i want him soooooooooooooo bad.
i really don't want to lose this one.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
i just want guy's attention right now, it's kind of pathetic, but it's how i want things right now.
I want to buy more girlie clothes, I want to start dressing nice. I want to be noticed, I'm done with being so self conscious.
i'm done with having low self esteem. I want to be confident.
I want to look good. I want to start working out. i want to loose weight. I want to be more active.
but i just feel like I have no time or enegery.
i feel like i just have a pretty face adn that's all that i have going for me in a first impression situation.
i'm kind of socially awkward. I'm a bit contrived when it comes to small talk. I never know what to say.
but wahtever I need to change my ways.
I want to buy more girlie clothes, I want to start dressing nice. I want to be noticed, I'm done with being so self conscious.
i'm done with having low self esteem. I want to be confident.
I want to look good. I want to start working out. i want to loose weight. I want to be more active.
but i just feel like I have no time or enegery.
i feel like i just have a pretty face adn that's all that i have going for me in a first impression situation.
i'm kind of socially awkward. I'm a bit contrived when it comes to small talk. I never know what to say.
but wahtever I need to change my ways.
i want to be with him.
i want him to put his arm around me; i want to just stare at him all day.
I want to laugh with him; i want to get to know him.
i want to feel his embrace; i want to be happy.
I want to feel needed; I want to feel love or something close to it.
i want to have smeone to lean on;
i want him to put his arm around me; i want to just stare at him all day.
I want to laugh with him; i want to get to know him.
i want to feel his embrace; i want to be happy.
I want to feel needed; I want to feel love or something close to it.
i want to have smeone to lean on;
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
i don't know what to do.
i really like this guy name Jesse deggan. He's in my english class, and is basically my motivation to go to that class, haha.
I don't know, there's something different about him. I love guys that looks/acts like an asshole but really arn't. but are just chill, and he's one of them.
He looks like tough shit, but he knows his english shit. ahha. He looks like a trdes guy, but is doing business. He's awesome, and i think he's pretty good looking, haha.
I've been hella creeping him n facebook.
i feel like i am eating myself alive. I'm beating myself down, in order for me to feel bette about myself.
i really like this guy name Jesse deggan. He's in my english class, and is basically my motivation to go to that class, haha.
I don't know, there's something different about him. I love guys that looks/acts like an asshole but really arn't. but are just chill, and he's one of them.
He looks like tough shit, but he knows his english shit. ahha. He looks like a trdes guy, but is doing business. He's awesome, and i think he's pretty good looking, haha.
I've been hella creeping him n facebook.
i feel like i am eating myself alive. I'm beating myself down, in order for me to feel bette about myself.
senseless glory
redeeming prize.
tasteless.
i really don't know what I want anymore. I have everything in place. What now?! What do I want now? it's only a matter of how i want things to be. I have the power to either terminate or redeem. But I don't know what I want.
I'm sick of choosing. I'm sick of picking sides.
I'm sick of this perpetual feeling of being stuck.
I'm getting pretty anious about my appointment, and i just made it. I almost backed out at the very last minute, of making the appointment. I'm scared. They would be telling me eveything that I already know, and that scares me to no ends. But really, in order for this all to be alright, I need to get help. I need to.
it feels like the puzzle pieces are finally being put into place but yet I have this lot of space of everything bad, and it's become such a custom for me t fall back onto and blame all reasons of me feeling like total and utter shit on it, and to get caught up in it.
I miss painting. It's how i would want to base my life.
start off with a draft, or a sketch, then project it. Fix up anything that needs to be fixed before finally painting it. Once I start painting, I would have total control but yet there's room for improvement, and room to ask for help.
i'm defintieyl procrastinating to do this. svwet.
redeeming prize.
tasteless.
i really don't know what I want anymore. I have everything in place. What now?! What do I want now? it's only a matter of how i want things to be. I have the power to either terminate or redeem. But I don't know what I want.
I'm sick of choosing. I'm sick of picking sides.
I'm sick of this perpetual feeling of being stuck.
I'm getting pretty anious about my appointment, and i just made it. I almost backed out at the very last minute, of making the appointment. I'm scared. They would be telling me eveything that I already know, and that scares me to no ends. But really, in order for this all to be alright, I need to get help. I need to.
it feels like the puzzle pieces are finally being put into place but yet I have this lot of space of everything bad, and it's become such a custom for me t fall back onto and blame all reasons of me feeling like total and utter shit on it, and to get caught up in it.
I miss painting. It's how i would want to base my life.
start off with a draft, or a sketch, then project it. Fix up anything that needs to be fixed before finally painting it. Once I start painting, I would have total control but yet there's room for improvement, and room to ask for help.
i'm defintieyl procrastinating to do this. svwet.
Monday, October 20, 2008
am i really feeling better about this?
or am i just avoiding something bigger?
i met up with maery, joce, and phoebe on friday at starbucks. After that meeting I felt like shit. And I felt like ihadn't justified the whole situation. I was pretty pissed that they chose to meet at starbucks of all places. So i thought if they weren't going to care as much then i'm just going really baked, and that i did.
it didn't end well at all, and it left me unsettled.
I didn't know what to do. I wanted to cry, I wanted to shout, I wanted to go home and sleep, I wanted to be happy? I thought that that would do me justice, an make me feel better. but I ended up coming out of there looking like a bitch, and the bad guy.
that is not what I wanted at all, in all honesty I wanted them to feel like the bad guys; I wanted them to feel like shit, and pleading for my forgiveness (but not really), I wanted a mutual agreement to end it.
they want to keep trying. they want to fight.
i told them that we need our distance for a while. I need to think about it.
I just blanked out, and didn't know what to say. I didn't have anything to say. I was baked and just shot blanks. It was pathetic, and it was basically me just sittingthere, and them sitting there in silence. I couldn't look at them.
I lost all train of thought, I lost all my points.
I thought that I had every reason for what i was doing, but I couldn't think of them.
So the next day, I texted Phoebe asking where she was. She texted me back saying that she was at work but we could meet for lunch. I met up with her at McDonald's. From there we wenbt over to Royal Oak school. As soon as I saw her I started to tear up.
We sat on the feild, and tried to re-explain myself. I bawled my eyes out, and I told her how I have been feeling for the past year or so.
I couldn't look at her. I didn't have enought tact. I didn't have enough courage. She thinks that I may be clinically depressed, and that I should see a doctor, and I think I'm going to take her up on that. Cause' I really do think that I"ve been depressed for the past 4 years or so, but it has been only off and on, but recently it's been mnore than just off and on. It's been 24/7 and it has been affectig my life. It has taken over me, and I'm no longer the Jessica everyone knew and loved, I'm just a sarcastic little bitch, who acts like a little know it all. I'm repulsive and not fun to be around anymore.
My fault is that when people try to get close to me I put on this automtic shield, and I push away everyone I love.
My fault is that i've been so self dependent that it has caused me to be fearful and put up a front when one tries to enter into my life.
My fault is that I prefer to bottle things up or take it up with my blog instead of confronting the people, who talking about it wiht people who are suppose to be my best friends. But I never felt like any of them were my best friends, cause' I never felt like they were putting in as muhc effort as I was. I never felt like they felt the same way.
My fault is that I run away; is that I ignore waht's right infront of me, but try to deal with it at the same time. Things don't tend to "click" with me, rather I know that it's there, but it doesn't hit me. It's never been like "BAM". But rather, "oh okay".
After Phoebe and I met up we went back to mcDonalds and she bought me lunch. I'm glad that they can be so understanding, and that they can wait for me. But I feel bad for them. I feel bad that I have put this situation on the table and have not been fully able to explain it. I just felt like I was being attacked. I felt liek I was ready to talk but when it came down to it I wasn't.
I really wanted something to happen, but it jsut turned out to be something worst. I do'nt know what I want. I don't know how I want them to change. I don't have the answers to these questions. Time and time again this has happned to me, numeous of times.
More and more each day I consider talking to a counselor.
