I can't help but feel as a human I have failed.

I have failed in every way possible.


that or I just live a different life then most people or something. Cause' for some reason I just feel pathetic all the fucking time, and it takes such a toll on me.

I just want someone who will love me as much as I will love them. Who's going to be there for me.


mainly, i just want a really good friend. ultimately i'll settle for that.

i dont get it. why is it so hard for me to let people love me?

no scratch that. Why is it that I feel like no one wants to put the time and effort to love me? or at least listen to me. :(

i'm soooooo sick of this. I'm so sick of this feeling. This continuous feeling of wanting to just fuck it and peace. I used to be a fighter. I used to be strong. Now I'm just a pussy not wanting to deal with her own problems. I let things get in the way.

I really don't know why i bother trying to talk to people. They never listen, hence why i've always kept to myself. Why do I try, I might as well just talk to myself. Cause' that's what I'm doing in the end. It's like talking to a fucking wall.


I hate how I'm just so fucking alone. I'm suck a lonely fuck and it sucks. I just want someone to listen to me, and have enough decency to listen to me, and maybe perhaps a miracle might happen and have them actually respond genuinely, and not make some fake shit up just to give you what you want to hear, and to have them avoid talking about shit.


this is what I miss about having friends that are girls. I miss being able to talk to them, not that I really did. But now our schedules conflict.


I hate people that wants to know because they want to know, not because they want to help. FUCK THAT BULLSHIT.


nothing but falsehopes. seriuosly.


that's fucked up. I hate people sometimes. I just want to live by myself, and just fucking die alone. Which i will anyways, so it's perfect, aint it??

Belief is a subjective personal basis for individual behavior, while truth is an objective state independent of the individual. - sociology

One must drop all sense of ego in order to fulfill their ultimate destiny - de (of tao)

"In the state of p'u, there is no right or wrong, beautiful or ugly. There is only pure experience, or awareness, free from learned labels and definitions. It is this state of being that is the goal of following wu wei."


"in Taoism. The Three Jewels are compassion, moderation and humility"

I think i"m so sad all thetime, is that its the only thing that I feel comfortale being real about.

it's the only thing that I sort of loved. It's the only thingthat comes natural to me.


but i don't wantto be sad anymore. i don't want to feel like i'm useless.

I'm starting to think again, which is fantastic.

I love thinking. Thinking is good for the soul. I love self realization, small ephiphonies, what ever you want to call it - I. Love. It.

It opens your mind, and it helps is mature. It helps you understand you. I miss my self-time. I miss getting lost in my thoughts. I miss writing.

I miss being somewhat creative, and smart. Lately, I just feel incredibly stupid. Like a flat-out idiot. I talk too much, and don't put much thought into what I say. At some point this summer my brain just shut off. And out comes reckless Jessica.

I just stopped caring. I got too caught up with enjoying life, that I was reasonable anymore. I want to be mature, and responsible AND enjoy life the way that I do.


I want to have a say, I don't want to be a pushover anymore. But out of habit, I just am one. I'm scared to speak my mind, because I'm scared of people ridiculing me. I want to stick up for myself, I want to stick up for other people. I don't want to be this snob that I have become.

I miss my old mentality. Somehow in the course of the last 6 months, I've derailed and it's definitely time for me to get back on track. I want to have more focus. I want more growth. I want maturity. I want to be real. I feel like such a kid these days, that it's unreal. I havn't felt like this in a lonnnnnnnnnng time.

I miss having good judgement. I miss taking a step back and thinking things through first. Now-a-days I just do what I want, whenever I want.

I need to start thinking about my finances, and need to worry about paying bills and what not, not about drugs, or materialistic wants.

more and more everyday, i realize that i am my mother.

th eproblem with me, is that I have all skills to do whatever I want. but I just don't know how to use them properly.

The problem with me, is that I work my ass off doing whatever I do, and when I finish.. I'm lost.

I don`t know what I want, and that is the main problem with me.

I had a dream the other day.

that justin just up and left. I was calling out to him to stay, but he just left.

I think that's just my insecurities speaking to me.

and the one I had right before that was of shaylene dowden.

I dreamt that I was reunited with some people from high school at a dinner, or something.

and all of sudden I just ask "I havn't seen shaylene around these days, What have she been up to?"

then someone gets up and slams there hand on the table, and says angrily "She's dead. She died four months ago"

me, stunned "what?!?!?!?!?!? what happened?"

