dfashjksf

i just want to go away.
i wish I was doing what I'm doing somewhere else.
i'm not happy where I am.

time collapses in feathered kingdoms, where princes are not princes but soldiers of fortune.

outer shells caved, paved and saved. Alibis unclear, and time seems to only be compressing. Hearts skip on weekly basis.
momentum, and free fall.

to joe witkowskyj:

I fucking hate you. I don't think that we could be friends again, ever. We're nothing more than just acquaintences now, and frankly, I'm quite okay with that. I can't stand how self centered you are, and the fact that you're so cocky that you think you can read people but in all honesty you suck at it, and you just look arrogant. You're played out like a movie. You act like as if life should be treated like a movie. You're so fake. Do you even have real friends? If not, i could care less. Cause' I'm sick of being treated like crap. You're definitely lower than dylan on my list of friends, which is kind of sad if you think about it. I can't stand the person that you have become.

I can't beieve that you fucking used me, and still stand to call yourself my friend. You may think that I'm JUST going through a phase right now, but I don't want anything to do with you or people like you in my life, ever again. You're fucking filth, and I hate you. No matter how much you apologize (if you do, probably not) I can't accept it for reals. If I ever decide to forgive, which would take a hell of a long time to, I won't forget.. and that would dent our "friendship". I really needed to get this out, for closure. But perhaps for the finale I would need to say this to your face, and I feel as though I need to say it to your face to satisfy my need.

How dare you act like you know, but really you fucking don't! How dare you treat me like shit when I was a fucking pushover, no fucking morals? Words actually just can't describe how I feel. I feel like kicking the shit out of you. Verbally and physically. I'm glad that I don't drink, or else if I did it around you I would start a fight. You're fucking dirt, and I can't believe that I just let you use me.

I just have so much hate inside of me. I can't.. i just can't be friends with you. I don't want anything to do with you. This may be too harsh, but I don't think this even comes close enough to what I'm feeling, justice.

I can't talk to you right now, and probably not for a long time. I can't even take what you say seriously- like "let's hang out".. and shit.


fuck you, and good-bye.
jessica

i've gotten so pathetic that I don't even know what to write.

i just feel like binging lately.
for some reason i just want to eat all the time. it's weird. it's like i get really full but then 10 minutes later i want to eat.

it's just wild.

so maery and devon got me wanting tojump on the bandwagon for the DivaCup. It's a rubber cup that can hold an ounce of liquid. And you jus stick it up you and it'll hold your blood. Just clean it out every 12 hours, and you could take it out and check it.. and i think i likethe sounds of that better then having to think " i should probably cange my pad now... " but then don't and then have bad feelings in my tummy afterwards. so i don' tknow. joce and i might get one, but we'll see.


i'm hanging out with Kyle Garvey tomorrow, and maybe with joce and such as well. I love kyle, even though he can be quit ethe ass.. but now i can take it. before it just made me hate him. But i don' tknow sometimes I just want to punch him in the face.

I REALLY want to see Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2.


For some reason i've been in such a crying mood lately, or a I want to write shit mood. But i can't write. I'm too abstract.


i'm so nervous about school. I have such a love-hate feeling about it. I'm scared as fuck about how hard i'm going to have to work for it. But it's so beneicial to what I want to do in the future, and i'm going to need to do this sooner or later so I might as well just get it over with. I hate reading, and I hate studying my ass off. I just hate working hard--- school-wise. I don't mind physical labour, but mind labour is just exhausting. I'm hoping that a couple of my classes will be easy.

friiiiiiiiick.

August 20, 2008.

i do'nt know what i'm feeling right now.

i'm just feeling pretty lonely, and scared, and worried, and content, and a bit of eveything almost.

i got my tattoo touched up. it definitey didn't hurt as much this time around.

devon and i had to call the ambulance this morning around 4:15am.
around 4:00am my granma woke me up by screaming my name. she was on the ground. i thought it was some complications with her dibetes and same with her. so, i gave hr a sugar cube tosuck on and some crackers. and some water.

and hr beathing was very deep and heavy. and she felt faint and sore from the fall.

i had to carry her to her chair where i fed her an such.

i woke up thinkin that she was going to yell at me, and not even thinking that it could have been something serios.

i called my dad and freaked out, and ask hi what ishould do.

i carried her to the bathroom and she had poo'ed herself.
so i got her soe new underwear.
helped her put pants on.
and then whn i was helping put her pants on she started to puke.

it was purple, and dark, and gross.. and maybe it was blood that she had puked up, but i'm not sure because i ddin't geta good glance at it.

so at that point, i told devon to call the ambulane because there was no way that i culd have driven her to the hospital without having to stop over on the side of the road and help her.

umm...

the ambulance came 15 minutes later, and the paramedics were on their game, and such and gt me to translate.

they got me to ride in the ambulance, and devon drove the van.

we arrived at the hospital, and they admitted her into the emergrency room.

apparently she has low blood pressure, and her heart wasn't beatng fast enough.

they gave her a stimulat that made her heart beat faster. they also had to stick atube up her to drain out all the urine and such.

and such, and we were there for 3 hours.

devon had to go to work, and i just went home and napped for an hour and half
the doctor called me and woke me up and asked if i could give consent to them sticking a tube down her throat to see where she was bleedoing from.

then joce called, and then i told her what was happening, and she biked over as i showered, and we went ot the hospital together.

we wandered around trying to look or the doctor, and so we just went ot my grandma's room instead.
but they told us to wait in the waiting room.

there, the doctor found me and he asked me somequestions.

annd they didn't find any bleeding happeneing. annnnnnnnnnnnnnnd yeha. bascially it.

after that we went to robinson's where devon bought abunh of hiking stuff .


i like to kee stuff like that pretty personal.. so having devon tell a bunch of people kind of bothered me.



I don't do well in hospitals. i just don't.

likei said before.. i don't care if she craoks.. but just not on my watch. not if i could stop it.

hoenstly, if my grandmother croaks right now I would not give a fuck.
she has surpassed being senial.
she's fucking crazy.

i hate how she's so into knowing where I am at all time of the day.

i jsut want her to die. i have never EVER wanted anyone to die before.. but seriuosly fuck.

i'm so sick of her thinking that white kids are going to get me into trouble
i'm so sick of her being so fucking senial and so fucking old fashion.
i just ant her to die.

fucccccck, i can't stand her.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
well i do.. kind of.
I want to ask him out to go see this outdoor movie screening at beacon hill.

but i want to be with him like 24/7 .. but not really cause' that's just clingy, and I'm sure that I would get sick of him?

IDK.

i just want ot be with him.

my family left today to go to Vancouver, and they'r going for 5 days.

hopefully I can get some Richard time in there? or sometime soon!

I'm making cookies wth Christina on Monday. hopefully they'll work.

I wish that he lived a bit closer. i do'nt know.
frick.

i want him i want him i want him i want him i want him i want them.

fricckkk.. I think the only thing from actually asking one of them out is the fact that I like them both.