sometimes I wish I have some sort of a love life.
or had one?


I hope I get moved beside ross in physics


and I found a tutor.

hopefully he's good.

damn it


I never get ross time.

god, compare to Lisa..

actually there is NO comparison to Lisa.. with Joce and them..
fuck they're not even on the same level as Lisa on my friendship scale.


They're fucking .. shit.

I just hate them so much sometimes..

they just don't get it.

so the last around 30 or so posts that i"ve done has been about you know who
but who could blame me right? I'm fuikcing obsessed, I jsut need to get it out! and fucking suck it up and fucking juust ask him out... like seriously it's so distracting............



hahah who DOESN'T know who!?



anyways, today phoebe and I did the whole grade 8 transition and giving them a tour aroudn the school..



it was good.
our group was talkative.



werrd

so I was readin g my horoscope in my newest Seventeen magazine, and it said sometheing on the lines of on the 17th on june ask him out cause' it'll be the prefect time


is that not a sign?

to bad I'm too much of a pansy???????????!

I love the support that Lisa gives me, and the hope that she reassures me about ross .

god, I'm so patheticcccccccccccccccccccccc

god, I'm such a loser.

all I can think about is him. It's stupid.


fuck, I'm not ending this year very well.
Really weak.
I've resorted to cheating in socials, I'm just sick of trying to remember all this facts. It's all Canadian history, I don't know.. whatever.

Physics, it's all just downhill for me.

I'm actually considering dropping it. I am not doing physics 12.
And I've decided that I'm going to get into commerce (business) so I don't need all taht physics or sciences. But I think I want to give chem 12 a try.
But whatever, I'll talk to a counscellor and find out what I should do.



I just don't have any focus left in me. Maybe I'll take advantage of this weekend?


I hope lisa and I will do eng 12 during the summer.

it's all just one big cram session now. And I hate it. It's times like these makes me want to drop out of school. I'm pretty sure I've said that before, but it's true.


And you know what? its all my fault though. It could easily be avoided if I just had a little bit more focus.


I actually think that I have a learning disability.

I know I have dysphasia, and a bit of add?, and some kind of focus disorder (so add).





shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.




I want to do well, but I should have done all of this in the beginning of the year.

ANd right now my life is full of binge eating, and fuckign gross.


I want to join curves but everytime I bring it up, my mom wants me to go to Commonwealth pool, but fuck that.


shit.

God rossy.

its funny cuas'e I think he thought that I was going to ask him out yesturdya?

but really I was asking him to hang out with lisa and I.


but whatever.

he's been hanging out with me today ;)


like in bannnd, he sat with me for a lil bit.
:)

and he looked through my stuff and he read my short story, and at first I didn't want him reading it, because things like that makes me nervous.


and he's like "Let me read it... I wont...uh..tell you how bad it is"

then he was readin git and was like "WOW this is a really long short story" but he still committed to reading it

and at the end he didn't say anything bad about it, and wa slike "he should have shot her"



but fuck.. it made me so happy.


shit. hahah

fuck, I just want to curl up in a ball and be with him.

it's all I ask, really.

adn on thursday, it was the dance.

and Mr Cargill was there,
but he was dressed really civilian like,
and a lot of peiople thought he wasa student,


AKA ME. and some others.



annnnnnnnnnnnd Graham, would come dance with me a couple of times.. like in a group wise, not just him and I (I WISH).. haahahah


I'm pathetic.

so yesturday in social studies, it made it clear that Mr Lewis doenst' hate me THAT much. hahah



we had a quiz yesturday,
and when mr lewis was handing out the quizzes,
I looked at it and said "AWW HELLZ NO!" and said it kind of really loud, hahah.

and he looked back and started to laugh at me. It was funny.

and he said "come on Jessica, just give it a try"

my life is SUCH a drama. It's like "A Million Little Pieces" or "Go Ask Alice" all over again, but with the the drug addiction.




WHY DO I GET SO OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE ABOUT GUYS THAT I LIKE SO DAMN MUCH?

It's actualyl kind of scary, but shiiiiiiiiiit. HAHAHAHAHAH.


I just want someone to take my seat in Socials, or Mr Lewis decides to make a setaing arrangement, just so I can spend some time with him.
Just long enough that something will happen.

I feel like I have enough confidence to ask him out, but just not around/near other people. No where that could be seen if I get rejected.

fuck, what do I need to do to get to him?

fuckign jump him?



like I think it's kind of obvious.. of all the attention I give him, and don't give him.

I think ti's obvious how I act around him.

fuck.


I don't like graham, nor would I go out with him if he asked me out.

I think.



Shit, I jsut want to call him up and ask him out. But that's silly, and he would be like "FUCK OFF" but not really.
shiit.
why am I such a little girl about it? Like fuck... it just makes me smile so much even thinking about him.

firckk.
Why can't I ever dream of him?

it's liek it's nto meant to be. But whenever it's just him and I, it's like a sign that it should be us.




fuckckk.,.. I'm fucking sick. shit.
God, I don't even know what I find in that kid. He like makes me feel SO embarassed half the time I'm near him. But he would make the effort to come nad talk to me sometimes, and ti's cute when he does. It makes me feel good inside, haha.
it's like for every 10 BAD things he does to me..he'll make me forget all about it with just one good thing.




so it's official. I like smoking more than drinking. Drinking doesn't give me a positive effect.