I hope things turn out for the good. I still want to talk to them, and hang out with them. But I don't know if I want to do it as much. And I don't know if I want to be best friends iwth them. I don't want them to change because I've told them this, and I don't want to become try-hards.
or am i just avoiding something bigger?
i met up with maery, joce, and phoebe on friday at starbucks. After that meeting I felt like shit. And I felt like ihadn't justified the whole situation. I was pretty pissed that they chose to meet at starbucks of all places. So i thought if they weren't going to care as much then i'm just going really baked, and that i did.
it didn't end well at all, and it left me unsettled.
I didn't know what to do. I wanted to cry, I wanted to shout, I wanted to go home and sleep, I wanted to be happy? I thought that that would do me justice, an make me feel better. but I ended up coming out of there looking like a bitch, and the bad guy.
that is not what I wanted at all, in all honesty I wanted them to feel like the bad guys; I wanted them to feel like shit, and pleading for my forgiveness (but not really), I wanted a mutual agreement to end it.
they want to keep trying. they want to fight.
i told them that we need our distance for a while. I need to think about it.
I just blanked out, and didn't know what to say. I didn't have anything to say. I was baked and just shot blanks. It was pathetic, and it was basically me just sittingthere, and them sitting there in silence. I couldn't look at them.
I lost all train of thought, I lost all my points.
I thought that I had every reason for what i was doing, but I couldn't think of them.
So the next day, I texted Phoebe asking where she was. She texted me back saying that she was at work but we could meet for lunch. I met up with her at McDonald's. From there we wenbt over to Royal Oak school. As soon as I saw her I started to tear up.
We sat on the feild, and tried to re-explain myself. I bawled my eyes out, and I told her how I have been feeling for the past year or so.
I couldn't look at her. I didn't have enought tact. I didn't have enough courage. She thinks that I may be clinically depressed, and that I should see a doctor, and I think I'm going to take her up on that. Cause' I really do think that I"ve been depressed for the past 4 years or so, but it has been only off and on, but recently it's been mnore than just off and on. It's been 24/7 and it has been affectig my life. It has taken over me, and I'm no longer the Jessica everyone knew and loved, I'm just a sarcastic little bitch, who acts like a little know it all. I'm repulsive and not fun to be around anymore.
My fault is that when people try to get close to me I put on this automtic shield, and I push away everyone I love.
My fault is that i've been so self dependent that it has caused me to be fearful and put up a front when one tries to enter into my life.
My fault is that I prefer to bottle things up or take it up with my blog instead of confronting the people, who talking about it wiht people who are suppose to be my best friends. But I never felt like any of them were my best friends, cause' I never felt like they were putting in as muhc effort as I was. I never felt like they felt the same way.
My fault is that I run away; is that I ignore waht's right infront of me, but try to deal with it at the same time. Things don't tend to "click" with me, rather I know that it's there, but it doesn't hit me. It's never been like "BAM". But rather, "oh okay".
After Phoebe and I met up we went back to mcDonalds and she bought me lunch. I'm glad that they can be so understanding, and that they can wait for me. But I feel bad for them. I feel bad that I have put this situation on the table and have not been fully able to explain it. I just felt like I was being attacked. I felt liek I was ready to talk but when it came down to it I wasn't.
I really wanted something to happen, but it jsut turned out to be something worst. I do'nt know what I want. I don't know how I want them to change. I don't have the answers to these questions. Time and time again this has happned to me, numeous of times.
More and more each day I consider talking to a counselor.
I hope things turn out for the good. I still want to talk to them, and hang out with them. But I don't know if I want to do it as much. And I don't know if I want to be best friends iwth them. I don't want them to change because I've told them this, and I don't want to become try-hards.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
i want to start a new life, i want to be a new me.
i want to give up everything that i have to justify my choics, to be finally true to myself.
it's usually hard letting go of things or people taht have been so grounded in your life. But none of which have impacted me, or have left apparent imprints. none of which, would leave me in a pit of despair. None of which would leave me sad and depressed.
I'm done being the lonely little loaf that I have been for the past while now, I need to stand my ground, and just be me.
but why am I still feeling like shit? Why has by reading their letters brougt me to tears?
is it because of some realization that has not occured to me?
I want to be heard, and I want to go out with a bang. I'm done, and I just don't know what to do now. I still feel stuck, I still feel like I'm spinning in circles. But I feel a slight onward movement from where I was a week ago. I feel like I have the confidence to stand up for me, to think about me for once. But I just feel like I'm doing this in the utmost disgusting way possible. I feel lik there's no chance given, but that's how I want it to be. It appeases me.
I'm done with being unhappy, but what now? there's no fireworks, there's no congratulation ceremony, there's nothing. It's just me and me. But i do feel lighter, but I know there's always something ther.
I know that this can be resolved until it's over, o unti lI'm genuinely happy.
I don't want to make this into one big deal, or have them be like "are you okay? are you okay? are you okay?" it's just like, leave me alone.
I don't know, I'm high fucking maintenence. I want this to be final, i want them to uindestand how it feel slike to be dropped. To feel like they're not needed, I need to know that they're going through waht i'm going throuh. I need to know that this is killing them. It's sad how I'm feeling more content because of thoughts like these. I'm twisted.
All good times were past times. I'm sick of appeasing people, or have others appease others for the sake of not hruting feelings.
I'm done with hanging out in groups, I'm done with trying to pretend somehting. I'm done with being unsatisfied. I'm done. I want to be out, I want to go, I want to be.
it just is the way it is.
i know blazing all the time is bad, but I don't do it vry much anymore. I know smoking is bad, but whatever it makes me content, it's puttng my anger somewher else. I know that being angry is not healthy, but there's no obvious solution for that.
I don't want a fight,i want a mutual agreement.
Im' done with being the mother figure at home, and I'm done being mothered outside of my home.
I'm done with assumptions, and I"m done with being so stressed all the time.
I'm done with being unhappy. I'm done. I'm so done.
I'm sorry that I AM pathetic, I'm sorry that I have become dumb, I'm sorry that I don't want to try anymore. I'm sorry that I hve given up on you all, I'm sory that I was the best friend that you will ever have. I'm sorry that I can't express myself to you all. I'm sorry that i'm such a fool as to believe that you guys would do the same for me.
I'm done with dealing with people who only think about themselves.
i want to give up everything that i have to justify my choics, to be finally true to myself.
it's usually hard letting go of things or people taht have been so grounded in your life. But none of which have impacted me, or have left apparent imprints. none of which, would leave me in a pit of despair. None of which would leave me sad and depressed.
I'm done being the lonely little loaf that I have been for the past while now, I need to stand my ground, and just be me.
but why am I still feeling like shit? Why has by reading their letters brougt me to tears?
is it because of some realization that has not occured to me?
I want to be heard, and I want to go out with a bang. I'm done, and I just don't know what to do now. I still feel stuck, I still feel like I'm spinning in circles. But I feel a slight onward movement from where I was a week ago. I feel like I have the confidence to stand up for me, to think about me for once. But I just feel like I'm doing this in the utmost disgusting way possible. I feel lik there's no chance given, but that's how I want it to be. It appeases me.
I'm done with being unhappy, but what now? there's no fireworks, there's no congratulation ceremony, there's nothing. It's just me and me. But i do feel lighter, but I know there's always something ther.
I know that this can be resolved until it's over, o unti lI'm genuinely happy.
I don't want to make this into one big deal, or have them be like "are you okay? are you okay? are you okay?" it's just like, leave me alone.
I don't know, I'm high fucking maintenence. I want this to be final, i want them to uindestand how it feel slike to be dropped. To feel like they're not needed, I need to know that they're going through waht i'm going throuh. I need to know that this is killing them. It's sad how I'm feeling more content because of thoughts like these. I'm twisted.
All good times were past times. I'm sick of appeasing people, or have others appease others for the sake of not hruting feelings.
I'm done with hanging out in groups, I'm done with trying to pretend somehting. I'm done with being unsatisfied. I'm done. I want to be out, I want to go, I want to be.
it just is the way it is.
i know blazing all the time is bad, but I don't do it vry much anymore. I know smoking is bad, but whatever it makes me content, it's puttng my anger somewher else. I know that being angry is not healthy, but there's no obvious solution for that.
