I feel so stressed


I just got a call from Winerns today, and they want me to go in for an interveiw on wednesday

but I'm stuck here in Vnacouver

I hate it so much
I want to be home

I'm sick of being here. I'm sick of seeing so much family
HOnestly, I didn't even want to come over to Vancouver in the first place, and frankly I'm sick of being here.



I'm so sick of it.


I need to do SO much stuff still before school starts up again, and being here just makes me so stressed out.


I hate my parents so much sometimes, and it only feels appropriate to blame them for everything, apparently.


I have to get some courses changed, and see where I am at forclaculus, I'm still deciding whether to just nix the whole idea of getting into that course.

I have a job interview
I haev to buy school supplies,
have to return my sides books
havea social life with friends, AKA get fuickig high, hang out with friends, and just have a fucking life that's not invovling around family.

people say that family is their number priority because they're aleways there for you, but hta'ts fuckign bogus, and a whole lot of horse shit.

myf amily has been nothing but negative and fucking pessimistic.
My friends are all I need in life, seriously.

fuccck, I want to loose at least 20 pounds, and tone my body.

I want to be healthy, and maybe not so embarassed anymore.

I don't want to be stuck in this weight gain experience that I seem to be having since ever.

I fucking binge, and want to fucking die right after I do it. I don't want to feel like this anymore, nor do I want to binge.

I just want to lose some weight for once.

I'm just scared, and fucking embarassed.

I finally learnt how to appreciate myself, and now I"m back in the fucking rut that I've always been in.

fuck 194?!

You Have Avoidant Personality Disorder
You have an extreme fear of the potential negative opinions of other people and that leads you to avoid social situations altogether. You feel inferior to other people and expect them to reject you. The worst thing that could possibly happen is being embarrassed in front of all of your friends.

You Have a Borderline Personality Disorder

You are unstable. Your relationships swing between intensely close and completely meaningless. Your sense of self changes dramatically, and the slightest impulse can send you on a destructive course of spending, over-eating, or drug abuse. Afterwards, you feel empty


kind of got my pin pointed

dude, lately I've been thinking about highschool

I'm just SO EXcITED FOR SCHOOL TO START UP!
because it's My last year!!!!!!!!!!!

it's this really excited yet really anxious feeling for school to end!
it's going to be sad, but it's going to be fucking insane.

I'm hella just letting myself go this year, because it's my lsat year, and I'm not going to see a bunch of these people after I leave, unless I go back to reynolds everyday to visit. -_-"

I want some drunknen mistakes or "baked" mistakes, you know?! I just want to put myself out there. Just to make a name for myself.

But not in THAT way.

God, I just want to get high before school starts up again. I want to experience it fully this time.
Last time was pretty much. Jessica gets high, and has to walk back to lisa's house right away, eat like a whole bag of chips and fall asleep.
god. -_-"

I'm so excited for the Winter formal, getting all dolled up.
haha .

BUt fuck, I want to lose some weight, and/or just tone my body so that it's not just all flabby -_-"

OR get hella lipo, hahaa.


It's sad to see that tiem is passing by so fast! It makes me anxious to think about it, becasue in no time I'll be 20, and that just freaks the hell out of me, because that seems like when I have to buckle down and be an adult.

Though, I know wehn I get to that age I'm not going to know the difference between age 18 or 20.

FUCK, next year I'm going to be 18. Isn't that wack?!

seems like it was just yesturday I was 16.
and/or just a coouple of months ago, but whatever.

It's freaky. BUt I'm stoked for school, hahaha.

PS. NOTE TO SELF, I NEED TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A COUNSELLOR TO FIX MY SCHEDULE!!!!!!!!

CALL TOMORROW!!

God, Grad is going to be so sad. I know I'm going to like bawl my eyes, it's just in my nature. hahah

I really hope this year will be the year Jessica finds herself a date, haha.
Or at least have someone of the opposite sex to bring to the grad dinner dance, or winter formal other than my brother or clint, haha.

-_-"
PATHETIC.
that's waht it is.


I just want to put myself out there. Get myself known for something, and not just "That asian chick who's friends with everyone".

I want to be known for being laid-back, and chill, and just likes to have a good time.
not as some innocent, and like straight-edge.

I want people to offer me a drink, and a smoke. IS IT THAT HARD TO ASK FOR?! hahah

whatevsss. it's all good for now.
UNTIL SCHOOL STARTS AND I HAVN"T GOTTEN HIGH YEEEEEEEEET, geeez.
WELL, there is always New years that I'm counting on.

depending if someone's parents are away or if I wound up at a partayy, hahah.

