got my second tattoo on Decemeber 19th, 2008.

i loooooooove it. it stillhas some things to be added on to it, but it's siiiiick right now. haha


TATS

What is your full name?
Jessica Quon Yau Leung

When were you born?
Tuesday, May 8, 1990 at 12:30am.

Is your birthday on a holiday?
it's on Mother's Day sometimes.. ;)

How old do people usually think you are?
20, 21

What do you like about yourself?
I'm not a flake, i'll always be there for my friends no matter what time of day/night it is, i'm loyal, i have good luck with bad luck, I generally like everyone until they give me a reason not to, i don't need a lot of sleep

What don't you like about yourself?
I procrastinate way too much, i tend to not care much about things but always end up stressing about it anyways, i'm very indecisive, i worry too much, i'm too safe, i'm very impetuous, overly emotional sometimes, I have really bad hearing, I'm too contrived, i need a lot of reassurance, and lately my memory has been pretty bad as well.

What are some things that people wouldn't know about you just by looking at you?
I spat a taxi driver once when I was a wee one, I can speak Cantonese (and no, i'm not going to say something in cantonese for you right now), i've very unorganized, i like working

What is your horoscope, and are you anything like it?
Taurus, and yes, i'm very stubborn.

What are you most recognized for?
well back at Reynolds I guess i was known for cutting hair in the school's parking lot. Now-a-days I'm not too sure.. probably for skipping marketing, ahha.

What's one thing you want others to know about you?
uhhhhhh...... umm, I'm far-sighted? haha. I don't know.

What are your talents?
I can play about 9 different instruments, i cut/style/dye mine and other's hair, I tend to say things at the worst time possible, annd recognizing faces and sometimes names too, gotta love those grandmother cells, haha.

How tall are you?
I'm 5'5.5" I pride myself on the .5 thank-you very much. haha.

Do you like your height?
I'm a-okay with it. though a little taller would be nice.

Are you more left brain or right brain oriented?
left brain in the way that I'm logical, and detail oriented; but right brain in the way that I love art, and i'm very impetuous.. i'm probably more right brain though.

Would you rather be catatonic or have tourettes?
ummmmm.. probably catatonic, seeing that I don't want to end up like that tourettes guy on youtube, hah.

What are your views on religion?
I'm pretty open minded, until people try to press it on me.

Darwinism, or Creationism?
oh god, haha. comparative civilizations 12 whaaat? haha. i don't really know.. probably darwinism, but only to some extent, can't it be both? As far as morals go, not darwin. Yeah the whole survival of the fittest concept is dandy and all, buuut it's not really moral. In order to be civilised there needs to be a moral law, and that moral law is defined by, dare I say it? the ten commandments. Well at least 7 of the 10.

What do you never want to experience?
chaffing haha, having my wisdom teeth removed, annnnd giving birth to octuplets.

What are your guilty pleasures?
kanye west, haha. I hate him, but i like some of his music. Also chick flicks, haha.

What do you hate?
flakes, being belittled, being nagged/babied, stress, victoria.

What time did you go to bed last night?
4am

how come?
too much was on my mind/couldn't fall asleep.

Who did you fight with last?
verbally? probably dan chow.. i havn't fought physically in a while, and it was probably with my brother.

When was the last time you cried?, and why?
yesterday, because of stupid shit and people.

What book are you reading right now?
Jack Kerouac's "On the Road", and Ralph Steadman's "The Joke's Over"... though i havn't really gotten too far with any of them.

Do you fall for people easily?
yeah.. i tend to.

Have you even been in love?
no

Are you in-love now? or falling in-love?
can't say that i am.

are you in a relationship?
nope

has someone put their arm around you in the past five days?
yup

have you kissed or hugged someone within the past 24 hours?
yup

Do you like to cuddle?
yes

Do you like anyone right now?
...not really

Why do you like this person?
wrong reasons, really.

What is this person like?
an ass, hah.

What do you want to do before you die?
all those cheesy things like having kids, and starting a family. As well as, visiting machu pichu, to walk all of the Great Wall of China, apply for my senior citizenship discount, annnd move to hong kong for a while.

What are some things that you can do without?
insecurities, really slow drivers, my weird paranoia about some things, having to do things

What do you like to do?
long talks, doing hair, painting, long walks, road trips, camping, showering

Are you an impatient person?
generally no. but it depends on the urgency

Are you a girly-girl or a tomboy?
i'm a good mixture of both.

Are you going anywhere next summer?
I would like to, but where to? I don't know.

Do you prefer to be by yourself or around others?
I most definitely prefer to be around others. but i do need my alone sometimes, rarely though.

What's the worst thing someone can do to you?
there are a few things, but making me feel unwanted is up there.

What do you think most people's first impressions of you are?
.. i don't know. That i look like a bitch maybe? or that i'm shy?

Ever kissed someone of the same sex?
haha, yes

Ever had a near-death experience?
it could have been but it wasn't.

Ever been unconscious?
about 3 times now.

When was your last hospital visit and why?
back in august, to visit my grandma

Ever been in an ambulance?
yes, but it wasn't for me.

Ever had sugery done?, what for?
Yes. getting a mole removed, mouth surgery

Do you want to see someone right now?
only to straighten some things out.

Do you believe in karma?
to an extent, yeah.

Do you have any bruises right now? from what?
yes, and i have no idea.

Do you believe in the death penatly?
i don't think anyone has the right to choice whether someone should live or die.

What friends do you tell the most to?
phoebe, and joce.

What are you looking forward to?
friday, for a couple of reasons.

What was your last realization?
that i'll never be the daughter that my parents want me to be, and that too often people walk in and out of my life.

Would you eat human flesh for money?
only if I hadn't known it was human flesh

i don't get it. i don't get him.

i'm sooooo bummed right now. really bummed. I swear, i'm going to die alone and unhappy.


shit, i'm soooo done. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to look, i feel like I'm totaly undesirable.

i suck. and I just want to cry. life blows chunks.

i just want a decent boyfriend. I want a guy who is almost perfectly fine. The guys that I tend to like are fucked.

i just want guy that I can hold, that I can share my day with, that I can just call up and know he'll answer, and will not flake out on me.


is that TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

boys hate me, period.

this fucking sucks. and I suck. this is all my fault. i push people away. I don't act like i'm interested. i don't act desirable. I'm fucking disgusting, and that's who i am.

and apparently people can't accept that. people can't find that attractive, i don't blame them.

I'm so fucking disappointed in myself right now. I feel so let down. I hate myself. I hate who I am,i feel like such a prude when i talk to him. and I do not want it to be like that at all, but he just brings out that side of me.

I don't want to fuck him, cause' i don't want it to be that easy. I want to be in a relationship first, i want to have something first before just going all the way.



sorry i'm not skinny, sorry i'm not an intelectual, sorry that I just have nothing what-so-ever to offer anyone.

sorry I'm too nice, sorry that i just appease.

WHO THE FUCK AM I?, WHO THE FUCK HAVE I BECOME?


i'm stuck inbetween two type of people.

there's the side of me that's so-called bad. but i'm not bad enough to be considered totally bad.

and there's the side of me that's so-called innocent, but i'm not innocent enough to be considered totally inncocent.

and i think this is whre people find it difficult to deal with me. People arn't down with people they're don't know, or know how to read.

I do want to fuck guys, but not Jesse, and especially not because he wants it so bad. I don't want to give him what he wants the most.


i'm on a fucking low right now and it's probably because i've been at home so much. I really wish I had some fucking weed right now or even smokes.

i'm so done with being like this.

I'm done with being so embarassed by myself; i'm done with feeling this dissatisfaction with life; i'm done with having no fall backs.

i'm done with feeling so needy, i'm done with feeling so fucking high maintenance all the time.


i'm done. i'm so done. i wish I was someone else, as sad as that is.

i am the type of person that just NEEDS a lot of reassurance in her life. I dont want to be a prude, i swear. but for some reason i just can't help but sound like one anyways. :(

this fucking blows chunks. huge ass chunks. I have no confidence what-so-ever. I have no self esteem. I have nothing to offer anyone. I'm a bore and a half, unless i've known you and have gotten comfortable with you for about 4 years.


i feel like i'm doing everything for the wrong reasons. i feel like i only like jesse because he's giving me thatattention that i need right now. I feel liek i only like him because he's a guy. and I'm pretty desperate, and alone.


yeah i'm cute, and somewhat pretty.. but where is that going to get me in life? I feel so stupid lately. I feel like such a dumbass. I feel likei'm too fucking needy, and too fucking chill, and still have no fucking backbone.


i feel like I'm jsut there. i feel like i'm not memorable, what-so-ever. i'm predictable, i'm fat, i'm boring, i'm typical, i'm sarcastic, i'm easily intimidated, i'm way too contrived, i'm not creative, i'm just bits and pieces of everyone i know.

i'm not me. i'm not me at all. the me that i want to be, is someone who can jhust say whatever she wants. the me that I want to be is someone who is straightforward, who has a lot of confidence, who can just tell guys straight up that she has a thing for them, who can just full on mack out with guys.

not this timid piece of shit that I am.


i just wish victoria offered more amenities, especially amenities in the form of guys.

i'm so done. i'm done with "being me". i'm done with being a fake. i'm done with doing things for the wrong reasons. I just want to let myself go, but i just can't cause' I don't want to be a hussy, or be seen as a hussy.


