thizzed on friday
went to hali greek fest, in purcell cove.
"grind on me, wind on me, then turn around and put your behind on me. "
justin did half a cap, and i did a full. we dancedd.
went to the dirty dome again last saturday, for like an hour.
was at joce's before that. that was fun, except i don't do drinking games, and that's all that it was really.. except for we danced for like the last 1 or 2 hours?
we were bumping and grinding, and apparently people kept looking at us, and saying "it's like they're having sex on the dance floor"
hahahahah
i know how to move, fuck'ya'll.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
dear whoever is going to spend the time to read this,
my name is jessica, and I am nothing but a no one. Everyone deserves a girl better than me. I carry too much baggage, and am nothing but a mimic of everyone else. I have no originality, and I am too scared to face life.
I live my life for everyone else, and not for myself. I get myself involved with everyone else's life just so i don't need to deal with mine. I feel like I have reached my end, and I am very lost. I am not happy with the girl that I have turned out to be. I am nothing but an arrogant failure. I see no hope in challenges but rather as a dead end. I give up too easily, and I have no motivation to change.
I am nothing but a loathing sloth. I seemed to have lost all appreciation for society, and mostly myself, but hey.. i never had the appreciation to lose for myself to start with.
i've been stuck in this rut for the last 7 years of my life where I just want to kill myself. I am ugly, and I am fat. I have a downy personality, and I seem to have no sense of intelligence left in me. Trust me, I'm far from a prize possession. I have a lot of issues to deal with, and I just don't know where to start, and I just don't know if I"m ready to let go of them. I feel as though it gives me the cahracter that I need. It gives me something to talk about. Cause' I'm far too stupid to follow up on anything around the world. It has gottent to the extent where ti feels like an addiction now. Where i just walk down the street, and think of different scenarios of how I'm going to do it. Maybe it's a cry for help, or maybe it's going to be my demise, I just don't know yet. I've been fighting this for too long.
I have been alone for the majority of my life, and I am still a virgin. This is as raw I'll ever be.. so bare with me.
My family has tried to give me and my brother the best life that they could give us, and I have done nothing but basicaly spit in their face, and fucking pour salt in their open wounds.
I feel if they had just given me up, their lives would just be soooo much better. I feel as if I'm the problem to every problem that involves me.
For the last year, my brain has shut off, and I am no longer the girl that everyone has grown up with. I've gone AWOL. I'm a fucking pyscho bitch, who just don't want to give a fuck anymore. I am no longer happy... though something just tells me that I was never happy to start with.
My parents showed us love with showering us with gifts, when all I wanted was words of wisdom. I don't want things, I want advice. I want to be able to share myself with people without having them look at me like I"m seriuosly going to slit my wrists right infront of their face.
Don't FUCKING ACCUSE ME OF ANYTHING.
I know my parents meant well. They just had too high of expectations for us. I don't want to end up like them.. but I feel like I am already them.
My brother, my god do I love my brother. He was the only reason that kept me alive for so long. I love my brother to death, and I'll do anything for him. But i know i've failed him. I'm fucking shallow, and I need to stop burning my bridges, espeically when it comes to people that i truly care about.
This past year has changed everything about me. I actually believed that my life was going to begin. I believed that for once i was going to open myself up to someone else. I know love when it's around and it's love, baby. Life was just so much better when He didn't tell me that he loves me. He just can't help but still be a bachelor. He doesn't want to commit, but who am i to blame. I'm scared as fuck when it comes to thinking about committment. I believed that someone loved me.
What have I become? Why am I driving myself crazy with all these thoughts? Why can't I just be? It's because I just don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to do anything if I have to do it alone.
I have nothing to live for, and I feel like I have nothing else to give. I don't want to die alone, but I believe that I am going to die alone. I am, in no doubt, a sorry excuse for a human being - I am a waste of space. I'm not good at anything, and my only purpose in life is to be the best of a friend that I can be to people.
love and be loved, right? but apparently it's only been one-sided.
I have no love for myself, and that's where my problem lies.
I have tried and tried to distract myself from this, but it just wont dissipate. It just wont go away. I can't seem to let myself go. I keep holding myself back from doing and saying things that I want to. I'm scared that people will leave me; will reject me; will hurt me.
I just want to be loved. Apparently that task no one can fulfill. Apparently I'm not loveable. I don't blame anyone though. These days, I honestly don't even deserve. I'm a fuck up, and I keep up to my name.
like i said, i am nothing. i am worth nothing. i am good at nothing. therefore, i deserve nohting, right?
I'm fucking pathetic.
What am I going to do about this, i have no idea. I have tried and tried, and i fail. Though mainly, i think i set myself up for it. I think that that's the only thing in life that I'm good at: failing. I'm superb at it. If they had an award, I'd win, for sure.
they say, if clouds are formed from one man's hands then this is all going according to plan. then what is my plan? where do I stand in this contrived life? or have i swayed off of it? i believe that i have lost sight. i have lost sight in all directions.
i only know how to help other people, i don't know how to help myself when it comes to myself, i'm very reluctant to listen to my own advices. it's easier said then done. i'm jst a lazy ass mawfucka.
