My letter to Maery, Joce, Phoebe:
hey guys,

I would like to start this off by apologizing for skipping out on Saturday, I`m sorry.

i'm sure that most of you have noticed a change in my attitude, and just behavioural wise. There's two ways that I can approach this the first way would be my usual way of just stringing a bunch of excuses, and bullshit my way through, or the second way I can just be honest. Frankly, I'm done with lying.

For about a year now, I have been unhappy with where I am at. I'm just really agitated being in Victoria. Nothing seems to be making me happy anymore. I have nothing to look forward to. Yes, that's also including you guys. I'm not happy with my friendshp with you all. I feel so unappreciated most of the time. I feel like I'm just there, nothing else. I do have fun some times, but really who are we kidding? I don't really belong. I can't even tell you guys about half the shit that I do because I know you guys would be like "aww jessica you know that that's bad for you.. blah blah blah" and frankly I don't need a mother figure telling me what's what. I know that I'm damaging myself, I know that I'm being self-destructive, but honestly it's making me a bit more content then what I am, and if it makes me feel good, then so be it.

I don't even know what or who i've become. All I know is that I'm changing for the good, but I'm just doing it in a bad way. I'm sick of not being able to say shit to you guys. I'm sick of being stuck. I'm sick of crying all the time. I'm sorry that I have become so pathetic, but this who I am right now. I'm tired of having drama follow me left right and center. I'm sick of always trying to appease everyone. I feel like I need to focus on myself now, cause' when has it ever been about me?

I'm sorry that I've been so erratic lately, and have become such a flake. I'm sorry that this hadn't been said earlier. I'm sorry that I've become a hypocrite.

I'm sick of helping people all the time, and not getting the help in return. I know that friendships shuldn't be based on how much we do for each other. But it does get put into account when someone can't return a little favour. I feel like I'm getting stepped on, and I'm done with that. Maybe it' because of my upbringing, or mayeb it's because I'm just scared of losing friends. But right now, I don't care if I do lose friends, cause' they would be friends that won't be meaning much to me.

I can't keep on trying to make something work that isn't working. I don't want to keep holding on to dead weight anymore.

It's just little things that agitated me like, having to call people all the time to hang out. I know you guys call me every so often, but for a while it was just me calling every time. I'm sure you guys just assume that I'm hanging out with Michelle, but still it's not much effort to call anyways.

I didn't bring this up earlier because I hate mentioning things to people and then have them change. It just feels more genuine when they change in realization, not because of a push.

You would think that after 5 years of being friends we would be best friends by now, I wish that that was the case because I feel so alone all the time. I am done with bottling things up, or go crying to one of my stupid online blogs.

I know you may be asking, why on facebook? I was going to wait until the next time that I see you guys to bring this up, but I couldn't wait anymore, or know when the next time would be. Also, no one needs me bringing shit up infront of other people. No one needs to see me cry, and make an ass of myself. Yeah, I am a pansy for doing it over the internet, but it`s out and about, and that's really all the matters right now.

I don't really want to talk about this. I just needed to get this out.

thanks.


Maery's Response:
Jes,

I apologize ahead of time for talking about this if you really don't want to.

I have to start off by saying how shocked I am by this..
Over the last few weeks (and especially after we talked at your place) I knew that you were getting overloaded with stress from school and Michelle and Kayla, but I didn't realize that we were the problem.. It makes sense that you haven't so much been busy with Michelle as just avoiding us, which kills me..

I definetly understand not bringing it up in groups, which so much of the time is how we all hang out, and I get that facebook is easier, I do wish that I had known about this earlier.

As I am writing this I am trying to understand all of the feelings you wrote to me. Some of them, like the being stepped on and taken for granted, are things I never associate with you. If they include things like haircuts and driving and stuff like that, they have nothing to do with my wanting to be with you.

I really wish you felt you could talk to me about stuff, I have always known that feeling was there, and maybe there was a wall or somthing but I dont have any idea what it is. I am never going to pretend to be happy about you being self destructive, because if I was laughing about you doing something truly dangerous for yourself then what kind of friend does that make me. But even so, I am not judging you when I act concerned, and I still want to be involved in what's going on with you in any circumstance regardless of what I personally think of the act itself. I am really sorry if I acted like I didn't want to know, because I did, and do. Some of the things you and Michelle are into, you know that isn't me, but I want to be here for everything else.

I don't feel like this is a push to me, because all along I have cared about you, and felt like I was appreciating you. But if I wasn't doing it properly, which is the point here, than I do have to change something, and that doesn't mean making up good intentions just to make you feel better, it means that I need to understand what was wrong and how to fix it. Because you mean to much to me (and I know for a fact everyone else) to let this just sit, to let you feel this horrible.
I dont know if you feel like people arent calling you when they hang out...just for the sake of not calling you because that does not happen. And when they do call you, they aren't calling for anything other than your presence.

