I GOT MY N YESTURDAY!
fuck yeah



I almost failed though hahahah

the first thing he made me do was parallel park and I failed it so badly, and then after when I was done he was like "go, we're going.. get it out of park and we're going"

and I was like FUCK,, cause' I thought he was going to take me back to the DMV, and I was like SHIT. -_-"




but yeah I didn't fail.
and at the end of the test he was like .... well if you did one more thing wrong then you woulld have failed but you didn't.

(H)


fucking right.

and now I'm bored at home with nothing to do.
Until tonight!!!!!1 wooooot.



but yeah Joce slept over the night before so she could come with me to my N test.
we went to timmy ho's at 7:30am so my mom could get picked up by her friend to go to work.



then later on dan and stepanie his cousin. came and stepanie had to go do her provinicial at 8:30 and so I had my test at 8:30 so we went over to ICBC. Dan and Joce waited for me outside.


after the test dan walked over to reynolds, and joce and I were in the car and I drove over and we picked him up. He sat in the back and I made him duck if the cops were in sight.

Can't believe I got my N, fuckign ridiculous.. it's liek I"m in a dream and it still hasn't kicked in yet.


dan joce and I went down to clover point for a nice cruise and afterwards went to beacon hill drive in, and had some ice cream. then we went back to the school at 10:30am just incase my brother called me to pick him up from his school... but he never did so we went to dan's hosue and waited for steph to finish her exam, and phoebe and simon to finish working on phoebe's movie.



when everyone arrived phoebe, simon and I were hungry so I drove them plus dan (but he hid in the hatch) to dairy queens for lunch. Joce and steph stayed at dan's house.

Ic an't believe the first day I got my N i drove illegally ALL DAY, ahaha. -_-"

at 1:50pm Simon and I had to go.. so I drove simon home, then I went and picked up my mom from worka nd drove her home... after that I went back to dan's house and we played frisbee at reynolds park.


I've been cruising. :)
it's hot.


Next week, phoebe, dan, simon, joce and I are planning on going camping, except that my englsih 12 onine thing is SUPPOSED to start next week, (depending if I make it into the course or not... ). HOpefully it'll all work out. Cause' I definitely don't want to miss teh first day. But the next two days would be fine cause' I don't think it'll get THAT busy yet.
And I'll be able to catch up. :P

AIIIGHT.




Tonight, Michael and I are picking my mom up from her massuse (sp?) and then we're going out for dinner. After dinner at 8:30pm I'm picking joce up from work, then at 10pm I'm picking devon up from work and we're cruising, and hangingout.
But I'm kind of afraid of getting caught by the police and getting my liscence revoked or something........ especially when I don't even have the REAL liscence.
-_-"




HOPEFULLY it'll work out!
But yeah, I feel pretty free.
Though really bored casue' I don't know what to do with my life right now, hahah. Just hella bored.






:)

I don't know what to say.

fuck.
fuckfuckfuckfuck.

I just don't know what's bothering me and I FUCKIGN HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS!

I acutally just want to punch someone in the fucking head. Or just get beaten up.

I just want to fight with people.

I'm just angry at the fucking world, because anything people are doing I thinkj they are doing it against me.

I take in only negatives.



I dwell in it.
I like dwelling in it, I like complaining, I love arguing.

But some people can't stand my point of view. Some people want me to agree with them all the time.


When I'm really quiet, that's when people should know that I don't want to talk or just be around them.






that or I'm just having a good time without having to talk.


facial expressions are usually a good indicator if I'm angry or not.

I just can't stand life sometimes, ya know?!

it's liek fuckign manic depression around my menstral cycle.

it's actually insane.


I can't wait to get out of highschool.
I can't wait.

I don't want to be around this. But I am. I just keep thinking that after highschool, a new slate. Start new... but that's not how it is.



that' snot how it's going to be like.
Everything's going to be the fuckign same.

I'm unhappy with life, and until that I learn how to deal with it and learn how to deal with my so-called friends.

And learn how to deal with not taking everything so fuckgin seriously. That's when life is just going to be going up.




I'm unhappy and my family is unhappy right now.



and who can I to blame but me?
I feel liek I'm the cause of the fucking rucus that's happening within this family unit.

My dad's angry cause' I'm a fucking bitch to him, and he's angry cause' he's malnutrition and everything is causing him pain, as much as he would like to admit it or not.