"someone shot her, and they still don't know who"


that dream was because a girl that clarke knows had just jumped off an apartment building two days prior.

i find myself sad and pathetic, with no life.

im lonely, and i have been lonely for about 20 years now. that is sad.

i have no one but myself to solve all of my problems. what the fuck is the matter with me?

what the fuck is my problem? am i repulsive? then why do i find myself repelling people to love me?

I've never had anyone come and jsut take care of me, and love me the way that i want to be loved.

I want to be comforted. but yet, time and time again i find myself comforting myself.

I'm ashamed to let people know. I'm embarassed.

I'm just one big embarassment. I'm just one big joke. I just can't help but feel emebarassed about myself.

I have ALWAYS been an embarassment, as a person, and to my family. and my friends.

There's something wrong with me. I just want someone to love me, is that so hard?

Everything else I can provide for myself, except for this.. someone else's love.

That's all I need. at least it's the only thing left for me to experience. But yet, somehow.. I'm just pathetic. People don't want me like that.

I'm always just the girl to hear out everyone else's problems. I'm just the girl that's always just there. I"m jsut the girl that doesn't have anyone to call her own.

I'm a loser. I'm a loner. I'm a failure. There's nothing about it.

I have become one of the biggest failures I know. I'm sad and pathetic.

I have fucked up my whatever I had going for me, all because of distractions. all because I just want to be accepted, and to feel like I belong somewhere.

I fucked up for drugs. I fucked up for stupid shit. Sometimes I hate what I've become. I had so much gooing for me... I guess I still do.

I hate the way that I am. I hate the way that I talk. I hate how stupid I have become. Like literally stupid. I'm just flat out stupid these days. I have lost my sensibility.

I have lost my reasonable self. all for nothing. I let things get in the way all the time, and i can't stop it.

I don't like myself. I hate how I cut people off when I talk to them. I hate how I don't really listen, or care. I hate how I forget things all the time. My short term memory has gone to SHITTTTTTS.


I think I'm just terminally depressed.

I don't know what to do with myself.

This may be the stupidest thing you've heard, but I honestly cannot see myself living my life fully. Like to the end. I just can't really think of myself living that far.

I wouldn't want to if I'm dying alone. Jessica Leung have always been alone and will always be alone.

I just can't help but feel so inadequate. I can fake a lot of things, but I can't fake the way I feel.

Who the fuck am I? and what the fuck do I have going for me? ... nothing.

I hate the fact that only since I've lost a bit of weight that guys have been checking me out.

I hate that. fuck guys for that shit. fuck you.

Why am I so angry all the time? Why am I so sad all the time?

I just want to be happy and loved. Loved in the way that's not just friends.

WHy wont anyone love me? Why? I can't help but think it's me. I can't help but to have no self-esteem. I can't help but to have no self-confidence.

Sometimes I just don't want to do this anymore. I just want out. I hate this shit. I hate feeling this way. I hate crying for stupid shit like this. I hate being such a loser.


I feel like a kid. I feel like I"m so immature. I feel so young. I feel so demeaned. Quite frankly, I feel like an idiot.

I feel so fucking alone.

I'm definitely pathetic when it comes to guys. like... really pathetic.

I don't know what to say, how to act. I jsut make a fool of myself, as always.

I just want to go.


It's true, I don't stick up for myself. I let people step all over me. and milk me for what I'm worth. I can't help it. it's jsut who i am. pathetic.

I want this feeling gone. I just want to be fucked up on drugs all the fucking time.

I don't want to be alone anymore.

am i seriously goingto be alone as long as i think i'm going to be alone for?

cause' it sure as hell feels like it.

buuuut it does feel good these days seeing guys check me out. annnd knowing that guys are asking about me. It's flattering.

even though i know that they're staring at me like a piece of meat. I know that all they want to do is use me.

but that's kind of okay, cause' i'm not really looking for anything longterm, any guy would run after knowig me for too long. I tend to get kind of crazy.

uut i don't wantto give off that persona that i'm a hussy like that. I just want to have fun, and be safe while at it.

definitelly got a mad rush of home sickness last night.

i've just been so sad altely, and i don't even know why.