I can't be like jamie, but honestly.. i'm jealous that she can be the way that she is and just not care. I'm jealous thatshe's not all that pretty, but yet can get guys. probably cause' she has a hot bod.

as for me, i'm flabby, and like i said i'm sarcastic. I have no personality. I have nothing. I have a nice rack, but barely. I have nice hair, but guys don't care.. and those that do are gay. I have a pretty face, but that's only nice to look at.



i'm desperate for change, for good change. i thought jesse was going to fill that void, but nope.

I miss him.
I want it so that we're official- so that we're going out.

I want him to put his arms around me, and kiss me on my cheek; or just kiss me kiss me.

I want him to call me his, and I want to call him mine.

I want to lay beside him all day, in bed. I want to fall asleep in his arms, or just close to him.

I want to suck the fuck out of his neck, and give him a sweet hickey, haha.

I want to kiss im alll over.

but like i have said before, don't want to fuck him.

I"M OUT OF SCHOOL!!

since wednesday! after my marketing exam.
I woke up at 10:30am yesterday, but stayed in bed until 12;30pm-1-ish.

I bleached my hair, and it's a brown-ish colour, i really like it. it still ah the blonde where it was before, just lighter all around.

i LOVEEEE it. but I think i may dye red over it, minus the blonde part. This brown makes me think that i look a lot older, cause' it's older looking, hahaha. oh god.

IREALLLLY want to go searching for tattoo places for my second tattoo.

for some reason, i'm falling head over heels for him.

he has me, he really does.
but i don't really know. I don't know what our deal is. We hang out quite frequently, and when we don't hang out we text. He always asks me what i'm doing, annd always invites me over to his house- to blaze, obviuosly. haha

I wish we cuddled though, haha. :$

frick, I want to sleepover at his house again. I want this to progress.. but I don't want to just jump into things, and fuck him. I want it to start slow, I want him to mean it. I don't want t be just another girl, I'm not okay with that.

Well, he does want to go on a road tri.. and I'm pretty sure he watned to go this winter.. but I don't know.
I'm pretty freaked about driving in the snow, soooooo.
yeaaah.

Frick I want him, and I loooooooooooooooooove the amoutn of attentiont hat he is giving me. Like he always calls me to hang out, or this past weekend, I hadn't talked to him since fiday.. and he texted me on sunday night asking me how my weekend was, it was cute.

and he was like "do you have an exam tomorrow?"

and the day after he texted me "when does your exam end?"

and he wanted to hang out... but then he forgot about me, haha which makes me think hat he's not interested. I think i'm just overthinking this.

I don't think he's interested, I think he's just acting the way he would with anyone else.. cause' I don't really act ike I like him, except for that fact that I always hang out with him, and always drive him places.

but really, I don't think that I act that interested.. which sucks for me, but i don't really know how to act.. I'm oblivious when it comes to boys. I'm clueless, to say the least.

for some reason, I just can't act like I'm interested.. I feel like I'll dumb myself down if I act all flirsty and stuff. But I want to be able to, for some reason I just can't give myself away like that. I would act like that if I know for sure he's interested.. but I don't know.. I don't want him to know.. for some reason I never want them to know.

i want you i wnt you i want you i want you i want you i want you.


i wish you wanted me.


or at least expressed that you want me.


i saw your ex today at hillside mall.
she's prettier in person then in pictures, by the way.

i put my extensions back in. but i did them really badly, sooooo CLUMPINESS FTW!
hah.

whatever, i love the length, though I wish itwas longer. but i definiely love the thickness. :)

the winner's christmas party was alright.

I have my accounting final tomorrow, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to bomb it hardcore.

I definitely did not study as much as i needed to. I just need a break. like a two week break before I can do my exams.

but I just want my break to be all at one go, instead of short little breaks.

fuuuuuuuck mon, everyone has already hired everyone thy need, so no job for Jessica, i guess. :(

I REALLLLLY wanted to work in hair salon, bu frick i guess not? I havn't tried everywhere, but applying in hair salons is so nerve wrecking.

to you know who:

I don't know what I think about you. Sometimes I just want to pounce on you, and sometimes i just want to be friends. I guess what I'm saying is that I just want you to be a stepping stone for me, i guess. I know it sounds liek I'm using you, and perhaps that may be the case, but really there's something about you that keeps drawing me in. I feel like you have a second agenda; I can't read you, at all.

You are unlike ANYONE I have EVER met in my life. Which makes me want you so much more; which I'm finding some comfort in; which is making me so intimidated, cause' it freaks me out that I may have to act like myself for once, and that me is boring.

I'm happy that you're calling me and wanting to hang out with me, but am i just a friend to you? What are we? I know it shouldn't be "labeled" butt I want to know my boundaries, I know that there are probably none with you.. but for me there are, I think. I find comfort in knowing that you could be calling that karley chick, but yet you call me to hang out, or whatever. I find comfort that if I wanted to fuck you, I could.. but I don't really want to slash I'm just not ready for that, slash I'm jsut REALL self consciuos.

You are sooooo far beyond me, and I neverrr know what to say to you. Which makes me feel put back a bit. But I love hearing your stories, i love hearing waht you have to say. I just wish I had an appropriate response for you, instead of just.."oh yeah?" or "oh really?" or "sweeeet" likefuccccck, hah.

I feel as though I bore you half the time, cause' I don't have anything smart to say. But that's only because I need time to think first, then give a response.. or have you express waht you feel first then come up with my own opinions.. or I'm just shy to say what I want.

I'm not like you, but you are opening me up, you are making me think more. But in contrast, I have not felt THIS self-conscious in a long time. I have not felt this "step back" in a lonnnnng time. It's like digression.

you are wild to say the least.

I feel like I would be comfortable sleeping beside you, and yet have a platonic relationship with you, and same goes with living with you.

Though, everytime I see you I just get this urge to go and make out with you, aha. but not until I look better.

I hope to find a guy like you someday, but someone that wont make me feel so belittled sometimes, or so shy, or so scared of saying waht I want, or being who i m.

I feel so stupid around you sometimes. Also, i fel as though you'e not interested in hearing waht I have to say, unless it's about guys, or sex or something that just appeals to you.

this weekend has been one of the best i've had in a long while.

friday night, it was joce and richard's combine birthday thing at Nick Fletcher's house. It was kind of weird..but I was hella baked, soooo it was ALLL good. yeah know?

Michelle, Dexter, kayla and I went out for dinner first at El Greco's.. an when we were waiting for our food, we asked if we could go outside for a smoke, and we ended up hot boxing michelle's car in the parking of the restaurant, haha. annd before we went to El Greco,i was with Kayla and I rolled up a tiny joint an smoked it at Northridge, while kayla sat in the car. haha.

sooo I drove over to Nick's house, and met jocelyne outside and I told her that I was hella baked, and yeaaaaah. But then people igured out at Nick's anyways that I was baked, it's not that hard cause' my eyes are DEAD give aways.

they started to drink, and I ad called up jesse to hook michelle up with an 8th. So I left nick's to go to jesse's. but i old everyone that I had to go home early so that I could go for my blood test the next day. haha

anyways, I go tot jesse's and he's like yeah my friend will be here in a bit with your friend's weed.

but then a while came by, and his friend still isn't here. so he calls him up, and turns out that buddy isn't going to show up after all, so i call up michelle and gave her the news, she didn't really care cause' she didn't really want to get it afterall.


so jesse's like "do you have any more of that weed left?"
and so we rolled up a joint, and smoked it in his room.

then we watched tv for a while.


he then burnt out and passed out on his bed.

I was starting to burnt out like mad.. so it was like 1am and I got up and tried ot wake him up
i was like "yooooo.. YOOOO, Yooo"

and then finaly he wakes up, haha.

me: "yoo, i'm heading off now."
him: "oh okay"
so I start walking to the door and he's likke
"wiat what you're leaving?"

me: "yeahh, i'm passing out"
him: "so then pass out"

i looked at him, and sat back down on the chair, haha.

so he passed out again, and I passed out. His chair was so uncomfortable, it was one of those foldable beach chair, and so it was killing my neck, and i was not having a good night sleep. annd I woke up at 4:30am, being like FUUUUUUCCCCCCCk, haha cause' I couldn't sleep like that any longer.

but then he woke up, and he's like "yooo what's up with you sleeping in that chair"
me: "i don't know.."

him: "come sleep in my bed"
then he pulls off my jacket that I had thrown over me, then he grabs my arm and pulls me on to his bed, but he asked me to turn off the light before I got in to bed with him.

and we then passed out.

in the morning, i woke up to him kicking me or kneeing me in my bum, haha and him apologizing. but i didn't say anything.


I also REALLLLLLY had to pee, haha. but I didn't want to get up, but eventually i couldn't hold it in any longer, and I couldn't stop thinking about it which made it worst. Soooooooo i got up and went pee. When i got back we just laid there. and we talked and he put on some Ratatat.

haha then he was like "you looked pretty funny sleeping in that chair last night"
me: "fuck you"

at first i thought that he was sleeping in the nude, but then it turns out that he was sleeping in his boxers, haha.

fuck man, he's hot. I just wanted to make out with him, and just cuddle with him. But fuck.. I don't know.. i can't make those kind of moves. I wish he was more asertive.

i wish he would make the moves.


just so i know that he's feeling it too. but I don't want to fuck him.. not rigth nwo. even though losing my virginity isn't that big of a deal to me. I just don't want him to give me something. I want to make sure that he's clean.


But yeah, we just chilled in his bed, and he smoked some weed, and then we went to fantastico, and i drove him to work.

That night I called hi up again, andasked him to get an 8th for michelle. And so they met him, and it was so awkward, but watever

it's how it is.

