I don't know what to think. i guess it's just that time again where things just never seem to make sense. and i just feel the way that i do.

it's a perpetual cycle, that i would like to be gone.


i don't know.

fuck man. i don't know. He's moving away, and i think that's why i'm backing off. I'm just sick of having people leave me. I'm done with Victoria; i feel like i'm friends with everyone i can be friends with in Victoria. There's no one else they can offer me really.


i was talking to kayla last night, regardless of stuck i feel here, i'm still going to miss it. I'm going to miss how beautiful it is here, and the fact that i can see EVERYTHING just from a tiny ass mnountain, is pretty comforting.

I'm going to miss the clean air, the sparse amount of people, and traffic. I'm going to miss just cruising around and being able to complete the course of victoria within the hour.

i'm going to miss bumping into someone i know everywhere i go.

i'm going to miss my home.

but if i move to vancouver i'm not going to miss it as much, but i'll still miss it.

i'm going to miss knowing where i am at all times. i'm going to miss knowing my way around.

it's a love-hate relationship: victoria, and i.




I really don't know why i'm feeling so down right now. I think it's because of the whole joe situation but i'm not really sure.

he messaged me the other on facebook, and it was pretty insincere. he kept saying "lol" and "hahahhah"

no thanks.



i sent him this HUGE ass message back bithcing him out. it made me feel better, but i dont' know.


at the same time i feel like shit. i dont' think it's because of that, but i think it is. i don't nkow.


what the fuck is wrong with me :(

I just want to be out and about right now. the weather is too nice to be spent inside.


i know that i'll still be feeling the same way when i'm out. i know that i'll still be feeling lonely. but honestly, i prefer to be lonely in a city where i don't know people, rather than feeling lonely in a city where i know a lot of people.


i know i'm young, and i'm probably just thinking pretty irrationally. but i don't want to be here anymore. there's too much drama. EVERYWHERE.

people are just supplements to life, not the reason for it.

yeah i'm alone
but the weather makes up for the shittiness of life, right now.

i'm happy just being friends with Jesse.

it's been a while?

so i'm back at square one again.
I don't like Jesse, I just liked liking him. it was fun while it lasted, whatevs.

i like chilling with him, and talking to him.
werd

FEBRUARY 16th
3 peonies
by leigh at union.

fuuuuuuuuuuuck. i don't want to write a fucking report,espeically a report about facebook.



i'm lonely. i'm alone. this sucks.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i don't want o settle for something that i don't totally want.

and i don't know if Jesse is that for me. He's way too assertive. but he's so damn charming.

my texts with him:
me: "econ is in room CBA286"
him: "thanks"
him:"so i still feel prety scumlike will you smoke one with me after school?"
me: "that sucks. i'm sorry that you feel that way. and yeah i'll blaze with you"
him: "your such a sweetheart are you finshed at 320?"
me: "it's what i've come to the conclusion of. That i'm meant to be here jsut to be the best of a friend that i can be. And yeah I'm off at 320. "
him: "your awesome i try to be the best i can but i am definitely not as awesome as you"
me: "hah thanks"


DEC 22,2008
him: "yo, what are you saying?"
him: "nothing i'm guessing?"
me: "hello, you would just assume that. I'm just on the bus right now. Sorry I guess my jesse radar didn't go off.
him: "haha where are you going?"
me: "home. what are you up to?"
him: "on the bus going home you still couldn't drive?"
me: "i crashed at kay quan's last night"
him: "sweet what did you two get up to?"
me: "we walked to wal-mart from tillicum. from there we bussed to her hopuse and watched a couple of movies. Today, we went downtown and she bought gloves for the homeless."
him: "well that sounds wholesome. Wanna come over and smoke some weed with me?"
me: "I would love to. but i just got home and there's some things i gotta do first, so i wont be able to come until a bit later"


nov 23,2008
him: "yo are you up?"
me: "i am now, what' sup?"
him: "i just woke up put on some ratat picked up the half full pipe next to my bed was thinking about last night and wanted to talk to someone i would incite you for breakfast/tea but i think i am gonna go to work for 11"

Dec 21, 2008
me: "morning sunshine."
him: "hey babe"

so jesse called me at 3:49 this morning.

it's so nice to feel wanted, but it's not the kind of want that I need. :(

He called me cause' he felt like scum, cause' he fucked the girl that lives downstairs. It's not even the fact that she lives downstairs.. it's that she lives downstairs with her boyfriend whom she has a kid with.

he had to go to this dinner party thing that he got invited to, and he was going to bring Alex with him, but Alex bailed last minute.. and so Jesse decided to go downstairs to ask the couple there if one of them watned to, as a repayment for them cooking him dinner.