I just want to cry all the time. I just want to be sad. Why do I need to keep up this so-xcalled "bubbly" image? Why? It's cause people get adjusted to the person that you are.

people always have this image of you to hold onto. But I can't smile. I can't be geniunely happy. Why can't I just be happy?

Am I always going to be alone? I just can't help but think that I'm always just going to be a friend. I'm always just going ot be there and help people.

I'm nothing more than an aid.

I'm helpless, but I'm always helping. seems to be the world that rules me.

I just can't help but care. geniunely care about everyone. I can't stand people being sad. I love to help.

I think i need to be shaken. I feel as though i've grown as much as i need to grow. but not at the same time.

I can't help but to be stepped on all the time. I don't know why other people's happiness is so important to me, so important that I end up compromising my own at times.

well guess what... I'm sick yet again. Life is lloking up as per ususal. as of course, i'm being sarcastic.


we are still looking for an apartment.

so we're in Halifax now.

don't really know what i really think about it. we havn't really had time to take our time to enjoy it and relax. we've been trying to find an apartment and just the stress from it has stunted my enjoyment of this town.

I'm scared. I'm scared that this isn't going to work out. I'm scared that this place is going to ruin mine and justin's friendship.

I'm just getting this really bad feeling about it, and i don't realyl know what to think about it all, because I'm just scared.

i don't know if i'm being paranoid, or if it's just instincts kicking in.

I'm getting bad vibes from him, and i don't like it one bit.


I don't like it at all. I think that he's being sneaky, and fuck that shit.

fuck getting used. fucking having nothing left.


maybe it's just the weather talking but I don't really know. I'm scared,.

I'ms cared that I'm not going to make rent, I'm scared that i'm going to be poor.

I'm just scared about everything. this is THE most spontaneous thing that i've ever done. literally. THE most spontaneous thing.


boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo to these feelings.

fuck this feeling. I'm getting that whole boo i'm going to be alone for the rest of myt life feelings again. THOSE thoughts, again.

you know what that means, PERIOD, haha.

fuck. my. life.

I just don't really kjnow how I feel about justin. I don't nkow if he's going to flake on me or not. cause' i'm getting these 2nd agenda vibes from him, and fuck second aganedas, they're bullshit.

if you have other things in mind, don't drag me into and leave me after. cause' FUCK THAT SHIT.

i'll break you. seriuosly. don't fuck with me. i'll drop you in a heartbeat. and i'll make people regret loosing me. seriuosly.

i don't get mad, i get even. it's how i work and it's how i will always work.

people need to know how they are affecting other people to understand the feeling. to understand that it's fucked up to do stupid shit like that to other people. it's fucked up to even have the mindset of using someone to get somewhere, then when you're all settled you drop'em. you fucking leave them. fuck that shit.

seriusly. why bother. fuck selfish people. fuck second agendas.

i'm always better at judging characters when it comes to people that arnt affecting me.

i'm always better judging characters when it's from afar.

but seriusly, i do feel as if theres no good guys out there.

there's no guys that'll ever want me. Like, there's this guy that follows girls home and then sneaks into their house to watch them sleep at night.

and for some reason, i just don't care cause' no guy likes me enough to do that. I just don't give off that vibe. I don't. Guys don't want me, it's how its always been, and it's how it will always be.

I swear i will die alone. I rahter die alone, then die unhappy. but there's definitely a fine line between the two.

I just want to be comfortable, and I just want to be loved. cause' i've spent my whole life working hard, and getting really nothing.

I have nothign to show for it all. I have nothing to show for anything, seriusly.

look at the person that I am right now. Wht have I achieved? moving across the country, that's it. I don't even have a place to live, no job, no ride.

I'm fucked, and I'm just a cling-on. I swear. I just live vicariously through other people.


I'm defensive because I've been picked on my whole life. I'm defensive because I'm scared to let people know me. for some damn reason.

People dont help me, i help people. I'm a solo fighter. I've been by myself for this long. I'm tired though. I'm restless, and I honestly have nothing else to give. I'm done. I'm in a transition phase. and hopefully it'll be for the better, not for the worst.


I need to grow up, cause' I'm kind of stupid right now. like reallllllly stupid. I've lost my reasonable jessica self. I've lost my think first then speak mentality.

at least, i'm having fun?

