fuuuck, i love cuddling. :)
CANADA DAY TOMORROW!

woooooooooooo.
it's going to be a gong shooow, fo sho.

WINNERS ROAD TRIP WITH MAGGIE TODAY!!
pretty nervousssss.

fuck, so i'm going to the interurban campus instead of the lansdowne campus!
SHITTTTTTY FUCKNG DEAL. :(

i really wish things could work between richard and i
what the fuck is his problem?
well, obviuosly it's my problem.

i just fuckign wnat someone to fucking cuddle with.
i hate myself.

ifeel like i have nothing going for me, at all.

i feel like i don't have the support under me.

i'm scared to move on.

i'm scared of the thought that I migh be alonefor the rest of my life.

i'm scaed that I hae nthing good left for me.

i don't even know what to do anymore.
Michelle would be the one that I would call up and talk to when i have a problem, and i've grown such an attachment to that way of living.

but idon't have that anyhmore.
it's jsut back to me bottling it up again.

it's like she broke me down, but now i'm left like this.


all i ever want to do is just cry. and for her to be home right now. i want to be selfish, and have her here.

fuck.

i miss her so much.
i don't want to be fcking alone.

fuck. this sucks so much.

so michelle left.
and i fuckin hate it.

th day before she left, we all hung oput and it was relaively a bad day.
everyone was moody, and it was shitty.

everyone includingm e.

i miss her already, and she's been gone just over 24 hours.

when she left.
kayla courtney and i just crfied.
kayla not so much.
but courtne and i were just crying the whole way i was drving.
annd when i dropped kayla off courtney and i just bawled.

we ended pulling over on the side of the road in some farm area near her house, and just blazed a bowl.

annd it took us so long before we even could, cause' we were crying so hard.

i wish she hadn't left.
and she feels the same way, i know.
but i know shes justfeeling that now becasue she knows hat we're really good friends.
and she is anamazing friend. probably the best i've ever had.

i wish her all the luck.

i know she's going to love being there, and being with her boyfriend, dexter.

but it's just shitty that he has to be in manitoba.

i don't know what to do about Richard.
I know he doesn't like me, and I think he knows that I like him.



pretty much hungout with him and some peeps for the half of the day.
i wish I didn't have such low self esteem from shit like this.

I wish I could write well, annnnnnd compose songs.
i wish.

annd i wish i wasn't such a flail.

i wish michelle wasn't leaving tomorrow.
at 9:20am.

annd it's my cousin's wedding that day, so I'mgoing to have to be all dressed up, i think.


annnd thenon sunday it's mr. wilson's dinner/luncheon thing.
monday is my last shift at winners, but I'm contemplating whether i should call in sick/ no show it.
haha.

i feel pathetic.

iam pathetic.

fuck school, and fuck guys.
fuck.
fuck.

fuck life. and fuck boys.
fuck me being fucking pathetic at fucking life.

my day just got betterrrrrrrr.

i wish that there wasn't more than one girl.
fck competition.

i want this, so bad.

i think life is just about to go up.
unless he turns around and asks someone else ot.
if he doesn't ask me out by monday, then on monday I'm going to go fr it.

"i am talking to him right now, he won't tell me who he likes, but he wants a girlfriend. he wants someone. and he says there are a few, and i seriously bet you are on that list. he is attracted to people who are sweet to him, and funny and affectionate"


so make my move?
OBVS.

today was good and bad

good, because quality bonding time with Richard.
we were talking about my hamster thang again, annnnnnnd then he was like
"k fine.. let's go ask teh teacher if she'll give you makrs"
because I was saying that she wont give me marks because I don't think that a hamster would count as an art project.

so he grabbed my hand and took me to Ms. Jones and asked her if she'll give me marks for my hamster, an d he was right.
thhhhhhhhhen outside he was playing with my earrings.
I feel like such a little elemnetary girl.


i just want to be with him. I just want to cuddle with him, and just be frickin' happy.
I think that we're compatible.

i had a little emo break down last night over this.

i jsut can't believe that yet again I was so close it just goes away.

i feel fucking heart broken.
i wnat to know that at least he likes me back.
so that mayb e i could talk to him and tell him that i| like him,
but I understand the fact that he doesn't date.
but maybe we should try hanging out first before anythng.

just so we know, and if thing get awkward, there's the summer ot simmer off.
before we go to school together.