I dropped off michelle and such, and drove back to jesse's. We watched tv, and just chilled for a bit. I had finished off my weed with michelle, and dexter that afternoon. I rolllled a big fatty.

from jesse's we went to his dealer, and he picked up.

"do you think your friend would care if I rolled a joint?"

me: "yeah probably"

him: "should I just take it anyways"

me: "haha sure"

dry, i know. but whatever people these days never tip their middle man, but you need to.

soo yeah i dropped him off at his friend's afterwards, and he's like "thanks for everything, you're a sweetheart"

and then watched me drive away.

I'm falling of this guy, and it's pretty hard.. but at the same time not really.

It's defintiely the cloest to a boyfriend that I've ever had. I've slept over at his house, for christ sakes. haha.

I've been spending so much time with him, he must know that i'm into him. Maybe I just produce this vibe that I'm not into guys, and would rather much be their friend instead. but that is most definitely not that case with the guys that I ususally hang out with.

and I wish that they would make the move. fuck.

fuck me and guyssss.

it's kind of pathetic, but eh.


i love guys, and i wish that they would feel the same way back?


i think maybe jesse thinks that i'm too gooood, like too innocent maybe.

but I told him that i stole, and he's like "who the fuck are you"

so like I am surprising him, like I know i'm not what he expected me to be. but yeah.. I don't know if it's enough though.

i don't know what to think about him, like i want him but I don't know if I want him want him.. i don't know.

yeaaah..

fuck maaaaaannnnn.

i feel like complete shit.
i can't help but think that i'm hopeless.

lik I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. \
i'm in dire need of some amenities.


i feel so down right now.
i need comfort.

i don't want to do anything ight now.
fuck this sucks.

i just feellike crying. I'm so scared of tomrrow.

i hate myself right now. i hate the way i look, i hate the way i act, i hate how i can't understand the simplest things.

I don'thave any confidence what-so-ever. i don't know hw to present myelf.

this fucking sucks. I wish I had smeone to talk to right now. I wish I was more open,i wish i didn't have so many walls built.


I want to feel wanted.

i'm tired of me, and dreading everything before i attempt it.

i'm sick of me freaking and it being the reasn why it has postponed wahteve i want to do.

i over analyze everything.
fuck me, and how i am.

im' pretty sure he just considers me as a friend.
well i almost know for a fact.

i'm probably too "innocent" for him.

sorry that I don't want to fuck a guy who's been with an escort.

i just don't think that you get it, at all.
that's it's been you all along.

------------------------------------------------------------------



i've been hanging out with Jesse a lot lately. And, I still don't know what to think of him.

he's so intense, but I like it and i don't. He's so blunt. It's nice but it's intimidating. I get pretty bad anxiety when I do hang out with him. We spent 6 hours together today.

I never know what to say to him. I know he doesn't judge.. but i just don't know.
The stuff that he wants to talk about is so intense, and i don't really have a formed opinion about it. I just feel pretty incompetitent i guess, in his stndards.

all he ever wants to talk about is girls, and how he can't get any. When in reality i am a girl that he can easily get, but he is obviously not interested.

I feel like I have not much of an ego left. Everything that I work so hard in, never seems to meet my standards. But then again i never try that hard.

I feel like a fly trapped in a jar. I feel i just exist, and frankly I don't want to just feel like that. I want to feel better about myself. I want to feel wanted.

Maybe I always just come off as if I'm not interested, but I guess i'm just THAT afraid of rejection. I'm THAT afraid of them having the upperhand on me.

cause' tht's what means the most to me, love and feeling wanted.

I don't want them knowing that I like them because I'm scared taht they'll use that against me. or that it would dent whatever we have/had. Cause' that's the only thing that I can't fake my way out of- feelings. Well, apparently i can.

I'm just scared. but right now, I just feel like I'm fucking pathetic. I feel like no one wants me. I feel like I always have my cahnce, but then it has gone too far for anything to really happen anymore. I'm just way to analytical about everything.

I just feel like I NEED to have everything mapped out. I'm just so used to being made fun of, that it has become so habituated of me tohave everything pre-planned or mapped out. Likeconvesations. or for me to steal someone's ideas.

I'm scared to vocialize my opinions to people cause' i'm scared that they're not going to like me. But i don't want to care anymore.I don't want to give a shit. I want to do what i want for me. Not for anyone else.


I quite aware of the fact that I'm not physically attractive, and when guys talk about girls' i get so self-conscious. I get so pushed away.

So when Jesse just talks about girls, I just stay quiet. i never have an answer. It's the fact that I feel humiliated by my presented physical disposition, and the fact that i just don't know what to say.


i'm sick of just exisitng.

how can you be yourself when yo uhave no identity?

i'mmmm coming home to you
for the first time in a while
but im not bringing any goods news with me

i don't know what to do
i'm fed up with m internet.


this week is going to be the most slckest yet busiest. I have so much shit to do :( and my internet is peventing me from doing most of it. -_-"


i'm too lazy to go anywhere else really. i'm pathetic.
yeahah.

so I doin't really know what to do about ichelle. she knows that i'm mad at her. she knows that i'm agitated at the fact that she's nglecting our friendship.

I do try and see her, but she's too busy wit dexter or ashley or miguel, or she's at work. And hoesntly just fuck it. Not worth putting the effort in.

I don't want to get her anything for her birthday. I don't wnat to be putting in the effort if she's not going to be giving back. I don't want to care about her anymore. Her attitude is stanky, and she's such a little princess, a little princess who owes me $50.

we'\re both at this stage in our lives where we just don't want to be where we are, but it's just how things are. we don't have the money to move, and we're just too lazy.

fermented stains.




sooooooo. my doctor has been off work for about 2 weeks now, and it's about to trigger me off.

i most definitely spent $400 in Vancouver on Saturday/Sunday.

kayla and i shopped til' we dropped.

i almost got caught being a klepto. almost shat myself, but luckily it was just my shirts. i almost cried.






all i want, is to find love. but for some reason i can't let myself go. i can't let someone THAT important into my life, and for some reason i'm always scared of them knowing.


it's cause' i'm okay with them being okay wih the person that i'm making fun of, i'm okaywith them knowing the one that'sjust fun..

butwhen it's serious me, and real me i'm scared they're going to reject me. i'm scared tha they're going to get pu toff, and leave.

that's why i'm always ajusting to the peopl i'm around. I've changed so much that I don't even know who i am. I'm scared of them liking the real me, cause' i'm scared that they wont like it.

i'm terrified.

i really think that i need to go see my doctor soon.


i want to get help.

i want to try medication, i'm willing to try anything to get me happy.

yes, i need to depend on something or someone.

but i cannot start to think about burdoning anyone with my problem.

i'm so unsatisfid, and i'm so unhappy. i wishthat life was a bit more worth living for.


i want to lose weight, i'm sick of my body.

myabe medication will help with tht.


i'm so unhappy. i'm so sad. i'm s alone. i'm so hopeless, and worst of all i just don't want to be here anymore.


i wish i had an incentive. i just don't want to put forth the effort.

I see flashes of your sky blue eyes,
and it rounded up al hope that was within me.


change, change, and change...

but it is what it is, and how it do is gonna be how it's done.

NUMERO 600! WOOOOOOOO


Your dignity is hanging with nothing but self righteous self doubt, which has caused hated maidens to join contrived work forces because they couldn't capture your love.

Causing their latter days spent loathing lousy laments,
during a time where conscription crises are condoning compulsive consumptions.
and simple machines are making malicious movements, which are making mass massacres seem meek.
Like a singing song-nation sending their suspicious sacrilegious saints to sell their sacred spies to save the sentimental sounds of your spoken whispers, but only to find that you, as their soul mate, have moved on.

So, if clouds are formed from one man's hands, then this must be going according to plan.
This is not some tainted tongue twisting fairytale told in a stack of thinned-out-sheets. Rather, it’s a pre-planned humble alibi that you could tell your children in the coming of days; it is your sad excuse to hang your dirty laundry and blame it on the plan.

what if daddy told youto save private ryan? would you take on the task of being the one?

what if you were the only hope left for civilization?; and, What if you were the only foundation for grounding morality? would you take responsibility for the fault of the human kind?

What if you left, and all hope for a civilized world disperse, and savagery dominates? would you pour salt in the wound by becoming the leader?

what i'm trying to get at is, would you die for your world? would you proudly leave it and be completely satisfied? or would you die in humliation because of such events like guantanamo bay, or apartheid?

how can we pretend as if there's nothing happening. how can we sit back and witness such outrage?



we need for change, but change is progressing slowly.

66792kq

kayquan's pw for camlink.

i am a type of girl who has big dreams, and talks big. but really am a pansy.

'm a hypocrite. i talk shit about everyone, and anyone. I'm a sell out. I'm pretty. I have a good medium level of self-esteem, but sometimes it's rather low.

i'm pretty innocent in comparison to some, but also am not in comparison to many others.

i'm pathetic when it comes to dating guys. I've never, and that's what so pathetic about it. I'm better at being their friend, then their object of attraction.

i hate the way my body looks. bu there are parts of it that I do like. i like how I'm pretty much equally porportioned.

I love my hair, and my face, and hence why those two are the most focused on by me.

currently, i craze attention from guy's. it's probably because I've never had that kind of attention on me before, it's always been on my best friends.

recently, i've undergo a chage. I have become a bit mre outspoken about a bit of everything. and the school counsellor has diagnosed me with a mild case of manic depression. In theory i have almost become the person hat I have wanted to be.

