I'm not that scared about my exams.
I just want to get them over with RIGHT NOW. I know i'm going to do pretty bad on them minus english.

but I've learnt to accept it.


:)

well this weekend was a gong show, and fucking pathetic.

And my mom tells me that I go out too much, fuck her.

and she asks me "do you NEED to go out? can't you stay at home?"

wel the answer is FUCK NO.

I get fucking antsy from beinghome all day, and it makes me fucking mad.

FUCK, I JUST WANT TO SPILL IT ALL OUT ABOUT YOU KNOW WHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111


I just really like him, and I REALLY wish he knew that.
I love how he's just him, and that no matter what he's just him.

He'll tell you if he disagrees with you. He has a backbone, and just doesn't always tell you what you want to hear.

I don't like him because he's hot. or has a hot bod. Simply because of his personality.

ANd I really wished that he likes me back.

Though he just really puts me in my place sometimes, and just really intimidate me? and just makes me feel really emabarassed, and I'm usualy not that easily embarassed, it's just him that does that to me.. like I actually blush and get realyl quiet, and that doesn't happen normally.

it's like the kind that's feels like you just got punched in the stomach and you can't really do much, but stand there looking like a fool.

but then there's those times that you just forget about all the bad stuff that he's done, it's not like you just forgive him.. it's like they're just COMPLETELY erased from your head, like they've never even existed. All because he just does something so sweet.

THat's also what I love about him. With 90% of the crap that he does.. it's all forgotten with the 10%.
God, I just wish he knew. I think I actually could tell him if I just spend more time with him alone. Just more alone time with him.

FUCK, it's actually driving me carzy, if you havn't noticed. And for like the past 100 posts it's been about him. I hate how I get so boy-crazy and so obsessive. it's scary...

But yeah this is like the closest that i've been to actually having a boyfriend, and it's not THAT close. Pathetic eh?

Oh and I re-read some of my old journal stuff taht I foudn in my document, and it was all about Tom., god, I remembre those days. -_-" I actually totally forgot about that time where he was a little jerk. It kind of turned me off and lost respect for him again. He was harsh, and he led me on. And fuck it.

Like things like that just don't happen to me, you know. Guys just don't like me. And nobody ever makes any acknowledgement, and it's like something people don't even think about.

Nobody EVER asks me if I'm going out with someone if they see me hanging out with a guy a lot. Nobody ever asks me if I like someone when I'm fliritn giwth a guy. People just don't think that about me, I guess. It kind of sucks.

It makes me just feel realyl self-conscious. And it makes me feel like it's becasue I'm not pretty enough, good-lookign enough.. and what not. It's silly but it's what happens.

Like if there's me and another girl hanging out with a boy.. they'll automatically ask me if the girl and the boy are dating, and the girl and I would be giving the boy equal amount of attention, or amybe I would give him more.. but they automatically think it's the other girl and boy are dating and not me.

Even though neither of us are.



OR,
people will just forget about me. It's true no matter how much people try to deny it. But I'm use to it, becasue I'm not that memorable. Unless they see me high or something.
Like the other day Lisa was talking to Mike about business at UVIC, and asking him waht courses he's taking next year, and waht courses he should be taking and waht not... and I'M taking business at UVIC as well with them, and I was like to mike "I like how she forgot that I'm taking business as well" and she's like "OH YEAHHH!! Sorry man, I totally forgot".


and there's bunch of other mometns that people have forgotten about me, or have just left me out.
Like on the band trip.. lisa and I stayed up all ngiht talking to liam bigrigg on the phone casue' we were pulling an all-nighter with him. And the next day and the next few weeks people were talking and asking lisa about how SHE was talking to Liam bigrigg on the phone ALL night long, and asked her if she was going out with him, and/or if he likes her and what not... and I wa slike "I was there too.." and people neglected that. So whateves...

Life story of Jessica.

it's my fault, I just don't put myself out there like some people. I just don't get recognition, because I'm modest. And that fucks me over, adn that gets me to where I am right now.
not content with life, but pretending like i am.

That's waht's going to screw me over in the end, life is not going to be long for me.

That's why independence is key for me, and it might as well be my mantra.


It's life I guess.
it's things like that that makes me get so worked up about the stupidest things.

I just wish lauren was here so I could tell her that I like Ross, and she'll go and tell him.. cause' she's a little gossip queen, but then for numerous of other reasons I don't want her to be here....


whatever.


it's how it's always been, and it's how it's always going to be.

is it nervousness that makes you laugh, or has your maturity completely ruined your sense of humour?