I'd like to make up excuses as to why i'm like this, like it all started after my car accident, or when my grandma almost died on me, or when i moved, or when i started camosun... blah bla blah.
it alll has a little to do with it, but really it's all on me on how i deal with it. I have become habituated in not dealing with things. I have learnt to just let things go, and deal with it later. I learnt to repress everything, and anything.
I have learnt to just not care anymore, and it's fucking me up. It seems as though everything is either black or white with me, even though majority of the time i don't even realize it. I need to find my median, and my medium. I need to find my grey.
My problem is, is that I put all my efforts into something when I do things.. so when I'm done, I feel like i'm done.. but when i need to put more effort to become that one step beyond mediocre, i lose all faith in myself. I quit. I fail. I lose.
I don't know how to challenge myself. I don't know how to look at things and say "and how would i be able to fix that?"
I need to believe in myself, I need to believe that I am a person of worth, but for some damn reason I just can't.
I never believe that I am good enough, because I believe that I am not. I honestly don't think that I am anything better than mediocre.
I am lazy. I don't like to put that extra time into anything, because I feel as though nothing will come out of it. But look at me now, I never will become anything.
But in alllll honesty, I don't even see myself being around for much longer. I have no respect for myself. I let myself live like a pig. I dress like a pig half the time.
I don't liek to admit my faults. I can't stand up to myself, I can't stand up to anyone. I don't even know my own strengths anymore. People like to think that I'm this great unstoppable girl that can do just about anything that I set my mind on, but i just think that they are crazy. I can't live like everyone thinks that i can.
though i can, but I guess ultimately i just don't want to.
I want to be happy first, then achieve.
no effort = no success.
but no happiness = no effort.
I need to learn how to be organized. I need to learn how to be responsible, I need to learn how to just suck things up again. I need to learn how to just deal with things for the time being, instead of expecting this amazing outcome.
but if i feel as though i'm not going to be getting what i want, i'm going to be a princess and give you the same amount as you're going to give me, and that usually means not much.
i fear that people have high potentials for me, and i fear that i'll never be able to meet them, so i just give up.
i know i'm ranting on about the same things over and over and over and over and over again, but i've kept it in me for far too long, and i don't want to bore anyone.
when it's written, there's a choice. to read it or to not.
I want to better myself, but it feels like there's no point. there's no point in doing anything that i am doing.
i've failed as a daughter, and i've failed as a sister. those are the greatest failures so far.
there's nothing worst then disappointing my family. but thing is i never felt like it was a family. we were just mutual people living in the same household. we were just there to live, and not be a whole.
there's no unity, no compassion, no sense of knowing each other. we dont' know each other. yeah i love my brother, and my mom. and that's about it.
i am lost. and i am getting desperate, almost.
... "...i want to be a bilionaire, so fucking bad"....
my name is jessica, and I am nothing but a no one. Everyone deserves a girl better than me. I carry too much baggage, and am nothing but a mimic of everyone else. I have no originality, and I am too scared to face life.
I live my life for everyone else, and not for myself. I get myself involved with everyone else's life just so i don't need to deal with mine. I feel like I have reached my end, and I am very lost. I am not happy with the girl that I have turned out to be. I am nothing but an arrogant failure. I see no hope in challenges but rather as a dead end. I give up too easily, and I have no motivation to change.
I am nothing but a loathing sloth. I seemed to have lost all appreciation for society, and mostly myself, but hey.. i never had the appreciation to lose for myself to start with.
i've been stuck in this rut for the last 7 years of my life where I just want to kill myself. I am ugly, and I am fat. I have a downy personality, and I seem to have no sense of intelligence left in me. Trust me, I'm far from a prize possession. I have a lot of issues to deal with, and I just don't know where to start, and I just don't know if I"m ready to let go of them. I feel as though it gives me the cahracter that I need. It gives me something to talk about. Cause' I'm far too stupid to follow up on anything around the world. It has gottent to the extent where ti feels like an addiction now. Where i just walk down the street, and think of different scenarios of how I'm going to do it. Maybe it's a cry for help, or maybe it's going to be my demise, I just don't know yet. I've been fighting this for too long.
I have been alone for the majority of my life, and I am still a virgin. This is as raw I'll ever be.. so bare with me.
My family has tried to give me and my brother the best life that they could give us, and I have done nothing but basicaly spit in their face, and fucking pour salt in their open wounds.
I feel if they had just given me up, their lives would just be soooo much better. I feel as if I'm the problem to every problem that involves me.
For the last year, my brain has shut off, and I am no longer the girl that everyone has grown up with. I've gone AWOL. I'm a fucking pyscho bitch, who just don't want to give a fuck anymore. I am no longer happy... though something just tells me that I was never happy to start with.
My parents showed us love with showering us with gifts, when all I wanted was words of wisdom. I don't want things, I want advice. I want to be able to share myself with people without having them look at me like I"m seriuosly going to slit my wrists right infront of their face.
Don't FUCKING ACCUSE ME OF ANYTHING.
I know my parents meant well. They just had too high of expectations for us. I don't want to end up like them.. but I feel like I am already them.