I don't want a fight,i want a mutual agreement.
Im' done with being the mother figure at home, and I'm done being mothered outside of my home.
I'm done with assumptions, and I"m done with being so stressed all the time.
I'm done with being unhappy. I'm done. I'm so done.
I'm sorry that I AM pathetic, I'm sorry that I have become dumb, I'm sorry that I don't want to try anymore. I'm sorry that I hve given up on you all, I'm sory that I was the best friend that you will ever have. I'm sorry that I can't express myself to you all. I'm sorry that i'm such a fool as to believe that you guys would do the same for me.
I'm done with dealing with people who only think about themselves.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
My letter to Maery, Joce, Phoebe:
hey guys,
I would like to start this off by apologizing for skipping out on Saturday, I`m sorry.
i'm sure that most of you have noticed a change in my attitude, and just behavioural wise. There's two ways that I can approach this the first way would be my usual way of just stringing a bunch of excuses, and bullshit my way through, or the second way I can just be honest. Frankly, I'm done with lying.
For about a year now, I have been unhappy with where I am at. I'm just really agitated being in Victoria. Nothing seems to be making me happy anymore. I have nothing to look forward to. Yes, that's also including you guys. I'm not happy with my friendshp with you all. I feel so unappreciated most of the time. I feel like I'm just there, nothing else. I do have fun some times, but really who are we kidding? I don't really belong. I can't even tell you guys about half the shit that I do because I know you guys would be like "aww jessica you know that that's bad for you.. blah blah blah" and frankly I don't need a mother figure telling me what's what. I know that I'm damaging myself, I know that I'm being self-destructive, but honestly it's making me a bit more content then what I am, and if it makes me feel good, then so be it.
I don't even know what or who i've become. All I know is that I'm changing for the good, but I'm just doing it in a bad way. I'm sick of not being able to say shit to you guys. I'm sick of being stuck. I'm sick of crying all the time. I'm sorry that I have become so pathetic, but this who I am right now. I'm tired of having drama follow me left right and center. I'm sick of always trying to appease everyone. I feel like I need to focus on myself now, cause' when has it ever been about me?
I'm sorry that I've been so erratic lately, and have become such a flake. I'm sorry that this hadn't been said earlier. I'm sorry that I've become a hypocrite.
I'm sick of helping people all the time, and not getting the help in return. I know that friendships shuldn't be based on how much we do for each other. But it does get put into account when someone can't return a little favour. I feel like I'm getting stepped on, and I'm done with that. Maybe it' because of my upbringing, or mayeb it's because I'm just scared of losing friends. But right now, I don't care if I do lose friends, cause' they would be friends that won't be meaning much to me.
I can't keep on trying to make something work that isn't working. I don't want to keep holding on to dead weight anymore.
It's just little things that agitated me like, having to call people all the time to hang out. I know you guys call me every so often, but for a while it was just me calling every time. I'm sure you guys just assume that I'm hanging out with Michelle, but still it's not much effort to call anyways.
I didn't bring this up earlier because I hate mentioning things to people and then have them change. It just feels more genuine when they change in realization, not because of a push.
You would think that after 5 years of being friends we would be best friends by now, I wish that that was the case because I feel so alone all the time. I am done with bottling things up, or go crying to one of my stupid online blogs.
I know you may be asking, why on facebook? I was going to wait until the next time that I see you guys to bring this up, but I couldn't wait anymore, or know when the next time would be. Also, no one needs me bringing shit up infront of other people. No one needs to see me cry, and make an ass of myself. Yeah, I am a pansy for doing it over the internet, but it`s out and about, and that's really all the matters right now.
I don't really want to talk about this. I just needed to get this out.
thanks.
Maery's Response:
Jes,
I apologize ahead of time for talking about this if you really don't want to.
I have to start off by saying how shocked I am by this..
Over the last few weeks (and especially after we talked at your place) I knew that you were getting overloaded with stress from school and Michelle and Kayla, but I didn't realize that we were the problem.. It makes sense that you haven't so much been busy with Michelle as just avoiding us, which kills me..
I definetly understand not bringing it up in groups, which so much of the time is how we all hang out, and I get that facebook is easier, I do wish that I had known about this earlier.
As I am writing this I am trying to understand all of the feelings you wrote to me. Some of them, like the being stepped on and taken for granted, are things I never associate with you. If they include things like haircuts and driving and stuff like that, they have nothing to do with my wanting to be with you.
I really wish you felt you could talk to me about stuff, I have always known that feeling was there, and maybe there was a wall or somthing but I dont have any idea what it is. I am never going to pretend to be happy about you being self destructive, because if I was laughing about you doing something truly dangerous for yourself then what kind of friend does that make me. But even so, I am not judging you when I act concerned, and I still want to be involved in what's going on with you in any circumstance regardless of what I personally think of the act itself. I am really sorry if I acted like I didn't want to know, because I did, and do. Some of the things you and Michelle are into, you know that isn't me, but I want to be here for everything else.
I don't feel like this is a push to me, because all along I have cared about you, and felt like I was appreciating you. But if I wasn't doing it properly, which is the point here, than I do have to change something, and that doesn't mean making up good intentions just to make you feel better, it means that I need to understand what was wrong and how to fix it. Because you mean to much to me (and I know for a fact everyone else) to let this just sit, to let you feel this horrible.
I dont know if you feel like people arent calling you when they hang out...just for the sake of not calling you because that does not happen. And when they do call you, they aren't calling for anything other than your presence.
I want to make sure that I don't generalize any of your feelings.. I don't want to say that I can relate to some of them because then you might feel belittled and that is not what I mean at all. This intensity is ringing loud and clear to me and I need you to believe that I want you to talk to me, to know that you belong, and to feel like others are putting in as much effort as you are.
That being said. I agree that our friendship isn't as strong as it should be by now. When have either of us shared very much with each other? I have so much fun with you and I know that I care about you immensely, but I also feel that we don't know each other very well comparatively and that means that we have never fully been there for each other. Maybe because we always had Joce and phoebe there to buffer us actually getting to know each other in a best friend way, or that I felt you had so much more in common with them than with me, and so you were probably only there to hang out with them. That particular feeling has lessened in the last year or so, but clearly we still are far away from where we should be.
You are a lot better at expressing yourself in writing then I am, so I hope you are bearing with me.
Your message reads like, I am telling you this isnt working and its over...
But Jes, I can't deal with that. I love you and I want you to be happy but I don't believe that you can't be happy with me as your friend. I need to know how it can work so that our friendship isn't "dead weight".
I don't know what else I can say through a computer. I am sure that Phoebe and Joce are writing to you as well or will be soon. I want you to take whatever space you need right now, if any, but if you don't respond within a few days of getting this I am definitely going to call you. We need to hang out and really talk about this, whether you would see us individually or together, which ever way you want.
I love you
joce's response:
Jessica,
I know you said you didn't want to talk about it but im sorry, I can't just let you say that and walk away and out of my life, or where ever it is you are trying to go. Obviously I can't make you keep hanging out with me if you really don't want to and are just done with me and our freindship, but I love you, and im going to do whatever I can to keep you as a freind. I'm taking this alot more seriously than anything that ever happened with Maery or Devon because you are not the type of peron to say something like this for attention, or to get what you want, I know you arent doing that, and thats what is so scary about the whole thing.
Jessica I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel used and unappreciated. You give alot, i'm aware of that. You drive me places, cut my hair and are always willing to sacrifice sleep, or whatever to be there for your freinds. Thats something thats really amazing about you, but if being that kind of person makes you feel like thats the only reason that people are hanging out with you then I am so glad that you are going through this change that you are going through because you need the oppertunity to see that thats not true. If you couldnt drive, if you never cut my hair, im being completely honest when I say that it wouldnt change anything, I would still love you alot and want to spend time with you. I'm sorry if I havn't communicated that you very well in the past. I always had alot of really over sensitive people on my plate, and I think it may have made me group people into two categorys, one category that holds people who need to be coddeled and everything always watched and sugar coated, and the other category holding people who require no effort, and things are always light and easy with. Its a fault of mine that I do this, i'm trying to stop thinking of people like that, because really everyone has emotions and needs to be taken care of once in a while.