"i don't think so. not at all. if you talked to him about it, you'd know what i mean. he wouldn't want to date you if you were the love of his life at this point. he has dug hmiself into the pit of despair, relationship wise. mentally, that is."



i don'tk now what to think anymore.
i don't knw. I want to ask him out.. but fck..I'm scared as fuck about rejection. I take it seriuosly, and personally. really personally.


i need to do things like that over MSN or the phone, but that's just the pussy way out of facing reality.


fuck. I don't know what to do.
phoebe says that I shuld be really friendly with him. But i donl't know how to be any more friendlier, other than jumping on him and making out with him.


I'm scared shitless right now as well. But I don't know what to do. I honestly think, to him, it should be obviuos that I like him.

I just wnat to hangout with him, but I wouldn't know what todo that isn't date like.

i feel like screaming.
i want to go on a run. I want to run away, and be happy with someone who will fuking grow some fckng balls.

i'm sick of me always choosing the wrong guys.
I'm sick of me liking every single guy at least once.

but for the second time in my life that I actually think that this could have gone somewhere, i sucks.

this whomps big time.

story of my fucking life.




and life moves on.

well then


"hmmm... okay, looking back, i did ask him if he liked you, because you guys went to grad together and stuff, it came up. and he said that you were great, and his favourite at grad, but that he "didn't want to date you or anything" because he "doesn't date" and "fears relationships and girls". but i don't that's specific to you, i just think all girls."


well, that's good.
not.

so apparently this is what richard thinks

"well, here is what i've learned. he "doesn't date", but that means he would just never make the moves, the moves would have to be made on him. probably relatively strongly. and if he had preferences to girls (which he doesn't, because he "doesn't date" ), it would be only that the girl accept him for who he is, and enjoy cuddling."

that is phoebe's sneaky research.


sooooooooooooo i do have to make the moves.
i do accept him for who he is, obviuosly.
and i do enjoy cuddling.
friccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.

i told phoebe to talk about me with him.
frik.

it would be nice if I didn't have to ask him. It would be nice if he just did it.

it would make me feel a bit better about myself.

i reall don't know what to do about the whole Richard situation.

like, I like him and all.. and want to hang out with him just to see how it is, but i don't know what to do.

joce suggests bowling.. but I don't know, or a movie.


i think dating is just going to be too weird for me.


i want a guy who's built like Anthony, has a tough ass exterior but is a fucking sweet heart, who loves cuddling, who's funny, nice, caring, can be seriuos, knows how to take charge, and knows how to le me get my way sometimes as well, who is not cocky, who is modest, into drikning and blazin occassionally, likes the same kind of music, has their own sense of style, knows themselve well enough to not let anything get to them, knows how to laugh at themselves,

it's like i'm writing about Richard, but really don' tknow.

I think I'm just thinknign about it too much that I'm about to talk myself out of it.
if I keep holding back I'll nevr gt anyone.

ould want him to make the first moves hough, and I think that thatll be hard? I don't know


I just want to ask him out, but I don't know what we'll do as our "first date?" hahah.

hahahhha, maybe mini golfing? then i don' tkno.. ice cream or something?

it's just that we don't get alone time at school, so I never get the opportunity to ask him... fuck I just want him to ask me.

I hate this.
I hate that I'm thinking about making the first move, |I hate thatI don't know if he likes me back or not.

