seriuosly, i'm fed up with being so fucking alone.


but yet, why do I find myself waiting around for a guy? Yeah, he told me loves me. but what the fuck, then why the fuck arn't you ready to talk about it?

I know, i'm being selfish, and just want it right now. but fuck, i don't want to wait. I've BEEN waiting for 20 fucking years.

it's been so long that I find myself to be pathetic. That seems to be the word that I use to describe myself, alot. and i mean it.

i am fuckign pathetic. but at least these days, i have confidence. I have lost weight.


and I do have attention. but why do guys gotta be so fucking skeezy? why can't i just find myself a nice boy, someone who gets me? soemone who'll just do things for me without being asked? someone that'll just show that he loves me. someone who'll just chase me.

someone who will show me that they love me, and want me.


someone who will give two shits about what I say, even though it's something stupid.

someone who will just appreciate me.

no normal guy wil want this fool right here. nobody in their right mind.


I have convinced myself that I will be dying alone. it's fucked, and I know.

but for some reason, i just believe it. i believe that no one will ever love me.

so i went ot brampton this christmas, and it was a gongshow. but a good one? haha

At the airport, I bought justin's aunt a live lobster. They threw it in a box, and we took it on as our carry-on. Going through security, I beeeeeped like a billion. Because of my jewelry, and boots, and what nots. hahaha

we arrived on christmas eve. justin's aunt lorrie picked us up from there.

we went spent an hour driving around in a circle waiting for jsutin's mom.

afterwards, we went back to his aunt lorrie's. met her boyfriend, tom. her son, skylar, and her two twins. ciara and soleil.

That night justin's mom and aunt got super trashed on wine. and were just saying whatever came to their mind, the good and the bad.

Skylar, Justin and I wanted to go for a walk to buy skylar some smokes, and so justin gave his aunt our joint because she didn't want us to blaze it with her 14 yr old son. We went and blazed elsewhere, anyways.

when we got back, justin's mom was hysterical and kept saying "SEAN CASSIDY CALLLED, SEAN CASSIDY CALLLED"

lorrie: "OR WAS IT DAVID CASSSIDY?!?!?!?"

the whole time they were like "YOU'RE NOT WINNING THE MOM OF THE YEAR AWARD"

and the such.

haha so they pulled justin into the kitchen, and told him that they had smoked our joint. that was funnyyy.


The next day, Christmas. Everyone woke up and got ready. Tom watched me as i did my hair. he kept saying things like "no one could ever call you and expect you to be ready right away"

and he asked me if justin was gay, haha. Which was weird cause I always thought that i was the only one that got the girly vibes from justin. weird. anyways.

josh and jeff arrives, and everyone was already smashed. Jeff mentioned something about going back to his place in downtown Toronto and going to the bar there for Christmas.. (bad idea..).

So obviuosly the guys heard bar, and forgot everything about christmas, and the family. We blazed hellaaa, and went to the bar.

Tom gave us a ride to the bus station. We waited for liek 20 minutes. then cabbed it. I realized that I forgot my ID, ,and josh had no ID. so that sucked.

On the cab ride to jeff's, we paid the cabby an extra 10 so that we could smoke. haha

and for some reason we caught two cabs, or something. (can't remember). Both times justin had his arm around me. During the second cab ride, he had his arm around me, and he squeezed my left tit, and asked me if I wanted to have his baby, haha.

anyways, we got to jeff's and smoked some weeed. Then two of jeff's friends came over. One was the security guard to his building - sam, and the other was the security guard's girlfriend.

we left with sam, and his girlfriend went home.

we ended up walking for like an hour to go find a pub. Get in there, the guys grab shots, and beer. Then we left cause sam's old boss was there, and they had beeef.

So we walked some more, and went to another. There the guys got SUPPPPPPPPPEr smashed, with like 6 pitchers. ontop of the other shit they've been drinking all day/night.

Justin ended up telling me that he loves me.

Justin: "I think I love you"
Me: I just gave him this look like, what?!
Justin: "I love you"
Me: "justinn... don't.."
Justin: "I'm serious I love you"
Me: "you're only saying that cause' you're drunk"
Justin: "No, seriously I love you.. I don't know how to explain it but I love you"
Me: "we'll talk about it in the morning"
Justin: "I love you... well do you like me?"
Me: "we'll talk about it tomorrow"
Justin: "I love you"
Me: "i don't know what to say to that"
Justin: "Well... think about it"
Me: "we'll talk about it tomorrow."

i didn't know if he only said it cause he was drunk. I'm scared that he didn't mean it. But it sounded so true.

anyways, after that. justin got SUPPPPPPER smashed, and the owner wanted to kick him out. And they cut him off.

He ended up punching josh in the lip, cause jeff wanted josh to go check on justin.

jeff, and josh the whole time was just kind of brotherly making fun of justin, and as younger brothers are.. he tried to prove himself to them.

but ended up making an ass of himself.

so we left, and walked all the way back to jeff's. Jeff, and sam carried/dragged justin home cause he kept almost falling over, and what not.

josh wanted to beat the shit out of jsutin the whoel time, and he allllllllllllmost punched justin in the faced, and i saw.. so I grabbed josh and was like "JOSH, promise me that you will not cause more trouble then needed. Do it for me, do it for my christmas present, don't"

so he didn't, haha

there, jeff tries to put justin to bed.. aggressively.

Justin did not like that. He struggled, and struggled, and struggled.

eventually jeff snapped, and started to be more aggressive, and what not.

they eventually started fighting. Jeff wanted to call the police, and put justin in the drunk tank. Right then, I said that I'll take justin home. But jeff wouldn't let me.


I eventually convinced him. Then, justin pushed jeff off of him. Josh goes in to grab him to hold him down, but justin being a flail cause he was drunk kicked me, when I was going in to grab him to take him home.

he booted me right in the chest, and I flew back and hit a table. Josh, freaks out and starts beating justin being like "Why the fuck would you hit a girl?!?!" and shit.

I go and grab josh, and tell him that justin didn't mean it, it was by accident.

so he stopped.

then justin makes a run for it, and josh grabs him and put him against the wall.. justin spits on josh in the face.

and justin leaves.

Jeff go outs to run after him and beat him up, I grab jeff and hold him, and tell him no.

And jeff kicks justin out telling him that he's not allowed in his place. and waht not.

yeahhhhhhhh, it was awesome. haha.