I'm more confident, i'm more of who i am and want to be. I stnad up for myself, i have a backbone. but i have becomemore bitter, and more angry. I'm more unhappy, when in theoryi should be more happy.

i'm not as socially awkward anymore, but i dont' really know how to make small talk.

HAJHJKAJHLKJHAKLJHJKLH

and just when audacius moments obliterate your every movement, you seem to realize that I exist.

so mister all-knowing tell me, how am I suppose to fulfill my life
"well what do you mean?", he replied
"well.. I mean, how am I going to fully live when there's so much wrong?, when I can't even be happy with myself?; when, doubt and second-guessing is mother nature?"

"you need to overlook what's bringing you down; you need to stop dwelling, and be able to realize that you are appreciated in this life"


i can't seem to see the brighter side, even though it's like a spot light pointed at my face.

"you need to unhabituate your pessimism, and instead, flaunt what you have always wanted to do with no worries and no doubt"

i want him soooooooooooooo bad.

i really don't want to lose this one.

so i went to talk to the counsellor at school, my intention for that meeting was to find out whether or not if i am clinically depressed. He doesn't think i am, but he does think that I may have manic depression.

so i'm going to make an appointment to go see my doctor about it.

i just want guy's attention right now, it's kind of pathetic, but it's how i want things right now.
I want to buy more girlie clothes, I want to start dressing nice. I want to be noticed, I'm done with being so self conscious.

i'm done with having low self esteem. I want to be confident.

I want to look good. I want to start working out. i want to loose weight. I want to be more active.

but i just feel like I have no time or enegery.

i feel like i just have a pretty face adn that's all that i have going for me in a first impression situation.

i'm kind of socially awkward. I'm a bit contrived when it comes to small talk. I never know what to say.

but wahtever I need to change my ways.

i want to be with him.
i want him to put his arm around me; i want to just stare at him all day.
I want to laugh with him; i want to get to know him.
i want to feel his embrace; i want to be happy.
I want to feel needed; I want to feel love or something close to it.
i want to have smeone to lean on;

i don't know what to do.

i really like this guy name Jesse deggan. He's in my english class, and is basically my motivation to go to that class, haha.

I don't know, there's something different about him. I love guys that looks/acts like an asshole but really arn't. but are just chill, and he's one of them.

He looks like tough shit, but he knows his english shit. ahha. He looks like a trdes guy, but is doing business. He's awesome, and i think he's pretty good looking, haha.

I've been hella creeping him n facebook.



i feel like i am eating myself alive. I'm beating myself down, in order for me to feel bette about myself.

senseless glory

redeeming prize.

tasteless.


i really don't know what I want anymore. I have everything in place. What now?! What do I want now? it's only a matter of how i want things to be. I have the power to either terminate or redeem. But I don't know what I want.

I'm sick of choosing. I'm sick of picking sides.

I'm sick of this perpetual feeling of being stuck.

I'm getting pretty anious about my appointment, and i just made it. I almost backed out at the very last minute, of making the appointment. I'm scared. They would be telling me eveything that I already know, and that scares me to no ends. But really, in order for this all to be alright, I need to get help. I need to.

it feels like the puzzle pieces are finally being put into place but yet I have this lot of space of everything bad, and it's become such a custom for me t fall back onto and blame all reasons of me feeling like total and utter shit on it, and to get caught up in it.

I miss painting. It's how i would want to base my life.

start off with a draft, or a sketch, then project it. Fix up anything that needs to be fixed before finally painting it. Once I start painting, I would have total control but yet there's room for improvement, and room to ask for help.

i'm defintieyl procrastinating to do this. svwet.

first step is to admit it right?
i just called the counslling centre and have booked an appointment. I was hoping for something this week, but that is not the case.

am i really feeling better about this?
or am i just avoiding something bigger?

i met up with maery, joce, and phoebe on friday at starbucks. After that meeting I felt like shit. And I felt like ihadn't justified the whole situation. I was pretty pissed that they chose to meet at starbucks of all places. So i thought if they weren't going to care as much then i'm just going really baked, and that i did.

it didn't end well at all, and it left me unsettled.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to cry, I wanted to shout, I wanted to go home and sleep, I wanted to be happy? I thought that that would do me justice, an make me feel better. but I ended up coming out of there looking like a bitch, and the bad guy.

that is not what I wanted at all, in all honesty I wanted them to feel like the bad guys; I wanted them to feel like shit, and pleading for my forgiveness (but not really), I wanted a mutual agreement to end it.

they want to keep trying. they want to fight.

i told them that we need our distance for a while. I need to think about it.

I just blanked out, and didn't know what to say. I didn't have anything to say. I was baked and just shot blanks. It was pathetic, and it was basically me just sittingthere, and them sitting there in silence. I couldn't look at them.

I lost all train of thought, I lost all my points.

I thought that I had every reason for what i was doing, but I couldn't think of them.

So the next day, I texted Phoebe asking where she was. She texted me back saying that she was at work but we could meet for lunch. I met up with her at McDonald's. From there we wenbt over to Royal Oak school. As soon as I saw her I started to tear up.

We sat on the feild, and tried to re-explain myself. I bawled my eyes out, and I told her how I have been feeling for the past year or so.

I couldn't look at her. I didn't have enought tact. I didn't have enough courage. She thinks that I may be clinically depressed, and that I should see a doctor, and I think I'm going to take her up on that. Cause' I really do think that I"ve been depressed for the past 4 years or so, but it has been only off and on, but recently it's been mnore than just off and on. It's been 24/7 and it has been affectig my life. It has taken over me, and I'm no longer the Jessica everyone knew and loved, I'm just a sarcastic little bitch, who acts like a little know it all. I'm repulsive and not fun to be around anymore.

My fault is that when people try to get close to me I put on this automtic shield, and I push away everyone I love.

My fault is that i've been so self dependent that it has caused me to be fearful and put up a front when one tries to enter into my life.

My fault is that I prefer to bottle things up or take it up with my blog instead of confronting the people, who talking about it wiht people who are suppose to be my best friends. But I never felt like any of them were my best friends, cause' I never felt like they were putting in as muhc effort as I was. I never felt like they felt the same way.

My fault is that I run away; is that I ignore waht's right infront of me, but try to deal with it at the same time. Things don't tend to "click" with me, rather I know that it's there, but it doesn't hit me. It's never been like "BAM". But rather, "oh okay".

After Phoebe and I met up we went back to mcDonalds and she bought me lunch. I'm glad that they can be so understanding, and that they can wait for me. But I feel bad for them. I feel bad that I have put this situation on the table and have not been fully able to explain it. I just felt like I was being attacked. I felt liek I was ready to talk but when it came down to it I wasn't.

I really wanted something to happen, but it jsut turned out to be something worst. I do'nt know what I want. I don't know how I want them to change. I don't have the answers to these questions. Time and time again this has happned to me, numeous of times.

More and more each day I consider talking to a counselor.

I hope things turn out for the good. I still want to talk to them, and hang out with them. But I don't know if I want to do it as much. And I don't know if I want to be best friends iwth them. I don't want them to change because I've told them this, and I don't want to become try-hards.

RIP Toni Lemire,
She died on October 13, 2008, of a heart attack.

finally, i get t choose my courses.

this is my schedule
Monday: 12:30-1:20 ECON102, 1:30-3:20 BUS120
Tuesday: 8:30-10:20 Acct140, 1030-1120 BUS141, 1230-120 BUS130
Wednesday: 1030-1220 ECON102, 130-320 BUS120
Thursday: 830-1020 ACCT140, 1030-1220 BUS141, 130-220 BUS130
Friday: 930-1120 COOP100

i want to start a new life, i want to be a new me.

i want to give up everything that i have to justify my choics, to be finally true to myself.

it's usually hard letting go of things or people taht have been so grounded in your life. But none of which have impacted me, or have left apparent imprints. none of which, would leave me in a pit of despair. None of which would leave me sad and depressed.

I'm done being the lonely little loaf that I have been for the past while now, I need to stand my ground, and just be me.

but why am I still feeling like shit? Why has by reading their letters brougt me to tears?

is it because of some realization that has not occured to me?

I want to be heard, and I want to go out with a bang. I'm done, and I just don't know what to do now. I still feel stuck, I still feel like I'm spinning in circles. But I feel a slight onward movement from where I was a week ago. I feel like I have the confidence to stand up for me, to think about me for once. But I just feel like I'm doing this in the utmost disgusting way possible. I feel lik there's no chance given, but that's how I want it to be. It appeases me.

I'm done with being unhappy, but what now? there's no fireworks, there's no congratulation ceremony, there's nothing. It's just me and me. But i do feel lighter, but I know there's always something ther.

I know that this can be resolved until it's over, o unti lI'm genuinely happy.

I don't want to make this into one big deal, or have them be like "are you okay? are you okay? are you okay?" it's just like, leave me alone.

I don't know, I'm high fucking maintenence. I want this to be final, i want them to uindestand how it feel slike to be dropped. To feel like they're not needed, I need to know that they're going through waht i'm going throuh. I need to know that this is killing them. It's sad how I'm feeling more content because of thoughts like these. I'm twisted.

All good times were past times. I'm sick of appeasing people, or have others appease others for the sake of not hruting feelings.


I'm done with hanging out in groups, I'm done with trying to pretend somehting. I'm done with being unsatisfied. I'm done. I want to be out, I want to go, I want to be.

it just is the way it is.

i know blazing all the time is bad, but I don't do it vry much anymore. I know smoking is bad, but whatever it makes me content, it's puttng my anger somewher else. I know that being angry is not healthy, but there's no obvious solution for that.