I wish i knew or else I would definitely just go for it.
I'm just so scared that he's going to say no.

i'm pretty sure that i'm going to ask him out soon.
or at least i want to.
annnnnnnnd im' pretty sure taht I should start studying for math soon.
:)


frick i don't know whento do it.. but like i said before I should just do it, and not have it planned.


so last night
me, devon, alistair, tenzin, peter, dylan, josh brakefield, graham, and duncan
dug up the school field and wrote GRAD 08 on it, annnd today Ms Charlton made the grad class go out on the field and put the dirt back, aha!


devon and I put vaseline on all the handles to the entrances, annnnd wrapped up the doorway with Yarn. It was pretty priceless.

it took us 3 hours. we left around 2am.
it was soo good! annnnd the grad class liked it they were saying how good it was, and like it wasn't a shit job or anything it was actually planned out and everything was lined up and everything.


it was tight as fuck!
i think some peopel were thinking of going back at night and salting the ground so that it'll stay like that, but it's just frickin' hilarious, and I feel so proud to be part of it.

woo.

but charlton was shitting bricks and was pretty pissed.


speaking of piss


we had blockaded the door way near the annexes with all of our dirt annnd
Josh, tenzin and dylan peed in the dirt. so the grad class touched their pee.

it was pricelss.

yarn was everywhere. we like yarned up the annexes it was good.

but josh cracked and confessed but he didn't name names.

Ps. Alistair and I are on conversation level.

it's tight.

Ten Things People Won't Guess By Just Looking At You
1. i cry a lot
2. i have a fake tooth
3. I don't eat beef or pork.
4. I love vegetarian borscht
5. I speak Cantonese pretty fluently.
6. I love doing hair
7. I get along with everyone.
8. I'm dyslexic
9. I'm pretty close with my brother
10. I'm more of a small dogs person.

Nine Things You Want To Do Before You Die
1. visit machu pichu
2. walk ALL of the Great Wall of China
3. open up a hair/beauty salon
4. paint a whole house, inside and out.
5. have kids, a family and a art studio.
6. apply for my senior citizenship discount.
7. be rich
8. Travel around china
9. be truly happy and content.

Eight Things You Say Everyday
1. Oh really?
2. COOOL
3. later days
4. flail
5. hey boi
6. sup chica
7. fook you
8. well then

Seven Things You Hate
1. forgetting my cellphone at home or wherever.
2. being a procrastinator
3. cockiness
4. people who do really embarassing things but thinks it's really cool.
5. being babied
6. nagging
7. two-facedpeople

Six Things You Love To Do
1. road trips/camping trips
2. hair
3. sketching
4. sleeping
5. getting exercise
6. digging GRAD 08 into Reynolds' school field

Five People You Look Up To
1. Flea
2. ?
3. ?
4. ?
5. ?

Four Places You Want To Visit
1. tibet
2. venice
3. thailand
4. peru

Three Things You Think You Could Do Without
1. worrying/2nd guessing myself/ thinking about something so much that I talk myself out of it.
2. NJ's comp civ class
3. flakes

Two Things You Never Want To Do
1. experience chafing.
2. have my wisdom teeths removed.

One Person Who Has Changed Your Life:
1. michelle

i wish you knew.
i wish you knew how amazing you really are.
i wish you knew how sweet you are.
i wish you knew what you are to me
i wish you knew that i like you.
i wish that i know that you like me back.

i wish i just had enough confidence to ask you out right now.

i wish that we talked on MSN, annd I wish that I had something to talk to you about on MSN.


i wish you knew what that day ment to me.
i'm so glad that you were my grad date and not ross.

i wish that we hung out, outside of school.
i wish that you knew.;

fricl.

fuck. i just want to be with him.
frickk.
-_-"

i don't want to go to ESQ's grad.

i just don't want to go.
it'll be weird.

so thisweek is gong to be my demise?

i'm dropping comp civ tomorrw! :) woo.
then Ihave to call winners and try to get my shift cahnged to earlier!
thhhhhhhen on sunday i'm giving in my two weeks!

woooo

i just want to take the summer off, or jut work part time?

or full time if i have to?

ye.

that or just take the month of july off.

i love how he's just so modest.
i love how he isn't cocky.
i love how he can just always make me laugh.
he can be serious, and he kjnows when to be what.
he never takes it too far.
he never makes me feel uncomfortable.

i love how true to himself he is.
i love being around him.
he never annoys me.
he doesn't try to be scene or whatever.


i'm going to go for it, soon.

i want him to be my good thing.
i want it to happen so bad.
frick.