I don't know how I feel about getting high when I'm with Lisa, because I just feel really guilty.

becasue we're there together, becasue everyone else is getting high and just really messed up and we have each other to talk to and keep each other sane.
But if I get high I would feel bad becasue Lisa would feel like she's really left out, and my conscience can't take that guilt.

it would end up like last time with me appoligizing, a lot.
haha.

She tells me it would be fine if I do it, but I don't really think it would be.

I think she feels the same way about it when Mike does it.

And, I don't know why she hates Mike for doing it because she use to love seeing people get high because it was her entertainment, but ever sicne they're "going out" she like gets mad at him for getting high.

It's expected of him to get high if other people are. I'm not saying he gives into peer pressure or needs to be high to have fun but like it's how they are.

Fuck, I wouldn't mind joining in as well half the time.
Buuuut, again I wouldn't want Lisa getting mad at me.

I just hope I wound up at a party with both joce and lisa so that I would get high with Joce, and Lisa would end up having someone else to hang out with. Like Nicole wannamaker.




I just want to PARTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, and get high. It's not like I'm addicted or anything, but I just want to experience it again but for the fullest this time.

I want to be around other people and not walking back to Lisa's place feeling lieks hit becasue I think I was going to get caught by numerous people.

I want it to have a lasting impression in me.


fuck, I just want to get crunkkkked.

But also, I could get high like RIGHT NOW, if only I just expressed it a little more, and not get so intimidated when people ask me.

I feel like such a noob that time at Mike's becasue it was my first time with a bong.

But yeah, I just don't know how to approach it and I don't want to look EAGER.

I don't want to look clingy, and obsessive, I guess?
I dont' know.
hopefully it'll happen some time in the near future.


payyyce.

DID MY PROVINCIAL, and technically graduated early!!!!!! OH HELLS YES,
now I just gotta go in and make an appointment with the school. :)



WOOOOOT


OHH, Last night was GORGEOUS!!!!
I went over to Lisa's last night, to "study" haha, and we migrated over ot Mike's house, and played some Guitar Hero. Then an hour or so later Joe calls and told Mike that him and Kerry were coming over.
So we haulted the GH playing and made Mike show us his piano skills, pretty sweet!.

Then I seem something go by the windows and told mike that his family was home, but then I look at the window again it was Joe, and up came kerry as well.

I love that boy.

It's funny cause' I kept on cancelling Joe and Mine's hang out time, so when he walked in the door I said to him "SO, you've finally tracked me down" it was a good laugh for a second or so.

so then Joe was like "Soooo... how about a haircut, eh?!" I was like "fiiine... but get me some scissors"

so he found a pair, and we went outside and when we did Mike's older brother Mark, and little brother Joey, and dad came home froma family dinner thing. So it was hkind of awkward becdasue I thought Mark hated me casue' he never talks to me, but I was standing there holding the door and I just smiled at him and he smiled back and that was the moment when I knew he dind't hate me, haha. And we kind of talked as well, it was tiiight. haha.

So anywyas, Joe went back inside to get a chair cause' we decided that a chair would be nice to sit on. And I went downstairs to get my shoes on, and when I was gone kerry was like "Dude you're ACTUALLY getting your haircut?" werrrrrrd.

then I came upstairs with my sweet nike kicks, and kerrywas like "Those are some sweet nike shoes you got there" I was like "thanks, chekc out the holographics, hahah" and then we talked for a bit about how I got them and where.

sooo... Joe and I got outside, and I started cutting his hair like usual, 20 or so minutes later Lisa comes out and was like "Guess waht?!" me: "what?" her: "I BEAT MIKE AT GUITAR HERO" me: burst out laughing and just awestruck. we had a moment, all in all, hahahahah.

it was amazing.

Then Lisa and I talked for a bit, and she's ;like "Yeah I think Kerry wants a haircut too" and I started to freak and it was shocking becasue I had never talked to Kerry before. But we have hung around each other, hahah with the same people.