I know that i can't live my life in a box all the time, i know that I just can't be proper all the time. and that's there's nothing wrong with acting my age. but why do I feel like i always have this image to live up to. why do i feel like i need to be somehting more everytime?

it's cause' i don't like being an open book. i realoly don't. but i am readable. that's for sure.

all i want to be in happy. i want to be with like minded people, and people that wont put me on edge all the time. and people that wont test my strength most days.


i just need one big self evaluation.

i'm done being so nice.

i'm done waiting around for people. I'm done with people having these expectations of me doing everything and not saying a word about it. I'm done with being stepped on.

I am well aware that I'm too nice for my own good. I am well aware of that.

but people who are as well, and continue stepping on me.. it sickens me.

why do you think I have no "real" friends? I push everyone away.

i don't want to try, cause' it's just going to be fake.

I want some geniune people in my life. I have filtered through everyone.

I have nothing else to give. I'm done, I'm tired, and I'm worn out.



I'm done with flakes. I know i've said this a billlllllllllllllllllllion times, but fuck.

why do I attract myself to needy people? why do i like helping so much?

life sucks.

i'm tired of being sad. i'm tired of being back in vic.

I want to leave, and I'm making it happen tomorrow. when i wake up.

goddamit

my saturday night was goood. ahaha

did methylone, annnd gooot fuckkkkkkked.

had one big cuddle puddle with scott and justin on justin's couch.

fuck it was amazing, haha.

I'm scared that i'm going to be a gypsy for the rest of my life with this constant need of change.


i'm scared that i'm never going to find someone or somewhere to settle down, and these fears tend to hold me back from doing what i want to do.

i always need a push.

i dont'k now.

i'm scared of not being in control, and just not knowing scares me.

but i always know that i can move back with ym parentsd until i can get on my own feet again.

PYSCHOLOGICAL TEST

Here is the analysis:

You are easy going and carefree.
How ambitious you are depends on the height that you answered, which is: MIDDLE.
You try to please everyone, the size of this personality as seen by others is medium.
Glass means fragile personality.
You are also down-to-earth.
You are an opportunist.
Your best friend is the one you need when you are in trouble.

5 Q PERSONALITY TEST

Here is the analysis:

Your ideal mate has a sense of humor and is lively.
Most of your plan would be successful. When you wish, you make a reasonable wish.
No effort, no success. That's your attitudes towards success.
You think that if you like what you are and have, then no matter what, you will always be happy.
You are emotional, sincere and optimistic.

WHAT TYPE OF PERSONALITY DO IHAVE

Kind and Gentle
Your kindness is your charm - you are also gentle and sweet. Everybody likes to be around people with your personality. Like a psychologist, people like to talk to you to discuss their problems because you are proper and discrete, as well as confident. You look mature and people respect you. People with this kind of character are few and far between.

"THE REAL ME

Here is the analysis:

You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.

You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.

You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm.

Guys see you as being a thinker and a careful person. They will be really attracted to this quality in you, but you need to learn to speak your mind, otherwise people will find you too shy and quiet. Learn to relax and lighten up--it's okay to have fun sometimes. When you learn to develop your fun-loving side, guys are going to flock to your side.

Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

WHAT'S ON MY MIND
Here is the analysis:

You think money and love are equally important. You have an interest in many things in life, and work hard to ensure that you maintain a healthy balance between work, play and love. However, you tend to be unable to decide on what you really want to do with your life. You wouldn't dream of leaving your loved one for one or two million dollars, but you would have to reconsider if the offer rose to 100 million dollars.

I don't know what to do. I'm getting so restless. it's this played out game that never ends with me. I'm a gypsy. I just constantly need change. I get too adjusted too easily.

I need change of setting, and change of people. For some reason, I just can't let people help me. Slash, i just can't find anyone that I really trust to help me.

I'm self dependent and self reliant. I'm my own psychologist. and it sucks. cause' it's just one opinion, and it's my own.

I dont really know yet. I'm thinking about staying until i get my license back, then go to winnipeg for a bit, to stay with michelle, thenn head over to nova scotia to stay with phoebe and them for a bit until i find my own place.

thennn go to hair school, and get a job afterwards.

thennn i want to travel and work at the same time.

and since cutting hair is pretty universal, i don't think it'd be THAT hard, but i guess it's probably easier said then done.

and probably language barriers are difficult to deal with at times.