I don't want a fight,i want a mutual agreement.

Im' done with being the mother figure at home, and I'm done being mothered outside of my home.

I'm done with assumptions, and I"m done with being so stressed all the time.

I'm done with being unhappy. I'm done. I'm so done.


I'm sorry that I AM pathetic, I'm sorry that I have become dumb, I'm sorry that I don't want to try anymore. I'm sorry that I hve given up on you all, I'm sory that I was the best friend that you will ever have. I'm sorry that I can't express myself to you all. I'm sorry that i'm such a fool as to believe that you guys would do the same for me.

I'm done with dealing with people who only think about themselves.

My letter to Maery, Joce, Phoebe:
hey guys,

I would like to start this off by apologizing for skipping out on Saturday, I`m sorry.

i'm sure that most of you have noticed a change in my attitude, and just behavioural wise. There's two ways that I can approach this the first way would be my usual way of just stringing a bunch of excuses, and bullshit my way through, or the second way I can just be honest. Frankly, I'm done with lying.

For about a year now, I have been unhappy with where I am at. I'm just really agitated being in Victoria. Nothing seems to be making me happy anymore. I have nothing to look forward to. Yes, that's also including you guys. I'm not happy with my friendshp with you all. I feel so unappreciated most of the time. I feel like I'm just there, nothing else. I do have fun some times, but really who are we kidding? I don't really belong. I can't even tell you guys about half the shit that I do because I know you guys would be like "aww jessica you know that that's bad for you.. blah blah blah" and frankly I don't need a mother figure telling me what's what. I know that I'm damaging myself, I know that I'm being self-destructive, but honestly it's making me a bit more content then what I am, and if it makes me feel good, then so be it.

I don't even know what or who i've become. All I know is that I'm changing for the good, but I'm just doing it in a bad way. I'm sick of not being able to say shit to you guys. I'm sick of being stuck. I'm sick of crying all the time. I'm sorry that I have become so pathetic, but this who I am right now. I'm tired of having drama follow me left right and center. I'm sick of always trying to appease everyone. I feel like I need to focus on myself now, cause' when has it ever been about me?

I'm sorry that I've been so erratic lately, and have become such a flake. I'm sorry that this hadn't been said earlier. I'm sorry that I've become a hypocrite.

I'm sick of helping people all the time, and not getting the help in return. I know that friendships shuldn't be based on how much we do for each other. But it does get put into account when someone can't return a little favour. I feel like I'm getting stepped on, and I'm done with that. Maybe it' because of my upbringing, or mayeb it's because I'm just scared of losing friends. But right now, I don't care if I do lose friends, cause' they would be friends that won't be meaning much to me.

I can't keep on trying to make something work that isn't working. I don't want to keep holding on to dead weight anymore.

It's just little things that agitated me like, having to call people all the time to hang out. I know you guys call me every so often, but for a while it was just me calling every time. I'm sure you guys just assume that I'm hanging out with Michelle, but still it's not much effort to call anyways.

I didn't bring this up earlier because I hate mentioning things to people and then have them change. It just feels more genuine when they change in realization, not because of a push.

You would think that after 5 years of being friends we would be best friends by now, I wish that that was the case because I feel so alone all the time. I am done with bottling things up, or go crying to one of my stupid online blogs.

I know you may be asking, why on facebook? I was going to wait until the next time that I see you guys to bring this up, but I couldn't wait anymore, or know when the next time would be. Also, no one needs me bringing shit up infront of other people. No one needs to see me cry, and make an ass of myself. Yeah, I am a pansy for doing it over the internet, but it`s out and about, and that's really all the matters right now.

I don't really want to talk about this. I just needed to get this out.

thanks.


Maery's Response:
Jes,

I apologize ahead of time for talking about this if you really don't want to.

I have to start off by saying how shocked I am by this..
Over the last few weeks (and especially after we talked at your place) I knew that you were getting overloaded with stress from school and Michelle and Kayla, but I didn't realize that we were the problem.. It makes sense that you haven't so much been busy with Michelle as just avoiding us, which kills me..

I definetly understand not bringing it up in groups, which so much of the time is how we all hang out, and I get that facebook is easier, I do wish that I had known about this earlier.

As I am writing this I am trying to understand all of the feelings you wrote to me. Some of them, like the being stepped on and taken for granted, are things I never associate with you. If they include things like haircuts and driving and stuff like that, they have nothing to do with my wanting to be with you.

I really wish you felt you could talk to me about stuff, I have always known that feeling was there, and maybe there was a wall or somthing but I dont have any idea what it is. I am never going to pretend to be happy about you being self destructive, because if I was laughing about you doing something truly dangerous for yourself then what kind of friend does that make me. But even so, I am not judging you when I act concerned, and I still want to be involved in what's going on with you in any circumstance regardless of what I personally think of the act itself. I am really sorry if I acted like I didn't want to know, because I did, and do. Some of the things you and Michelle are into, you know that isn't me, but I want to be here for everything else.

I don't feel like this is a push to me, because all along I have cared about you, and felt like I was appreciating you. But if I wasn't doing it properly, which is the point here, than I do have to change something, and that doesn't mean making up good intentions just to make you feel better, it means that I need to understand what was wrong and how to fix it. Because you mean to much to me (and I know for a fact everyone else) to let this just sit, to let you feel this horrible.
I dont know if you feel like people arent calling you when they hang out...just for the sake of not calling you because that does not happen. And when they do call you, they aren't calling for anything other than your presence.

I want to make sure that I don't generalize any of your feelings.. I don't want to say that I can relate to some of them because then you might feel belittled and that is not what I mean at all. This intensity is ringing loud and clear to me and I need you to believe that I want you to talk to me, to know that you belong, and to feel like others are putting in as much effort as you are.

That being said. I agree that our friendship isn't as strong as it should be by now. When have either of us shared very much with each other? I have so much fun with you and I know that I care about you immensely, but I also feel that we don't know each other very well comparatively and that means that we have never fully been there for each other. Maybe because we always had Joce and phoebe there to buffer us actually getting to know each other in a best friend way, or that I felt you had so much more in common with them than with me, and so you were probably only there to hang out with them. That particular feeling has lessened in the last year or so, but clearly we still are far away from where we should be.

You are a lot better at expressing yourself in writing then I am, so I hope you are bearing with me.

Your message reads like, I am telling you this isnt working and its over...
But Jes, I can't deal with that. I love you and I want you to be happy but I don't believe that you can't be happy with me as your friend. I need to know how it can work so that our friendship isn't "dead weight".

I don't know what else I can say through a computer. I am sure that Phoebe and Joce are writing to you as well or will be soon. I want you to take whatever space you need right now, if any, but if you don't respond within a few days of getting this I am definitely going to call you. We need to hang out and really talk about this, whether you would see us individually or together, which ever way you want.

I love you


joce's response:
Jessica,
I know you said you didn't want to talk about it but im sorry, I can't just let you say that and walk away and out of my life, or where ever it is you are trying to go. Obviously I can't make you keep hanging out with me if you really don't want to and are just done with me and our freindship, but I love you, and im going to do whatever I can to keep you as a freind. I'm taking this alot more seriously than anything that ever happened with Maery or Devon because you are not the type of peron to say something like this for attention, or to get what you want, I know you arent doing that, and thats what is so scary about the whole thing.

Jessica I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel used and unappreciated. You give alot, i'm aware of that. You drive me places, cut my hair and are always willing to sacrifice sleep, or whatever to be there for your freinds. Thats something thats really amazing about you, but if being that kind of person makes you feel like thats the only reason that people are hanging out with you then I am so glad that you are going through this change that you are going through because you need the oppertunity to see that thats not true. If you couldnt drive, if you never cut my hair, im being completely honest when I say that it wouldnt change anything, I would still love you alot and want to spend time with you. I'm sorry if I havn't communicated that you very well in the past. I always had alot of really over sensitive people on my plate, and I think it may have made me group people into two categorys, one category that holds people who need to be coddeled and everything always watched and sugar coated, and the other category holding people who require no effort, and things are always light and easy with. Its a fault of mine that I do this, i'm trying to stop thinking of people like that, because really everyone has emotions and needs to be taken care of once in a while.

Another fault of mine that may have lead to you feeling this way for so long is my tendancy to avoid conflict of any kind. I knew you werent ok, theres been lots of times in the past few months when we are hanging out in a group of four or five where you are just silent, and obviously not ok, and instead of taking you aside and trying to deal with it I always tell myself its family stuff, or stuff with other people, and that you will talk to me if you need to. But thats not the case, all this time its been me that you have been having the problem with. I'm sorry that we couldnt talk about this before it became such a big deal.

I don't know what to say, because this situation is something that is not new to me, and i'm always on this side of it. My old best freind fom elementary school, she had these feelings, obviously Devon suffered with this kind of stuff for years, Maery as well, and even Phoebe on occasion. I want to say im sorry, and i'll fix it, but I don't know even know how to start. Its never intentional ever. I love you, I love every one of my freinds who have had this problem, I don't want to make you feel like this, and I also really don't want to lose you as a freind. So im going to do everything in my power to make those two things a reality, but I need to know what you think of it all, if you are willing to give it another chance or not.