Sorry taht the tips on my figners tap out these words of facts on the keyboard.

sorry taht I always just want to jump at you and just mack out with you.
maybe it's creepy, but I'd like it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wish I had soemthig to do,
I can't wait until I get my N in a month! But the problem is none of my parents are able to take me there! so they are thinking about lettin gLisa drive me tehre in our car.
it's either her or clint.



I REALLY HOPE THAT I PASS! right now I have faith that I'm going to pass, but you just never know for sure, you know?
hah.

Naomi, her friend and my uncle are coming here during the summer for like 4 weeks. So I'm looking for summer day camps for naomi and her firend to go to (she asked me to) during her time here.






where's a blog entry withou the mention of you KNOW WHO.

oh and I got my snazzy shoes from ebjing, I LOVE THEm. they're rocking, haha.

I love sitting at my laptop and download a bunch of music.

Though it's probably not good for my laptop, but that's okay.. it's worth it I guess, haha.
:)




I wish I could spend more alone time with you-know-who.
I'm glad things are working out with Lisa and Mike, kind of. hahah. Well at least better than with "Sean".

I'm eating like a fucking african child that JUST got imported here from Africa. It's fucking ridiculous, and disgusting.

And my sleeping patterns have been way off.


I've been waking up in the middle of the night and it's just not that pleasant.

and I've been really depressed and just tired all the time, and I don't know why.
It's weird. and I've been realyl angry.


I've been taking naps, and have been just REALLY tired in general.
I dont' know why, and I would like it to stop.



And also the sun is making a lot more tired than usual.


I CAN GET MY N IN LESS THAN A MONTh! FUKC YEA.


oh and Mine and Ali's physic tutor WHOMPED. He showed up 15minutes late, all sweaty from biking int he sun, and didn't have a calculator or paper.


so he definitely wasn't worth the money we were paying him. I know I sound liek a fucking brat but my impression of people are based on first impressions, pretty much.

GOD, I JUST WANT TO GRAB THAT KID AND JUST TELL HIM. but that'll be fucking tramatizing, cause' I can't even imagine what he'll do if I did something like tha.t

like I don't even think it's TAHT obvious that I like him, but maybe he thinks i DO?! GOD.

WHY CAN'T I JUST NOT WORRY ABOUT SOEMTHNG FOR ONCE.
Why can't I just take my own advice that I give to people.
-_-"

sometimes I wish I have some sort of a love life.
or had one?


I hope I get moved beside ross in physics


and I found a tutor.

hopefully he's good.

damn it


I never get ross time.

god, compare to Lisa..

actually there is NO comparison to Lisa.. with Joce and them..
fuck they're not even on the same level as Lisa on my friendship scale.


They're fucking .. shit.

I just hate them so much sometimes..

they just don't get it.

so the last around 30 or so posts that i"ve done has been about you know who
but who could blame me right? I'm fuikcing obsessed, I jsut need to get it out! and fucking suck it up and fucking juust ask him out... like seriously it's so distracting............



hahah who DOESN'T know who!?



anyways, today phoebe and I did the whole grade 8 transition and giving them a tour aroudn the school..



it was good.
our group was talkative.



werrd

so I was readin g my horoscope in my newest Seventeen magazine, and it said sometheing on the lines of on the 17th on june ask him out cause' it'll be the prefect time


is that not a sign?

to bad I'm too much of a pansy???????????!

I love the support that Lisa gives me, and the hope that she reassures me about ross .

god, I'm so patheticcccccccccccccccccccccc

god, I'm such a loser.

all I can think about is him. It's stupid.


fuck, I'm not ending this year very well.
Really weak.
I've resorted to cheating in socials, I'm just sick of trying to remember all this facts. It's all Canadian history, I don't know.. whatever.

Physics, it's all just downhill for me.

I'm actually considering dropping it. I am not doing physics 12.
And I've decided that I'm going to get into commerce (business) so I don't need all taht physics or sciences. But I think I want to give chem 12 a try.
But whatever, I'll talk to a counscellor and find out what I should do.



I just don't have any focus left in me. Maybe I'll take advantage of this weekend?


I hope lisa and I will do eng 12 during the summer.

it's all just one big cram session now. And I hate it. It's times like these makes me want to drop out of school. I'm pretty sure I've said that before, but it's true.


And you know what? its all my fault though. It could easily be avoided if I just had a little bit more focus.


I actually think that I have a learning disability.

I know I have dysphasia, and a bit of add?, and some kind of focus disorder (so add).





shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.