And throuhg that... he's loading it on to my mom which comes back to my brother and I.


I just wish taht I was in a different family sometimes. ...


but even that doesn't really make me feel re-assured that it would be different.

I hate this play pretend family that we have right now.

I'm sick of my dad lying. I hate seeing it and I just want to call him out on it.


But I'm also afraid of the serparation... but at the same time I know it's going to be for the best, and I know that I want it to happen.
The only thing that I'm scared of the financial support for this family if i does separate.



actually, I fucking want my parent to divorce. He's fucking abusing her in other ways than physical.


Psychologically. I just wnat him to accept her for the fucking way she is.



fuck I'm outie.

I argue a lot because I'm insecure, and need the re-assurance that I'm right.
I complain becasue I use it as silence fillers, but it makes me look like a fucking brat.
I cry because I'm frustrated or just for the hell of it, but it's rarely infront of people.
I laugh becasue I'm enjoying life and the people around me.
I get angry becasue I have an anger problem and just snap off at people.
I get really passionate about STUPID things becasue I love to argue.
I get depressed becasue I re-evaluate my "friendship" with people.
I get sad because it's near the time of my period.
I am emotionally destraught and I don't know why.
I hate my dad for no apparent reason, or for reasons even I can't even explain.
I can't commit to things becasue I get bored.
I can't commit to things because I think people are bored of me.
I get really annoying becasue I don't know when to shut up.
I sell myself short because half the time it's only ment as a joke, but the other times is becasue I didn't know.
I write really stupid things that sound depressing becasue I can, and it helps me just to get it out.

so I'm pretty much freaking out about the socials essays. that's about it.
oh and physics is bullshit.
hahah.

and fuck,
I can't believe I made it through the school year without anything happening between ross and I. This is bullshit.

fucking hate you.

I'm really nervous about my N test.
Lisa is way too positive for me.


I'm not that scared about my exams.
I just want to get them over with RIGHT NOW. I know i'm going to do pretty bad on them minus english.

but I've learnt to accept it.


:)

well this weekend was a gong show, and fucking pathetic.

And my mom tells me that I go out too much, fuck her.

and she asks me "do you NEED to go out? can't you stay at home?"

wel the answer is FUCK NO.

I get fucking antsy from beinghome all day, and it makes me fucking mad.

FUCK, I JUST WANT TO SPILL IT ALL OUT ABOUT YOU KNOW WHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111


I just really like him, and I REALLY wish he knew that.
I love how he's just him, and that no matter what he's just him.

He'll tell you if he disagrees with you. He has a backbone, and just doesn't always tell you what you want to hear.

I don't like him because he's hot. or has a hot bod. Simply because of his personality.

ANd I really wished that he likes me back.

Though he just really puts me in my place sometimes, and just really intimidate me? and just makes me feel really emabarassed, and I'm usualy not that easily embarassed, it's just him that does that to me.. like I actually blush and get realyl quiet, and that doesn't happen normally.

it's like the kind that's feels like you just got punched in the stomach and you can't really do much, but stand there looking like a fool.

but then there's those times that you just forget about all the bad stuff that he's done, it's not like you just forgive him.. it's like they're just COMPLETELY erased from your head, like they've never even existed. All because he just does something so sweet.

THat's also what I love about him. With 90% of the crap that he does.. it's all forgotten with the 10%.
God, I just wish he knew. I think I actually could tell him if I just spend more time with him alone. Just more alone time with him.

FUCK, it's actually driving me carzy, if you havn't noticed. And for like the past 100 posts it's been about him. I hate how I get so boy-crazy and so obsessive. it's scary...

But yeah this is like the closest that i've been to actually having a boyfriend, and it's not THAT close. Pathetic eh?

Oh and I re-read some of my old journal stuff taht I foudn in my document, and it was all about Tom., god, I remembre those days. -_-" I actually totally forgot about that time where he was a little jerk. It kind of turned me off and lost respect for him again. He was harsh, and he led me on. And fuck it.

Like things like that just don't happen to me, you know. Guys just don't like me. And nobody ever makes any acknowledgement, and it's like something people don't even think about.

Nobody EVER asks me if I'm going out with someone if they see me hanging out with a guy a lot. Nobody ever asks me if I like someone when I'm fliritn giwth a guy. People just don't think that about me, I guess. It kind of sucks.

