this weekend has been one of the best i've had in a long while.

friday night, it was joce and richard's combine birthday thing at Nick Fletcher's house. It was kind of weird..but I was hella baked, soooo it was ALLL good. yeah know?

Michelle, Dexter, kayla and I went out for dinner first at El Greco's.. an when we were waiting for our food, we asked if we could go outside for a smoke, and we ended up hot boxing michelle's car in the parking of the restaurant, haha. annd before we went to El Greco,i was with Kayla and I rolled up a tiny joint an smoked it at Northridge, while kayla sat in the car. haha.

sooo I drove over to Nick's house, and met jocelyne outside and I told her that I was hella baked, and yeaaaaah. But then people igured out at Nick's anyways that I was baked, it's not that hard cause' my eyes are DEAD give aways.

they started to drink, and I ad called up jesse to hook michelle up with an 8th. So I left nick's to go to jesse's. but i old everyone that I had to go home early so that I could go for my blood test the next day. haha

anyways, I go tot jesse's and he's like yeah my friend will be here in a bit with your friend's weed.

but then a while came by, and his friend still isn't here. so he calls him up, and turns out that buddy isn't going to show up after all, so i call up michelle and gave her the news, she didn't really care cause' she didn't really want to get it afterall.


so jesse's like "do you have any more of that weed left?"
and so we rolled up a joint, and smoked it in his room.

then we watched tv for a while.


he then burnt out and passed out on his bed.

I was starting to burnt out like mad.. so it was like 1am and I got up and tried ot wake him up
i was like "yooooo.. YOOOO, Yooo"

and then finaly he wakes up, haha.

me: "yoo, i'm heading off now."
him: "oh okay"
so I start walking to the door and he's likke
"wiat what you're leaving?"

me: "yeahh, i'm passing out"
him: "so then pass out"

i looked at him, and sat back down on the chair, haha.

so he passed out again, and I passed out. His chair was so uncomfortable, it was one of those foldable beach chair, and so it was killing my neck, and i was not having a good night sleep. annd I woke up at 4:30am, being like FUUUUUUCCCCCCCk, haha cause' I couldn't sleep like that any longer.

but then he woke up, and he's like "yooo what's up with you sleeping in that chair"
me: "i don't know.."

him: "come sleep in my bed"
then he pulls off my jacket that I had thrown over me, then he grabs my arm and pulls me on to his bed, but he asked me to turn off the light before I got in to bed with him.

and we then passed out.

in the morning, i woke up to him kicking me or kneeing me in my bum, haha and him apologizing. but i didn't say anything.


I also REALLLLLLY had to pee, haha. but I didn't want to get up, but eventually i couldn't hold it in any longer, and I couldn't stop thinking about it which made it worst. Soooooooo i got up and went pee. When i got back we just laid there. and we talked and he put on some Ratatat.

haha then he was like "you looked pretty funny sleeping in that chair last night"
me: "fuck you"

at first i thought that he was sleeping in the nude, but then it turns out that he was sleeping in his boxers, haha.

fuck man, he's hot. I just wanted to make out with him, and just cuddle with him. But fuck.. I don't know.. i can't make those kind of moves. I wish he was more asertive.

i wish he would make the moves.


just so i know that he's feeling it too. but I don't want to fuck him.. not rigth nwo. even though losing my virginity isn't that big of a deal to me. I just don't want him to give me something. I want to make sure that he's clean.


But yeah, we just chilled in his bed, and he smoked some weed, and then we went to fantastico, and i drove him to work.

That night I called hi up again, andasked him to get an 8th for michelle. And so they met him, and it was so awkward, but watever

it's how it is.

I dropped off michelle and such, and drove back to jesse's. We watched tv, and just chilled for a bit. I had finished off my weed with michelle, and dexter that afternoon. I rolllled a big fatty.

from jesse's we went to his dealer, and he picked up.

"do you think your friend would care if I rolled a joint?"

me: "yeah probably"

him: "should I just take it anyways"

me: "haha sure"

dry, i know. but whatever people these days never tip their middle man, but you need to.

soo yeah i dropped him off at his friend's afterwards, and he's like "thanks for everything, you're a sweetheart"

and then watched me drive away.

I'm falling of this guy, and it's pretty hard.. but at the same time not really.

It's defintiely the cloest to a boyfriend that I've ever had. I've slept over at his house, for christ sakes. haha.

