dear whoever is going to spend the time to read this,

my name is jessica, and I am nothing but a no one. Everyone deserves a girl better than me. I carry too much baggage, and am nothing but a mimic of everyone else. I have no originality, and I am too scared to face life.

I live my life for everyone else, and not for myself. I get myself involved with everyone else's life just so i don't need to deal with mine. I feel like I have reached my end, and I am very lost. I am not happy with the girl that I have turned out to be. I am nothing but an arrogant failure. I see no hope in challenges but rather as a dead end. I give up too easily, and I have no motivation to change.

I am nothing but a loathing sloth. I seemed to have lost all appreciation for society, and mostly myself, but hey.. i never had the appreciation to lose for myself to start with.

i've been stuck in this rut for the last 7 years of my life where I just want to kill myself. I am ugly, and I am fat. I have a downy personality, and I seem to have no sense of intelligence left in me. Trust me, I'm far from a prize possession. I have a lot of issues to deal with, and I just don't know where to start, and I just don't know if I"m ready to let go of them. I feel as though it gives me the cahracter that I need. It gives me something to talk about. Cause' I'm far too stupid to follow up on anything around the world. It has gottent to the extent where ti feels like an addiction now. Where i just walk down the street, and think of different scenarios of how I'm going to do it. Maybe it's a cry for help, or maybe it's going to be my demise, I just don't know yet. I've been fighting this for too long.

I have been alone for the majority of my life, and I am still a virgin. This is as raw I'll ever be.. so bare with me.

My family has tried to give me and my brother the best life that they could give us, and I have done nothing but basicaly spit in their face, and fucking pour salt in their open wounds.

I feel if they had just given me up, their lives would just be soooo much better. I feel as if I'm the problem to every problem that involves me.

For the last year, my brain has shut off, and I am no longer the girl that everyone has grown up with. I've gone AWOL. I'm a fucking pyscho bitch, who just don't want to give a fuck anymore. I am no longer happy... though something just tells me that I was never happy to start with.

My parents showed us love with showering us with gifts, when all I wanted was words of wisdom. I don't want things, I want advice. I want to be able to share myself with people without having them look at me like I"m seriuosly going to slit my wrists right infront of their face.

Don't FUCKING ACCUSE ME OF ANYTHING.

I know my parents meant well. They just had too high of expectations for us. I don't want to end up like them.. but I feel like I am already them.


My brother, my god do I love my brother. He was the only reason that kept me alive for so long. I love my brother to death, and I'll do anything for him. But i know i've failed him. I'm fucking shallow, and I need to stop burning my bridges, espeically when it comes to people that i truly care about.


This past year has changed everything about me. I actually believed that my life was going to begin. I believed that for once i was going to open myself up to someone else. I know love when it's around and it's love, baby. Life was just so much better when He didn't tell me that he loves me. He just can't help but still be a bachelor. He doesn't want to commit, but who am i to blame. I'm scared as fuck when it comes to thinking about committment. I believed that someone loved me.

What have I become? Why am I driving myself crazy with all these thoughts? Why can't I just be? It's because I just don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to do anything if I have to do it alone.

I have nothing to live for, and I feel like I have nothing else to give. I don't want to die alone, but I believe that I am going to die alone. I am, in no doubt, a sorry excuse for a human being - I am a waste of space. I'm not good at anything, and my only purpose in life is to be the best of a friend that I can be to people.

love and be loved, right? but apparently it's only been one-sided.

I have no love for myself, and that's where my problem lies.

I have tried and tried to distract myself from this, but it just wont dissipate. It just wont go away. I can't seem to let myself go. I keep holding myself back from doing and saying things that I want to. I'm scared that people will leave me; will reject me; will hurt me.

I just want to be loved. Apparently that task no one can fulfill. Apparently I'm not loveable. I don't blame anyone though. These days, I honestly don't even deserve. I'm a fuck up, and I keep up to my name.


like i said, i am nothing. i am worth nothing. i am good at nothing. therefore, i deserve nohting, right?

I'm fucking pathetic.

What am I going to do about this, i have no idea. I have tried and tried, and i fail. Though mainly, i think i set myself up for it. I think that that's the only thing in life that I'm good at: failing. I'm superb at it. If they had an award, I'd win, for sure.



they say, if clouds are formed from one man's hands then this is all going according to plan. then what is my plan? where do I stand in this contrived life? or have i swayed off of it? i believe that i have lost sight. i have lost sight in all directions.


i only know how to help other people, i don't know how to help myself when it comes to myself, i'm very reluctant to listen to my own advices. it's easier said then done. i'm jst a lazy ass mawfucka.

I'd like to make up excuses as to why i'm like this, like it all started after my car accident, or when my grandma almost died on me, or when i moved, or when i started camosun... blah bla blah.

it alll has a little to do with it, but really it's all on me on how i deal with it. I have become habituated in not dealing with things. I have learnt to just let things go, and deal with it later. I learnt to repress everything, and anything.

I have learnt to just not care anymore, and it's fucking me up. It seems as though everything is either black or white with me, even though majority of the time i don't even realize it. I need to find my median, and my medium. I need to find my grey.

My problem is, is that I put all my efforts into something when I do things.. so when I'm done, I feel like i'm done.. but when i need to put more effort to become that one step beyond mediocre, i lose all faith in myself. I quit. I fail. I lose.

I don't know how to challenge myself. I don't know how to look at things and say "and how would i be able to fix that?"

I need to believe in myself, I need to believe that I am a person of worth, but for some damn reason I just can't.

I never believe that I am good enough, because I believe that I am not. I honestly don't think that I am anything better than mediocre.

I am lazy. I don't like to put that extra time into anything, because I feel as though nothing will come out of it. But look at me now, I never will become anything.

But in alllll honesty, I don't even see myself being around for much longer. I have no respect for myself. I let myself live like a pig. I dress like a pig half the time.

I don't liek to admit my faults. I can't stand up to myself, I can't stand up to anyone. I don't even know my own strengths anymore. People like to think that I'm this great unstoppable girl that can do just about anything that I set my mind on, but i just think that they are crazy. I can't live like everyone thinks that i can.

though i can, but I guess ultimately i just don't want to.

I want to be happy first, then achieve.

no effort = no success.

but no happiness = no effort.

I need to learn how to be organized. I need to learn how to be responsible, I need to learn how to just suck things up again. I need to learn how to just deal with things for the time being, instead of expecting this amazing outcome.

but if i feel as though i'm not going to be getting what i want, i'm going to be a princess and give you the same amount as you're going to give me, and that usually means not much.

i fear that people have high potentials for me, and i fear that i'll never be able to meet them, so i just give up.

i know i'm ranting on about the same things over and over and over and over and over again, but i've kept it in me for far too long, and i don't want to bore anyone.

when it's written, there's a choice. to read it or to not.

I want to better myself, but it feels like there's no point. there's no point in doing anything that i am doing.

i've failed as a daughter, and i've failed as a sister. those are the greatest failures so far.

there's nothing worst then disappointing my family. but thing is i never felt like it was a family. we were just mutual people living in the same household. we were just there to live, and not be a whole.

there's no unity, no compassion, no sense of knowing each other. we dont' know each other. yeah i love my brother, and my mom. and that's about it.

i am lost. and i am getting desperate, almost.

... "...i want to be a bilionaire, so fucking bad"....