i still think about him. i think about the possibilities of what if i stayed. I create endings to imagined destinies - never any good ones, of course. It comforts me, if I even think any good could have came from it then i just dwell. I live as if I'm the only one who knows grief. My soul is weak, and mentally i'm brittle. I've gotten what I wanted - hiatus. I wanted to turn my brain and stop thinking, and that i have done. Yeah, i feel like i've definitely digressed as a human being, and lack a lot of motivation and have done very little for the world for the past 3 years. I don't know sustenance, i have no self worth - i'm dead broke, man. I think i have become the world's most materialistic shallow self-indulging waste of space.