My brother, my god do I love my brother. He was the only reason that kept me alive for so long. I love my brother to death, and I'll do anything for him. But i know i've failed him. I'm fucking shallow, and I need to stop burning my bridges, espeically when it comes to people that i truly care about.
This past year has changed everything about me. I actually believed that my life was going to begin. I believed that for once i was going to open myself up to someone else. I know love when it's around and it's love, baby. Life was just so much better when He didn't tell me that he loves me. He just can't help but still be a bachelor. He doesn't want to commit, but who am i to blame. I'm scared as fuck when it comes to thinking about committment. I believed that someone loved me.
What have I become? Why am I driving myself crazy with all these thoughts? Why can't I just be? It's because I just don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to do anything if I have to do it alone.
I have nothing to live for, and I feel like I have nothing else to give. I don't want to die alone, but I believe that I am going to die alone. I am, in no doubt, a sorry excuse for a human being - I am a waste of space. I'm not good at anything, and my only purpose in life is to be the best of a friend that I can be to people.
love and be loved, right? but apparently it's only been one-sided.
I have no love for myself, and that's where my problem lies.
I have tried and tried to distract myself from this, but it just wont dissipate. It just wont go away. I can't seem to let myself go. I keep holding myself back from doing and saying things that I want to. I'm scared that people will leave me; will reject me; will hurt me.
I just want to be loved. Apparently that task no one can fulfill. Apparently I'm not loveable. I don't blame anyone though. These days, I honestly don't even deserve. I'm a fuck up, and I keep up to my name.
like i said, i am nothing. i am worth nothing. i am good at nothing. therefore, i deserve nohting, right?
I'm fucking pathetic.
What am I going to do about this, i have no idea. I have tried and tried, and i fail. Though mainly, i think i set myself up for it. I think that that's the only thing in life that I'm good at: failing. I'm superb at it. If they had an award, I'd win, for sure.
they say, if clouds are formed from one man's hands then this is all going according to plan. then what is my plan? where do I stand in this contrived life? or have i swayed off of it? i believe that i have lost sight. i have lost sight in all directions.
i only know how to help other people, i don't know how to help myself when it comes to myself, i'm very reluctant to listen to my own advices. it's easier said then done. i'm jst a lazy ass mawfucka.
I'd like to make up excuses as to why i'm like this, like it all started after my car accident, or when my grandma almost died on me, or when i moved, or when i started camosun... blah bla blah.
it alll has a little to do with it, but really it's all on me on how i deal with it. I have become habituated in not dealing with things. I have learnt to just let things go, and deal with it later. I learnt to repress everything, and anything.
I have learnt to just not care anymore, and it's fucking me up. It seems as though everything is either black or white with me, even though majority of the time i don't even realize it. I need to find my median, and my medium. I need to find my grey.
My problem is, is that I put all my efforts into something when I do things.. so when I'm done, I feel like i'm done.. but when i need to put more effort to become that one step beyond mediocre, i lose all faith in myself. I quit. I fail. I lose.
I don't know how to challenge myself. I don't know how to look at things and say "and how would i be able to fix that?"
I need to believe in myself, I need to believe that I am a person of worth, but for some damn reason I just can't.
I never believe that I am good enough, because I believe that I am not. I honestly don't think that I am anything better than mediocre.
I am lazy. I don't like to put that extra time into anything, because I feel as though nothing will come out of it. But look at me now, I never will become anything.
But in alllll honesty, I don't even see myself being around for much longer. I have no respect for myself. I let myself live like a pig. I dress like a pig half the time.
I don't liek to admit my faults. I can't stand up to myself, I can't stand up to anyone. I don't even know my own strengths anymore. People like to think that I'm this great unstoppable girl that can do just about anything that I set my mind on, but i just think that they are crazy. I can't live like everyone thinks that i can.
though i can, but I guess ultimately i just don't want to.
I want to be happy first, then achieve.
no effort = no success.
but no happiness = no effort.
I need to learn how to be organized. I need to learn how to be responsible, I need to learn how to just suck things up again. I need to learn how to just deal with things for the time being, instead of expecting this amazing outcome.
but if i feel as though i'm not going to be getting what i want, i'm going to be a princess and give you the same amount as you're going to give me, and that usually means not much.
i fear that people have high potentials for me, and i fear that i'll never be able to meet them, so i just give up.
i know i'm ranting on about the same things over and over and over and over and over again, but i've kept it in me for far too long, and i don't want to bore anyone.
when it's written, there's a choice. to read it or to not.
I want to better myself, but it feels like there's no point. there's no point in doing anything that i am doing.
i've failed as a daughter, and i've failed as a sister. those are the greatest failures so far.
there's nothing worst then disappointing my family. but thing is i never felt like it was a family. we were just mutual people living in the same household. we were just there to live, and not be a whole.
there's no unity, no compassion, no sense of knowing each other. we dont' know each other. yeah i love my brother, and my mom. and that's about it.
i am lost. and i am getting desperate, almost.