i want to hang out with him, an then just tell him that I like him.
but obviuosly i can't have it planned.
or else it wont run smoothly. i jhust gotta play it by ear?

i dont know
frick.


i just want to call him up and just do the deed. frick.

frick. and he's going to camosun next year, annnd he's staying in the summer and working.
soooooo frick!
fuck jessica. i better make a move, and then just fuck it right?
i should. but my fucking worrying just gets in the way.

maybe some time when I'm alone with him i'll just be like.. soo what you up to this weekend?
we should chill? slassh.. GO THE FUCK OUT! hahahahahha.

oh god. frick!

frick. i just get so obsessed.

i want to ahng out with him.
i wish I had some alone time with him, and I almost got that... but joe mac was there.
frick.

i want to show him that I really do like him.
and it feels like i do give him that kind of attention.

and i'm pretty sure a lot of people hink that we like each other anyways.

i really hope that people will ask him/ tell him that I like him.
frick.

i hope meghan kelly told him tha I like him.
but today she was like "go for it"

and it makes me think that she knows something. but idk
but iguess wouldn't she be telling him to make a move?

anyways.

DANIEL CHUDYK was so drunk!
annnnnnd it basically made my life!


also! jeff koster and maggie made out! annnnnd that's like th efucking cutest thing that I have everrrr heard of!
fuck .
she is actually so emabarassed about it.
annd it makes me sad, cause' I know that I can't bring it up without having to make her really embarassed.





side note... when richard and I were cuddling on the couch I was so close to his cheek annnd I was so close in just making out with him.. and same goes with the beach moment.


I'm meeting up with Ryan Watt omorrow with Michelle tht's going to be awks. if he tries to pull anything I'm just going to e like "I have a boyfriend" ... yeah.

hahahaha.

frick. I just want people to ask him if he likes me, and just tell me if he does.. so I can just knw.
I just need to know things before I make a move or whatever.
frick.

friciiiick. I just want to be THAT happy again. I just want to be that sickly gross and mushy and wahtever.. like that moment was the happiest I have ever been in ever.



yeah.


anyways... I blazed with Blake at Bry's, and we eneded up trying to hot box her bathroom.

annnd i'v developed a lower tolerance for it, and got realluy baked off of only one bowl, haha.

annnd I drank one bottle of Mudslide liek it was a little bottle, and I was tipsy annd i made me comfortable infront of people the kind of druink feeling.
:)


I don'tk now.. that night was just fuckign perfect. minus him asking me out.
but on a platonic.. i like him kind of way.. yeah it was good.


frick. i frickin love hayley ambson she is so freaing adorable!
hahaha.

but I don't nkow.. I feel prett strongly about this one.. and I don't want to let it go.
and there's only 8 more days of school, and so there's really nothing to lose.
annnd he's going to camosun next year, so I know that he's not leaving next year. and obviuosly I'm not going to be picking up any guys this summer,even if I do go away.

so yeah.

mayeb I'll just go for it if he doesn't within a week? or so? I dont' know.

Lauren and Jes were being like "Yeah Jess.., you and your points at Richard", when he was in the fuckig room and fuckig in on the conversation.. when they were talkjing about people hooking up.

fricl.

I also just burnt my neck witha curling iron on monday and it looks like a tiny hickey, what a bad timing for a fucking burn on the neck. obviuosly i didn't do it on purpose, who fucking burns themselves on the neck with a fricking curling iron on purpose?

seriuosly.

FRICK... i just wnt to cuddle with Richard right now.
I wisht that we are going out.
I wish that he would jus ask me out.
I don't want to be the one making all the moves, but maybe he's just not good with that kind of stufF?
orrr maybe he just thinks that I only did hat stuff caus'e I was baked, but I don't know.

we were really flirty flirty with each other and I pretty much almost fell asleep on his shoulder at the beach.