Another fault of mine that may have lead to you feeling this way for so long is my tendancy to avoid conflict of any kind. I knew you werent ok, theres been lots of times in the past few months when we are hanging out in a group of four or five where you are just silent, and obviously not ok, and instead of taking you aside and trying to deal with it I always tell myself its family stuff, or stuff with other people, and that you will talk to me if you need to. But thats not the case, all this time its been me that you have been having the problem with. I'm sorry that we couldnt talk about this before it became such a big deal.
I don't know what to say, because this situation is something that is not new to me, and i'm always on this side of it. My old best freind fom elementary school, she had these feelings, obviously Devon suffered with this kind of stuff for years, Maery as well, and even Phoebe on occasion. I want to say im sorry, and i'll fix it, but I don't know even know how to start. Its never intentional ever. I love you, I love every one of my freinds who have had this problem, I don't want to make you feel like this, and I also really don't want to lose you as a freind. So im going to do everything in my power to make those two things a reality, but I need to know what you think of it all, if you are willing to give it another chance or not.
I'm not talking about keeping everything the same, because honestly things arent the same. This sounds cheesy, but we arent in highschool anymore, we can't just rally everyone together after school and hang out every day in big groups. We arent all living the same lives anymore, all these different things we are doing, and people we are meeting are changing us, we are all growing into ourselves a bit more. I believe that, but I also believe that we still need connections to our old lives, our old selves, I don't want to lose all our memorys and the chance to make new memorys. Maybe the big group hangout thing isnt as satisfying as it used to be. I think if freindships are going to work then smaller groups and one on one time is really going to have to happen. Because like you said, you don't tell me about half of your life, what kind of freindship is that if you feel like you can't even tell me about the new important things that are happening in your life.
That is something I can see and feel and try to change. I won't mother you if you don't want me to. I just want you to know that whatever I said, however I acted it was always because I love you. And i'm not going to lie to you and tell you im super pumped that your developing these self destructive habits, but I know you know what I think and from now on i'll keep it to myself. I'll always listen to you if you need to talk and even if its not something I would want for myself I still want to hear about these new things you are doing, how you are feeling, im sorry if you didnt know that I would want to talk about that stuff, because I would.
In the last few months Ive noticed you becoming a bit more sarcastic, a bit more withdrawn, and really recently as in the last few weeks its become alot more apparent. I thought it might be because of the whole Simon thing, I thought you were mad at me because you thought I was a huge asshole for doing this. I didnt bring it up, I didnt want to have to try and justify myself because there is nothing I can say. I'm really really trying to make everything work with Phoebe, its not perfect, nothing is perfect but it seems to be going more or less ok now, and it was just too much, to be putting that much effort into trying to solve the problem and to be thinking that you someone who was outside of it all was mad at me for it without even asking to hear my side of the story. Its also one of the reasons that I have been kind of self absorbed recently, some really intense stuff has happened and ive been putting everything I have into trying to make those things work.
But were talking about more then the last couple of weeks, I suppose there is no excuse for this past year, I can only say what I have said to try and explain my side of things, but really all I can say is that I love you and I want to keep on spending time with you.
We can talk about it, we can try and forget about it with the understanding that we are going to try and make things work, whatever you want. I just don't want to lose you as a freind.
But its in your hands, you are going through this big change, its your life that you are shaping. Just please let me know how I can be apart of it.
Joce
From Phoebe:
I agree with many of the things you say:
Yes you are changing, and for the most part very much for the good. I have watched you grow into a more confident, strong person since we first met. It is so important to stand up for yourself, and be yourself, and be in situations where you feel good. It is important to be able to say no, and tell people what's what, and stick up for yourself. This is all true, and very good for you.
What kills me is that you don't see how much I love and appreciate you.
I can't believe it doesn't seem like it to you. Clearly, it is a fault of mine for not saying it enough or not showing it enough, but I value you so much. Jessica, you are one of my best friends of all time. I love talking to you, about everything. I value your opinions, I respect you when you need to talk, I tell you about all the big issues in my life. I love when we go shopping for dresses. I love our late night drives and talks. I love when we get scared, and when we get hysterical, and when we watch awful chick flicks together. I love how we always seem to have the same views on things. I'm so comfortable around you.
I love you so fucking much, and I am ashamed that I was a big part of the problem for you in the last little while. I could tell you weren't doing too good, but I guess I was arrogant in thinking it didn't have to do with me.
You are not an outcast in our group. We all love having you around. You are so fun, and smart, and funny, and chill, and serious and such a good person to be around. I feel guilty at how surprised I am that you don't see how much we value you... I should have seen, but it just always seemed like such a good dynamic. Jessica, I love you so much. I wish I could make you see that.
As far as these specific issues go, such as you not wanting to be mothered... Jessica, I would never tell you what to do, or how to live your life. I get a little worried for all my friends that get into anything like drugs or alcohol, but I wouldn't tell you to stop, not ever. The closest I would get to that would be suggesting cutting back, but only because I care so much. I have watched people fall into drug-related stupors. More than once. I can't help but be worried about everyone, just a little. But I wouldn't mother you about it; to be perfectly honest, I love smoking pot with you. Some of the best highs I've ever had have been with you, when we are laughing SO hard. You know the times I mean.
And calling... I hardly call anyone ever. I really actually have most of my friends on my case about that all the time. Please don't feel snubbed by me, not ever, for something like that. Half the time if I call someone, it's to ask them something.
I understand why you hadn't said anything earlier. I know the feeling of not wanting things to change because of guilt or whatever; how it's better for people to come around on their own. But sometimes, you have to say something. I wish you had said something, I wish I knew. I love you so much, and it's painful to see how negatively I have affected you.
It was so much fun a few summers ago, when you and Joce and I would hang out all the time, all night, eating pizza and making up stupid inside jokes, but we have all become so busy. Being busy is no excuse for neglecting friends. But I work full time, you are in school all the time. You are stressed constantly and I am depressed constantly. It does feel like we hardly see each other, but Jessica you are one of the people I see most. And you have no idea how much our ridiculous back and forth texts make my day. All the time.
Your message sounded so final, which scares the hell out of me. Jessica, it was wrong of me to think things were so incredibly good between us when obviously they weren't. I felt like our friendship was strong, and like I said you are one of my best friends; one of the best I've ever had. I apologize if I haven't been that for you. But Jessica, I am not giving up that easily.
If you have just decided we're a miserable lot and that you never want to see us again, maybe you would know best. But I don't want to let our friendship just die like that. It would kill me. I try to be a good friend, and value and respect those I love so much, but I have been told before that I am a failure at this; what can I do? Tell me what I can do. I am who I am, and if that isn't enough, it's going to really hurt me to lose you, but I want to make this work. I love you so much. I love you so much.
I don't take you for granted. If you think I do, then you don't see how much I value you.
I don't know what else I can say, but you have to understand that I mean it with all my heart. I wouldn't say any of it if I didn't mean it.
I chose to reply over facebook so that you can read and reread what I have written here, and make your own choices.
But Jessica, I love you so much. You are a huge part of my life. Part of who I am is because of you.
I don't want this to end.
hey guys,
I would like to start this off by apologizing for skipping out on Saturday, I`m sorry.
i'm sure that most of you have noticed a change in my attitude, and just behavioural wise. There's two ways that I can approach this the first way would be my usual way of just stringing a bunch of excuses, and bullshit my way through, or the second way I can just be honest. Frankly, I'm done with lying.
For about a year now, I have been unhappy with where I am at. I'm just really agitated being in Victoria. Nothing seems to be making me happy anymore. I have nothing to look forward to. Yes, that's also including you guys. I'm not happy with my friendshp with you all. I feel so unappreciated most of the time. I feel like I'm just there, nothing else. I do have fun some times, but really who are we kidding? I don't really belong. I can't even tell you guys about half the shit that I do because I know you guys would be like "aww jessica you know that that's bad for you.. blah blah blah" and frankly I don't need a mother figure telling me what's what. I know that I'm damaging myself, I know that I'm being self-destructive, but honestly it's making me a bit more content then what I am, and if it makes me feel good, then so be it.