It makes me just feel realyl self-conscious. And it makes me feel like it's becasue I'm not pretty enough, good-lookign enough.. and what not. It's silly but it's what happens.

Like if there's me and another girl hanging out with a boy.. they'll automatically ask me if the girl and the boy are dating, and the girl and I would be giving the boy equal amount of attention, or amybe I would give him more.. but they automatically think it's the other girl and boy are dating and not me.

Even though neither of us are.



OR,
people will just forget about me. It's true no matter how much people try to deny it. But I'm use to it, becasue I'm not that memorable. Unless they see me high or something.
Like the other day Lisa was talking to Mike about business at UVIC, and asking him waht courses he's taking next year, and waht courses he should be taking and waht not... and I'M taking business at UVIC as well with them, and I was like to mike "I like how she forgot that I'm taking business as well" and she's like "OH YEAHHH!! Sorry man, I totally forgot".


and there's bunch of other mometns that people have forgotten about me, or have just left me out.
Like on the band trip.. lisa and I stayed up all ngiht talking to liam bigrigg on the phone casue' we were pulling an all-nighter with him. And the next day and the next few weeks people were talking and asking lisa about how SHE was talking to Liam bigrigg on the phone ALL night long, and asked her if she was going out with him, and/or if he likes her and what not... and I wa slike "I was there too.." and people neglected that. So whateves...

Life story of Jessica.

it's my fault, I just don't put myself out there like some people. I just don't get recognition, because I'm modest. And that fucks me over, adn that gets me to where I am right now.
not content with life, but pretending like i am.

That's waht's going to screw me over in the end, life is not going to be long for me.

That's why independence is key for me, and it might as well be my mantra.


It's life I guess.
it's things like that that makes me get so worked up about the stupidest things.

I just wish lauren was here so I could tell her that I like Ross, and she'll go and tell him.. cause' she's a little gossip queen, but then for numerous of other reasons I don't want her to be here....


whatever.


it's how it's always been, and it's how it's always going to be.

is it nervousness that makes you laugh, or has your maturity completely ruined your sense of humour?

Sorry taht the tips on my figners tap out these words of facts on the keyboard.

sorry taht I always just want to jump at you and just mack out with you.
maybe it's creepy, but I'd like it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wish I had soemthig to do,
I can't wait until I get my N in a month! But the problem is none of my parents are able to take me there! so they are thinking about lettin gLisa drive me tehre in our car.
it's either her or clint.



I REALLY HOPE THAT I PASS! right now I have faith that I'm going to pass, but you just never know for sure, you know?
hah.

Naomi, her friend and my uncle are coming here during the summer for like 4 weeks. So I'm looking for summer day camps for naomi and her firend to go to (she asked me to) during her time here.






where's a blog entry withou the mention of you KNOW WHO.

oh and I got my snazzy shoes from ebjing, I LOVE THEm. they're rocking, haha.

I love sitting at my laptop and download a bunch of music.

Though it's probably not good for my laptop, but that's okay.. it's worth it I guess, haha.
:)




I wish I could spend more alone time with you-know-who.
I'm glad things are working out with Lisa and Mike, kind of. hahah. Well at least better than with "Sean".

I'm eating like a fucking african child that JUST got imported here from Africa. It's fucking ridiculous, and disgusting.

And my sleeping patterns have been way off.


I've been waking up in the middle of the night and it's just not that pleasant.

and I've been really depressed and just tired all the time, and I don't know why.
It's weird. and I've been realyl angry.


I've been taking naps, and have been just REALLY tired in general.
I dont' know why, and I would like it to stop.



And also the sun is making a lot more tired than usual.


I CAN GET MY N IN LESS THAN A MONTh! FUKC YEA.


oh and Mine and Ali's physic tutor WHOMPED. He showed up 15minutes late, all sweaty from biking int he sun, and didn't have a calculator or paper.


so he definitely wasn't worth the money we were paying him. I know I sound liek a fucking brat but my impression of people are based on first impressions, pretty much.

GOD, I JUST WANT TO GRAB THAT KID AND JUST TELL HIM. but that'll be fucking tramatizing, cause' I can't even imagine what he'll do if I did something like tha.t

like I don't even think it's TAHT obvious that I like him, but maybe he thinks i DO?! GOD.

WHY CAN'T I JUST NOT WORRY ABOUT SOEMTHNG FOR ONCE.
Why can't I just take my own advice that I give to people.
-_-"