I want to make sure that I don't generalize any of your feelings.. I don't want to say that I can relate to some of them because then you might feel belittled and that is not what I mean at all. This intensity is ringing loud and clear to me and I need you to believe that I want you to talk to me, to know that you belong, and to feel like others are putting in as much effort as you are.

That being said. I agree that our friendship isn't as strong as it should be by now. When have either of us shared very much with each other? I have so much fun with you and I know that I care about you immensely, but I also feel that we don't know each other very well comparatively and that means that we have never fully been there for each other. Maybe because we always had Joce and phoebe there to buffer us actually getting to know each other in a best friend way, or that I felt you had so much more in common with them than with me, and so you were probably only there to hang out with them. That particular feeling has lessened in the last year or so, but clearly we still are far away from where we should be.

You are a lot better at expressing yourself in writing then I am, so I hope you are bearing with me.

Your message reads like, I am telling you this isnt working and its over...
But Jes, I can't deal with that. I love you and I want you to be happy but I don't believe that you can't be happy with me as your friend. I need to know how it can work so that our friendship isn't "dead weight".

I don't know what else I can say through a computer. I am sure that Phoebe and Joce are writing to you as well or will be soon. I want you to take whatever space you need right now, if any, but if you don't respond within a few days of getting this I am definitely going to call you. We need to hang out and really talk about this, whether you would see us individually or together, which ever way you want.

I love you


joce's response:
Jessica,
I know you said you didn't want to talk about it but im sorry, I can't just let you say that and walk away and out of my life, or where ever it is you are trying to go. Obviously I can't make you keep hanging out with me if you really don't want to and are just done with me and our freindship, but I love you, and im going to do whatever I can to keep you as a freind. I'm taking this alot more seriously than anything that ever happened with Maery or Devon because you are not the type of peron to say something like this for attention, or to get what you want, I know you arent doing that, and thats what is so scary about the whole thing.

Jessica I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel used and unappreciated. You give alot, i'm aware of that. You drive me places, cut my hair and are always willing to sacrifice sleep, or whatever to be there for your freinds. Thats something thats really amazing about you, but if being that kind of person makes you feel like thats the only reason that people are hanging out with you then I am so glad that you are going through this change that you are going through because you need the oppertunity to see that thats not true. If you couldnt drive, if you never cut my hair, im being completely honest when I say that it wouldnt change anything, I would still love you alot and want to spend time with you. I'm sorry if I havn't communicated that you very well in the past. I always had alot of really over sensitive people on my plate, and I think it may have made me group people into two categorys, one category that holds people who need to be coddeled and everything always watched and sugar coated, and the other category holding people who require no effort, and things are always light and easy with. Its a fault of mine that I do this, i'm trying to stop thinking of people like that, because really everyone has emotions and needs to be taken care of once in a while.

Another fault of mine that may have lead to you feeling this way for so long is my tendancy to avoid conflict of any kind. I knew you werent ok, theres been lots of times in the past few months when we are hanging out in a group of four or five where you are just silent, and obviously not ok, and instead of taking you aside and trying to deal with it I always tell myself its family stuff, or stuff with other people, and that you will talk to me if you need to. But thats not the case, all this time its been me that you have been having the problem with. I'm sorry that we couldnt talk about this before it became such a big deal.

I don't know what to say, because this situation is something that is not new to me, and i'm always on this side of it. My old best freind fom elementary school, she had these feelings, obviously Devon suffered with this kind of stuff for years, Maery as well, and even Phoebe on occasion. I want to say im sorry, and i'll fix it, but I don't know even know how to start. Its never intentional ever. I love you, I love every one of my freinds who have had this problem, I don't want to make you feel like this, and I also really don't want to lose you as a freind. So im going to do everything in my power to make those two things a reality, but I need to know what you think of it all, if you are willing to give it another chance or not.

I'm not talking about keeping everything the same, because honestly things arent the same. This sounds cheesy, but we arent in highschool anymore, we can't just rally everyone together after school and hang out every day in big groups. We arent all living the same lives anymore, all these different things we are doing, and people we are meeting are changing us, we are all growing into ourselves a bit more. I believe that, but I also believe that we still need connections to our old lives, our old selves, I don't want to lose all our memorys and the chance to make new memorys. Maybe the big group hangout thing isnt as satisfying as it used to be. I think if freindships are going to work then smaller groups and one on one time is really going to have to happen. Because like you said, you don't tell me about half of your life, what kind of freindship is that if you feel like you can't even tell me about the new important things that are happening in your life.

That is something I can see and feel and try to change. I won't mother you if you don't want me to. I just want you to know that whatever I said, however I acted it was always because I love you. And i'm not going to lie to you and tell you im super pumped that your developing these self destructive habits, but I know you know what I think and from now on i'll keep it to myself. I'll always listen to you if you need to talk and even if its not something I would want for myself I still want to hear about these new things you are doing, how you are feeling, im sorry if you didnt know that I would want to talk about that stuff, because I would.