I'm just getting realllllllllly bitter. and it's no fun. I hate myself for being like this, but i'm exhausted, and no one is making this easier for me.

it just feels like i have no respect around here, and just get treated like some rug.

stepped on, and stepped on.

I don't know. i'm just really done with selfish people, and for once, i really need to think about myself.

i don't know if i want to leave with my parents, i reallllllly want to. but i don't know if i'll regret it or not.

i'm scared that i will.

i'm scared that i'll have to come back to this place cause no where else will have me.

i'm pathetic when it comes to interviews and getting jobs.




RINGS ON fINGER
Forefinger

You are quitely confident and very responsible. You like to lead and can appear to be quite tough on the surface, but underneath is a gentle and sensitive character that enjoys the finer things of life.

i'm tired as fuck. about to go in revelstoke, to check out their music festival.

happy birthday mommy.

sooooooooo i've moved to rogers pass, AKA the middle of nowhere. i've been here for about 3 weeks now.

i miss my mom. I'm so sad right now. it's her birthday and she can't even enjoy it cause' i'm gone. it breaks my heart that i'm breaking her heart. she took a month off work cause' she can't sleep at night, cause' she's so worried about me.

she started to cry when i was talking to her. I just feel like i left her with a pile of mess. i got arrested, she foudn out i blaze, that i smoke, got my car impounded, and now i'm about to lose my license. all within a span of 2 months.

i told her not to worry. and that i'm just growing up.





the other day back in victoria, i had such a good alone time. i just chilled at topaz park for likke an hour, and just thought.

i came to the conlcusion that i'm the way that i am, because i don't know what i want. with everything.



yeahh.

my birhtday is coming up real soon.

bong
mp3 converter thing for my car
sound system

annnnd i did E some time last month.


i feeel like i'm such a bad kid.

I feel like that little kid in me that just wanted to "fuck-around-and-experience-life" is taking it's course right now.

i'm not listening to the sensible jessica, that be gone.

i did shroooom todays
what a tripppppp!

i don't really know how i feel rght now


i'm definitely sick of getting disrespected, and just being underappreciated.
it's just the same problems i run into with every groupd thati hang out with.

but it's my fault, and iknow it.

on the contrary though, i know i am appreciated. because they feel bad for asking for rides, and smokes.

but yeeeet, they can't help but keep on doing it.


i'm just pissed as always.






i jusdt want to beat someone up.

just to prove that i can, and to get out all my frustrations.

1. i am a woman of my words. if i say something to you, i wont back down. I just need a bit of reminding, that's all.

2. i used to be a better friend.

3. i constantly find myself stepping over myself.

4. i'm a hypocrite.

5. i lie

6. i'm everything you wanted, except not.



asdjfklhhhhhh

i am well
i am good.

life has been good.

michelle and i went to the gym today for like an hour, but it was good.
we went on a long ass walk before though, a 2 hour walk. we walked up to christms hill, then back down, to quadra.


i feel soooooo good right now.

i just want to keep on working out.

ultimately, i would like to stop smoking.. but not right now. I know i know.. it's never the right time.. but i don't feel like it's the right time for me, right now. i don't know.. we'll find out.


i want this to work out.

i want to lose a pant size or two.

i want to be skinnier, and i want to get noticed, and get yellled at? i don' tknow.


i want to look good, and i want to feel good about myself.
i want to stop worrying about showng off my stomach, or my thihghs, or just something, i dont 'know.

i don't want to be self consciuos anymore. i'm tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, i know it's a played out line, but it's how i feel: uncomfortable.


i also, ultimately, want to slow down my blazing... even though it's at it's peak right now.



i always say that if I wanted to stop, i could... i really feel like I can' anymore.

;like i've gone too far. like i've take so much of an advantage of it that I just an't change.


I know i'm fucking up with schooool, but I really don't care.. butI guess that that's because I'm not the one paying for it.. but I think even if I was paying for it.. i would be doing the same thing.



I just need to be out of this city.
as soon as school is done I want to DRIIIIIIIIVE.

and as soong as June hits, I'm running away. haha.. well driving away.