I'm not talking about keeping everything the same, because honestly things arent the same. This sounds cheesy, but we arent in highschool anymore, we can't just rally everyone together after school and hang out every day in big groups. We arent all living the same lives anymore, all these different things we are doing, and people we are meeting are changing us, we are all growing into ourselves a bit more. I believe that, but I also believe that we still need connections to our old lives, our old selves, I don't want to lose all our memorys and the chance to make new memorys. Maybe the big group hangout thing isnt as satisfying as it used to be. I think if freindships are going to work then smaller groups and one on one time is really going to have to happen. Because like you said, you don't tell me about half of your life, what kind of freindship is that if you feel like you can't even tell me about the new important things that are happening in your life.

That is something I can see and feel and try to change. I won't mother you if you don't want me to. I just want you to know that whatever I said, however I acted it was always because I love you. And i'm not going to lie to you and tell you im super pumped that your developing these self destructive habits, but I know you know what I think and from now on i'll keep it to myself. I'll always listen to you if you need to talk and even if its not something I would want for myself I still want to hear about these new things you are doing, how you are feeling, im sorry if you didnt know that I would want to talk about that stuff, because I would.

In the last few months Ive noticed you becoming a bit more sarcastic, a bit more withdrawn, and really recently as in the last few weeks its become alot more apparent. I thought it might be because of the whole Simon thing, I thought you were mad at me because you thought I was a huge asshole for doing this. I didnt bring it up, I didnt want to have to try and justify myself because there is nothing I can say. I'm really really trying to make everything work with Phoebe, its not perfect, nothing is perfect but it seems to be going more or less ok now, and it was just too much, to be putting that much effort into trying to solve the problem and to be thinking that you someone who was outside of it all was mad at me for it without even asking to hear my side of the story. Its also one of the reasons that I have been kind of self absorbed recently, some really intense stuff has happened and ive been putting everything I have into trying to make those things work.

But were talking about more then the last couple of weeks, I suppose there is no excuse for this past year, I can only say what I have said to try and explain my side of things, but really all I can say is that I love you and I want to keep on spending time with you.

We can talk about it, we can try and forget about it with the understanding that we are going to try and make things work, whatever you want. I just don't want to lose you as a freind.

But its in your hands, you are going through this big change, its your life that you are shaping. Just please let me know how I can be apart of it.
Joce

From Phoebe:

I agree with many of the things you say:

Yes you are changing, and for the most part very much for the good. I have watched you grow into a more confident, strong person since we first met. It is so important to stand up for yourself, and be yourself, and be in situations where you feel good. It is important to be able to say no, and tell people what's what, and stick up for yourself. This is all true, and very good for you.

What kills me is that you don't see how much I love and appreciate you.

I can't believe it doesn't seem like it to you. Clearly, it is a fault of mine for not saying it enough or not showing it enough, but I value you so much. Jessica, you are one of my best friends of all time. I love talking to you, about everything. I value your opinions, I respect you when you need to talk, I tell you about all the big issues in my life. I love when we go shopping for dresses. I love our late night drives and talks. I love when we get scared, and when we get hysterical, and when we watch awful chick flicks together. I love how we always seem to have the same views on things. I'm so comfortable around you.

I love you so fucking much, and I am ashamed that I was a big part of the problem for you in the last little while. I could tell you weren't doing too good, but I guess I was arrogant in thinking it didn't have to do with me.

You are not an outcast in our group. We all love having you around. You are so fun, and smart, and funny, and chill, and serious and such a good person to be around. I feel guilty at how surprised I am that you don't see how much we value you... I should have seen, but it just always seemed like such a good dynamic. Jessica, I love you so much. I wish I could make you see that.

As far as these specific issues go, such as you not wanting to be mothered... Jessica, I would never tell you what to do, or how to live your life. I get a little worried for all my friends that get into anything like drugs or alcohol, but I wouldn't tell you to stop, not ever. The closest I would get to that would be suggesting cutting back, but only because I care so much. I have watched people fall into drug-related stupors. More than once. I can't help but be worried about everyone, just a little. But I wouldn't mother you about it; to be perfectly honest, I love smoking pot with you. Some of the best highs I've ever had have been with you, when we are laughing SO hard. You know the times I mean.

And calling... I hardly call anyone ever. I really actually have most of my friends on my case about that all the time. Please don't feel snubbed by me, not ever, for something like that. Half the time if I call someone, it's to ask them something.

I understand why you hadn't said anything earlier. I know the feeling of not wanting things to change because of guilt or whatever; how it's better for people to come around on their own. But sometimes, you have to say something. I wish you had said something, I wish I knew. I love you so much, and it's painful to see how negatively I have affected you.

It was so much fun a few summers ago, when you and Joce and I would hang out all the time, all night, eating pizza and making up stupid inside jokes, but we have all become so busy. Being busy is no excuse for neglecting friends. But I work full time, you are in school all the time. You are stressed constantly and I am depressed constantly. It does feel like we hardly see each other, but Jessica you are one of the people I see most. And you have no idea how much our ridiculous back and forth texts make my day. All the time.

Your message sounded so final, which scares the hell out of me. Jessica, it was wrong of me to think things were so incredibly good between us when obviously they weren't. I felt like our friendship was strong, and like I said you are one of my best friends; one of the best I've ever had. I apologize if I haven't been that for you. But Jessica, I am not giving up that easily.

If you have just decided we're a miserable lot and that you never want to see us again, maybe you would know best. But I don't want to let our friendship just die like that. It would kill me. I try to be a good friend, and value and respect those I love so much, but I have been told before that I am a failure at this; what can I do? Tell me what I can do. I am who I am, and if that isn't enough, it's going to really hurt me to lose you, but I want to make this work. I love you so much. I love you so much.

I don't take you for granted. If you think I do, then you don't see how much I value you.

I don't know what else I can say, but you have to understand that I mean it with all my heart. I wouldn't say any of it if I didn't mean it.

I chose to reply over facebook so that you can read and reread what I have written here, and make your own choices.

But Jessica, I love you so much. You are a huge part of my life. Part of who I am is because of you.

I don't want this to end.

I feel so relieve now. i feel like everything is out in the open. I feel like my pallete has been wiped clean. I feel so cleansed. I feel better. ALSO! I got 93% on my Excel Exam, WOOOOOOO which as like THE best thing thatIve heard.

Well technically i got 68.1% but then Pevec gave us an extra 25% because of the numerus gliches that occured throughout the exam.

for example, the exam was suppose to be and hour and 15 but it was only an hour and no one finished it on time.

but yeee, I'm suppose to meet up with bethany tonight, and have a study sesh for our accoutning midterm, but she has yet to call me.

i think have finally found an emotional attachment to music.

i love love love LOOOOOOOVE instrumental music.

i love intrumental john Frusciante, I love Magic Hour by Eplosions in the Sky, I love Ratatat!

it just clicks iside of me.

i'm pretty sure that i'm back on my A game for bleaching my hair! wooooooo! it's about time.


i love how by damaging my hair it makes me feeeeeel so much better!
i love it.

more and moer each day, i consider getting a counsellor.
but i don't know how i would feel about that.

i don't like setting up appointments. I would like it if i could just walk in an have someone there.

but i know that it's pretty naive to believe that they'll just do that. I know unless it's an emergency. which i don't think that this is.

i dont' know who i have become.

i don't even know if I would like me if I met me right now.
I feel like i wouldn't. I'm cranky as hell all the time, and I'm so moody.
I'm a spaz, and I'm a bitch.

I'm also a flake these days.

i ate flakes. who have i become?!

who the fuck am i? i feel like I am changing in a good way, but i'm doing it in a bad way.

I just want to drop people, and just walk away. I finally want ot think about me, but I don't want ot be selfish in the way that I go about it.

I want to be reasonable but right now i am not. I'm ONLY thinking about myself. But really, I'm still nothappy. but it has put some ease to it.

I want to be more confident. I want to care less about waht people think. I want to be okay. I want to be at ease. I want to be okay with saying no.

I want to deal with thngs better.
What if I drop them and I'm still not okay?

but it was worth the try right? better than just trying to make something work when it wasn't. better than being unsatisfied for a long while, then trying something new.

It's chanege time. it's just trial and error. It's all just one big experiemetn.

i hope it's for the best. i hope, emotionally, i'll be better. I hope i'll be stronger, i hope i will find better people to be around with.

i want to stop crying for the same damn reasons all the time. I want to stop crying because I don't know why, but it has become such a routine that it just feels nessccary.

and it shoudn't be like that. it's not healthy.

living the way that I'm living right now is not healthy either. I'm changing but maybe i"m putting myself back by picking up smoking.

I have cut back on other things though.


I have been thinking about itlately, and I want to try E, and maybe shrooms. But i dont' know. it's scary.


Michelle did cokoe last night, which i saw coming whn she told me that she was hanging out with Courtney.

I dont' know what's wrong with her. I feel like we're both feeling the same way. just agigtated as fuck, and grumpy all the time.

I have also decided taht I need to stop swearing, i have developd such a potty mouth. It's ugly, and disgusting, an I need to stop.

I hope I do well with my exam and midterms. Jesse Deggan has become my reason to show up for English class. hah!

I'm so pathetic.

i'm pretty sure that i've developed a smoking prolem.

i don't smoke much weeeeed anymore, but i do smoke cigerettes now, slash bulls eyes/prime times.

i just want to drop it, and go.

and leave, without any notices to anyone, except for maybe michelle.

i just want to pack up ad leave, or mayeb even without packing.

i just want to go.
i want to drive my ass to the other side of the country.


i just don't want o feel this conflicted anymore.

im' so sick of helping poeple out and get nothing in return.

i know that itshouldn't be like that, but it has come down to the point where it is.


i'm sick of giving and not getting.

i don't care how selfish it is, but when HAS IT EVER BEEN ABOUT ME?!

exaclty.

i'm obviusly not feeling liek this because i'm about to get my period. because it's been like this for a while now, and i don't know what to say.