I don't even know what or who i've become. All I know is that I'm changing for the good, but I'm just doing it in a bad way. I'm sick of not being able to say shit to you guys. I'm sick of being stuck. I'm sick of crying all the time. I'm sorry that I have become so pathetic, but this who I am right now. I'm tired of having drama follow me left right and center. I'm sick of always trying to appease everyone. I feel like I need to focus on myself now, cause' when has it ever been about me?
I'm sorry that I've been so erratic lately, and have become such a flake. I'm sorry that this hadn't been said earlier. I'm sorry that I've become a hypocrite.
I'm sick of helping people all the time, and not getting the help in return. I know that friendships shuldn't be based on how much we do for each other. But it does get put into account when someone can't return a little favour. I feel like I'm getting stepped on, and I'm done with that. Maybe it' because of my upbringing, or mayeb it's because I'm just scared of losing friends. But right now, I don't care if I do lose friends, cause' they would be friends that won't be meaning much to me.
I can't keep on trying to make something work that isn't working. I don't want to keep holding on to dead weight anymore.
It's just little things that agitated me like, having to call people all the time to hang out. I know you guys call me every so often, but for a while it was just me calling every time. I'm sure you guys just assume that I'm hanging out with Michelle, but still it's not much effort to call anyways.
I didn't bring this up earlier because I hate mentioning things to people and then have them change. It just feels more genuine when they change in realization, not because of a push.
You would think that after 5 years of being friends we would be best friends by now, I wish that that was the case because I feel so alone all the time. I am done with bottling things up, or go crying to one of my stupid online blogs.
I know you may be asking, why on facebook? I was going to wait until the next time that I see you guys to bring this up, but I couldn't wait anymore, or know when the next time would be. Also, no one needs me bringing shit up infront of other people. No one needs to see me cry, and make an ass of myself. Yeah, I am a pansy for doing it over the internet, but it`s out and about, and that's really all the matters right now.
I don't really want to talk about this. I just needed to get this out.
thanks.
Maery's Response:
Jes,
I apologize ahead of time for talking about this if you really don't want to.
I have to start off by saying how shocked I am by this..
Over the last few weeks (and especially after we talked at your place) I knew that you were getting overloaded with stress from school and Michelle and Kayla, but I didn't realize that we were the problem.. It makes sense that you haven't so much been busy with Michelle as just avoiding us, which kills me..
I definetly understand not bringing it up in groups, which so much of the time is how we all hang out, and I get that facebook is easier, I do wish that I had known about this earlier.
As I am writing this I am trying to understand all of the feelings you wrote to me. Some of them, like the being stepped on and taken for granted, are things I never associate with you. If they include things like haircuts and driving and stuff like that, they have nothing to do with my wanting to be with you.
I really wish you felt you could talk to me about stuff, I have always known that feeling was there, and maybe there was a wall or somthing but I dont have any idea what it is. I am never going to pretend to be happy about you being self destructive, because if I was laughing about you doing something truly dangerous for yourself then what kind of friend does that make me. But even so, I am not judging you when I act concerned, and I still want to be involved in what's going on with you in any circumstance regardless of what I personally think of the act itself. I am really sorry if I acted like I didn't want to know, because I did, and do. Some of the things you and Michelle are into, you know that isn't me, but I want to be here for everything else.
I don't feel like this is a push to me, because all along I have cared about you, and felt like I was appreciating you. But if I wasn't doing it properly, which is the point here, than I do have to change something, and that doesn't mean making up good intentions just to make you feel better, it means that I need to understand what was wrong and how to fix it. Because you mean to much to me (and I know for a fact everyone else) to let this just sit, to let you feel this horrible.
I dont know if you feel like people arent calling you when they hang out...just for the sake of not calling you because that does not happen. And when they do call you, they aren't calling for anything other than your presence.
I want to make sure that I don't generalize any of your feelings.. I don't want to say that I can relate to some of them because then you might feel belittled and that is not what I mean at all. This intensity is ringing loud and clear to me and I need you to believe that I want you to talk to me, to know that you belong, and to feel like others are putting in as much effort as you are.
That being said. I agree that our friendship isn't as strong as it should be by now. When have either of us shared very much with each other? I have so much fun with you and I know that I care about you immensely, but I also feel that we don't know each other very well comparatively and that means that we have never fully been there for each other. Maybe because we always had Joce and phoebe there to buffer us actually getting to know each other in a best friend way, or that I felt you had so much more in common with them than with me, and so you were probably only there to hang out with them. That particular feeling has lessened in the last year or so, but clearly we still are far away from where we should be.
You are a lot better at expressing yourself in writing then I am, so I hope you are bearing with me.
Your message reads like, I am telling you this isnt working and its over...
But Jes, I can't deal with that. I love you and I want you to be happy but I don't believe that you can't be happy with me as your friend. I need to know how it can work so that our friendship isn't "dead weight".
I don't know what else I can say through a computer. I am sure that Phoebe and Joce are writing to you as well or will be soon. I want you to take whatever space you need right now, if any, but if you don't respond within a few days of getting this I am definitely going to call you. We need to hang out and really talk about this, whether you would see us individually or together, which ever way you want.
I love you
joce's response:
Jessica,
I know you said you didn't want to talk about it but im sorry, I can't just let you say that and walk away and out of my life, or where ever it is you are trying to go. Obviously I can't make you keep hanging out with me if you really don't want to and are just done with me and our freindship, but I love you, and im going to do whatever I can to keep you as a freind. I'm taking this alot more seriously than anything that ever happened with Maery or Devon because you are not the type of peron to say something like this for attention, or to get what you want, I know you arent doing that, and thats what is so scary about the whole thing.
Jessica I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel used and unappreciated. You give alot, i'm aware of that. You drive me places, cut my hair and are always willing to sacrifice sleep, or whatever to be there for your freinds. Thats something thats really amazing about you, but if being that kind of person makes you feel like thats the only reason that people are hanging out with you then I am so glad that you are going through this change that you are going through because you need the oppertunity to see that thats not true. If you couldnt drive, if you never cut my hair, im being completely honest when I say that it wouldnt change anything, I would still love you alot and want to spend time with you. I'm sorry if I havn't communicated that you very well in the past. I always had alot of really over sensitive people on my plate, and I think it may have made me group people into two categorys, one category that holds people who need to be coddeled and everything always watched and sugar coated, and the other category holding people who require no effort, and things are always light and easy with. Its a fault of mine that I do this, i'm trying to stop thinking of people like that, because really everyone has emotions and needs to be taken care of once in a while.
Another fault of mine that may have lead to you feeling this way for so long is my tendancy to avoid conflict of any kind. I knew you werent ok, theres been lots of times in the past few months when we are hanging out in a group of four or five where you are just silent, and obviously not ok, and instead of taking you aside and trying to deal with it I always tell myself its family stuff, or stuff with other people, and that you will talk to me if you need to. But thats not the case, all this time its been me that you have been having the problem with. I'm sorry that we couldnt talk about this before it became such a big deal.
I don't know what to say, because this situation is something that is not new to me, and i'm always on this side of it. My old best freind fom elementary school, she had these feelings, obviously Devon suffered with this kind of stuff for years, Maery as well, and even Phoebe on occasion. I want to say im sorry, and i'll fix it, but I don't know even know how to start. Its never intentional ever. I love you, I love every one of my freinds who have had this problem, I don't want to make you feel like this, and I also really don't want to lose you as a freind. So im going to do everything in my power to make those two things a reality, but I need to know what you think of it all, if you are willing to give it another chance or not.