In the last few months Ive noticed you becoming a bit more sarcastic, a bit more withdrawn, and really recently as in the last few weeks its become alot more apparent. I thought it might be because of the whole Simon thing, I thought you were mad at me because you thought I was a huge asshole for doing this. I didnt bring it up, I didnt want to have to try and justify myself because there is nothing I can say. I'm really really trying to make everything work with Phoebe, its not perfect, nothing is perfect but it seems to be going more or less ok now, and it was just too much, to be putting that much effort into trying to solve the problem and to be thinking that you someone who was outside of it all was mad at me for it without even asking to hear my side of the story. Its also one of the reasons that I have been kind of self absorbed recently, some really intense stuff has happened and ive been putting everything I have into trying to make those things work.

But were talking about more then the last couple of weeks, I suppose there is no excuse for this past year, I can only say what I have said to try and explain my side of things, but really all I can say is that I love you and I want to keep on spending time with you.

We can talk about it, we can try and forget about it with the understanding that we are going to try and make things work, whatever you want. I just don't want to lose you as a freind.

But its in your hands, you are going through this big change, its your life that you are shaping. Just please let me know how I can be apart of it.
Joce

From Phoebe:

I agree with many of the things you say:

Yes you are changing, and for the most part very much for the good. I have watched you grow into a more confident, strong person since we first met. It is so important to stand up for yourself, and be yourself, and be in situations where you feel good. It is important to be able to say no, and tell people what's what, and stick up for yourself. This is all true, and very good for you.

What kills me is that you don't see how much I love and appreciate you.

I can't believe it doesn't seem like it to you. Clearly, it is a fault of mine for not saying it enough or not showing it enough, but I value you so much. Jessica, you are one of my best friends of all time. I love talking to you, about everything. I value your opinions, I respect you when you need to talk, I tell you about all the big issues in my life. I love when we go shopping for dresses. I love our late night drives and talks. I love when we get scared, and when we get hysterical, and when we watch awful chick flicks together. I love how we always seem to have the same views on things. I'm so comfortable around you.

I love you so fucking much, and I am ashamed that I was a big part of the problem for you in the last little while. I could tell you weren't doing too good, but I guess I was arrogant in thinking it didn't have to do with me.

You are not an outcast in our group. We all love having you around. You are so fun, and smart, and funny, and chill, and serious and such a good person to be around. I feel guilty at how surprised I am that you don't see how much we value you... I should have seen, but it just always seemed like such a good dynamic. Jessica, I love you so much. I wish I could make you see that.

As far as these specific issues go, such as you not wanting to be mothered... Jessica, I would never tell you what to do, or how to live your life. I get a little worried for all my friends that get into anything like drugs or alcohol, but I wouldn't tell you to stop, not ever. The closest I would get to that would be suggesting cutting back, but only because I care so much. I have watched people fall into drug-related stupors. More than once. I can't help but be worried about everyone, just a little. But I wouldn't mother you about it; to be perfectly honest, I love smoking pot with you. Some of the best highs I've ever had have been with you, when we are laughing SO hard. You know the times I mean.

And calling... I hardly call anyone ever. I really actually have most of my friends on my case about that all the time. Please don't feel snubbed by me, not ever, for something like that. Half the time if I call someone, it's to ask them something.

I understand why you hadn't said anything earlier. I know the feeling of not wanting things to change because of guilt or whatever; how it's better for people to come around on their own. But sometimes, you have to say something. I wish you had said something, I wish I knew. I love you so much, and it's painful to see how negatively I have affected you.

It was so much fun a few summers ago, when you and Joce and I would hang out all the time, all night, eating pizza and making up stupid inside jokes, but we have all become so busy. Being busy is no excuse for neglecting friends. But I work full time, you are in school all the time. You are stressed constantly and I am depressed constantly. It does feel like we hardly see each other, but Jessica you are one of the people I see most. And you have no idea how much our ridiculous back and forth texts make my day. All the time.

Your message sounded so final, which scares the hell out of me. Jessica, it was wrong of me to think things were so incredibly good between us when obviously they weren't. I felt like our friendship was strong, and like I said you are one of my best friends; one of the best I've ever had. I apologize if I haven't been that for you. But Jessica, I am not giving up that easily.

If you have just decided we're a miserable lot and that you never want to see us again, maybe you would know best. But I don't want to let our friendship just die like that. It would kill me. I try to be a good friend, and value and respect those I love so much, but I have been told before that I am a failure at this; what can I do? Tell me what I can do. I am who I am, and if that isn't enough, it's going to really hurt me to lose you, but I want to make this work. I love you so much. I love you so much.

I don't take you for granted. If you think I do, then you don't see how much I value you.

I don't know what else I can say, but you have to understand that I mean it with all my heart. I wouldn't say any of it if I didn't mean it.

I chose to reply over facebook so that you can read and reread what I have written here, and make your own choices.

But Jessica, I love you so much. You are a huge part of my life. Part of who I am is because of you.

I don't want this to end.