So Lisa goes back in and I continue cutting joe's hair, and it's starting to get dark, and Kerry comes out within the next 5 miuntes or so, and he came out to observe. Then Joe's like "how's it looking?" And kerry says "it's actually pretty good, and even" and I was like "THANK-YOU! THat's all that I care about is that it's even!!" hahaha... then joe says "So I hear you want a hair cut too, ehh?" Kerry" Yeah.. but I don't know... "

Joe: " COME ON, she's so good, blah blah" and like started praising me, and shit. -_-" hahah
Joe: "plus, she does it for free"
Kerry: "nah, I would make it up to you"
Me: "no way, you're trusting me with your hair that is all I want, haha"
Joe: "I've been getting my hair cut from her for so long she's amazing"

then I finished with Joe, and joe's like "So you up for it?"
Kerry "yeah, but let me go inside and get a towel first"
When he went inside, i was liek WTF?!?!? hahaha.

then came outside with a towel, and he had socks on and I said "your wearing socks? You're going to get Joe's hair all over your socks if you walk any further"

then he just shook it off and stepped in it anyways, haha.

me: "so how much do you want to be cut off?"
Kerry: " about an inch"

I could not even believe that it was happening
Here I am with kerry William's hair in my hand. IT WAS GOLDEN, not his hair just the moment.

SO then Joe decides to leave so a while, I started freaking out because I don't know what to say to Kerry.. my heart was beating so fast and my hands were sweaty, it was nerve wrecking.

I was os awestruck that Kerry William was even in my prescence. haha.

So I was just like "Sooo.... how's your summer going?" in hopes that he would respond, ahaha.

Then he did and he just told me about how he had just quit his job, and about why. Then I talked about my last two jobs.
Then I asked about if he was excited about graduating, and he's like "yes, but also kind of sad because I enjoy going to school, it's a good way to socialize, and learn stuff, and I think if I got to choose what I want to take I would enjoy it a lot more"

Then I asked him what he wantdd to do after highschool he replies "maybe going to college or university... and I don't want a desk job, so I want to get into forrestry or biology"

Then he asked me if I ever thought about doing hair as a career.. and I told him yes and that I want to get into business after highschool and open up a hair salon, and that while I'm doing business stuff I'll take up hair courses and do hair on the side to support for school.

it was such a GOLDEN bonding moment for kerry and I.
Truth be told for the most part I didn't even realize that it was Kerry William, I totally thought it was someone else, I can't remeber who but it was someone else other than Kerry.

But fuck, it was amazing!

I can't even believe that that happen.

ANYWAYS, after the haircut Kerry went inside to check it out, and I was like FREAKIGN OUT! hahah, I was SO WORRIED that he had ahted it becasue it was SO dark out when I finished his hair cut, AND we were right behind this big tree, so it was darker than most areas! FUCK. I was SO SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -_-"

He was inside that house for SO LONG, and it was because he washed his hair, what a cutey patooty. I love that kid, and when he came out Joe was like "So what do you think about it" Kerry "I like it"

A big sigh of relief like came out of me when he said that and I just wanted to maul him, hahahhahaha.

GOD what a moment.

And also when we were chatting it up He talked about how he liked his hair
" I like it a bit shorter but still kind of lengthy but not so big"
Me: "Well if I had my thinner with me, I could just thin out your hair and make it a bit shorter"

Him: "what's a thinner?"
Me: "it's like a pair of scissors that thins out your hair, and makes it a bit shorter"
Him : "oh"
Me: "well if you're even in my hood you can just drop on by, haha"
Him: "oh, where do you live?"
Me: "around the glanford area"
Him: "that's kind of far.. ish.. is it by tenzin?"
Me: "yeah kind of.. but a bit farther ... it's more by dan"
Him: "OH I know where that is"
Me: " yuuup."


IT WAS such an amazing night.
God, I love that kid!
And I defintieyl hope that it wont be awkward around him anymore. -_-"


What I'm REALLY hoping for is that when I'm near him and he's around other people he'll say "Hey, there's the girl who cut my hair"

or "Hey, she's a realyl good hair cutter"

I don't know I want some kind of recognition or acknowledgement from him, haha.

Later on we migrated to peter's house to wait for him to come home from work, but before we saw peter, lisa and I had to leave. And on the way out Kerry said "You guys leaving already?"
Lisa: "yeahh, byye"
Him: "Bye"

Me: "Later Days"
HIm: "thanks for the hair cut"
Me: "thanks for trusting me"

it was fucking ace.
hahah

I'm in one of those moods where I just want to cry.
but I can't becasue I'm surrounded by people and if I started crying like a madd mother fucker people would look at me kind of strangely.


P.S, I got into a big blow-out with my so-called Dad.
This past sunday (today is wednesday)
and I havn't talked to him since.
And, I am A-OKAY with that.