I want to do well, but I should have done all of this in the beginning of the year.

ANd right now my life is full of binge eating, and fuckign gross.


I want to join curves but everytime I bring it up, my mom wants me to go to Commonwealth pool, but fuck that.


shit.

God rossy.

its funny cuas'e I think he thought that I was going to ask him out yesturdya?

but really I was asking him to hang out with lisa and I.


but whatever.

he's been hanging out with me today ;)


like in bannnd, he sat with me for a lil bit.
:)

and he looked through my stuff and he read my short story, and at first I didn't want him reading it, because things like that makes me nervous.


and he's like "Let me read it... I wont...uh..tell you how bad it is"

then he was readin git and was like "WOW this is a really long short story" but he still committed to reading it

and at the end he didn't say anything bad about it, and wa slike "he should have shot her"



but fuck.. it made me so happy.


shit. hahah

fuck, I just want to curl up in a ball and be with him.

it's all I ask, really.

adn on thursday, it was the dance.

and Mr Cargill was there,
but he was dressed really civilian like,
and a lot of peiople thought he wasa student,


AKA ME. and some others.



annnnnnnnnnnnd Graham, would come dance with me a couple of times.. like in a group wise, not just him and I (I WISH).. haahahah


I'm pathetic.

so yesturday in social studies, it made it clear that Mr Lewis doenst' hate me THAT much. hahah



we had a quiz yesturday,
and when mr lewis was handing out the quizzes,
I looked at it and said "AWW HELLZ NO!" and said it kind of really loud, hahah.

and he looked back and started to laugh at me. It was funny.

and he said "come on Jessica, just give it a try"

my life is SUCH a drama. It's like "A Million Little Pieces" or "Go Ask Alice" all over again, but with the the drug addiction.




WHY DO I GET SO OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE ABOUT GUYS THAT I LIKE SO DAMN MUCH?

It's actualyl kind of scary, but shiiiiiiiiiit. HAHAHAHAHAH.


I just want someone to take my seat in Socials, or Mr Lewis decides to make a setaing arrangement, just so I can spend some time with him.
Just long enough that something will happen.

I feel like I have enough confidence to ask him out, but just not around/near other people. No where that could be seen if I get rejected.

fuck, what do I need to do to get to him?

fuckign jump him?



like I think it's kind of obvious.. of all the attention I give him, and don't give him.

I think ti's obvious how I act around him.

fuck.


I don't like graham, nor would I go out with him if he asked me out.

I think.



Shit, I jsut want to call him up and ask him out. But that's silly, and he would be like "FUCK OFF" but not really.
shiit.
why am I such a little girl about it? Like fuck... it just makes me smile so much even thinking about him.

firckk.
Why can't I ever dream of him?

it's liek it's nto meant to be. But whenever it's just him and I, it's like a sign that it should be us.




fuckckk.,.. I'm fucking sick. shit.
God, I don't even know what I find in that kid. He like makes me feel SO embarassed half the time I'm near him. But he would make the effort to come nad talk to me sometimes, and ti's cute when he does. It makes me feel good inside, haha.
it's like for every 10 BAD things he does to me..he'll make me forget all about it with just one good thing.




so it's official. I like smoking more than drinking. Drinking doesn't give me a positive effect.

I had one of them sleepovers last night, for me brithday party.

It was a lot of fun.
Mike devine came, and it toight.






I really want these shoes


http://www.fitnessfoot.com/product_view.asp?id=1950

though I wish Ross would have assked me out, but it didn't happen
and that doesn't relaly matter
cause' I spent pretty all day with Graham, hahah
and I had some good times with Ross in social.

Graham is seemingly gettin gon my better side than Ross, but not really.
hahahha

GUESS WHAT?!


It's my birthday TODAY. werrrrrrrd

a lot better than I thought it was going to be.
but I didn't really expect much from it


I got a $20 gift card to HMV from Lisa, a balloon and a small flower plant from Joce, Devon, Phoebe, and Maery.

so I spent my birthdya lunch hour finishing a physics test. During it Jeff tried to call me and couldn't becaus eI rejected his call the first time. And then he sent me a text message wishing me ahappy birthdya.

so I went to phsyics and jeff was standing at my desk/table, and I was like "Thanks for the message, sorry I couldn't answer your call becasue I was doing the test" and then he stepped away adn was like "LOOK"

and on the desk was a medium slurpie and a card, it was so cute. hahaha


and a card from jake Mitchell, and melissa.

