FUCK, I JUST WANT TO SPILL IT ALL OUT ABOUT YOU KNOW WHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111


I just really like him, and I REALLY wish he knew that.
I love how he's just him, and that no matter what he's just him.

He'll tell you if he disagrees with you. He has a backbone, and just doesn't always tell you what you want to hear.

I don't like him because he's hot. or has a hot bod. Simply because of his personality.

ANd I really wished that he likes me back.

Though he just really puts me in my place sometimes, and just really intimidate me? and just makes me feel really emabarassed, and I'm usualy not that easily embarassed, it's just him that does that to me.. like I actually blush and get realyl quiet, and that doesn't happen normally.

it's like the kind that's feels like you just got punched in the stomach and you can't really do much, but stand there looking like a fool.

but then there's those times that you just forget about all the bad stuff that he's done, it's not like you just forgive him.. it's like they're just COMPLETELY erased from your head, like they've never even existed. All because he just does something so sweet.

THat's also what I love about him. With 90% of the crap that he does.. it's all forgotten with the 10%.
God, I just wish he knew. I think I actually could tell him if I just spend more time with him alone. Just more alone time with him.

FUCK, it's actually driving me carzy, if you havn't noticed. And for like the past 100 posts it's been about him. I hate how I get so boy-crazy and so obsessive. it's scary...

But yeah this is like the closest that i've been to actually having a boyfriend, and it's not THAT close. Pathetic eh?

Oh and I re-read some of my old journal stuff taht I foudn in my document, and it was all about Tom., god, I remembre those days. -_-" I actually totally forgot about that time where he was a little jerk. It kind of turned me off and lost respect for him again. He was harsh, and he led me on. And fuck it.

Like things like that just don't happen to me, you know. Guys just don't like me. And nobody ever makes any acknowledgement, and it's like something people don't even think about.

Nobody EVER asks me if I'm going out with someone if they see me hanging out with a guy a lot. Nobody ever asks me if I like someone when I'm fliritn giwth a guy. People just don't think that about me, I guess. It kind of sucks.

It makes me just feel realyl self-conscious. And it makes me feel like it's becasue I'm not pretty enough, good-lookign enough.. and what not. It's silly but it's what happens.

Like if there's me and another girl hanging out with a boy.. they'll automatically ask me if the girl and the boy are dating, and the girl and I would be giving the boy equal amount of attention, or amybe I would give him more.. but they automatically think it's the other girl and boy are dating and not me.

Even though neither of us are.



OR,
people will just forget about me. It's true no matter how much people try to deny it. But I'm use to it, becasue I'm not that memorable. Unless they see me high or something.
Like the other day Lisa was talking to Mike about business at UVIC, and asking him waht courses he's taking next year, and waht courses he should be taking and waht not... and I'M taking business at UVIC as well with them, and I was like to mike "I like how she forgot that I'm taking business as well" and she's like "OH YEAHHH!! Sorry man, I totally forgot".


and there's bunch of other mometns that people have forgotten about me, or have just left me out.
Like on the band trip.. lisa and I stayed up all ngiht talking to liam bigrigg on the phone casue' we were pulling an all-nighter with him. And the next day and the next few weeks people were talking and asking lisa about how SHE was talking to Liam bigrigg on the phone ALL night long, and asked her if she was going out with him, and/or if he likes her and what not... and I wa slike "I was there too.." and people neglected that. So whateves...

Life story of Jessica.

it's my fault, I just don't put myself out there like some people. I just don't get recognition, because I'm modest. And that fucks me over, adn that gets me to where I am right now.
not content with life, but pretending like i am.

That's waht's going to screw me over in the end, life is not going to be long for me.

That's why independence is key for me, and it might as well be my mantra.


It's life I guess.
it's things like that that makes me get so worked up about the stupidest things.

I just wish lauren was here so I could tell her that I like Ross, and she'll go and tell him.. cause' she's a little gossip queen, but then for numerous of other reasons I don't want her to be here....


whatever.


it's how it's always been, and it's how it's always going to be.