so jesse called me at 3:49 this morning.

it's so nice to feel wanted, but it's not the kind of want that I need. :(

He called me cause' he felt like scum, cause' he fucked the girl that lives downstairs. It's not even the fact that she lives downstairs.. it's that she lives downstairs with her boyfriend whom she has a kid with.

he had to go to this dinner party thing that he got invited to, and he was going to bring Alex with him, but Alex bailed last minute.. and so Jesse decided to go downstairs to ask the couple there if one of them watned to, as a repayment for them cooking him dinner.

Charles suggested that Michelle probably wants to go more cause' she's been needing a break from home.

So Jesse took michelle, and apparently she kept hitting on him, and kept trying to jook up with him. But he said no, and that it's wrong and what not.. but then eventually he's like "how about i just drink enough so that i wouldn't think abut it"

afterwards,they went back to jesse's room and they fucked.

and now he feels like scum. He was pretty drunk when he called me.

he kept trying to get me to go blaze him, but i kept saying "it's 4 o'clock in the morning, and i look like shit"

he's like "so"

I wish i wasn't just the friend. I wish i was something more.

i wish I had the balls to call him up to jus talk. To confide in him, but i can' do it. I can't open myself up like that... i can if he asks maybe.. no.. i don't think i could. I can't even talk about it with Phoebe and them.. i just feel pathetic. I really do, and i wish i didn't but i do. fuck.

I can't talk about how lonely i am. but i am, and it's the most reoccuring set-back that I face. loneliness. fuck.

I justwant to know why I can't get a guy.. but i know why and that's the problem.. i thin. it's cause' i can't let myself be girly, i can't let myslf be flirty, I just can't let myself be vulnerable.

I'm scared of getting rejected. I'm THAT scared. I'm scared of getting judged. I'm scared of getting luaghed at. I'm scared that they're going to feel sorry for me.

fuck.