:)


it was a good day.


and so far I have $164 in birthday money. but $34 of it was for my report card.







I'm fuckign screwed for next year, hahahahhaa.

fuck, why do I go so guy crazy?! It's kind of silly actually, but it happens. I'm such a little girl about it all too.. -_-" whatever, it makes me happy and whatever works right?!



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


hanging dignity with nothing but self righteous self doubt.
Hating maidens, with working forces contriven.

latter days loathing lousy laments
while conscription crisis condoning compulsions.
and simple machines making malicious movements, making massacres meek.
Like singing song-nation sending suspicious soultastic sacrilegious saints to sell sacred spies.

If clouds are formed from one man's hands, then those are golden gifts of life.
Not tainted tongue twisiting fairytales told in thinned-out-tree-sheets stacked upon each other,
making a book.

Copy and pasted plagiarism, posted pages past present tense.
while hating heavens, with heavily hindered horoscopes.
So maybe false fake outs fade fast becasue feasting forrests of phatoms feed for faint festivals.

in the case that your blocked minds refuted the recognition of my liking to alliteration.
This is the point of which obvious point-outs come about.
cause' the sensation of it all makes it worth the while to tell you things that mean nothign to me in the end.

And to decipher dependent databases, dodged days that dig down dogmatic devices.
It deepen blow by blows, by babying back-street infants bellowing below blue bays.
Making meandering mornings merciful.

this birthday goodness will be THE TOTAL BEST EVER..
if a certain someone would ask me out, hahah
-_-"

so tonight
maery, joce, devon and phoebe took me out to dinenr for my birthday
which is on tueday

is was probably the best birthday anything I've ever had!
it's all that I really asked for , and I didn't even ask for it :)


Devon had baked me a cake, and they gave it to the waitress and at the end of dinner they broguth it out and sang happy birthday to me :)
it was the bomb

afterwards, they blindfolded me and dragged me to pet cetra to buy me a hamster,
but they were closed


it was hellla cute nonetheless.
:D

I'm glad I told joe that I was pissed off at him.

it just let off a big sack of soemthing, and if I hadn't I would have still been mad at him

and it would have made things a bit awkward for tomorrow, seeing that it's his birthday.

fuck it just feels good to yell at people.

and it just feels good to cry

is that sucha b igi dela?!


is it okay to not want to do something for my birthdya this year?

I'm not in a mood to celebrate anything.

i feel like crap, and I just want to cry all the time and I don't know why.


well actually I do, but it's always the same damn reason, and I just can't get by it.
It just fuckign hurts.



is it okay to make things heated all the time, and just make a big deal about some things.

I just can't take condescending bluntness from kyle garvey sometimes, I just want to fuckign punch him in the face.

he's so fuckign demeaning, and acts like a fuckign knwo it all, and I just want him to shut the fuck up. jsut fucking beat him up, fuck.




my self-esteem is pretty low as it is, and fuck it.




this birthday is one big obligation. I actually don't want to do anything, but what3ever

what I want to do is just go out for dinner with a couple of friends, but since a lot of people have been pressing on about the damn sleepover I feel obligated to have one.


caus'e ti's not as sentimental anymore.

like I"M actually not that good of friends with most of the people I will be inviting to it, and it whomps when that happens.

it's just fuckign stupid.


and to be honest, I never really have as much fun as most people do.

-__-"


mayeb I'm just one big attention seeker looking to have the light shawn on them every moment.



but wahteve.s


truth be told, i wish I could spend my birthday with ross, and/or graham.

that's all I really want.

I wish I wasn't going to Vnacouer tomorrow cause' Ross isn't going to be going to the Halocaust symposium so that I would be hanging out with him in Social Studies, fuuck.
I always miss my time with him.


Whatever.. I'm try to hang out with him in Socials or soemthing.

-_-"




Fuck JOe's been acting like I'm some fucking tag-a-long it's fuckign stupid and I'm pissed off..........................
what everrrrrrer..

With soul sides looking up and heart aches evaporating.
Only now it may seem that one on ones and victory marches have a core.
Say-it-out-louds and hazy remarks striked out, feets fast but words faster.

Crying in the somber,
cause' everytime I open my mouth, only hate crimes come out.

thick hearts with thicker exteriors, compensating for suppressive interiors.
Crystalline hate surrounded with fornicating young adults,
that disagree with society's regulations.

Even Hitler never conquered true love,
so take in positive reinforcements, and take-down the self defense.