... "...i want to be a bilionaire, so fucking bad"....
i don't want to live the same life as my mom.
i don't want to fall for the first guy i meet. i don't want to settle just yet, but i don't want to let go.
i don't want to be content, i want to be happy.
he has shown me the world, and he has given me meaning. he's given me hope.
i love the way he smiles, i love his arms.
i love how smart he is, how honest he is.
but i know i deserve better than him. he always has a second agenda. he cares about nobody but himself. he has no remorse.
i don't want to fall for the first guy i meet. i don't want to settle just yet, but i don't want to let go.
i don't want to be content, i want to be happy.
he has shown me the world, and he has given me meaning. he's given me hope.
i love the way he smiles, i love his arms.
i love how smart he is, how honest he is.
but i know i deserve better than him. he always has a second agenda. he cares about nobody but himself. he has no remorse.
Sunday, May 02, 2010
why wont he let himself love me?
we drank on friday with melanie and cory.
melanie wanted pizza... so, they decided to order it from our apartment.
anyways, we jammed to some tunes, and justin puts on "I'll be" by edwin mcain.
we sang it to each other, and he said "wow.. this is momentous" haha
we looked into each others eyes and just sang it, like as if no one else was in the room.
i was sitting on the couch, and he kneeled down and reached out his hands, and we just looked into each other's eyes and sanng.
at the end of it, he asked for a kiss, and i kissed him.
then he stood up, bend back down and asked for another..
then he held my chin, and just kept kissing me. then would kneel back down, look me in my eyes, and leaned back over and kissed me again.
then moved back, and said sorry...
i loooked at him like "what?"
then he stood up, and put one leg on one side of my legs, and then other on the other side of my legs
then pulled my chin and kissed me, then he knelt back down, and said sorry..
i asked "sorry about what?" he gave me this look like i should know, i did.. but i just wanted him to say it.. it's cause he doesn't want to love right now. it's cause he just doesn't want to be tied down, he's not ready. He knows i mean serious, and i would be serious and nothing less.
he then spits out "i love you"
leans back over and kisses me, then kneels back down, we stare at each other, says sorry again..
then says,
.... "you're beautiful"
then leans back over and kisses me.
we stared for a bit, and he rubbed my hand.
then we just stopped at that.
we drank on friday with melanie and cory.
melanie wanted pizza... so, they decided to order it from our apartment.
anyways, we jammed to some tunes, and justin puts on "I'll be" by edwin mcain.
we sang it to each other, and he said "wow.. this is momentous" haha
we looked into each others eyes and just sang it, like as if no one else was in the room.
i was sitting on the couch, and he kneeled down and reached out his hands, and we just looked into each other's eyes and sanng.
at the end of it, he asked for a kiss, and i kissed him.
then he stood up, bend back down and asked for another..
then he held my chin, and just kept kissing me. then would kneel back down, look me in my eyes, and leaned back over and kissed me again.
then moved back, and said sorry...
i loooked at him like "what?"
then he stood up, and put one leg on one side of my legs, and then other on the other side of my legs
then pulled my chin and kissed me, then he knelt back down, and said sorry..
i asked "sorry about what?" he gave me this look like i should know, i did.. but i just wanted him to say it.. it's cause he doesn't want to love right now. it's cause he just doesn't want to be tied down, he's not ready. He knows i mean serious, and i would be serious and nothing less.
he then spits out "i love you"
leans back over and kisses me, then kneels back down, we stare at each other, says sorry again..
then says,
.... "you're beautiful"
then leans back over and kisses me.
we stared for a bit, and he rubbed my hand.
then we just stopped at that.
Monday, April 19, 2010
so we went camping with our downstairs neighbors, annd...
we all got trashed, and what not.
this is what happened.. justin was like
"i'm sorry but you're so hot, i know i have impacted your life"
and eh was talkin to melanie
"i have impacted her life, if you met her a year ago, she was so different, she was so self-consciuos and shy... i feel like i have made me feel like she has worth, and brought her out of her shell.." ... "jessica is the first asian girl to have turn me on, she's fucking fine"
then to me "you don't know how hot you are"
"it's just so sad to see someone beat themself up, and not realize that they're better than they think they are"
or at least something along the lines of that...
it's like... i know he loves me, and likes me.. but why isn't he doing anything?! :(
we all got trashed, and what not.
this is what happened.. justin was like
"i'm sorry but you're so hot, i know i have impacted your life"
and eh was talkin to melanie
"i have impacted her life, if you met her a year ago, she was so different, she was so self-consciuos and shy... i feel like i have made me feel like she has worth, and brought her out of her shell.." ... "jessica is the first asian girl to have turn me on, she's fucking fine"
then to me "you don't know how hot you are"
"it's just so sad to see someone beat themself up, and not realize that they're better than they think they are"
or at least something along the lines of that...
it's like... i know he loves me, and likes me.. but why isn't he doing anything?! :(
my goals for myself:
grow some balls to talk to justin by my birthday
finish cosmetology school with excellent grades, with at most a week missed school.
get a car by june
lose at least 20 more pounds (135 ~ 145lbs)
get my boobs back!!!! :(
be a size 7/8
excerise more! /get a gym pass?
go hiking
tone out my body (no more flabby thighs, stomach and arms)
lose my face fat
be happy!