Charles suggested that Michelle probably wants to go more cause' she's been needing a break from home.

So Jesse took michelle, and apparently she kept hitting on him, and kept trying to jook up with him. But he said no, and that it's wrong and what not.. but then eventually he's like "how about i just drink enough so that i wouldn't think abut it"

afterwards,they went back to jesse's room and they fucked.

and now he feels like scum. He was pretty drunk when he called me.

he kept trying to get me to go blaze him, but i kept saying "it's 4 o'clock in the morning, and i look like shit"

he's like "so"

I wish i wasn't just the friend. I wish i was something more.

i wish I had the balls to call him up to jus talk. To confide in him, but i can' do it. I can't open myself up like that... i can if he asks maybe.. no.. i don't think i could. I can't even talk about it with Phoebe and them.. i just feel pathetic. I really do, and i wish i didn't but i do. fuck.

I can't talk about how lonely i am. but i am, and it's the most reoccuring set-back that I face. loneliness. fuck.

I justwant to know why I can't get a guy.. but i know why and that's the problem.. i thin. it's cause' i can't let myself be girly, i can't let myslf be flirty, I just can't let myself be vulnerable.

I'm scared of getting rejected. I'm THAT scared. I'm scared of getting judged. I'm scared of getting luaghed at. I'm scared that they're going to feel sorry for me.

fuck.

thoughts about 2008.

- i'm glad that I changed
- i'm glad that i am able to call people out
- i'm glad that I talked to Jesse, I'm glad that I added him on faceboo, I'm glad that I didn't chicken out.. but I'm chickening out on progressing things.
- I'm glad that my ability to cut hair had progressed, and the word-of-mouth about it is only good news
- I'm glad that I met the people that I did, cause' they've helped me developed
- i'm glad that I ended my highschool years the ways that i did, i have no regrets about ti what-so-ever.
- I'm glad that I didn't cry at grad, or wanted to cry.
- yeah i lost a bestfriend, but I'm gaining one back.. kind of.
- i'm glad that I enjoy alone time, in small dosages.
- i've made realizations about things, and I'm working in ways to change myself more, and changing my environment.
- though, i have become more agigtated, and more un-ease.
- i have let down my shield to be able to tell people things, instead of hiding.
- i'm starting to exercise/run more. but still barely.
- i started to smoke more frequently, weed and tabacco.

my last two dreams ave been polar opposites. as with my days, as well.

the firs of the two dreams was of Jesse and i, as wit the second.

we were jus chilling, and being cuddly, and it was just warm hearted, and wholesome. It made me feel pretty positive as to where things were headed for us.
(side note: I have completly forgotten the dream, but i remember it being of that nature)

my second dream, was the one i had last night/today. I dreamt that we were going to a party, and i was picking him up with Kayla, but he brought Annabel from Montreal and he was just making out with her the whole time, and was jut going out of his way just to be with her. It made me feel so lonely, and it just felt like one big slap in the face.

this is defniely my insecurities creeping out into a dream, fo sho.

maybe I really do like him, maybe i don't. I'm stuck and alone. My fear is, is that i'll be alone for the rest of my life. For some reason, I can't help but feel like i need to change, but in reality.. just need to let myself go.

why am i so selfless? why do I care sooooo much? why can't i let go of my inhabitions.

i feel as if I'm failure at it's finest. not even it's finest, but yeah.

i'm sick of always feeling so low abot myself, I'm sick of needing so much reasurance in my life- I'm sick of having no confidence.

