Belief is a subjective personal basis for individual behavior, while truth is an objective state independent of the individual. - sociology

One must drop all sense of ego in order to fulfill their ultimate destiny - de (of tao)

"In the state of p'u, there is no right or wrong, beautiful or ugly. There is only pure experience, or awareness, free from learned labels and definitions. It is this state of being that is the goal of following wu wei."


"in Taoism. The Three Jewels are compassion, moderation and humility"

I think i"m so sad all thetime, is that its the only thing that I feel comfortale being real about.

it's the only thing that I sort of loved. It's the only thingthat comes natural to me.


but i don't wantto be sad anymore. i don't want to feel like i'm useless.

I'm starting to think again, which is fantastic.

I love thinking. Thinking is good for the soul. I love self realization, small ephiphonies, what ever you want to call it - I. Love. It.

It opens your mind, and it helps is mature. It helps you understand you. I miss my self-time. I miss getting lost in my thoughts. I miss writing.

I miss being somewhat creative, and smart. Lately, I just feel incredibly stupid. Like a flat-out idiot. I talk too much, and don't put much thought into what I say. At some point this summer my brain just shut off. And out comes reckless Jessica.

I just stopped caring. I got too caught up with enjoying life, that I was reasonable anymore. I want to be mature, and responsible AND enjoy life the way that I do.


I want to have a say, I don't want to be a pushover anymore. But out of habit, I just am one. I'm scared to speak my mind, because I'm scared of people ridiculing me. I want to stick up for myself, I want to stick up for other people. I don't want to be this snob that I have become.

I miss my old mentality. Somehow in the course of the last 6 months, I've derailed and it's definitely time for me to get back on track. I want to have more focus. I want more growth. I want maturity. I want to be real. I feel like such a kid these days, that it's unreal. I havn't felt like this in a lonnnnnnnnnng time.

I miss having good judgement. I miss taking a step back and thinking things through first. Now-a-days I just do what I want, whenever I want.

I need to start thinking about my finances, and need to worry about paying bills and what not, not about drugs, or materialistic wants.

more and more everyday, i realize that i am my mother.

th eproblem with me, is that I have all skills to do whatever I want. but I just don't know how to use them properly.

The problem with me, is that I work my ass off doing whatever I do, and when I finish.. I'm lost.

I don`t know what I want, and that is the main problem with me.

I had a dream the other day.

that justin just up and left. I was calling out to him to stay, but he just left.

I think that's just my insecurities speaking to me.

and the one I had right before that was of shaylene dowden.

I dreamt that I was reunited with some people from high school at a dinner, or something.

and all of sudden I just ask "I havn't seen shaylene around these days, What have she been up to?"

then someone gets up and slams there hand on the table, and says angrily "She's dead. She died four months ago"

me, stunned "what?!?!?!?!?!? what happened?"

"someone shot her, and they still don't know who"


that dream was because a girl that clarke knows had just jumped off an apartment building two days prior.

i find myself sad and pathetic, with no life.

im lonely, and i have been lonely for about 20 years now. that is sad.

i have no one but myself to solve all of my problems. what the fuck is the matter with me?

what the fuck is my problem? am i repulsive? then why do i find myself repelling people to love me?

I've never had anyone come and jsut take care of me, and love me the way that i want to be loved.

I want to be comforted. but yet, time and time again i find myself comforting myself.

I'm ashamed to let people know. I'm embarassed.

I'm just one big embarassment. I'm just one big joke. I just can't help but feel emebarassed about myself.

I have ALWAYS been an embarassment, as a person, and to my family. and my friends.

There's something wrong with me. I just want someone to love me, is that so hard?

Everything else I can provide for myself, except for this.. someone else's love.

That's all I need. at least it's the only thing left for me to experience. But yet, somehow.. I'm just pathetic. People don't want me like that.

I'm always just the girl to hear out everyone else's problems. I'm just the girl that's always just there. I"m jsut the girl that doesn't have anyone to call her own.

I'm a loser. I'm a loner. I'm a failure. There's nothing about it.

I have become one of the biggest failures I know. I'm sad and pathetic.

I have fucked up my whatever I had going for me, all because of distractions. all because I just want to be accepted, and to feel like I belong somewhere.

I fucked up for drugs. I fucked up for stupid shit. Sometimes I hate what I've become. I had so much gooing for me... I guess I still do.

I hate the way that I am. I hate the way that I talk. I hate how stupid I have become. Like literally stupid. I'm just flat out stupid these days. I have lost my sensibility.

I have lost my reasonable self. all for nothing. I let things get in the way all the time, and i can't stop it.

I don't like myself. I hate how I cut people off when I talk to them. I hate how I don't really listen, or care. I hate how I forget things all the time. My short term memory has gone to SHITTTTTTS.


I think I'm just terminally depressed.

I don't know what to do with myself.

This may be the stupidest thing you've heard, but I honestly cannot see myself living my life fully. Like to the end. I just can't really think of myself living that far.

I wouldn't want to if I'm dying alone. Jessica Leung have always been alone and will always be alone.

I just can't help but feel so inadequate. I can fake a lot of things, but I can't fake the way I feel.

Who the fuck am I? and what the fuck do I have going for me? ... nothing.

I hate the fact that only since I've lost a bit of weight that guys have been checking me out.

I hate that. fuck guys for that shit. fuck you.

Why am I so angry all the time? Why am I so sad all the time?

I just want to be happy and loved. Loved in the way that's not just friends.

WHy wont anyone love me? Why? I can't help but think it's me. I can't help but to have no self-esteem. I can't help but to have no self-confidence.

Sometimes I just don't want to do this anymore. I just want out. I hate this shit. I hate feeling this way. I hate crying for stupid shit like this. I hate being such a loser.


I feel like a kid. I feel like I"m so immature. I feel so young. I feel so demeaned. Quite frankly, I feel like an idiot.

I feel so fucking alone.

I'm definitely pathetic when it comes to guys. like... really pathetic.

I don't know what to say, how to act. I jsut make a fool of myself, as always.

I just want to go.


It's true, I don't stick up for myself. I let people step all over me. and milk me for what I'm worth. I can't help it. it's jsut who i am. pathetic.

I want this feeling gone. I just want to be fucked up on drugs all the fucking time.

I don't want to be alone anymore.

am i seriously goingto be alone as long as i think i'm going to be alone for?

cause' it sure as hell feels like it.

buuuut it does feel good these days seeing guys check me out. annnd knowing that guys are asking about me. It's flattering.

even though i know that they're staring at me like a piece of meat. I know that all they want to do is use me.

but that's kind of okay, cause' i'm not really looking for anything longterm, any guy would run after knowig me for too long. I tend to get kind of crazy.

uut i don't wantto give off that persona that i'm a hussy like that. I just want to have fun, and be safe while at it.