my last two dreams ave been polar opposites. as with my days, as well.

the firs of the two dreams was of Jesse and i, as wit the second.

we were jus chilling, and being cuddly, and it was just warm hearted, and wholesome. It made me feel pretty positive as to where things were headed for us.
(side note: I have completly forgotten the dream, but i remember it being of that nature)

my second dream, was the one i had last night/today. I dreamt that we were going to a party, and i was picking him up with Kayla, but he brought Annabel from Montreal and he was just making out with her the whole time, and was jut going out of his way just to be with her. It made me feel so lonely, and it just felt like one big slap in the face.

this is defniely my insecurities creeping out into a dream, fo sho.

maybe I really do like him, maybe i don't. I'm stuck and alone. My fear is, is that i'll be alone for the rest of my life. For some reason, I can't help but feel like i need to change, but in reality.. just need to let myself go.

why am i so selfless? why do I care sooooo much? why can't i let go of my inhabitions.

i feel as if I'm failure at it's finest. not even it's finest, but yeah.

i'm sick of always feeling so low abot myself, I'm sick of needing so much reasurance in my life- I'm sick of having no confidence.

I know that i need to love myself before loving anything else, but how can i love myself when I don't feel like others find me appealing.

i hate vicious cycles. I wish life was easy, I wis life was understandable.

how can such a simple concept be so unattainable - happiness.

how can one girl be so unappealing, what is wrong with me? why can't there just be some easy solution? why is there not a hand guide? hah.

I just want to sit down with a guy, and be like "what is wrong with me? why am I so unappeling"

but i'm too chicken shit to do such a thing. I don't have balls. I act tough, but I'm not. I'm a weak fuck, that's all.

Why is it so hard to find someone to hold, to cherish, and to cherish you?

why do i have to work so hard for things, when it seems like things just get handed to people around me.

but then again we're talking about me. Queen of good luck with bad luck.


my goodluck with bad in relativity to guys is that I can make plenty of guy friends, but the bad luck par is that that's what we just are: friends.

i hate this feeling of unwanted-ness.

unwanted, that's all i am... when talking about likability.

I'm boring, fat, and very much insecure. and I want a guy that will like me for who I am, but that's just wishful thinking.


not guy wants those qualities in a girl. I have no personality, I have nothing to offer, but my loyalty. I'm unoriginal, and I'm tasteless.

in addition, I'm restless. I'm hopeless. I'm a lost cause. I'm just there, just there to be your friend. I have no second agenda, other then the fact that I may want to fuck you.

I don't have an approach, because I don't know how to do it.

I overthink too much, which causes me to lose befoe I begin, which is all in all, pathetic.

I lack motivation, because i feel as if, in repetition of myself, unwanted/undesirable. I fear they're going to say no, and say the things that I know already about myself.

that I'm fat, that I'm boring, that I'm insecure. I've tried to like myself, but it's hard when you feel like people don't feel the same about you. it's hard going through life thinking the way that I do, it's most certainly unbearable. extremely unbearable at times.

yeah, i'm silly for being so dramatic, but it's how i am, and it's how i think. I can't change it, that's the only thing that unchanging about me: my negativity, my pessismism.

When i say that I'm done with crying about these things, i mean it. I really am done with crying about the same old shit. but for some reason i've become so habituated with this negativity that it's overall stumping my growth as a person. it's stumping my potential.

i'm the poster child for potential. it's all i have: potential.


to say the least, this has been a pretty bad start to my year, but then on the brighter side... it can only go up from here, right?

my fear is taht i'll be called out on an act that isn't myself - being baited out.

all i ask for is a companion. a best friend, someone to hold me. somene who has the same sleep patterns as me. someone who i can just be totally comfortable with, someone who i can just share my thoughts with, smeone who will not judge. someone who will understand me.

my problem is that i have shields, and i can't let people in my life, easily. I offer people so much, and just simple advice never comes to me, and that's all i ever want.. advice, and comfort.

i want to better myself, but i need critque.

my flaw is that i can't stand purposely being in the center of attention. the "HEY LOOK AT ME" mentality, is not for me.

i'm in the background, and that's what's causing me to be the way that i am, i think. well it's a hunch that i have.

i dion't think that i have ever thought about death in this amount of seriuosness and excessiveness ever. the latter half of 2008 was spent doing just that.

especialyl when i'm driving, i just think "if only that car could hit me". I'm too much of a wuss for suicide.
I know people care for me, I know. but i feel as if I'm just a second thought. i'm second choice, and that's being my fear for center of attention.

I truly put people ahead of myself, all the time.