I wish i could be a bit more appeasing, but I can't. Not anymore. I'm sick of being in this rut. I'm sick of getting walked all over. I've had enough, I'm done. I don't care if I'm a bitch. I don't care i I'm unpeasant to be around, but I honestly justdon't care anymore. if this is howthey treat me this is how i'm going to treat them, and I don't FUCKIGN CARE.

I do'nt want to care anymnore. I'm so done. I'm out. I'm donnnnnnnne. fuck.

im' sick of always ahving to bring this up, i'msick of always just talk and nothing to show.

i'm done. I'm so done. I don't care how destructive that I am beng wiht m ybody, but this is how it's going to have to be until everything is going to be settled down, which probably wont be until a while from now.


I'm sick of being "content". I'm outtttttie.

i flaked out on joce and them alst night. felt kind of bad cause' ti was for alan's birthday, but kind of good cause' i didn't want to go anyways.


yeaaaaah. I know i know two wrongs don't make a right, but it sure does make me feel good.


maybe i'm already going throug my mid-life crisis or something. I'm so grumpy. I'm so agitated all the time. I'm never happpy.

all i ask for is just one companion. somehow i wont find irritable flaws in.

maybe it's just how i am. maybe it's how i operate.
I find a companionship within someone, but then i drop them cause' they're getting too close. I find there flaws, and pick away at it. mayeb thats my down=fall.

which, makes me so fearful of the future.


i hate who i am, or maybe it's just who i've become.

i don't want to just exist. i want to have somehting to live for, i want to have a reason to wake up in the morning.

i don't want to dread life. i don't want to be unhappy anymore. idon't want to stress, and i just want things to be sorted out.

i don't want to be doing things taht I doin't want to do anymore.


i want to take a break. I want to just figure things out. I need to deal with somethings first.

i need to stop holding on to dead weight. I need to stop trying to make things work that arn't going to work.


i want to be gone. i want to move away. i wish i had a job right wo, or else i would have,.
this whole IBC thing is teaching to be a manager.

i wish life was stress-free, and maybe then I could not be worrying about developig an ulcer every day of my life.

so i got my nose pierced agin yesturday.
kylie and I skipped marketing to go get it done, haha.

we have officially fired gurvina today. We wont admit it, but I have become the leader, sort of.

I'm always the bearer of bad news, and I seem to b the go-to girl for things.

I'm always stuck being the editor and what not, and yeeeeeeah.

I had my most major breakdown yet on monday. usually in time like that I just want to be at home and alone, and typing away to a blog, but that day i just needed someone to talk to, and to finally let it all out.

I have not been happy for the past month, and probabyl even before that.

I'm very unhappy at the stage that I am in right now. I hate school, and I hate having to stya up late working on homework. I hate not getting some relax time, and i hate how much effort i have to put in something that i dont' like.

Last week, i stayed up until around 3am every night. becasue I was trying to work on the group skills CD project that was due last friday, but because of software, computer, and camera issues we couldn't get it dne on time. So we asked Troy for an extensions at first he was okay, and then we asked him again to confirm it and he seemed a bit agigtated. But then monday rolls around and he's all comforting and a-okay with the situation.

after that class, as I was driving home, I just realized how not okay I am with things. I just felt this sudden loneliness. So i started calling people, but no one picked up, and I ended up pullingo ver on to the side of the road to have a moment, aka cry fest in my car.

just as I was pulling away michelle calls me back, and I ended up meeting up with her. We went to fujiya to get dinner, and on the way there I was like bawling out my eyes, and telling her everything that has been going wrong lately, and fron previuos months. things that has been bottling up within.

we then went to mt tolmie, ad her and I had a big dicussion about her boyfriend, and I most definitely felt like DR Phil.


they were the most intense conversations I had ever had.

and needless to say, they were the best advise i had ever given someone.


I mainly felt like I had no time to do evrything, and eveything and anything that was adding on to what i have to do was just get really overwhelming.

I had lived off of energy drinks for last week. I pretty muhc had one a day and sometimes even two.

i also felt pretty underapprecitate, but that, I had been feeling for a while now.

Michelle and I spent like 3 hours jsut straight talking, and trying to figure things out.

I love giving advise, but for once I would like to hear some as well, but with my situation the only thing that woul solve it would be me moving away.

I'm done with Victoria, and I'm unhappy. I don't have anything to look forward to each day, except for another chore, but that is not so much of a reason, but more so a have to.

There's this guy in my english class, his name is jesse, and I want to get to know him. hahahaha. i'm fucking lame.

i don't know what it is about him. He seems like sucha bad ass, but he's like super english dude, and I'm so intimidated by him, but he also seems a bit gay, so i dont'know.

He's pretty blunt, but also sarcastic. That's what I like in a man, haha. or a part femme-man?

i had an accouting quiz today, and I think i bombed it mad-core.


anyways, monday night I slpt over at devon's cause' she was leaving the next day.

phebe, joce, maery and i met at joces an then migrated over. Phoebe rode in my car, and i can't remember who had intiated the conversation, but I jsut ended up bawling again. We sat outside of Devon's house and we just talked slash I did all of the talking, and I think she was pretty shocked? or just stunned.

I don't think she has ever seen me cry that hard before.

i basically told her everything that i had told michelle. And I basically said that that group of friends was kind of the cause of my problems-ish, but not really. it was subtle.

yeah so it was a cryfest yet again.



the next day (yesturday) devon left. ican't even believe that she is gone. it's just weird. I miss her.


i went to school looking like complete shit. my eyes were all swollen and red, and nasty.
and I didn't have any make-up on, and i hadn't shower. so i was basically on my a-game.

this past saturday, was devo's good-bye party. i was baked as fucckkkk.

so , i've basically stopped blazing, but have started smoking, haha.

I know i'm being pretty destructive to my body, and I need to start getting some exercise.

buuuuuuut school has prevented me from doing so. or at least that's my excuse for now.


foooooooooooookkkkkk

almost at 600.

soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo there's this really hot black guy in my accounting class, and I have his phone number, ha!

i'm pretty much just blushing right now as i'm typing this.

I called Alyssa when I was leaving school because I as wondering where she was. and she was with ashley so ashley came and met up with me, and I was trying to light my bullseye but my lighter wouldn't work so I asked her if she had a light, and she's like "hold on" then she grabs it from me walks up the stairs and asks the black guy (koly) and a white guy (zeph)for a light. s they gave her one, and they started talking so I walk up the stairs and joined in. And after that zeph guy left, and it was just koly, ashley and i, and we're just standing there talking.

and she asks him if he blazes and obviously he does, who doesn't? haha.

but yeah she's like take his number down, so now i have his umber and he has mine.

today, ashley came over at like 2 an we did homework until like 6 and after dinner she tried to find numbers for us to buy off of and so she called koly because he said that he lives close to people that sells and their shit is good. but he never picked up his phone.

at 11:20pm-ish he called me back and i wa like "uhh... yeah this is Jessica. Ashley tried calling you earlier." haha.

and I as fucking blushing, and it was awkward cause' my brother picked up, haha.

but yeah, fuck he's hot, and he's like "well then I guess I'll see you in the morning then" aww yeee. hahahah

soooooooo i'm sick of kayla calling me to tell me about eveery aspec o michle's life. i dn't care.

fuck man i don't knw what to do.
ihatethe circe of friends ihave rght now

i justwant to move away. fuck this FUCK YOU BOGGER.COM.
i want to move away. i want to start all over. fuck.

i just hate my life rgtnw. kjhasdfjkasdflsadfh and i fucking hate thi site.

i don't wantto b here anymore i'm so done.
i'm done. i have never been so okay with dying before. i can't eve imagine my life 10 yers from nw.
i am sounhappy.
i am so agigtated, s anxious. so fuking everything. i have nothing to live for. iam not excellnt atnyting.

i hate beng in one spot al thetime,. i'msick o crying for the same reasosall th time. i'mfed up.

thi was'tmy year t g back to scool. i needed a break. i really need a break.

i'm pretty i'm going to tak a year offafter this year.
maybe not,fuck.
i hatebeing in a fcing dilemma.





fuck m life.

college is not how i imagind tto be.
im nt motivated to ak any new friends bcause non of them seem friend worthy to me.

whatevs

i ust want tobe out ad working. fuc this laptop and t's fuckingkeyboard.
fuuuuuck.
i don't know what to do.

i'msick of pople rigtnw.

i'vehadmy phoneoff for the past two days,and it's so liberating.
sooo fuc this keyboard, or fuckthi site. fuuuck,

i'm so sick of being stuck in this drama all the time. it's so fucking draining. How can you tell someone you care about so much that they're a fucking dumbass.

how can you tell someone who needs you so much to fuck off??

Michellefuck,man.