I'm not talking about keeping everything the same, because honestly things arent the same. This sounds cheesy, but we arent in highschool anymore, we can't just rally everyone together after school and hang out every day in big groups. We arent all living the same lives anymore, all these different things we are doing, and people we are meeting are changing us, we are all growing into ourselves a bit more. I believe that, but I also believe that we still need connections to our old lives, our old selves, I don't want to lose all our memorys and the chance to make new memorys. Maybe the big group hangout thing isnt as satisfying as it used to be. I think if freindships are going to work then smaller groups and one on one time is really going to have to happen. Because like you said, you don't tell me about half of your life, what kind of freindship is that if you feel like you can't even tell me about the new important things that are happening in your life.
That is something I can see and feel and try to change. I won't mother you if you don't want me to. I just want you to know that whatever I said, however I acted it was always because I love you. And i'm not going to lie to you and tell you im super pumped that your developing these self destructive habits, but I know you know what I think and from now on i'll keep it to myself. I'll always listen to you if you need to talk and even if its not something I would want for myself I still want to hear about these new things you are doing, how you are feeling, im sorry if you didnt know that I would want to talk about that stuff, because I would.
In the last few months Ive noticed you becoming a bit more sarcastic, a bit more withdrawn, and really recently as in the last few weeks its become alot more apparent. I thought it might be because of the whole Simon thing, I thought you were mad at me because you thought I was a huge asshole for doing this. I didnt bring it up, I didnt want to have to try and justify myself because there is nothing I can say. I'm really really trying to make everything work with Phoebe, its not perfect, nothing is perfect but it seems to be going more or less ok now, and it was just too much, to be putting that much effort into trying to solve the problem and to be thinking that you someone who was outside of it all was mad at me for it without even asking to hear my side of the story. Its also one of the reasons that I have been kind of self absorbed recently, some really intense stuff has happened and ive been putting everything I have into trying to make those things work.
But were talking about more then the last couple of weeks, I suppose there is no excuse for this past year, I can only say what I have said to try and explain my side of things, but really all I can say is that I love you and I want to keep on spending time with you.
We can talk about it, we can try and forget about it with the understanding that we are going to try and make things work, whatever you want. I just don't want to lose you as a freind.
But its in your hands, you are going through this big change, its your life that you are shaping. Just please let me know how I can be apart of it.
Joce
From Phoebe:
I agree with many of the things you say:
Yes you are changing, and for the most part very much for the good. I have watched you grow into a more confident, strong person since we first met. It is so important to stand up for yourself, and be yourself, and be in situations where you feel good. It is important to be able to say no, and tell people what's what, and stick up for yourself. This is all true, and very good for you.
What kills me is that you don't see how much I love and appreciate you.
I can't believe it doesn't seem like it to you. Clearly, it is a fault of mine for not saying it enough or not showing it enough, but I value you so much. Jessica, you are one of my best friends of all time. I love talking to you, about everything. I value your opinions, I respect you when you need to talk, I tell you about all the big issues in my life. I love when we go shopping for dresses. I love our late night drives and talks. I love when we get scared, and when we get hysterical, and when we watch awful chick flicks together. I love how we always seem to have the same views on things. I'm so comfortable around you.
I love you so fucking much, and I am ashamed that I was a big part of the problem for you in the last little while. I could tell you weren't doing too good, but I guess I was arrogant in thinking it didn't have to do with me.
You are not an outcast in our group. We all love having you around. You are so fun, and smart, and funny, and chill, and serious and such a good person to be around. I feel guilty at how surprised I am that you don't see how much we value you... I should have seen, but it just always seemed like such a good dynamic. Jessica, I love you so much. I wish I could make you see that.
As far as these specific issues go, such as you not wanting to be mothered... Jessica, I would never tell you what to do, or how to live your life. I get a little worried for all my friends that get into anything like drugs or alcohol, but I wouldn't tell you to stop, not ever. The closest I would get to that would be suggesting cutting back, but only because I care so much. I have watched people fall into drug-related stupors. More than once. I can't help but be worried about everyone, just a little. But I wouldn't mother you about it; to be perfectly honest, I love smoking pot with you. Some of the best highs I've ever had have been with you, when we are laughing SO hard. You know the times I mean.
And calling... I hardly call anyone ever. I really actually have most of my friends on my case about that all the time. Please don't feel snubbed by me, not ever, for something like that. Half the time if I call someone, it's to ask them something.
I understand why you hadn't said anything earlier. I know the feeling of not wanting things to change because of guilt or whatever; how it's better for people to come around on their own. But sometimes, you have to say something. I wish you had said something, I wish I knew. I love you so much, and it's painful to see how negatively I have affected you.
It was so much fun a few summers ago, when you and Joce and I would hang out all the time, all night, eating pizza and making up stupid inside jokes, but we have all become so busy. Being busy is no excuse for neglecting friends. But I work full time, you are in school all the time. You are stressed constantly and I am depressed constantly. It does feel like we hardly see each other, but Jessica you are one of the people I see most. And you have no idea how much our ridiculous back and forth texts make my day. All the time.
Your message sounded so final, which scares the hell out of me. Jessica, it was wrong of me to think things were so incredibly good between us when obviously they weren't. I felt like our friendship was strong, and like I said you are one of my best friends; one of the best I've ever had. I apologize if I haven't been that for you. But Jessica, I am not giving up that easily.
If you have just decided we're a miserable lot and that you never want to see us again, maybe you would know best. But I don't want to let our friendship just die like that. It would kill me. I try to be a good friend, and value and respect those I love so much, but I have been told before that I am a failure at this; what can I do? Tell me what I can do. I am who I am, and if that isn't enough, it's going to really hurt me to lose you, but I want to make this work. I love you so much. I love you so much.
I don't take you for granted. If you think I do, then you don't see how much I value you.
I don't know what else I can say, but you have to understand that I mean it with all my heart. I wouldn't say any of it if I didn't mean it.
I chose to reply over facebook so that you can read and reread what I have written here, and make your own choices.
But Jessica, I love you so much. You are a huge part of my life. Part of who I am is because of you.
I don't want this to end.
I feel so relieve now. i feel like everything is out in the open. I feel like my pallete has been wiped clean. I feel so cleansed. I feel better. ALSO! I got 93% on my Excel Exam, WOOOOOOO which as like THE best thing thatIve heard.
Well technically i got 68.1% but then Pevec gave us an extra 25% because of the numerus gliches that occured throughout the exam.
for example, the exam was suppose to be and hour and 15 but it was only an hour and no one finished it on time.
but yeee, I'm suppose to meet up with bethany tonight, and have a study sesh for our accoutning midterm, but she has yet to call me.
Well technically i got 68.1% but then Pevec gave us an extra 25% because of the numerus gliches that occured throughout the exam.
for example, the exam was suppose to be and hour and 15 but it was only an hour and no one finished it on time.
but yeee, I'm suppose to meet up with bethany tonight, and have a study sesh for our accoutning midterm, but she has yet to call me.
Monday, October 13, 2008
more and moer each day, i consider getting a counsellor.
but i don't know how i would feel about that.
i don't like setting up appointments. I would like it if i could just walk in an have someone there.
but i know that it's pretty naive to believe that they'll just do that. I know unless it's an emergency. which i don't think that this is.
but i don't know how i would feel about that.
i don't like setting up appointments. I would like it if i could just walk in an have someone there.
but i know that it's pretty naive to believe that they'll just do that. I know unless it's an emergency. which i don't think that this is.
i dont' know who i have become.
i don't even know if I would like me if I met me right now.
I feel like i wouldn't. I'm cranky as hell all the time, and I'm so moody.
I'm a spaz, and I'm a bitch.
I'm also a flake these days.
i ate flakes. who have i become?!
who the fuck am i? i feel like I am changing in a good way, but i'm doing it in a bad way.
I just want to drop people, and just walk away. I finally want ot think about me, but I don't want ot be selfish in the way that I go about it.
I want to be reasonable but right now i am not. I'm ONLY thinking about myself. But really, I'm still nothappy. but it has put some ease to it.
I want to be more confident. I want to care less about waht people think. I want to be okay. I want to be at ease. I want to be okay with saying no.
I want to deal with thngs better.
What if I drop them and I'm still not okay?
but it was worth the try right? better than just trying to make something work when it wasn't. better than being unsatisfied for a long while, then trying something new.