I had one of them sleepovers last night, for me brithday party.

It was a lot of fun.
Mike devine came, and it toight.






I really want these shoes


http://www.fitnessfoot.com/product_view.asp?id=1950

though I wish Ross would have assked me out, but it didn't happen
and that doesn't relaly matter
cause' I spent pretty all day with Graham, hahah
and I had some good times with Ross in social.

Graham is seemingly gettin gon my better side than Ross, but not really.
hahahha

GUESS WHAT?!


It's my birthday TODAY. werrrrrrrd

a lot better than I thought it was going to be.
but I didn't really expect much from it


I got a $20 gift card to HMV from Lisa, a balloon and a small flower plant from Joce, Devon, Phoebe, and Maery.

so I spent my birthdya lunch hour finishing a physics test. During it Jeff tried to call me and couldn't becaus eI rejected his call the first time. And then he sent me a text message wishing me ahappy birthdya.

so I went to phsyics and jeff was standing at my desk/table, and I was like "Thanks for the message, sorry I couldn't answer your call becasue I was doing the test" and then he stepped away adn was like "LOOK"

and on the desk was a medium slurpie and a card, it was so cute. hahaha


and a card from jake Mitchell, and melissa.

:)


it was a good day.


and so far I have $164 in birthday money. but $34 of it was for my report card.







I'm fuckign screwed for next year, hahahahhaa.

fuck, why do I go so guy crazy?! It's kind of silly actually, but it happens. I'm such a little girl about it all too.. -_-" whatever, it makes me happy and whatever works right?!



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


hanging dignity with nothing but self righteous self doubt.
Hating maidens, with working forces contriven.

latter days loathing lousy laments
while conscription crisis condoning compulsions.
and simple machines making malicious movements, making massacres meek.
Like singing song-nation sending suspicious soultastic sacrilegious saints to sell sacred spies.

If clouds are formed from one man's hands, then those are golden gifts of life.
Not tainted tongue twisiting fairytales told in thinned-out-tree-sheets stacked upon each other,
making a book.

Copy and pasted plagiarism, posted pages past present tense.
while hating heavens, with heavily hindered horoscopes.
So maybe false fake outs fade fast becasue feasting forrests of phatoms feed for faint festivals.

in the case that your blocked minds refuted the recognition of my liking to alliteration.
This is the point of which obvious point-outs come about.
cause' the sensation of it all makes it worth the while to tell you things that mean nothign to me in the end.

And to decipher dependent databases, dodged days that dig down dogmatic devices.
It deepen blow by blows, by babying back-street infants bellowing below blue bays.
Making meandering mornings merciful.

this birthday goodness will be THE TOTAL BEST EVER..
if a certain someone would ask me out, hahah
-_-"

so tonight
maery, joce, devon and phoebe took me out to dinenr for my birthday
which is on tueday

is was probably the best birthday anything I've ever had!
it's all that I really asked for , and I didn't even ask for it :)


Devon had baked me a cake, and they gave it to the waitress and at the end of dinner they broguth it out and sang happy birthday to me :)
it was the bomb

afterwards, they blindfolded me and dragged me to pet cetra to buy me a hamster,
but they were closed


it was hellla cute nonetheless.
:D

I'm glad I told joe that I was pissed off at him.

it just let off a big sack of soemthing, and if I hadn't I would have still been mad at him

and it would have made things a bit awkward for tomorrow, seeing that it's his birthday.

fuck it just feels good to yell at people.

and it just feels good to cry

is that sucha b igi dela?!


is it okay to not want to do something for my birthdya this year?

I'm not in a mood to celebrate anything.

i feel like crap, and I just want to cry all the time and I don't know why.


well actually I do, but it's always the same damn reason, and I just can't get by it.
It just fuckign hurts.



is it okay to make things heated all the time, and just make a big deal about some things.

I just can't take condescending bluntness from kyle garvey sometimes, I just want to fuckign punch him in the face.

he's so fuckign demeaning, and acts like a fuckign knwo it all, and I just want him to shut the fuck up. jsut fucking beat him up, fuck.




my self-esteem is pretty low as it is, and fuck it.




this birthday is one big obligation. I actually don't want to do anything, but what3ever

what I want to do is just go out for dinner with a couple of friends, but since a lot of people have been pressing on about the damn sleepover I feel obligated to have one.


caus'e ti's not as sentimental anymore.

like I"M actually not that good of friends with most of the people I will be inviting to it, and it whomps when that happens.

it's just fuckign stupid.


and to be honest, I never really have as much fun as most people do.

-__-"


mayeb I'm just one big attention seeker looking to have the light shawn on them every moment.



but wahteve.s


truth be told, i wish I could spend my birthday with ross, and/or graham.

that's all I really want.