I get so fed up with her sometimes. She's such a child. I don't want to hear any more shit about her and fucking dexter.

she keeps asking me for fucking advise, but she doesn't listen. she doesn't. but she'll deny it.

i' fed up. I do so much shit for her.

it's like a fucking slap in the face wen she does shit like this. i'm sick ofalways trying to do shit for people but just end up getting slapped back.


its disrespectful to the fullest extent. it's frsutrating, and ti's not fair.

how can i care for someone who doesn't listen.

how can i take her seriously when she two-face herself. fuck.

fuck man
i'm getting my period soonnnnnnnnnnnnn. it's just this moood that i get into.

but mihelle and i are going to the gym hopefully soon!
i need to work out. I'm ick of being a big lard.

i hate school. It gives me such bad anxiety.
i feel like crying and just not showing up for classes.

i hate english, it's so intimidating. i hate peer editing, and in front of class anything.
i hate my group.
i my how i am lately
just smoking weed everyday, and not getting enough sleep and not studying like i should.

fuck maryjane man.

i just want to fucking cry. I want to take up boxing lessons or some kind of fighting whatever. i need have better time management, and stop blazing so much. save it for the weekend.



frick.

saw BSB on friday with Nicole R.

it was amazing. I wish I couldt ell you about it right now, but I'm being too stubborn and frustratd to tell you.

fuck i'm fucking angry right now.

i just want to be out and about.. but I'm too worried thikningabout school .






fuck my life.
fuck this.

fuuuuuuuckkkkk

i just want o fuckng scream, and dfucking beat shit up.

I must have fucking fat fingers ro something, cause' I seem to be hitting a lot of extra keys.














































FUCK FUCK UFCK UFCKU


FUCKFU FUCKLFUFOCJUFKICKUFKFUCKFUCKFUFKCUFKCUFKCUFKCUGKVUFKCKFUKFUICKKCKCK
UFKF
FUCK


FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKr




fuck my life.

I am so sick of having to call in to change my fuckign cellphone plan!
what the fuck is having a fuckign cellphone store for?!
why do i AND the people at the fucking stores need to chaneg it through the phone!


I don't get it.

It's fuckign frustrating having to keep calling them back every week and be put on hold for fucking 45 mintues ad then be told that i coudn't change my plan at thta time because of somehting.

I've been tryiing forabout a fucking month right now

the first time i went to the store to get it changed, and tey had to call in and we wated for about 30 minutes and so decided to go home and do it there.

i waited 5 days before i called but i did, it was 3am.. and they told me that their system was down and told me to call back in 20 mintus and i did nd was on hold for a good 30 minutes, then they told me that I couldn't change it cause' I wasn't my mom and i wasn't authorize to do it, FUCK YOU.

so then i called back.. but they had sent me to the wrong place and was put on hold for another 30 mintutes WOO HOO


so i ended that one pretty fast


called back and pretended to be my mom.. buuuuuut they couldn't change it cause' we had to call back at the end of my montly cycle.



so i called back to day adn was put on hold for however long


thhhhhhhhhhhens he tells me taht i couldn't cause i'm on some fucked corporate shit and it was close today but call back tomorrow

and fuck shit and shit.


and right now I feel as thoguh I'm developing probably some kind of ulcer from being so fuking frustrated.


I'm really reasonable wen it comes to store policies and understand that it's not the person who's delievering me the bad news' fault.. but it IS their FAULT when they don't tell me everything fromt he beginning.


it's fuckign frustratng to have to keep calling back and be put on fuckign hold for god knows how long.

i'm ALSO sick of people havng ucking cellphones but never have it on them or never having it on.


orrrrrrrrr when they do have them on it's on fuckign vibrate.

i just want to break every phone in the fuckign houserigh tnow.

our phones fucking suck, and I'm uckign fed up


I just want to beat shit up.
I fuckign hate this keyboard, it's fuckgi slow as fuck.


PS i think that i might hve mono.





































fuck rogers, and fuck them for fuckign screwing around with me.

michelle is coming home on friday.
i don't knowwwwwww what to think about it.
i'm starting school tomorrow /today.
I'm nervous anxious, scared?

'm hopeing it's going to be okay, and I'm hoping that it's not going to be regular timing for classes. or else I'm going to be there for a ridiculously long tme. -_-"

aiiiiiih.

i really want a second tattooo but I don't know what to get. I want to get more animals but really animals don't mean much to me.

i want it to say something but i don't know what of.





werrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd.

dfashjksf

i just want to go away.
i wish I was doing what I'm doing somewhere else.
i'm not happy where I am.

time collapses in feathered kingdoms, where princes are not princes but soldiers of fortune.

outer shells caved, paved and saved. Alibis unclear, and time seems to only be compressing. Hearts skip on weekly basis.
momentum, and free fall.

to joe witkowskyj:

I fucking hate you. I don't think that we could be friends again, ever. We're nothing more than just acquaintences now, and frankly, I'm quite okay with that. I can't stand how self centered you are, and the fact that you're so cocky that you think you can read people but in all honesty you suck at it, and you just look arrogant. You're played out like a movie. You act like as if life should be treated like a movie. You're so fake. Do you even have real friends? If not, i could care less. Cause' I'm sick of being treated like crap. You're definitely lower than dylan on my list of friends, which is kind of sad if you think about it. I can't stand the person that you have become.

I can't beieve that you fucking used me, and still stand to call yourself my friend. You may think that I'm JUST going through a phase right now, but I don't want anything to do with you or people like you in my life, ever again. You're fucking filth, and I hate you. No matter how much you apologize (if you do, probably not) I can't accept it for reals. If I ever decide to forgive, which would take a hell of a long time to, I won't forget.. and that would dent our "friendship". I really needed to get this out, for closure. But perhaps for the finale I would need to say this to your face, and I feel as though I need to say it to your face to satisfy my need.

How dare you act like you know, but really you fucking don't! How dare you treat me like shit when I was a fucking pushover, no fucking morals? Words actually just can't describe how I feel. I feel like kicking the shit out of you. Verbally and physically. I'm glad that I don't drink, or else if I did it around you I would start a fight. You're fucking dirt, and I can't believe that I just let you use me.

I just have so much hate inside of me. I can't.. i just can't be friends with you. I don't want anything to do with you. This may be too harsh, but I don't think this even comes close enough to what I'm feeling, justice.

I can't talk to you right now, and probably not for a long time. I can't even take what you say seriously- like "let's hang out".. and shit.


fuck you, and good-bye.
jessica

i've gotten so pathetic that I don't even know what to write.

i just feel like binging lately.
for some reason i just want to eat all the time. it's weird. it's like i get really full but then 10 minutes later i want to eat.

it's just wild.

so maery and devon got me wanting tojump on the bandwagon for the DivaCup. It's a rubber cup that can hold an ounce of liquid. And you jus stick it up you and it'll hold your blood. Just clean it out every 12 hours, and you could take it out and check it.. and i think i likethe sounds of that better then having to think " i should probably cange my pad now... " but then don't and then have bad feelings in my tummy afterwards. so i don' tknow. joce and i might get one, but we'll see.


i'm hanging out with Kyle Garvey tomorrow, and maybe with joce and such as well. I love kyle, even though he can be quit ethe ass.. but now i can take it. before it just made me hate him. But i don' tknow sometimes I just want to punch him in the face.

I REALLY want to see Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2.


For some reason i've been in such a crying mood lately, or a I want to write shit mood. But i can't write. I'm too abstract.


i'm so nervous about school. I have such a love-hate feeling about it. I'm scared as fuck about how hard i'm going to have to work for it. But it's so beneicial to what I want to do in the future, and i'm going to need to do this sooner or later so I might as well just get it over with. I hate reading, and I hate studying my ass off. I just hate working hard--- school-wise. I don't mind physical labour, but mind labour is just exhausting. I'm hoping that a couple of my classes will be easy.

friiiiiiiiick.

August 20, 2008.

i do'nt know what i'm feeling right now.

i'm just feeling pretty lonely, and scared, and worried, and content, and a bit of eveything almost.

i got my tattoo touched up. it definitey didn't hurt as much this time around.

devon and i had to call the ambulance this morning around 4:15am.
around 4:00am my granma woke me up by screaming my name. she was on the ground. i thought it was some complications with her dibetes and same with her. so, i gave hr a sugar cube tosuck on and some crackers. and some water.

and hr beathing was very deep and heavy. and she felt faint and sore from the fall.

i had to carry her to her chair where i fed her an such.

i woke up thinkin that she was going to yell at me, and not even thinking that it could have been something serios.

i called my dad and freaked out, and ask hi what ishould do.

i carried her to the bathroom and she had poo'ed herself.
so i got her soe new underwear.
helped her put pants on.
and then whn i was helping put her pants on she started to puke.

it was purple, and dark, and gross.. and maybe it was blood that she had puked up, but i'm not sure because i ddin't geta good glance at it.

so at that point, i told devon to call the ambulane because there was no way that i culd have driven her to the hospital without having to stop over on the side of the road and help her.

umm...

the ambulance came 15 minutes later, and the paramedics were on their game, and such and gt me to translate.

they got me to ride in the ambulance, and devon drove the van.

we arrived at the hospital, and they admitted her into the emergrency room.

apparently she has low blood pressure, and her heart wasn't beatng fast enough.

they gave her a stimulat that made her heart beat faster. they also had to stick atube up her to drain out all the urine and such.

and such, and we were there for 3 hours.

devon had to go to work, and i just went home and napped for an hour and half
the doctor called me and woke me up and asked if i could give consent to them sticking a tube down her throat to see where she was bleedoing from.

then joce called, and then i told her what was happening, and she biked over as i showered, and we went ot the hospital together.

we wandered around trying to look or the doctor, and so we just went ot my grandma's room instead.
but they told us to wait in the waiting room.

there, the doctor found me and he asked me somequestions.

annd they didn't find any bleeding happeneing. annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd yeha. bascially it.

after that we went to robinson's where devon bought abunh of hiking stuff .


i like to kee stuff like that pretty personal.. so having devon tell a bunch of people kind of bothered me.



I don't do well in hospitals. i just don't.

likei said before.. i don't care if she craoks.. but just not on my watch. not if i could stop it.