I want to peace this city, and this province.. or probably just explore this province.. I dont' know.

i've been goood.

though i wish he cared about me the way i care. just like good friends. he's like a big brother to me.

it's not that he doesn't care.. it's just i want answers sometimes and he doesn't ahve them for me.


no one does, ever.
forsome reason i have answers for them, some how. but no one has answers for me.


whatever. apparently i'm going to go to the gym with michelle right now. fuck my life. hahah... i'm too tired but i'll go. whateve.



i went and visited Balcnhe, and the lady loved me there.. saying that i have talent and shit. yeahhh

i don't know.


i'm starting to get pretty concerned about my midterms, and shit. yeahh.

all is well. i think


but i have come to the realization that i'm done with michelle.

i don't need stanky people in my life.

i'm good without. thanks.

it'stime for me to think about myself.


yup.

I don't know what to think. i guess it's just that time again where things just never seem to make sense. and i just feel the way that i do.

it's a perpetual cycle, that i would like to be gone.


i don't know.

fuck man. i don't know. He's moving away, and i think that's why i'm backing off. I'm just sick of having people leave me. I'm done with Victoria; i feel like i'm friends with everyone i can be friends with in Victoria. There's no one else they can offer me really.


i was talking to kayla last night, regardless of stuck i feel here, i'm still going to miss it. I'm going to miss how beautiful it is here, and the fact that i can see EVERYTHING just from a tiny ass mnountain, is pretty comforting.

I'm going to miss the clean air, the sparse amount of people, and traffic. I'm going to miss just cruising around and being able to complete the course of victoria within the hour.

i'm going to miss bumping into someone i know everywhere i go.

i'm going to miss my home.

but if i move to vancouver i'm not going to miss it as much, but i'll still miss it.

i'm going to miss knowing where i am at all times. i'm going to miss knowing my way around.

it's a love-hate relationship: victoria, and i.




I really don't know why i'm feeling so down right now. I think it's because of the whole joe situation but i'm not really sure.

he messaged me the other on facebook, and it was pretty insincere. he kept saying "lol" and "hahahhah"

no thanks.



i sent him this HUGE ass message back bithcing him out. it made me feel better, but i dont' know.


at the same time i feel like shit. i dont' think it's because of that, but i think it is. i don't nkow.


what the fuck is wrong with me :(

I just want to be out and about right now. the weather is too nice to be spent inside.


i know that i'll still be feeling the same way when i'm out. i know that i'll still be feeling lonely. but honestly, i prefer to be lonely in a city where i don't know people, rather than feeling lonely in a city where i know a lot of people.


i know i'm young, and i'm probably just thinking pretty irrationally. but i don't want to be here anymore. there's too much drama. EVERYWHERE.

people are just supplements to life, not the reason for it.

yeah i'm alone
but the weather makes up for the shittiness of life, right now.

i'm happy just being friends with Jesse.

it's been a while?

so i'm back at square one again.
I don't like Jesse, I just liked liking him. it was fun while it lasted, whatevs.

i like chilling with him, and talking to him.
werd

FEBRUARY 16th
3 peonies
by leigh at union.

fuuuuuuuuuuuck. i don't want to write a fucking report,espeically a report about facebook.



i'm lonely. i'm alone. this sucks.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i don't want o settle for something that i don't totally want.

and i don't know if Jesse is that for me. He's way too assertive. but he's so damn charming.

my texts with him:
me: "econ is in room CBA286"
him: "thanks"
him:"so i still feel prety scumlike will you smoke one with me after school?"
me: "that sucks. i'm sorry that you feel that way. and yeah i'll blaze with you"
him: "your such a sweetheart are you finshed at 320?"
me: "it's what i've come to the conclusion of. That i'm meant to be here jsut to be the best of a friend that i can be. And yeah I'm off at 320. "
him: "your awesome i try to be the best i can but i am definitely not as awesome as you"
me: "hah thanks"


DEC 22,2008
him: "yo, what are you saying?"
him: "nothing i'm guessing?"
me: "hello, you would just assume that. I'm just on the bus right now. Sorry I guess my jesse radar didn't go off.
him: "haha where are you going?"
me: "home. what are you up to?"
him: "on the bus going home you still couldn't drive?"
me: "i crashed at kay quan's last night"
him: "sweet what did you two get up to?"
me: "we walked to wal-mart from tillicum. from there we bussed to her hopuse and watched a couple of movies. Today, we went downtown and she bought gloves for the homeless."
him: "well that sounds wholesome. Wanna come over and smoke some weed with me?"
me: "I would love to. but i just got home and there's some things i gotta do first, so i wont be able to come until a bit later"


nov 23,2008
him: "yo are you up?"
me: "i am now, what' sup?"
him: "i just woke up put on some ratat picked up the half full pipe next to my bed was thinking about last night and wanted to talk to someone i would incite you for breakfast/tea but i think i am gonna go to work for 11"