I know that i need to love myself before loving anything else, but how can i love myself when I don't feel like others find me appealing.

i hate vicious cycles. I wish life was easy, I wis life was understandable.

how can such a simple concept be so unattainable - happiness.

how can one girl be so unappealing, what is wrong with me? why can't there just be some easy solution? why is there not a hand guide? hah.

I just want to sit down with a guy, and be like "what is wrong with me? why am I so unappeling"

but i'm too chicken shit to do such a thing. I don't have balls. I act tough, but I'm not. I'm a weak fuck, that's all.

Why is it so hard to find someone to hold, to cherish, and to cherish you?

why do i have to work so hard for things, when it seems like things just get handed to people around me.

but then again we're talking about me. Queen of good luck with bad luck.


my goodluck with bad in relativity to guys is that I can make plenty of guy friends, but the bad luck par is that that's what we just are: friends.

i hate this feeling of unwanted-ness.

unwanted, that's all i am... when talking about likability.

I'm boring, fat, and very much insecure. and I want a guy that will like me for who I am, but that's just wishful thinking.


not guy wants those qualities in a girl. I have no personality, I have nothing to offer, but my loyalty. I'm unoriginal, and I'm tasteless.

in addition, I'm restless. I'm hopeless. I'm a lost cause. I'm just there, just there to be your friend. I have no second agenda, other then the fact that I may want to fuck you.

I don't have an approach, because I don't know how to do it.

I overthink too much, which causes me to lose befoe I begin, which is all in all, pathetic.

I lack motivation, because i feel as if, in repetition of myself, unwanted/undesirable. I fear they're going to say no, and say the things that I know already about myself.

that I'm fat, that I'm boring, that I'm insecure. I've tried to like myself, but it's hard when you feel like people don't feel the same about you. it's hard going through life thinking the way that I do, it's most certainly unbearable. extremely unbearable at times.

yeah, i'm silly for being so dramatic, but it's how i am, and it's how i think. I can't change it, that's the only thing that unchanging about me: my negativity, my pessismism.

When i say that I'm done with crying about these things, i mean it. I really am done with crying about the same old shit. but for some reason i've become so habituated with this negativity that it's overall stumping my growth as a person. it's stumping my potential.

i'm the poster child for potential. it's all i have: potential.


to say the least, this has been a pretty bad start to my year, but then on the brighter side... it can only go up from here, right?

my fear is taht i'll be called out on an act that isn't myself - being baited out.

all i ask for is a companion. a best friend, someone to hold me. somene who has the same sleep patterns as me. someone who i can just be totally comfortable with, someone who i can just share my thoughts with, smeone who will not judge. someone who will understand me.

my problem is that i have shields, and i can't let people in my life, easily. I offer people so much, and just simple advice never comes to me, and that's all i ever want.. advice, and comfort.

i want to better myself, but i need critque.

my flaw is that i can't stand purposely being in the center of attention. the "HEY LOOK AT ME" mentality, is not for me.

i'm in the background, and that's what's causing me to be the way that i am, i think. well it's a hunch that i have.

i dion't think that i have ever thought about death in this amount of seriuosness and excessiveness ever. the latter half of 2008 was spent doing just that.

especialyl when i'm driving, i just think "if only that car could hit me". I'm too much of a wuss for suicide.
I know people care for me, I know. but i feel as if I'm just a second thought. i'm second choice, and that's being my fear for center of attention.

I truly put people ahead of myself, all the time.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

this holiday has been everything but conventional. werrrrrrd.

so far my new years sucked, probably cause' i didn't get to see jesse, and pent most of it playing mom, and looked after people and cleaned up after people.

no one asked me to do it, i just did it. i was pretty much sober the whole night and ended up home.

i didn't go to bed until6am, and woke up at 11am.

i drank 2 energy drinks, and smoked the rest of the my weed. so i burnt out early and sobered up early, which sucked.

oh the holidays.

i also spent the majority of it consoling people.. including jesse.

which i dind't mind, i like consoling people.

but i'm just saying that overall i could have been better.
there was sshitty music, and people just wanted to make out with each other.. yeah.