stop second-guessing myself
gain my patience back and my niceness/change my attitude
stop smoking so much weed and cigarettes (at most a quarter a week, and 2 packs a week)
stop calling in sick to work, just work. or call parents to help out with rent.
grow up, stop being a self-indulgent baby.
pay off my credit cards by summer (june/july)
have my front layers touch the bottom of my boos, (between my belly button and boobs)
keep my motivation up
have a better outlook for life, believe that i am someone, and someone of worth at that.
grow some balls to talk to justin by my birthday
finish cosmetology school with excellent grades, with at most a week missed school.
get a car by june
lose at least 20 more pounds (135 ~ 145lbs)
get my boobs back!!!! :(
be a size 7/8
excerise more! /get a gym pass?
go hiking
tone out my body (no more flabby thighs, stomach and arms)
lose my face fat
be happy!
stop second-guessing myself
gain my patience back and my niceness/change my attitude
stop smoking so much weed and cigarettes (at most a quarter a week, and 2 packs a week)
stop calling in sick to work, just work. or call parents to help out with rent.
grow up, stop being a self-indulgent baby.
pay off my credit cards by summer (june/july)
have my front layers touch the bottom of my boos, (between my belly button and boobs)
keep my motivation up
have a better outlook for life, believe that i am someone, and someone of worth at that.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
"We Need A Resolution" - aaliyah
[Verse - 1]
Did you sleep on the wrong side?
I'm catching a bad vibe
And it's contagious, What's the latest?
Speak your heart, Don't bite your tongue
Don't get it twisted, Don't misuse it
What's your problem?
Lets resolve it
We can solve it, What's the causes?
It's official, You got issues
I got issues, but I know I miss you
[Chorus - 1]
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be blamed?
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be ashamed?
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Will we remain?
You need a resolution, I need a resolution,
We need a resolution, We have so much confusion.
.....So, cut the crying, Cut the coughing, Cut the weazing, Girl
Quit the blaming, Cut the naming, Cut the sleeping, Girl
I think you need some prayer, Better call the deacon, Girl
So, get your act right or else we won't be speaking, Girl
So, what's it gonna be? Freaky, freaky... Me and you?
Or is it gonna be who blames who?
I'm tired of these things, I'm tired of these scars
I think I'm gonna get me a drink, I'll call you tomorrow
[Verse - 1]
Did you sleep on the wrong side?
I'm catching a bad vibe
And it's contagious, What's the latest?
Speak your heart, Don't bite your tongue
Don't get it twisted, Don't misuse it
What's your problem?
Lets resolve it
We can solve it, What's the causes?
It's official, You got issues
I got issues, but I know I miss you
[Chorus - 1]
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be blamed?
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be ashamed?
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Will we remain?
You need a resolution, I need a resolution,
We need a resolution, We have so much confusion.
.....So, cut the crying, Cut the coughing, Cut the weazing, Girl
Quit the blaming, Cut the naming, Cut the sleeping, Girl
I think you need some prayer, Better call the deacon, Girl
So, get your act right or else we won't be speaking, Girl
So, what's it gonna be? Freaky, freaky... Me and you?
Or is it gonna be who blames who?
I'm tired of these things, I'm tired of these scars
I think I'm gonna get me a drink, I'll call you tomorrow
i'm just so fucking confused.
i want him i want him i want him i want him i want him i want him.
why am i such a pussy. why? what am i so fucking afraid of?
i'm scared he's going to reject me. i'm scared that he feels the same. i'm scared that he doesn't feel it back.
i'm just fucking scared.
i love justin, and i'm IN love with justin.
it's definitely not just a crush anymore.
i want him i want him i want him i want him i want him i want him.
why am i such a pussy. why? what am i so fucking afraid of?
i'm scared he's going to reject me. i'm scared that he feels the same. i'm scared that he doesn't feel it back.
i'm just fucking scared.
i love justin, and i'm IN love with justin.
it's definitely not just a crush anymore.
Monday, April 05, 2010
soooooo i don't understand what he wants from me
i don't know if he's scared, or if he's gay.
he has told me that he's bi, but he has also told me that he loves me.
he treats me so well, but i don't know if he's treating me like every other person out there.
i don't understand what he wants from me.
we went to the dirty dome on friday. $20, and i was gone for the night.
like, i knew that we were going to be dancing together throughout the night, but i didn't know that he wanted to dance with me and only me the whole night.
anyways, i was trashed and i kept kissing his neck and face, and he kept telling me no, or stop that.
but then we'd be grinding and he kept touching my kiki, and rubbing it and what not so i let him. he kept grabbing my tit, i let him. but i don't understand why he kept telling me no, but yet kept on doing these things to me.
and at one point this guy came up to me and started grinding on me, so i danced with him. he kept trying to grab my cooch, but i would hold onto his hands, and bring'em back up. justin comes back from his smoke, and sees me grinding with this guy. i thought that maybe he would just go and find his own girl, but no.
he just started to grind me from the front, and the guy in behind.. justin was like.. swtich, switch. so he just took me and replaced the guy, and the guy was pissssed apparently. likke, little things like this makes me so confused, because i don't know what he wants from me.