It's chanege time. it's just trial and error. It's all just one big experiemetn.
i hope it's for the best. i hope, emotionally, i'll be better. I hope i'll be stronger, i hope i will find better people to be around with.
i want to stop crying for the same damn reasons all the time. I want to stop crying because I don't know why, but it has become such a routine that it just feels nessccary.
and it shoudn't be like that. it's not healthy.
living the way that I'm living right now is not healthy either. I'm changing but maybe i"m putting myself back by picking up smoking.
I have cut back on other things though.
I have been thinking about itlately, and I want to try E, and maybe shrooms. But i dont' know. it's scary.
Michelle did cokoe last night, which i saw coming whn she told me that she was hanging out with Courtney.
I dont' know what's wrong with her. I feel like we're both feeling the same way. just agigtated as fuck, and grumpy all the time.
I have also decided taht I need to stop swearing, i have developd such a potty mouth. It's ugly, and disgusting, an I need to stop.
I hope I do well with my exam and midterms. Jesse Deggan has become my reason to show up for English class. hah!
I'm so pathetic.
i don't even know if I would like me if I met me right now.
I feel like i wouldn't. I'm cranky as hell all the time, and I'm so moody.
I'm a spaz, and I'm a bitch.
I'm also a flake these days.
i ate flakes. who have i become?!
who the fuck am i? i feel like I am changing in a good way, but i'm doing it in a bad way.
I just want to drop people, and just walk away. I finally want ot think about me, but I don't want ot be selfish in the way that I go about it.
I want to be reasonable but right now i am not. I'm ONLY thinking about myself. But really, I'm still nothappy. but it has put some ease to it.
I want to be more confident. I want to care less about waht people think. I want to be okay. I want to be at ease. I want to be okay with saying no.
I want to deal with thngs better.
What if I drop them and I'm still not okay?
but it was worth the try right? better than just trying to make something work when it wasn't. better than being unsatisfied for a long while, then trying something new.
It's chanege time. it's just trial and error. It's all just one big experiemetn.
i hope it's for the best. i hope, emotionally, i'll be better. I hope i'll be stronger, i hope i will find better people to be around with.
i want to stop crying for the same damn reasons all the time. I want to stop crying because I don't know why, but it has become such a routine that it just feels nessccary.
and it shoudn't be like that. it's not healthy.
living the way that I'm living right now is not healthy either. I'm changing but maybe i"m putting myself back by picking up smoking.
I have cut back on other things though.
I have been thinking about itlately, and I want to try E, and maybe shrooms. But i dont' know. it's scary.
Michelle did cokoe last night, which i saw coming whn she told me that she was hanging out with Courtney.
I dont' know what's wrong with her. I feel like we're both feeling the same way. just agigtated as fuck, and grumpy all the time.
I have also decided taht I need to stop swearing, i have developd such a potty mouth. It's ugly, and disgusting, an I need to stop.
I hope I do well with my exam and midterms. Jesse Deggan has become my reason to show up for English class. hah!
I'm so pathetic.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
i'm pretty sure that i've developed a smoking prolem.
i don't smoke much weeeeed anymore, but i do smoke cigerettes now, slash bulls eyes/prime times.
i just want to drop it, and go.
and leave, without any notices to anyone, except for maybe michelle.
i just want to pack up ad leave, or mayeb even without packing.
i just want to go.
i want to drive my ass to the other side of the country.
i just don't want o feel this conflicted anymore.
i don't smoke much weeeeed anymore, but i do smoke cigerettes now, slash bulls eyes/prime times.
i just want to drop it, and go.
and leave, without any notices to anyone, except for maybe michelle.
i just want to pack up ad leave, or mayeb even without packing.
i just want to go.
i want to drive my ass to the other side of the country.
i just don't want o feel this conflicted anymore.
im' so sick of helping poeple out and get nothing in return.
i know that itshouldn't be like that, but it has come down to the point where it is.
i'm sick of giving and not getting.
i don't care how selfish it is, but when HAS IT EVER BEEN ABOUT ME?!
exaclty.
i'm obviusly not feeling liek this because i'm about to get my period. because it's been like this for a while now, and i don't know what to say.
I wish i could be a bit more appeasing, but I can't. Not anymore. I'm sick of being in this rut. I'm sick of getting walked all over. I've had enough, I'm done. I don't care if I'm a bitch. I don't care i I'm unpeasant to be around, but I honestly justdon't care anymore. if this is howthey treat me this is how i'm going to treat them, and I don't FUCKIGN CARE.
I do'nt want to care anymnore. I'm so done. I'm out. I'm donnnnnnnne. fuck.
im' sick of always ahving to bring this up, i'msick of always just talk and nothing to show.
i'm done. I'm so done. I don't care how destructive that I am beng wiht m ybody, but this is how it's going to have to be until everything is going to be settled down, which probably wont be until a while from now.
I'm sick of being "content". I'm outtttttie.
i flaked out on joce and them alst night. felt kind of bad cause' ti was for alan's birthday, but kind of good cause' i didn't want to go anyways.
yeaaaaah. I know i know two wrongs don't make a right, but it sure does make me feel good.
maybe i'm already going throug my mid-life crisis or something. I'm so grumpy. I'm so agitated all the time. I'm never happpy.
i know that itshouldn't be like that, but it has come down to the point where it is.
i'm sick of giving and not getting.
i don't care how selfish it is, but when HAS IT EVER BEEN ABOUT ME?!
exaclty.
i'm obviusly not feeling liek this because i'm about to get my period. because it's been like this for a while now, and i don't know what to say.
I wish i could be a bit more appeasing, but I can't. Not anymore. I'm sick of being in this rut. I'm sick of getting walked all over. I've had enough, I'm done. I don't care if I'm a bitch. I don't care i I'm unpeasant to be around, but I honestly justdon't care anymore. if this is howthey treat me this is how i'm going to treat them, and I don't FUCKIGN CARE.
I do'nt want to care anymnore. I'm so done. I'm out. I'm donnnnnnnne. fuck.
im' sick of always ahving to bring this up, i'msick of always just talk and nothing to show.
i'm done. I'm so done. I don't care how destructive that I am beng wiht m ybody, but this is how it's going to have to be until everything is going to be settled down, which probably wont be until a while from now.
I'm sick of being "content". I'm outtttttie.
i flaked out on joce and them alst night. felt kind of bad cause' ti was for alan's birthday, but kind of good cause' i didn't want to go anyways.
yeaaaaah. I know i know two wrongs don't make a right, but it sure does make me feel good.
maybe i'm already going throug my mid-life crisis or something. I'm so grumpy. I'm so agitated all the time. I'm never happpy.
all i ask for is just one companion. somehow i wont find irritable flaws in.
maybe it's just how i am. maybe it's how i operate.
I find a companionship within someone, but then i drop them cause' they're getting too close. I find there flaws, and pick away at it. mayeb thats my down=fall.
which, makes me so fearful of the future.
i hate who i am, or maybe it's just who i've become.
i don't want to just exist. i want to have somehting to live for, i want to have a reason to wake up in the morning.
i don't want to dread life. i don't want to be unhappy anymore. idon't want to stress, and i just want things to be sorted out.
i don't want to be doing things taht I doin't want to do anymore.
i want to take a break. I want to just figure things out. I need to deal with somethings first.
i need to stop holding on to dead weight. I need to stop trying to make things work that arn't going to work.
i want to be gone. i want to move away. i wish i had a job right wo, or else i would have,.
this whole IBC thing is teaching to be a manager.
i wish life was stress-free, and maybe then I could not be worrying about developig an ulcer every day of my life.
maybe it's just how i am. maybe it's how i operate.