I've been spending so much time with him, he must know that i'm into him. Maybe I just produce this vibe that I'm not into guys, and would rather much be their friend instead. but that is most definitely not that case with the guys that I ususally hang out with.

and I wish that they would make the move. fuck.

fuck me and guyssss.

it's kind of pathetic, but eh.


i love guys, and i wish that they would feel the same way back?


i think maybe jesse thinks that i'm too gooood, like too innocent maybe.

but I told him that i stole, and he's like "who the fuck are you"

so like I am surprising him, like I know i'm not what he expected me to be. but yeah.. I don't know if it's enough though.

i don't know what to think about him, like i want him but I don't know if I want him want him.. i don't know.

yeaaah..

fuck maaaaaannnnn.

i feel like complete shit.
i can't help but think that i'm hopeless.

lik I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. \
i'm in dire need of some amenities.


i feel so down right now.
i need comfort.

i don't want to do anything ight now.
fuck this sucks.

i just feellike crying. I'm so scared of tomrrow.

i hate myself right now. i hate the way i look, i hate the way i act, i hate how i can't understand the simplest things.

I don'thave any confidence what-so-ever. i don't know hw to present myelf.

this fucking sucks. I wish I had smeone to talk to right now. I wish I was more open,i wish i didn't have so many walls built.


I want to feel wanted.

i'm tired of me, and dreading everything before i attempt it.

i'm sick of me freaking and it being the reasn why it has postponed wahteve i want to do.

i over analyze everything.
fuck me, and how i am.

im' pretty sure he just considers me as a friend.
well i almost know for a fact.

i'm probably too "innocent" for him.

sorry that I don't want to fuck a guy who's been with an escort.

i just don't think that you get it, at all.
that's it's been you all along.

------------------------------------------------------------------



i've been hanging out with Jesse a lot lately. And, I still don't know what to think of him.

he's so intense, but I like it and i don't. He's so blunt. It's nice but it's intimidating. I get pretty bad anxiety when I do hang out with him. We spent 6 hours together today.

I never know what to say to him. I know he doesn't judge.. but i just don't know.
The stuff that he wants to talk about is so intense, and i don't really have a formed opinion about it. I just feel pretty incompetitent i guess, in his stndards.

all he ever wants to talk about is girls, and how he can't get any. When in reality i am a girl that he can easily get, but he is obviously not interested.

I feel like I have not much of an ego left. Everything that I work so hard in, never seems to meet my standards. But then again i never try that hard.

I feel like a fly trapped in a jar. I feel i just exist, and frankly I don't want to just feel like that. I want to feel better about myself. I want to feel wanted.

Maybe I always just come off as if I'm not interested, but I guess i'm just THAT afraid of rejection. I'm THAT afraid of them having the upperhand on me.

cause' tht's what means the most to me, love and feeling wanted.

I don't want them knowing that I like them because I'm scared taht they'll use that against me. or that it would dent whatever we have/had. Cause' that's the only thing that I can't fake my way out of- feelings. Well, apparently i can.

I'm just scared. but right now, I just feel like I'm fucking pathetic. I feel like no one wants me. I feel like I always have my cahnce, but then it has gone too far for anything to really happen anymore. I'm just way to analytical about everything.

I just feel like I NEED to have everything mapped out. I'm just so used to being made fun of, that it has become so habituated of me tohave everything pre-planned or mapped out. Likeconvesations. or for me to steal someone's ideas.

I'm scared to vocialize my opinions to people cause' i'm scared that they're not going to like me. But i don't want to care anymore.I don't want to give a shit. I want to do what i want for me. Not for anyone else.


I quite aware of the fact that I'm not physically attractive, and when guys talk about girls' i get so self-conscious. I get so pushed away.

So when Jesse just talks about girls, I just stay quiet. i never have an answer. It's the fact that I feel humiliated by my presented physical disposition, and the fact that i just don't know what to say.


i'm sick of just exisitng.

how can you be yourself when yo uhave no identity?

i'mmmm coming home to you
for the first time in a while
but im not bringing any goods news with me

i don't know what to do
i'm fed up with m internet.


this week is going to be the most slckest yet busiest. I have so much shit to do :( and my internet is peventing me from doing most of it. -_-"


i'm too lazy to go anywhere else really. i'm pathetic.
yeahah.

so I doin't really know what to do about ichelle. she knows that i'm mad at her. she knows that i'm agitated at the fact that she's nglecting our friendship.

I do try and see her, but she's too busy wit dexter or ashley or miguel, or she's at work. And hoesntly just fuck it. Not worth putting the effort in.