I was awake for 25 hours that day.

oh my god.
best day/night of my life on saturday!
GRAD 08 is most defintieyl memorable.

i'm not disappointed that I didn't go to the other one, cause' the one at Bryanda's was so good, without half the skanking around and coked out fights. acutally without all of that.

richard was really drunk, and I was really baked.. and we ended up cuddling on the couch.
then richard left, and kevin chow tried to cuddle and that was hella awks, ahhaa. cause' he was really drunk and it's just weird seeing him like that. hahah.


well, i sat on the couch arm before and we talked and he was starting to get drunk.. then at 4:30am we went to the beach with joce, nicole r, haley, kim and jesse, some kid name zac, and k chow.

annd when we got out the door richard like bear hugged me, and then we walked to the beach and the whole time he had his arms around me,and i had my arms around him, and we were pretty much just supporting each other, and the whole time he was like "do you think I can make it home?" and i was like "no, you'll get lost"

buut apparently the night before he got really drunk and walked home in pretty mucht he same state that he was in.

annd yeah.

and pretty much the whole time he was just like "you're supporting me cause' I can't walk straight"

yeaaah, we both culdn't walk straight, ahha.

so when we got to the beach, and walk down the flight of stairs, there was this puddle there, and he was like lets jump it.. and i was like "i'm pretty sure that we can just leap over"
and he was just really adament about jumping over it, so I was like hold on let me roll up my pants
and he was like aight,

then I just stepped over it, haha.
and I was like "just step over it"
him: "no i'm going to jump"
so I just gave him my hand and he basicallly just walked over it, hahah.

i wish I had brought my camera with me, cause' what had happened after that was just fucking made my life.


so the bunch of hem gathered around this log that was smoking, and was ashing.

and I was on a log and he was on the gravel/rocks.
and he was like come here Jess.

annd I jus grabbed him and brought him close and just held, him, hahahahahha. oh god.

so his head was bascially at my boobs, haha.

then everyone just broke an went there ways on the beach. Nicole ad Joce were togehter, Jesse C. and Kim N. were together, hayley, zac, and k chow were together.

And richard and I were togehter.

We stayed at the asking log and looked at it, and I was like "it's going to burn down the forrest" and him "there's no forrest, it's a bush"
me: "it's going to burn down the bush"

him: "eh. let's just sit down... where do you want to sit?"
me: "i don't care.. shotty not choosing"
him: "okay then *points at a random log*"

so I just sat down... and then he put his arm around me.. and then I put my head on his shoulder..

and we were just talking about things tat I don't really remember..

though I do remember talking something about joce and then looking at her.. and then she was looking back with nicole.. and I just knew that they were talking about us.

annd.. my head was so close to his cheek, and I was just gazing into his eyes, hahahah. oh god.

yeaaaah. it was like hopeless romantic much, hahaha.

annd then at some point I started squeezing his arm, nd then he held my hand.. and it happened again.

and yeah.. basically for like an hour and half i had my head on his shoulder and he had his head on mine..

annnd then K. Chow third wheeled it when hayley left to go pee annd when zac kid went back to bryanda's.

io fucking loved that moment! and wish that it had lasted longer, and wished that we were going out, and wish that it was just us? I don't know..

but it fuckin made my life.
liike that defintiely topped it.

but obviuosly I'm not like "OMG he likes me.. h really likes me.. "
like I'm not stupid.. I know that he was drunk, and I was pretty much in control of the reality of it.

but it was just really nice to finally have a guy who I can just cuddle with. It was fucking nice.

and yeah.. like at some times I felt lkike I was being clingy and such.. but he would always put his arms around me when we were walking and what not.. so it was both.

buut he's probably just a really cuddly drunk.


oh yeah.. I rememberthe whole time that we were on th beach I was like "richard you smell like beer"
him:"aww jess i can't be smelling like beer when I go home"
\and at random points he would try to get me to smell his breath for beer smell.. haha

it was fucing amazing, and I wish that we are going out. fo reals.
but yeah. -_-"

when we were walking back.. we were holding each.. again. then he would be like hug walking.. hahaha. yeah.
annd he thoguht he was supporting me the whole way, but then he would like tip over and was like nope i guess you're supporting me jess. it was fuckign cute and I fucking wis that it lasted longer.


I wish that i was good with getting guys. but I" not. becasue I always feel like I know that they only like me as a friend, ooor that i'm just one of the guys.

yeah.