Dec 21, 2008
me: "morning sunshine."
him: "hey babe"

so jesse called me at 3:49 this morning.

it's so nice to feel wanted, but it's not the kind of want that I need. :(

He called me cause' he felt like scum, cause' he fucked the girl that lives downstairs. It's not even the fact that she lives downstairs.. it's that she lives downstairs with her boyfriend whom she has a kid with.

he had to go to this dinner party thing that he got invited to, and he was going to bring Alex with him, but Alex bailed last minute.. and so Jesse decided to go downstairs to ask the couple there if one of them watned to, as a repayment for them cooking him dinner.

Charles suggested that Michelle probably wants to go more cause' she's been needing a break from home.

So Jesse took michelle, and apparently she kept hitting on him, and kept trying to jook up with him. But he said no, and that it's wrong and what not.. but then eventually he's like "how about i just drink enough so that i wouldn't think abut it"

afterwards,they went back to jesse's room and they fucked.

and now he feels like scum. He was pretty drunk when he called me.

he kept trying to get me to go blaze him, but i kept saying "it's 4 o'clock in the morning, and i look like shit"

he's like "so"

I wish i wasn't just the friend. I wish i was something more.

i wish I had the balls to call him up to jus talk. To confide in him, but i can' do it. I can't open myself up like that... i can if he asks maybe.. no.. i don't think i could. I can't even talk about it with Phoebe and them.. i just feel pathetic. I really do, and i wish i didn't but i do. fuck.

I can't talk about how lonely i am. but i am, and it's the most reoccuring set-back that I face. loneliness. fuck.

I justwant to know why I can't get a guy.. but i know why and that's the problem.. i thin. it's cause' i can't let myself be girly, i can't let myslf be flirty, I just can't let myself be vulnerable.

I'm scared of getting rejected. I'm THAT scared. I'm scared of getting judged. I'm scared of getting luaghed at. I'm scared that they're going to feel sorry for me.

fuck.

thoughts about 2008.

- i'm glad that I changed
- i'm glad that i am able to call people out
- i'm glad that I talked to Jesse, I'm glad that I added him on faceboo, I'm glad that I didn't chicken out.. but I'm chickening out on progressing things.
- I'm glad that my ability to cut hair had progressed, and the word-of-mouth about it is only good news
- I'm glad that I met the people that I did, cause' they've helped me developed
- i'm glad that I ended my highschool years the ways that i did, i have no regrets about ti what-so-ever.
- I'm glad that I didn't cry at grad, or wanted to cry.
- yeah i lost a bestfriend, but I'm gaining one back.. kind of.
- i'm glad that I enjoy alone time, in small dosages.
- i've made realizations about things, and I'm working in ways to change myself more, and changing my environment.
- though, i have become more agigtated, and more un-ease.
- i have let down my shield to be able to tell people things, instead of hiding.
- i'm starting to exercise/run more. but still barely.
- i started to smoke more frequently, weed and tabacco.

my last two dreams ave been polar opposites. as with my days, as well.

the firs of the two dreams was of Jesse and i, as wit the second.

we were jus chilling, and being cuddly, and it was just warm hearted, and wholesome. It made me feel pretty positive as to where things were headed for us.
(side note: I have completly forgotten the dream, but i remember it being of that nature)

my second dream, was the one i had last night/today. I dreamt that we were going to a party, and i was picking him up with Kayla, but he brought Annabel from Montreal and he was just making out with her the whole time, and was jut going out of his way just to be with her. It made me feel so lonely, and it just felt like one big slap in the face.

this is defniely my insecurities creeping out into a dream, fo sho.

maybe I really do like him, maybe i don't. I'm stuck and alone. My fear is, is that i'll be alone for the rest of my life. For some reason, I can't help but feel like i need to change, but in reality.. just need to let myself go.

why am i so selfless? why do I care sooooo much? why can't i let go of my inhabitions.

i feel as if I'm failure at it's finest. not even it's finest, but yeah.

i'm sick of always feeling so low abot myself, I'm sick of needing so much reasurance in my life- I'm sick of having no confidence.

