definitelly got a mad rush of home sickness last night.

i've just been so sad altely, and i don't even know why.

I just want to cry all the time. I just want to be sad. Why do I need to keep up this so-xcalled "bubbly" image? Why? It's cause people get adjusted to the person that you are.

people always have this image of you to hold onto. But I can't smile. I can't be geniunely happy. Why can't I just be happy?

Am I always going to be alone? I just can't help but think that I'm always just going to be a friend. I'm always just going ot be there and help people.

I'm nothing more than an aid.

I'm helpless, but I'm always helping. seems to be the world that rules me.

I just can't help but care. geniunely care about everyone. I can't stand people being sad. I love to help.

I think i need to be shaken. I feel as though i've grown as much as i need to grow. but not at the same time.

I can't help but to be stepped on all the time. I don't know why other people's happiness is so important to me, so important that I end up compromising my own at times.

well guess what... I'm sick yet again. Life is lloking up as per ususal. as of course, i'm being sarcastic.


we are still looking for an apartment.

so we're in Halifax now.

don't really know what i really think about it. we havn't really had time to take our time to enjoy it and relax. we've been trying to find an apartment and just the stress from it has stunted my enjoyment of this town.

I'm scared. I'm scared that this isn't going to work out. I'm scared that this place is going to ruin mine and justin's friendship.

I'm just getting this really bad feeling about it, and i don't realyl know what to think about it all, because I'm just scared.

i don't know if i'm being paranoid, or if it's just instincts kicking in.

I'm getting bad vibes from him, and i don't like it one bit.


I don't like it at all. I think that he's being sneaky, and fuck that shit.

fuck getting used. fucking having nothing left.


maybe it's just the weather talking but I don't really know. I'm scared,.

I'ms cared that I'm not going to make rent, I'm scared that i'm going to be poor.

I'm just scared about everything. this is THE most spontaneous thing that i've ever done. literally. THE most spontaneous thing.


boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo to these feelings.

fuck this feeling. I'm getting that whole boo i'm going to be alone for the rest of myt life feelings again. THOSE thoughts, again.

you know what that means, PERIOD, haha.

fuck. my. life.

I just don't really kjnow how I feel about justin. I don't nkow if he's going to flake on me or not. cause' i'm getting these 2nd agenda vibes from him, and fuck second aganedas, they're bullshit.

if you have other things in mind, don't drag me into and leave me after. cause' FUCK THAT SHIT.

i'll break you. seriuosly. don't fuck with me. i'll drop you in a heartbeat. and i'll make people regret loosing me. seriuosly.

i don't get mad, i get even. it's how i work and it's how i will always work.

people need to know how they are affecting other people to understand the feeling. to understand that it's fucked up to do stupid shit like that to other people. it's fucked up to even have the mindset of using someone to get somewhere, then when you're all settled you drop'em. you fucking leave them. fuck that shit.

seriusly. why bother. fuck selfish people. fuck second agendas.

i'm always better at judging characters when it comes to people that arnt affecting me.

i'm always better judging characters when it's from afar.

but seriusly, i do feel as if theres no good guys out there.

there's no guys that'll ever want me. Like, there's this guy that follows girls home and then sneaks into their house to watch them sleep at night.

and for some reason, i just don't care cause' no guy likes me enough to do that. I just don't give off that vibe. I don't. Guys don't want me, it's how its always been, and it's how it will always be.

I swear i will die alone. I rahter die alone, then die unhappy. but there's definitely a fine line between the two.

I just want to be comfortable, and I just want to be loved. cause' i've spent my whole life working hard, and getting really nothing.

I have nothign to show for it all. I have nothing to show for anything, seriusly.

look at the person that I am right now. Wht have I achieved? moving across the country, that's it. I don't even have a place to live, no job, no ride.

I'm fucked, and I'm just a cling-on. I swear. I just live vicariously through other people.


I'm defensive because I've been picked on my whole life. I'm defensive because I'm scared to let people know me. for some damn reason.

People dont help me, i help people. I'm a solo fighter. I've been by myself for this long. I'm tired though. I'm restless, and I honestly have nothing else to give. I'm done. I'm in a transition phase. and hopefully it'll be for the better, not for the worst.


I need to grow up, cause' I'm kind of stupid right now. like reallllllly stupid. I've lost my reasonable jessica self. I've lost my think first then speak mentality.

at least, i'm having fun?

I know that i can't live my life in a box all the time, i know that I just can't be proper all the time. and that's there's nothing wrong with acting my age. but why do I feel like i always have this image to live up to. why do i feel like i need to be somehting more everytime?

it's cause' i don't like being an open book. i realoly don't. but i am readable. that's for sure.

all i want to be in happy. i want to be with like minded people, and people that wont put me on edge all the time. and people that wont test my strength most days.


i just need one big self evaluation.