Heaping love violence, that causes astronomical incidents that bypasses the concept of old fashion infactuation.

black and white are only shades, not a way of life.

fuck I dont' know what to do about Ross anymore.

I like him only when he's nice to me, but I guess that's how it's usualy is. right?

On saturday we were walking home with some other people and he had his arm around me the whole time and it was so cute.

and I had my arm around his waist.

I wish I could re-live that moment over and over again. I jsut want to hug him and jsut be with ihm.

it's fuckign corny but it's so true.

anwyays..

fuckk I'm kind of getting sick of that "You have a lot of potention jessica, your'e just not using it the right way"

kind of speech, but it's cute to hera it and it's flattering.
But it just makes me feel stupid that I"m not trying to do anything with myself.


Kris REALLY thinks that I have a REALLY good voice, and says that he is jealous.

Caus'e I sang him the chorus of my song taht I wrote and it was fucking nerve-wrekcing

and he was like "I just love your voice, but something is off about it.. like it's not wquite intune"

and in my head I was like "It's because I was fuckign nverous and frekaing out"


and he adviced me to get singing lessons and fix it cause' I have a lot of potential.

and my mom she would go against me in a millisecond just to adjust to my dad's likings.
this is what I have to go against in my household.

I just want my parents to like fucking croak sometimes, fuck.
They always wonder why I'm so fucking mad at them all the time
it's becasue thye're illogical, and unethical.

and not to mention fucking INSANE.
they ALWAYS want to control EVERYTHING, and if they can't they'll fucking flip.
Or they deny me the enjoyment of it.

It's illogical and unethical, but its their rules.
IT's fuckign stupid.

I defintiely can't wait until I have my N so I can just sleep at whoever's house whever I want.
or just get the hell out of this fucking insane asylum.


they're just so closeminded






but FUCK it. I'm not spending the night at my house tomorrow, whether they like it or not.
I don't want to be here all the time.


It's liek they think that MY GUY friends would ACTUALLY take advantage of me like that. It's fucking ridiculous that THAT would even cross their minds.
I don't know what kind of friend THEY had as kids but mine don't od that. Becasue there's going to be other people we know there and they'll do something about it if one would take advantage of me.


it's like they think I have no control of my body, and that I'll just let them do it.

FUCK...
it just makes me so mad and makes me just have this FUCKING ENORMOUS grudge against them.
not even them just him.




fuck.

I don't know what to do .

all I want to do is just talk about it, but I don't want to sound like an addict and like I want to do it right now.

But it was just such a funny experience, I wish I had stayed longer at mike's doing something else, instead of being in mike's room for 20 minutes then upstairs for like 10 minutes then walking to lisa's for 30 or so minutes..

oh well we're sleeping over at mike's house on friday, I might do it again, but right now.. I don't think I will.. but I think it'll be different at the time being, because I don't think I could refuse it.. well that and I want to get high with Joe.. werrrrrrrrrrd, but whatevs, only if it's offered to me again.

anyways......


it was pretty awkward at the beginnging of socials with ross and lisa staring at me.. and then graham walked in, which was awkward but I just broke the silence and just talked like usual.

Ross shook his head at me, but it was in a joking way.

then in physics keiran, was pretty awkward, we didn't talk much but that's okay.
But Andrew's like "you know I'll never let that go, right?"


but I don't care.

and I told Ali and she was so shock.. but I told her it was my second time. werrrrrd.



phuck




I just want someone to ask me out right now, I sound so desperate, probably cause' I am.
LOOOOSER.

it's all good.


It's a sad escape from my paterfamilias, and I guess it's a way to find a better male role in my life.

I don't know.. I just want to stop over analyzing EVERYTHING, and just LIVE life.. fuck.

I judst want to be able to do whatever I want without that damn guilty conscience of mine.

ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I guess it happens.


I'm so lame. And I am so inconsolable about nothing. It's stupid and it's just the way I am.
And I guess unless I'm able to figuer a way out to be happy without the comfort of people



and in my capricious ways I'm happy as fuck right now because Graham Henry just added me on msn.

oh and this morning I was still a bit high..

and I went to church and was like "FUUUUUCK I'M GOING OT HELL" hahahaha




and about ross. Fuck I wish something happened between him and I, but at the same time I'm glad nothing happened with him and I last night.