we fucking gooot it going onn, we were so dirty on the dance floor, it was ridiculous. but i just don't get him.
is it too much to ask for a guy to make the first move? or at least the guy that i like..
is it a sin that i feel like i have found the guy that i want to get to know, and to let him get to know me in all aspects.
cause' for some reason i feel like i don't deserve it. things like this don't work out for me, and i feel like it never will. i feel like i fall for the wrong guys. and i don't know why.
he fucking loves, cares and respects me. he knows me. he's sensitive, but he knows when to be a man. he protects me, and he's always there for me. we're on the same level. he's fucking smart... i donk't know he's just got it all.
i'm scared i'm going to lose him, i'm scared that i wont have him.
i know i need to talk to him, but i'm scared.
i don't know if he's scared, or if he's gay.
he has told me that he's bi, but he has also told me that he loves me.
he treats me so well, but i don't know if he's treating me like every other person out there.
i don't understand what he wants from me.
we went to the dirty dome on friday. $20, and i was gone for the night.
like, i knew that we were going to be dancing together throughout the night, but i didn't know that he wanted to dance with me and only me the whole night.
anyways, i was trashed and i kept kissing his neck and face, and he kept telling me no, or stop that.
but then we'd be grinding and he kept touching my kiki, and rubbing it and what not so i let him. he kept grabbing my tit, i let him. but i don't understand why he kept telling me no, but yet kept on doing these things to me.
and at one point this guy came up to me and started grinding on me, so i danced with him. he kept trying to grab my cooch, but i would hold onto his hands, and bring'em back up. justin comes back from his smoke, and sees me grinding with this guy. i thought that maybe he would just go and find his own girl, but no.
he just started to grind me from the front, and the guy in behind.. justin was like.. swtich, switch. so he just took me and replaced the guy, and the guy was pissssed apparently. likke, little things like this makes me so confused, because i don't know what he wants from me.
we fucking gooot it going onn, we were so dirty on the dance floor, it was ridiculous. but i just don't get him.
is it too much to ask for a guy to make the first move? or at least the guy that i like..
is it a sin that i feel like i have found the guy that i want to get to know, and to let him get to know me in all aspects.
cause' for some reason i feel like i don't deserve it. things like this don't work out for me, and i feel like it never will. i feel like i fall for the wrong guys. and i don't know why.
he fucking loves, cares and respects me. he knows me. he's sensitive, but he knows when to be a man. he protects me, and he's always there for me. we're on the same level. he's fucking smart... i donk't know he's just got it all.
i'm scared i'm going to lose him, i'm scared that i wont have him.
i know i need to talk to him, but i'm scared.
Monday, January 11, 2010
seriuosly, i'm fed up with being so fucking alone.
but yet, why do I find myself waiting around for a guy? Yeah, he told me loves me. but what the fuck, then why the fuck arn't you ready to talk about it?
I know, i'm being selfish, and just want it right now. but fuck, i don't want to wait. I've BEEN waiting for 20 fucking years.
it's been so long that I find myself to be pathetic. That seems to be the word that I use to describe myself, alot. and i mean it.
i am fuckign pathetic. but at least these days, i have confidence. I have lost weight.
and I do have attention. but why do guys gotta be so fucking skeezy? why can't i just find myself a nice boy, someone who gets me? soemone who'll just do things for me without being asked? someone that'll just show that he loves me. someone who'll just chase me.
someone who will show me that they love me, and want me.
someone who will give two shits about what I say, even though it's something stupid.
someone who will just appreciate me.
no normal guy wil want this fool right here. nobody in their right mind.
I have convinced myself that I will be dying alone. it's fucked, and I know.
but for some reason, i just believe it. i believe that no one will ever love me.
but yet, why do I find myself waiting around for a guy? Yeah, he told me loves me. but what the fuck, then why the fuck arn't you ready to talk about it?
I know, i'm being selfish, and just want it right now. but fuck, i don't want to wait. I've BEEN waiting for 20 fucking years.
it's been so long that I find myself to be pathetic. That seems to be the word that I use to describe myself, alot. and i mean it.
i am fuckign pathetic. but at least these days, i have confidence. I have lost weight.
and I do have attention. but why do guys gotta be so fucking skeezy? why can't i just find myself a nice boy, someone who gets me? soemone who'll just do things for me without being asked? someone that'll just show that he loves me. someone who'll just chase me.
someone who will show me that they love me, and want me.
someone who will give two shits about what I say, even though it's something stupid.
someone who will just appreciate me.
no normal guy wil want this fool right here. nobody in their right mind.
I have convinced myself that I will be dying alone. it's fucked, and I know.
but for some reason, i just believe it. i believe that no one will ever love me.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
so i went ot brampton this christmas, and it was a gongshow. but a good one? haha
At the airport, I bought justin's aunt a live lobster. They threw it in a box, and we took it on as our carry-on. Going through security, I beeeeeped like a billion. Because of my jewelry, and boots, and what nots. hahaha
we arrived on christmas eve. justin's aunt lorrie picked us up from there.
we went spent an hour driving around in a circle waiting for jsutin's mom.
afterwards, we went back to his aunt lorrie's. met her boyfriend, tom. her son, skylar, and her two twins. ciara and soleil.