I find a companionship within someone, but then i drop them cause' they're getting too close. I find there flaws, and pick away at it. mayeb thats my down=fall.
which, makes me so fearful of the future.
i hate who i am, or maybe it's just who i've become.
i don't want to just exist. i want to have somehting to live for, i want to have a reason to wake up in the morning.
i don't want to dread life. i don't want to be unhappy anymore. idon't want to stress, and i just want things to be sorted out.
i don't want to be doing things taht I doin't want to do anymore.
i want to take a break. I want to just figure things out. I need to deal with somethings first.
i need to stop holding on to dead weight. I need to stop trying to make things work that arn't going to work.
i want to be gone. i want to move away. i wish i had a job right wo, or else i would have,.
this whole IBC thing is teaching to be a manager.
i wish life was stress-free, and maybe then I could not be worrying about developig an ulcer every day of my life.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
so i got my nose pierced agin yesturday.
kylie and I skipped marketing to go get it done, haha.
we have officially fired gurvina today. We wont admit it, but I have become the leader, sort of.
I'm always the bearer of bad news, and I seem to b the go-to girl for things.
I'm always stuck being the editor and what not, and yeeeeeeah.
I had my most major breakdown yet on monday. usually in time like that I just want to be at home and alone, and typing away to a blog, but that day i just needed someone to talk to, and to finally let it all out.
I have not been happy for the past month, and probabyl even before that.
I'm very unhappy at the stage that I am in right now. I hate school, and I hate having to stya up late working on homework. I hate not getting some relax time, and i hate how much effort i have to put in something that i dont' like.
Last week, i stayed up until around 3am every night. becasue I was trying to work on the group skills CD project that was due last friday, but because of software, computer, and camera issues we couldn't get it dne on time. So we asked Troy for an extensions at first he was okay, and then we asked him again to confirm it and he seemed a bit agigtated. But then monday rolls around and he's all comforting and a-okay with the situation.
after that class, as I was driving home, I just realized how not okay I am with things. I just felt this sudden loneliness. So i started calling people, but no one picked up, and I ended up pullingo ver on to the side of the road to have a moment, aka cry fest in my car.
just as I was pulling away michelle calls me back, and I ended up meeting up with her. We went to fujiya to get dinner, and on the way there I was like bawling out my eyes, and telling her everything that has been going wrong lately, and fron previuos months. things that has been bottling up within.
we then went to mt tolmie, ad her and I had a big dicussion about her boyfriend, and I most definitely felt like DR Phil.
they were the most intense conversations I had ever had.
and needless to say, they were the best advise i had ever given someone.
I mainly felt like I had no time to do evrything, and eveything and anything that was adding on to what i have to do was just get really overwhelming.
I had lived off of energy drinks for last week. I pretty muhc had one a day and sometimes even two.
i also felt pretty underapprecitate, but that, I had been feeling for a while now.
Michelle and I spent like 3 hours jsut straight talking, and trying to figure things out.
I love giving advise, but for once I would like to hear some as well, but with my situation the only thing that woul solve it would be me moving away.
I'm done with Victoria, and I'm unhappy. I don't have anything to look forward to each day, except for another chore, but that is not so much of a reason, but more so a have to.
There's this guy in my english class, his name is jesse, and I want to get to know him. hahahaha. i'm fucking lame.
i don't know what it is about him. He seems like sucha bad ass, but he's like super english dude, and I'm so intimidated by him, but he also seems a bit gay, so i dont'know.
He's pretty blunt, but also sarcastic. That's what I like in a man, haha. or a part femme-man?
i had an accouting quiz today, and I think i bombed it mad-core.
anyways, monday night I slpt over at devon's cause' she was leaving the next day.
phebe, joce, maery and i met at joces an then migrated over. Phoebe rode in my car, and i can't remember who had intiated the conversation, but I jsut ended up bawling again. We sat outside of Devon's house and we just talked slash I did all of the talking, and I think she was pretty shocked? or just stunned.
I don't think she has ever seen me cry that hard before.
i basically told her everything that i had told michelle. And I basically said that that group of friends was kind of the cause of my problems-ish, but not really. it was subtle.
yeah so it was a cryfest yet again.
the next day (yesturday) devon left. ican't even believe that she is gone. it's just weird. I miss her.
i went to school looking like complete shit. my eyes were all swollen and red, and nasty.
and I didn't have any make-up on, and i hadn't shower. so i was basically on my a-game.
this past saturday, was devo's good-bye party. i was baked as fucckkkk.
so , i've basically stopped blazing, but have started smoking, haha.
I know i'm being pretty destructive to my body, and I need to start getting some exercise.
buuuuuuut school has prevented me from doing so. or at least that's my excuse for now.
foooooooooooookkkkkk
kylie and I skipped marketing to go get it done, haha.
we have officially fired gurvina today. We wont admit it, but I have become the leader, sort of.
I'm always the bearer of bad news, and I seem to b the go-to girl for things.
I'm always stuck being the editor and what not, and yeeeeeeah.
I had my most major breakdown yet on monday. usually in time like that I just want to be at home and alone, and typing away to a blog, but that day i just needed someone to talk to, and to finally let it all out.
I have not been happy for the past month, and probabyl even before that.
I'm very unhappy at the stage that I am in right now. I hate school, and I hate having to stya up late working on homework. I hate not getting some relax time, and i hate how much effort i have to put in something that i dont' like.
Last week, i stayed up until around 3am every night. becasue I was trying to work on the group skills CD project that was due last friday, but because of software, computer, and camera issues we couldn't get it dne on time. So we asked Troy for an extensions at first he was okay, and then we asked him again to confirm it and he seemed a bit agigtated. But then monday rolls around and he's all comforting and a-okay with the situation.
after that class, as I was driving home, I just realized how not okay I am with things. I just felt this sudden loneliness. So i started calling people, but no one picked up, and I ended up pullingo ver on to the side of the road to have a moment, aka cry fest in my car.
just as I was pulling away michelle calls me back, and I ended up meeting up with her. We went to fujiya to get dinner, and on the way there I was like bawling out my eyes, and telling her everything that has been going wrong lately, and fron previuos months. things that has been bottling up within.
we then went to mt tolmie, ad her and I had a big dicussion about her boyfriend, and I most definitely felt like DR Phil.
they were the most intense conversations I had ever had.
and needless to say, they were the best advise i had ever given someone.
I mainly felt like I had no time to do evrything, and eveything and anything that was adding on to what i have to do was just get really overwhelming.
I had lived off of energy drinks for last week. I pretty muhc had one a day and sometimes even two.
i also felt pretty underapprecitate, but that, I had been feeling for a while now.
Michelle and I spent like 3 hours jsut straight talking, and trying to figure things out.
I love giving advise, but for once I would like to hear some as well, but with my situation the only thing that woul solve it would be me moving away.
I'm done with Victoria, and I'm unhappy. I don't have anything to look forward to each day, except for another chore, but that is not so much of a reason, but more so a have to.
There's this guy in my english class, his name is jesse, and I want to get to know him. hahahaha. i'm fucking lame.
i don't know what it is about him. He seems like sucha bad ass, but he's like super english dude, and I'm so intimidated by him, but he also seems a bit gay, so i dont'know.
He's pretty blunt, but also sarcastic. That's what I like in a man, haha. or a part femme-man?
i had an accouting quiz today, and I think i bombed it mad-core.
anyways, monday night I slpt over at devon's cause' she was leaving the next day.
phebe, joce, maery and i met at joces an then migrated over. Phoebe rode in my car, and i can't remember who had intiated the conversation, but I jsut ended up bawling again. We sat outside of Devon's house and we just talked slash I did all of the talking, and I think she was pretty shocked? or just stunned.
I don't think she has ever seen me cry that hard before.
i basically told her everything that i had told michelle. And I basically said that that group of friends was kind of the cause of my problems-ish, but not really. it was subtle.
yeah so it was a cryfest yet again.
the next day (yesturday) devon left. ican't even believe that she is gone. it's just weird. I miss her.
i went to school looking like complete shit. my eyes were all swollen and red, and nasty.
and I didn't have any make-up on, and i hadn't shower. so i was basically on my a-game.
this past saturday, was devo's good-bye party. i was baked as fucckkkk.
so , i've basically stopped blazing, but have started smoking, haha.
I know i'm being pretty destructive to my body, and I need to start getting some exercise.
buuuuuuut school has prevented me from doing so. or at least that's my excuse for now.
foooooooooooookkkkkk
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