i don't get it. i don't get him.

i'm sooooo bummed right now. really bummed. I swear, i'm going to die alone and unhappy.


shit, i'm soooo done. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to look, i feel like I'm totaly undesirable.

i suck. and I just want to cry. life blows chunks.

i just want a decent boyfriend. I want a guy who is almost perfectly fine. The guys that I tend to like are fucked.

i just want guy that I can hold, that I can share my day with, that I can just call up and know he'll answer, and will not flake out on me.


is that TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

boys hate me, period.

this fucking sucks. and I suck. this is all my fault. i push people away. I don't act like i'm interested. i don't act desirable. I'm fucking disgusting, and that's who i am.

and apparently people can't accept that. people can't find that attractive, i don't blame them.

I'm so fucking disappointed in myself right now. I feel so let down. I hate myself. I hate who I am,i feel like such a prude when i talk to him. and I do not want it to be like that at all, but he just brings out that side of me.

I don't want to fuck him, cause' i don't want it to be that easy. I want to be in a relationship first, i want to have something first before just going all the way.



sorry i'm not skinny, sorry i'm not an intelectual, sorry that I just have nothing what-so-ever to offer anyone.

sorry I'm too nice, sorry that i just appease.

WHO THE FUCK AM I?, WHO THE FUCK HAVE I BECOME?


i'm stuck inbetween two type of people.

there's the side of me that's so-called bad. but i'm not bad enough to be considered totally bad.

and there's the side of me that's so-called innocent, but i'm not innocent enough to be considered totally inncocent.

and i think this is whre people find it difficult to deal with me. People arn't down with people they're don't know, or know how to read.

I do want to fuck guys, but not Jesse, and especially not because he wants it so bad. I don't want to give him what he wants the most.


i'm on a fucking low right now and it's probably because i've been at home so much. I really wish I had some fucking weed right now or even smokes.

i'm so done with being like this.

I'm done with being so embarassed by myself; i'm done with feeling this dissatisfaction with life; i'm done with having no fall backs.

i'm done with feeling so needy, i'm done with feeling so fucking high maintenance all the time.


i'm done. i'm so done. i wish I was someone else, as sad as that is.

i am the type of person that just NEEDS a lot of reassurance in her life. I dont want to be a prude, i swear. but for some reason i just can't help but sound like one anyways. :(

this fucking blows chunks. huge ass chunks. I have no confidence what-so-ever. I have no self esteem. I have nothing to offer anyone. I'm a bore and a half, unless i've known you and have gotten comfortable with you for about 4 years.


i feel like i'm doing everything for the wrong reasons. i feel like i only like jesse because he's giving me thatattention that i need right now. I feel liek i only like him because he's a guy. and I'm pretty desperate, and alone.


yeah i'm cute, and somewhat pretty.. but where is that going to get me in life? I feel so stupid lately. I feel like such a dumbass. I feel likei'm too fucking needy, and too fucking chill, and still have no fucking backbone.


i feel like I'm jsut there. i feel like i'm not memorable, what-so-ever. i'm predictable, i'm fat, i'm boring, i'm typical, i'm sarcastic, i'm easily intimidated, i'm way too contrived, i'm not creative, i'm just bits and pieces of everyone i know.

i'm not me. i'm not me at all. the me that i want to be, is someone who can jhust say whatever she wants. the me that I want to be is someone who is straightforward, who has a lot of confidence, who can just tell guys straight up that she has a thing for them, who can just full on mack out with guys.

not this timid piece of shit that I am.


i just wish victoria offered more amenities, especially amenities in the form of guys.

i'm so done. i'm done with "being me". i'm done with being a fake. i'm done with doing things for the wrong reasons. I just want to let myself go, but i just can't cause' I don't want to be a hussy, or be seen as a hussy.


I can't be like jamie, but honestly.. i'm jealous that she can be the way that she is and just not care. I'm jealous thatshe's not all that pretty, but yet can get guys. probably cause' she has a hot bod.

as for me, i'm flabby, and like i said i'm sarcastic. I have no personality. I have nothing. I have a nice rack, but barely. I have nice hair, but guys don't care.. and those that do are gay. I have a pretty face, but that's only nice to look at.



i'm desperate for change, for good change. i thought jesse was going to fill that void, but nope.