That night justin's mom and aunt got super trashed on wine. and were just saying whatever came to their mind, the good and the bad.
Skylar, Justin and I wanted to go for a walk to buy skylar some smokes, and so justin gave his aunt our joint because she didn't want us to blaze it with her 14 yr old son. We went and blazed elsewhere, anyways.
when we got back, justin's mom was hysterical and kept saying "SEAN CASSIDY CALLLED, SEAN CASSIDY CALLLED"
lorrie: "OR WAS IT DAVID CASSSIDY?!?!?!?"
the whole time they were like "YOU'RE NOT WINNING THE MOM OF THE YEAR AWARD"
and the such.
haha so they pulled justin into the kitchen, and told him that they had smoked our joint. that was funnyyy.
The next day, Christmas. Everyone woke up and got ready. Tom watched me as i did my hair. he kept saying things like "no one could ever call you and expect you to be ready right away"
and he asked me if justin was gay, haha. Which was weird cause I always thought that i was the only one that got the girly vibes from justin. weird. anyways.
josh and jeff arrives, and everyone was already smashed. Jeff mentioned something about going back to his place in downtown Toronto and going to the bar there for Christmas.. (bad idea..).
So obviuosly the guys heard bar, and forgot everything about christmas, and the family. We blazed hellaaa, and went to the bar.
Tom gave us a ride to the bus station. We waited for liek 20 minutes. then cabbed it. I realized that I forgot my ID, ,and josh had no ID. so that sucked.
On the cab ride to jeff's, we paid the cabby an extra 10 so that we could smoke. haha
and for some reason we caught two cabs, or something. (can't remember). Both times justin had his arm around me. During the second cab ride, he had his arm around me, and he squeezed my left tit, and asked me if I wanted to have his baby, haha.
anyways, we got to jeff's and smoked some weeed. Then two of jeff's friends came over. One was the security guard to his building - sam, and the other was the security guard's girlfriend.
we left with sam, and his girlfriend went home.
we ended up walking for like an hour to go find a pub. Get in there, the guys grab shots, and beer. Then we left cause sam's old boss was there, and they had beeef.
So we walked some more, and went to another. There the guys got SUPPPPPPPPPEr smashed, with like 6 pitchers. ontop of the other shit they've been drinking all day/night.
Justin ended up telling me that he loves me.
Justin: "I think I love you"
Me: I just gave him this look like, what?!
Justin: "I love you"
Me: "justinn... don't.."
Justin: "I'm serious I love you"
Me: "you're only saying that cause' you're drunk"
Justin: "No, seriously I love you.. I don't know how to explain it but I love you"
Me: "we'll talk about it in the morning"
Justin: "I love you... well do you like me?"
Me: "we'll talk about it tomorrow"
Justin: "I love you"
Me: "i don't know what to say to that"
Justin: "Well... think about it"
Me: "we'll talk about it tomorrow."
i didn't know if he only said it cause he was drunk. I'm scared that he didn't mean it. But it sounded so true.
anyways, after that. justin got SUPPPPPPER smashed, and the owner wanted to kick him out. And they cut him off.
He ended up punching josh in the lip, cause jeff wanted josh to go check on justin.
jeff, and josh the whole time was just kind of brotherly making fun of justin, and as younger brothers are.. he tried to prove himself to them.
but ended up making an ass of himself.
so we left, and walked all the way back to jeff's. Jeff, and sam carried/dragged justin home cause he kept almost falling over, and what not.
josh wanted to beat the shit out of jsutin the whoel time, and he allllllllllllmost punched justin in the faced, and i saw.. so I grabbed josh and was like "JOSH, promise me that you will not cause more trouble then needed. Do it for me, do it for my christmas present, don't"
so he didn't, haha
there, jeff tries to put justin to bed.. aggressively.
Justin did not like that. He struggled, and struggled, and struggled.
eventually jeff snapped, and started to be more aggressive, and what not.
they eventually started fighting. Jeff wanted to call the police, and put justin in the drunk tank. Right then, I said that I'll take justin home. But jeff wouldn't let me.
I eventually convinced him. Then, justin pushed jeff off of him. Josh goes in to grab him to hold him down, but justin being a flail cause he was drunk kicked me, when I was going in to grab him to take him home.
he booted me right in the chest, and I flew back and hit a table. Josh, freaks out and starts beating justin being like "Why the fuck would you hit a girl?!?!" and shit.
I go and grab josh, and tell him that justin didn't mean it, it was by accident.
so he stopped.
then justin makes a run for it, and josh grabs him and put him against the wall.. justin spits on josh in the face.
and justin leaves.
Jeff go outs to run after him and beat him up, I grab jeff and hold him, and tell him no.
And jeff kicks justin out telling him that he's not allowed in his place. and waht not.
yeahhhhhhhh, it was awesome. haha.
