so I REALLY want to go to the gym, and tone my body.
I want to be healthy, and fit.

and I really want to go try out the aerobics, but I'm fucking nervous, and embarassed?

I just get so down about my look.
I've actually developed this way of thinking that boys don't like me because I'm bigger than most girls my age, and that I'm not as pretty as them.

I wish someone knew what I was thinking and would listen to me. But I don't want ot share this wish any one of my friends because it's fucking stupid.

I just get so depressed about things like this.

about my weight, and boyfriends, and shit like this. But it's not like I'm doing anything to fix it.

I always say, this year I'm jsut going to let myself go, but fuck all happens.

or I always say I'm gooing to lose at least 5 pounds this year.

but Ig ain like 10 instead.

I do nothing, because I mourn in self pity.

I WANT TO DO SOMETHING BUT I'M JUST TOO FUCKING EMBARASSED TO DO ANYTHING.

I push myself too hard when I do things like go to the gym, and I get all these notions that I have to prove myself to the person beside or near me, and that I think that everyone in the room is judging me, and that I have to prove something of myself.

I can't enjoy my time at the gym, becasue I think everyone is staring at me, and thinking to themselves about how fat I am.

and I just give in to these notions.

I just give in.

and they win.