He tried apologizing after the church service
and it was fucking stupid
and didn't sound sincere

I ahte him so much,
there was so much more that I wanted to say to him but no human being in the world deserves THAT much of "Jessica's Anger" in one blow... Ig euss.
-_-"






fuck him,
and I don't know how I'm suppose to deal with him until one of us goes first.


fuck EMO
shit, it's like the only thing around still, and it's fucking stupid.
EVERYONE JUST GET OVER YOUR FUCKING SELF.


be fucking happy, and appreciate what the FUCK you have.

EVERYTHING is so fuckign materialized that no one has any appreciation for ANYTHING.
they act like they do becasue of the little infomercials about the ferral and poverty-stricken kids in Africa.

why don't you just do a whole FUCKING segment about Family and children EVERYWHERE who have the shorter end of the stick of wealth.

Why don't we just trade lives with them for oneday?!
you know why people don't do things like that? Because we couldn't last one day in their shoes


Little fuckign rich kids are fucking complaining about if they don't get to go to Europe during the Summer they'll fucking blow-up

SHUT THE FUKC UP.

shut the fuck up before I go through my television and fucking beat you up.




this is what happens to me when I'm at home too much.

I have my fucking license and I"m fucking home,
WHAT ID UP WITH THAT?1
I'm sort of excited for school becasue it gives me some sort of a life?!
but whenever it gets close to the end of the semester I start slacking, ebcasue I just don't give a fuck anymore

it's like wehn you're doing a 800m race,
you don't go as fast as you can when you start off the race casue by the end you don't have enough energy to finish the race.

That is what happens to me
I just give it my all in the first few months of the semester, and then when it gets close to the end I just don't have the engery for it all









I juts don't want to try anymore.
I am a failure


but next year I just want to get it over with
I want my grad dinner dance
and I want a date to go to it with.
But like that would happen.
-_-"


I'm pathetic.



I want to go to the gym more, but I'm so out of shape it's embarassing to do something like that
I want to go do aerobics becasue i have a free pass for one session of it
but most of all I want to join a basketball team
but like that owuld happenn because I'm so out-of-shape now.
-_-"


plus, I hate running for the hell of running

self-pity this is what I seem to do everytime I'm stuck in a rut.
I don't know how to give myself some self-love for some self-improvment.

self doubt are the only words I seem to know out of all the words in the english language.
it's becuse of the enviroment that I've grown up in
85% that's almost an A, how come you didn't get an A?


WELL FUCK YOU,
you dind't even go to University.

hella bad anxiety attack last week

fucking pathetic.
but it's my life.
:)


kskdsjkdsjklds


I just want to get high before school starts, but with the way I am lately NOTHING is GOING TO EVER HAPPEn.

fuck, I'm stupid.

Heavy weights upon my chest,
my breath is scarse, and choking only provokes weakness.

Where's the lullabies that children abides to before bed?
Where's the singing birds on tree branches?
Where's everything I have loved and have known?
It's off on a paradise call Eden.

So if I do so feel compelled to call out to you,
would you welcome me with open arms and a new life?






Skip-rope lies and hop-scotch alibies are your claim to fame.
Tetherball dances, and face painting massacres recreate childhood memories.
Scraped knees and cooties, facing life one age at a time.
Barbie doll wannabes and unkept promises is not a way to win my heart.
I am not one for false hopes and the hand tossed up in my face.


the skies held gray
like the tree timbering every chance they can get.
Becasue global warming is like cancer for the earth.
Fuck you semi-trailer-trucks and powerplants.


but who the fuck am I, when I don't give a fuck.






All I ever watned was to do well at what ever I wanted to do.
But "inadequate" is tattooed to my eyelids
and everytime I get up the nerves
after pondering and self debated for ten days
I psych myself out.

I pysch myself out.



Anger is in my blood, it's my genetic make-up.
my blue prints to the human being that I am today.
I light up like the strike anywhere matches.
I'm agressive in ways nobody wants to be around to see.

I have a fucking attitude problem, and I'm okay with that.

I wish I could just write like I use to for english


now, I rely on the free essays I find on the internet that gets me no where when it comes down for a test.


I fucking suck
I just have no motivation.

I don't give a fuck until I think about things like university and whether they would accept me or not.

I think they wont because I'm sucking at this english course BADLY.
-_-"


I just want to do well, and end up with at least a B in the course.
But it doesn't even look taht way rigth now.

everything has kind of built up for me -_-"
mainly the whole enlgihs 12 course


I'm fucking everything up with it
and I SHOULD be doing a lot better than I am, but I just don't give a big enough fuck that I want to do somethinga bout it


I'm fucking lazy, andit's what I deserve.