I know that i need to love myself before loving anything else, but how can i love myself when I don't feel like others find me appealing.

i hate vicious cycles. I wish life was easy, I wis life was understandable.

how can such a simple concept be so unattainable - happiness.

how can one girl be so unappealing, what is wrong with me? why can't there just be some easy solution? why is there not a hand guide? hah.

I just want to sit down with a guy, and be like "what is wrong with me? why am I so unappeling"

but i'm too chicken shit to do such a thing. I don't have balls. I act tough, but I'm not. I'm a weak fuck, that's all.

Why is it so hard to find someone to hold, to cherish, and to cherish you?

why do i have to work so hard for things, when it seems like things just get handed to people around me.

but then again we're talking about me. Queen of good luck with bad luck.


my goodluck with bad in relativity to guys is that I can make plenty of guy friends, but the bad luck par is that that's what we just are: friends.

i hate this feeling of unwanted-ness.

unwanted, that's all i am... when talking about likability.

I'm boring, fat, and very much insecure. and I want a guy that will like me for who I am, but that's just wishful thinking.


not guy wants those qualities in a girl. I have no personality, I have nothing to offer, but my loyalty. I'm unoriginal, and I'm tasteless.

in addition, I'm restless. I'm hopeless. I'm a lost cause. I'm just there, just there to be your friend. I have no second agenda, other then the fact that I may want to fuck you.

I don't have an approach, because I don't know how to do it.

I overthink too much, which causes me to lose befoe I begin, which is all in all, pathetic.

I lack motivation, because i feel as if, in repetition of myself, unwanted/undesirable. I fear they're going to say no, and say the things that I know already about myself.

that I'm fat, that I'm boring, that I'm insecure. I've tried to like myself, but it's hard when you feel like people don't feel the same about you. it's hard going through life thinking the way that I do, it's most certainly unbearable. extremely unbearable at times.

yeah, i'm silly for being so dramatic, but it's how i am, and it's how i think. I can't change it, that's the only thing that unchanging about me: my negativity, my pessismism.

When i say that I'm done with crying about these things, i mean it. I really am done with crying about the same old shit. but for some reason i've become so habituated with this negativity that it's overall stumping my growth as a person. it's stumping my potential.

i'm the poster child for potential. it's all i have: potential.


to say the least, this has been a pretty bad start to my year, but then on the brighter side... it can only go up from here, right?

my fear is taht i'll be called out on an act that isn't myself - being baited out.

all i ask for is a companion. a best friend, someone to hold me. somene who has the same sleep patterns as me. someone who i can just be totally comfortable with, someone who i can just share my thoughts with, smeone who will not judge. someone who will understand me.

my problem is that i have shields, and i can't let people in my life, easily. I offer people so much, and just simple advice never comes to me, and that's all i ever want.. advice, and comfort.

i want to better myself, but i need critque.

my flaw is that i can't stand purposely being in the center of attention. the "HEY LOOK AT ME" mentality, is not for me.

i'm in the background, and that's what's causing me to be the way that i am, i think. well it's a hunch that i have.

i dion't think that i have ever thought about death in this amount of seriuosness and excessiveness ever. the latter half of 2008 was spent doing just that.

especialyl when i'm driving, i just think "if only that car could hit me". I'm too much of a wuss for suicide.
I know people care for me, I know. but i feel as if I'm just a second thought. i'm second choice, and that's being my fear for center of attention.

I truly put people ahead of myself, all the time.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

this holiday has been everything but conventional. werrrrrrd.

so far my new years sucked, probably cause' i didn't get to see jesse, and pent most of it playing mom, and looked after people and cleaned up after people.

no one asked me to do it, i just did it. i was pretty much sober the whole night and ended up home.

i didn't go to bed until6am, and woke up at 11am.

i drank 2 energy drinks, and smoked the rest of the my weed. so i burnt out early and sobered up early, which sucked.

oh the holidays.

i also spent the majority of it consoling people.. including jesse.

which i dind't mind, i like consoling people.

but i'm just saying that overall i could have been better.
there was sshitty music, and people just wanted to make out with each other.. yeah.