At the airport, I bought justin's aunt a live lobster. They threw it in a box, and we took it on as our carry-on. Going through security, I beeeeeped like a billion. Because of my jewelry, and boots, and what nots. hahaha
we arrived on christmas eve. justin's aunt lorrie picked us up from there.
we went spent an hour driving around in a circle waiting for jsutin's mom.
afterwards, we went back to his aunt lorrie's. met her boyfriend, tom. her son, skylar, and her two twins. ciara and soleil.
That night justin's mom and aunt got super trashed on wine. and were just saying whatever came to their mind, the good and the bad.
Skylar, Justin and I wanted to go for a walk to buy skylar some smokes, and so justin gave his aunt our joint because she didn't want us to blaze it with her 14 yr old son. We went and blazed elsewhere, anyways.
when we got back, justin's mom was hysterical and kept saying "SEAN CASSIDY CALLLED, SEAN CASSIDY CALLLED"
lorrie: "OR WAS IT DAVID CASSSIDY?!?!?!?"
the whole time they were like "YOU'RE NOT WINNING THE MOM OF THE YEAR AWARD"
and the such.
haha so they pulled justin into the kitchen, and told him that they had smoked our joint. that was funnyyy.
The next day, Christmas. Everyone woke up and got ready. Tom watched me as i did my hair. he kept saying things like "no one could ever call you and expect you to be ready right away"
and he asked me if justin was gay, haha. Which was weird cause I always thought that i was the only one that got the girly vibes from justin. weird. anyways.
josh and jeff arrives, and everyone was already smashed. Jeff mentioned something about going back to his place in downtown Toronto and going to the bar there for Christmas.. (bad idea..).
So obviuosly the guys heard bar, and forgot everything about christmas, and the family. We blazed hellaaa, and went to the bar.
Tom gave us a ride to the bus station. We waited for liek 20 minutes. then cabbed it. I realized that I forgot my ID, ,and josh had no ID. so that sucked.
On the cab ride to jeff's, we paid the cabby an extra 10 so that we could smoke. haha
and for some reason we caught two cabs, or something. (can't remember). Both times justin had his arm around me. During the second cab ride, he had his arm around me, and he squeezed my left tit, and asked me if I wanted to have his baby, haha.
anyways, we got to jeff's and smoked some weeed. Then two of jeff's friends came over. One was the security guard to his building - sam, and the other was the security guard's girlfriend.
we left with sam, and his girlfriend went home.
we ended up walking for like an hour to go find a pub. Get in there, the guys grab shots, and beer. Then we left cause sam's old boss was there, and they had beeef.
So we walked some more, and went to another. There the guys got SUPPPPPPPPPEr smashed, with like 6 pitchers. ontop of the other shit they've been drinking all day/night.
Justin ended up telling me that he loves me.
Justin: "I think I love you"
Me: I just gave him this look like, what?!
Justin: "I love you"
Me: "justinn... don't.."
Justin: "I'm serious I love you"
Me: "you're only saying that cause' you're drunk"
Justin: "No, seriously I love you.. I don't know how to explain it but I love you"
Me: "we'll talk about it in the morning"
Justin: "I love you... well do you like me?"
Me: "we'll talk about it tomorrow"
Justin: "I love you"
Me: "i don't know what to say to that"
Justin: "Well... think about it"
Me: "we'll talk about it tomorrow."
i didn't know if he only said it cause he was drunk. I'm scared that he didn't mean it. But it sounded so true.
anyways, after that. justin got SUPPPPPPER smashed, and the owner wanted to kick him out. And they cut him off.
He ended up punching josh in the lip, cause jeff wanted josh to go check on justin.
jeff, and josh the whole time was just kind of brotherly making fun of justin, and as younger brothers are.. he tried to prove himself to them.
but ended up making an ass of himself.
so we left, and walked all the way back to jeff's. Jeff, and sam carried/dragged justin home cause he kept almost falling over, and what not.
josh wanted to beat the shit out of jsutin the whoel time, and he allllllllllllmost punched justin in the faced, and i saw.. so I grabbed josh and was like "JOSH, promise me that you will not cause more trouble then needed. Do it for me, do it for my christmas present, don't"
so he didn't, haha
there, jeff tries to put justin to bed.. aggressively.
Justin did not like that. He struggled, and struggled, and struggled.
eventually jeff snapped, and started to be more aggressive, and what not.
they eventually started fighting. Jeff wanted to call the police, and put justin in the drunk tank. Right then, I said that I'll take justin home. But jeff wouldn't let me.
I eventually convinced him. Then, justin pushed jeff off of him. Josh goes in to grab him to hold him down, but justin being a flail cause he was drunk kicked me, when I was going in to grab him to take him home.
he booted me right in the chest, and I flew back and hit a table. Josh, freaks out and starts beating justin being like "Why the fuck would you hit a girl?!?!" and shit.
I go and grab josh, and tell him that justin didn't mean it, it was by accident.
so he stopped.
then justin makes a run for it, and josh grabs him and put him against the wall.. justin spits on josh in the face.
and justin leaves.
Jeff go outs to run after him and beat him up, I grab jeff and hold him, and tell him no.
And jeff kicks justin out telling him that he's not allowed in his place. and waht not.
yeahhhhhhhh, it was awesome. haha.
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