am i really feeling better about this?
or am i just avoiding something bigger?

i met up with maery, joce, and phoebe on friday at starbucks. After that meeting I felt like shit. And I felt like ihadn't justified the whole situation. I was pretty pissed that they chose to meet at starbucks of all places. So i thought if they weren't going to care as much then i'm just going really baked, and that i did.

it didn't end well at all, and it left me unsettled.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to cry, I wanted to shout, I wanted to go home and sleep, I wanted to be happy? I thought that that would do me justice, an make me feel better. but I ended up coming out of there looking like a bitch, and the bad guy.

that is not what I wanted at all, in all honesty I wanted them to feel like the bad guys; I wanted them to feel like shit, and pleading for my forgiveness (but not really), I wanted a mutual agreement to end it.

they want to keep trying. they want to fight.

i told them that we need our distance for a while. I need to think about it.

I just blanked out, and didn't know what to say. I didn't have anything to say. I was baked and just shot blanks. It was pathetic, and it was basically me just sittingthere, and them sitting there in silence. I couldn't look at them.

I lost all train of thought, I lost all my points.

I thought that I had every reason for what i was doing, but I couldn't think of them.

So the next day, I texted Phoebe asking where she was. She texted me back saying that she was at work but we could meet for lunch. I met up with her at McDonald's. From there we wenbt over to Royal Oak school. As soon as I saw her I started to tear up.

We sat on the feild, and tried to re-explain myself. I bawled my eyes out, and I told her how I have been feeling for the past year or so.

I couldn't look at her. I didn't have enought tact. I didn't have enough courage. She thinks that I may be clinically depressed, and that I should see a doctor, and I think I'm going to take her up on that. Cause' I really do think that I"ve been depressed for the past 4 years or so, but it has been only off and on, but recently it's been mnore than just off and on. It's been 24/7 and it has been affectig my life. It has taken over me, and I'm no longer the Jessica everyone knew and loved, I'm just a sarcastic little bitch, who acts like a little know it all. I'm repulsive and not fun to be around anymore.

My fault is that when people try to get close to me I put on this automtic shield, and I push away everyone I love.

My fault is that i've been so self dependent that it has caused me to be fearful and put up a front when one tries to enter into my life.

My fault is that I prefer to bottle things up or take it up with my blog instead of confronting the people, who talking about it wiht people who are suppose to be my best friends. But I never felt like any of them were my best friends, cause' I never felt like they were putting in as muhc effort as I was. I never felt like they felt the same way.

My fault is that I run away; is that I ignore waht's right infront of me, but try to deal with it at the same time. Things don't tend to "click" with me, rather I know that it's there, but it doesn't hit me. It's never been like "BAM". But rather, "oh okay".

After Phoebe and I met up we went back to mcDonalds and she bought me lunch. I'm glad that they can be so understanding, and that they can wait for me. But I feel bad for them. I feel bad that I have put this situation on the table and have not been fully able to explain it. I just felt like I was being attacked. I felt liek I was ready to talk but when it came down to it I wasn't.

I really wanted something to happen, but it jsut turned out to be something worst. I do'nt know what I want. I don't know how I want them to change. I don't have the answers to these questions. Time and time again this has happned to me, numeous of times.

More and more each day I consider talking to a counselor.

I hope things turn out for the good. I still want to talk to them, and hang out with them. But I don't know if I want to do it as much. And I don't know if I want to be best friends iwth them. I don't want them to change because I've told them this, and I don't want to become try-hards.