i just don't think that you get it, at all.
that's it's been you all along.

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i've been hanging out with Jesse a lot lately. And, I still don't know what to think of him.

he's so intense, but I like it and i don't. He's so blunt. It's nice but it's intimidating. I get pretty bad anxiety when I do hang out with him. We spent 6 hours together today.

I never know what to say to him. I know he doesn't judge.. but i just don't know.
The stuff that he wants to talk about is so intense, and i don't really have a formed opinion about it. I just feel pretty incompetitent i guess, in his stndards.

all he ever wants to talk about is girls, and how he can't get any. When in reality i am a girl that he can easily get, but he is obviously not interested.

I feel like I have not much of an ego left. Everything that I work so hard in, never seems to meet my standards. But then again i never try that hard.

I feel like a fly trapped in a jar. I feel i just exist, and frankly I don't want to just feel like that. I want to feel better about myself. I want to feel wanted.

Maybe I always just come off as if I'm not interested, but I guess i'm just THAT afraid of rejection. I'm THAT afraid of them having the upperhand on me.

cause' tht's what means the most to me, love and feeling wanted.

I don't want them knowing that I like them because I'm scared taht they'll use that against me. or that it would dent whatever we have/had. Cause' that's the only thing that I can't fake my way out of- feelings. Well, apparently i can.

I'm just scared. but right now, I just feel like I'm fucking pathetic. I feel like no one wants me. I feel like I always have my cahnce, but then it has gone too far for anything to really happen anymore. I'm just way to analytical about everything.

I just feel like I NEED to have everything mapped out. I'm just so used to being made fun of, that it has become so habituated of me tohave everything pre-planned or mapped out. Likeconvesations. or for me to steal someone's ideas.

I'm scared to vocialize my opinions to people cause' i'm scared that they're not going to like me. But i don't want to care anymore.I don't want to give a shit. I want to do what i want for me. Not for anyone else.


I quite aware of the fact that I'm not physically attractive, and when guys talk about girls' i get so self-conscious. I get so pushed away.

So when Jesse just talks about girls, I just stay quiet. i never have an answer. It's the fact that I feel humiliated by my presented physical disposition, and the fact that i just don't know what to say.


i'm sick of just exisitng.