I don't really know what ot hink of him anymore. seriusly.
like he acutally makes me fell SO stupid sometimes and like an idiot.

but other times he could be really cute, and fuck he makes me feel so embarassed about little things.



shiit... why can't he just like me?

but I think I like Graham, as well.












fuuuck, i feel like they're going to think I'm so stupid becasue of all the pot i've smoked.. but honestly that was only the second time I've ever doen it. And I don't want them to think that I'm a pothead, becasue I'm not, quite francly. FUUCk, I wish they weren't there to witness that. I don't mind if they hear about it, I jsut didn't want them to see it. I was so embarassed to show my face to them afterwards, haha.


I couldnt' even look any of them in the eye.

I felt luike their respect for me lowered, fuuck. I hope they still like me, shiit.


but wahtever, I wouldn't have done anything differnet if I get the chance to re-do the night..
excpet for maybe get in some more ross time and some graham time.

HAPPY EARTH DAY.



yesturday was lisa's birthday party day.



But in the morning we had a band concert at the Little Leagues, so lisa picked me up for that because she had gotten her N.
Then we went to Tim Hortons.
afterwards she droipped me off at home
and went to work from 12-3

she told me that she would pick me up after work
which never happened, I waited for an hour an half
and called her at some point and then

she came and we drove around town
to get food from safeway
visit graham at his house to let him in on the downlow
then to commenwealth to talk to lisa's mom
then somewhere... then she droppedm e off at her house
while she go and pick up DANa


then we bussed from lisa's place and met Mike on the bus
on our way to the theatre to see Blades of Glory
Then we met everyone at the theatres, and pretty much got a whole row to ourselvces.
but john and harry ditched, fucking retards.
so stupid. but we got over that.


Then after the movie we all migrated to Mike's house because his parents are gone all week long.
It was kind of boring, and I felt so bad with lisa, because she looked SOO BORED!
fuckked.. but Dana was tehre and I didn't know how to react to Dana being there

becasue when we're at a party it's just usually Lisa and I.
So I just sat around and whatnot for a while, and occasionally get some water..
and at one point I got water.. and Dylan and Jarid was there.. and dylan turns to me and was like "Wanna smoke with us?... wanna have a sit down?"

and I was like "uhhhh suure dylan"

so we went downstairs.. and I etnered mike's room.. and was like

"woooah I've never done this before.."

And dylan just looks at me and was like
"YOU'VE NEVER SMOKED WEED BEOFRE?!" like it was the end of the world.

then I said "well I have but out of a joint once."
and he's like "WEll then I would have to teach you the ways"
then he went on and asked me how my first time was..

then him and jarid showed me the ways to smoke out of a bong.
God, it was embarassign I like ran out of breath, HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA
But whatever. It was fgood, and they mae me eat this really gross Mac and Cheese.

fuck, I was so high. hahahah

fuck.. Lisa came downstairs to look for me... and she was like

JESSIAC?! JESSICA?!

me: "lisa lisa????lisa? ""
her:" are you in the bathroom?"

me:" no lissa... I'm not in the bathroom"
her: *opens the door.. smelt the pot and slamemd the door and ran upstrais"


me: "LIIIIISA?! LIIIIIIIISA?! LIIIIIIIISa?!?!?!?!"

then I just put my head in my hands and was just like "LIIISa?! LIIIIIIISA?!"

and it went from that to.. "fuuuck... fuuuuuuuck... fuuuuuck.. fuuuuck.. fuuuck.. fuuuck"

god, I rememebr Dylan like fucking pissing his pants off laughing at me.

it was so funny.

Everything like felt like a fucking dream to me.

oh man, when I started to feel the high.. I got so scared. becasue there were some definite time relapses and I thought I coudln't remember things but I actually could though, it was weird.

And we walked home from Mike's and it was half an hour long, but I thoguth it was only like 5 minutes.. becasue of time relapes.. and I thought I was just dreaming it but then realtiy would hit.

haha, it was funny. some good times. First time ever experiecning something like that.

but I don't want to do it every time I'm at a party. I don't want to end up like dylan and kerry and them..
I like being sober as much as being high.

shit... I wish I wasn't so obsessive. It kind of freaks me out a bit. Becasue it's all that I think about.


more like.. he is all I think about .

it's kind of ridiculous.

fuck.

I wished that I had the re-assurance that he liked me.
I don't think he does.
But lisa is insisting that he does.
and it's throwing me off.

I think he doesn't like me because he isn't making any efforts really.
He's probably not even going to go to Lisa's party becasue he wants to get a shift.
And to me, that is not what someone does when he/she likes someone and knows that the other is going to be there.


fuck.
I think I shouold grab him and put him in a head lock and set him striaght,ahaha.

that'll go over well.




ps. Mr Lewis hates me.