I don't want to get her anything for her birthday. I don't wnat to be putting in the effort if she's not going to be giving back. I don't want to care about her anymore. Her attitude is stanky, and she's such a little princess, a little princess who owes me $50.

we'\re both at this stage in our lives where we just don't want to be where we are, but it's just how things are. we don't have the money to move, and we're just too lazy.

fermented stains.




sooooooo. my doctor has been off work for about 2 weeks now, and it's about to trigger me off.

i most definitely spent $400 in Vancouver on Saturday/Sunday.

kayla and i shopped til' we dropped.

i almost got caught being a klepto. almost shat myself, but luckily it was just my shirts. i almost cried.






all i want, is to find love. but for some reason i can't let myself go. i can't let someone THAT important into my life, and for some reason i'm always scared of them knowing.


it's cause' i'm okay with them being okay wih the person that i'm making fun of, i'm okaywith them knowing the one that'sjust fun..

butwhen it's serious me, and real me i'm scared they're going to reject me. i'm scared tha they're going to get pu toff, and leave.

that's why i'm always ajusting to the peopl i'm around. I've changed so much that I don't even know who i am. I'm scared of them liking the real me, cause' i'm scared that they wont like it.

i'm terrified.

i really think that i need to go see my doctor soon.


i want to get help.

i want to try medication, i'm willing to try anything to get me happy.

yes, i need to depend on something or someone.

but i cannot start to think about burdoning anyone with my problem.

i'm so unsatisfid, and i'm so unhappy. i wishthat life was a bit more worth living for.


i want to lose weight, i'm sick of my body.

myabe medication will help with tht.


i'm so unhappy. i'm so sad. i'm s alone. i'm so hopeless, and worst of all i just don't want to be here anymore.


i wish i had an incentive. i just don't want to put forth the effort.

I see flashes of your sky blue eyes,
and it rounded up al hope that was within me.


change, change, and change...

but it is what it is, and how it do is gonna be how it's done.

NUMERO 600! WOOOOOOOO


Your dignity is hanging with nothing but self righteous self doubt, which has caused hated maidens to join contrived work forces because they couldn't capture your love.

Causing their latter days spent loathing lousy laments,
during a time where conscription crises are condoning compulsive consumptions.
and simple machines are making malicious movements, which are making mass massacres seem meek.
Like a singing song-nation sending their suspicious sacrilegious saints to sell their sacred spies to save the sentimental sounds of your spoken whispers, but only to find that you, as their soul mate, have moved on.

So, if clouds are formed from one man's hands, then this must be going according to plan.
This is not some tainted tongue twisting fairytale told in a stack of thinned-out-sheets. Rather, it’s a pre-planned humble alibi that you could tell your children in the coming of days; it is your sad excuse to hang your dirty laundry and blame it on the plan.

what if daddy told youto save private ryan? would you take on the task of being the one?

what if you were the only hope left for civilization?; and, What if you were the only foundation for grounding morality? would you take responsibility for the fault of the human kind?

What if you left, and all hope for a civilized world disperse, and savagery dominates? would you pour salt in the wound by becoming the leader?

what i'm trying to get at is, would you die for your world? would you proudly leave it and be completely satisfied? or would you die in humliation because of such events like guantanamo bay, or apartheid?

how can we pretend as if there's nothing happening. how can we sit back and witness such outrage?



we need for change, but change is progressing slowly.

66792kq

kayquan's pw for camlink.

i am a type of girl who has big dreams, and talks big. but really am a pansy.

'm a hypocrite. i talk shit about everyone, and anyone. I'm a sell out. I'm pretty. I have a good medium level of self-esteem, but sometimes it's rather low.

i'm pretty innocent in comparison to some, but also am not in comparison to many others.

i'm pathetic when it comes to dating guys. I've never, and that's what so pathetic about it. I'm better at being their friend, then their object of attraction.

i hate the way my body looks. bu there are parts of it that I do like. i like how I'm pretty much equally porportioned.

I love my hair, and my face, and hence why those two are the most focused on by me.

currently, i craze attention from guy's. it's probably because I've never had that kind of attention on me before, it's always been on my best friends.

recently, i've undergo a chage. I have become a bit mre outspoken about a bit of everything. and the school counsellor has diagnosed me with a mild case of manic depression. In theory i have almost become the person hat I have wanted to be.

I'm more confident, i'm more of who i am and want to be. I stnad up for myself, i have a backbone. but i have becomemore bitter, and more angry. I'm more unhappy, when in theoryi should be more happy.

i'm not as socially awkward anymore, but i dont' really know how to make small talk.

HAJHJKAJHLKJHAKLJHJKLH

and just when audacius moments obliterate your every movement, you seem to realize that I exist.

so mister all-knowing tell me, how am I suppose to fulfill my life
"well what do you mean?", he replied
"well.. I mean, how am I going to fully live when there's so much wrong?, when I can't even be happy with myself?; when, doubt and second-guessing is mother nature?"

"you need to overlook what's bringing you down; you need to stop dwelling, and be able to realize that you are appreciated in this life"


i can't seem to see the brighter side, even though it's like a spot light pointed at my face.

"you need to unhabituate your pessimism, and instead, flaunt what you have always wanted to do with no worries and no doubt"