all i ever wanted in my life is to be where i am today. I thought happiness came with all the things I have going on for me or had going on for me.. that is/was not the case. Happiness is a state of mind, and a moment of finally being at ease with oneself... that is something I have not learnt. My desire for more, has caused me to be unable to realize happiness, and truly appreciate the things I do have.. and my need for perfectionism has caused me to never truly be happy. I don't realize the great in me, and never have. I constantly need the reassurance, and that is one of my greatest downfall as a human being. THE greatest downfall i have is never believing a compliment. I once was naive, and came to realization of it, but now I don't know how to be naive anymore. I don't know where to find that middle ground. everything is so black and white for me, when it comes to myself.

In all honesty, i just dont care about anyone anymore. I care more about myself, and all the stupid shit that I put on myself. I pity me, and am obsessed about pitying myself. When, in reality, there's nothing to pity. I hate myself, cause I have nothing to complain aboout but only create things to complain about. I am the epitomy of a DRAMA QUEEN.. but only to myself.  How the fuck does that even happen?

I self sabatoge always. I'm scared of truly being great, and truly being satisfied with something. I'm scared of facing the end of things, so I let things linger, and I put things off consistently just so I have a reason to keep doing something. I don't want to settle, but in putting things off, I am settling in a way. I don't get it. I have lost motivation, and don't know where it has gone. If anyone finds it, PLEASE RETURN! haha.

I have finally met a guy. Someone who ideally should make me feel like the HAPPIEST me in my whole entire span of being able to breathe. Ive been waiting for this moment my whole life. It's alllllll ive ever wanted. But for some fucking reason the magic isnt there. Maybe ive built up to it for so long that I just dont know now? Or maybe it was the whole justin fiasco that has made me cautious. I don't know. I wanna say i'm just being careful but truth be told, I don't really know if i'm in to him? I am but i am not fully. There's just some things that I wish were better.. dont jump to conclusions. Things like conversation-wise. We hardly talk, and when we do it's really surface small talk. I don't know how to connect with him more. And, i'm scared he's just gonna be another douche bag... i see it in him. but i don't know if i'm creating it in my head and waiting for that "AHA told you so" moment. He is kind of a dick when it comes to telling me what to do.. ( i know that sounds bad as a sentence as it is).. but i mean like asking me to do something, he just tells me what to do like a fucking douche bag. He has no filter in a way, and doesn't know how to be nice about it? (am i sounding like a princess here?) I don't mean sugar coat it, but at least be able to accept the option of me saying no would be nice? or maybe even give me the option of doing so. Just don't be a d-bag. that is all haha.

I'm scared for the day he tells me he loves me. Cause i can't say it back.. and i dont know if i'll ever feel that way about him. I feel bad, cause i feel like i shouldn't even be in this if i am thinking and feeling that. I feel like i'm using him, but i'm not. I'm still trying to feel this out. My mind constantly toggles between ending it, and just keep going out of the curiosity of where it might go? I definitely feel like he's more into it than i am. but maybe not cause we havn't talked about anything, but we just know that we are "together".

The thing that pisses me off about him the most is the fact that I feel like he doens't take me seriously. He thinks i'm just being cute... i just don't wanna be a bitch that's all. but don't take that as me knowing nothing.

If i were a third party looking into this, I'd say that I'm in a situation where I'm just waiting for that one thing he'll do to end this. Looking for a way out. I feel like the guy in this situation. I like him, but im terrified of where this might be headed? I don't see us lasting for years upon years. I see this as a "casual" short term thing. Who knows though, this is new still. We started hanging out as jsut friends in October, and things didn't become more clear (/progressed) til mid/end of December. I guess we'll just have to .. wait it out? someone please help me. tell me if this is normal! tell me if i need to stop this? i feel like i'm insane.

I have been seeing a counsellor for the past 14 weeks, been going once a week, and had my last session last thursday. It was really nice to talk to a third party about everything. She really helped me get over Justin and worked through some lingering shit that was on my mind. I decided to go see someone cause I felt like i've exhausted everyone about it. And for someone else that just doesnt know me and hear me out about it, it really helps.

I want to get my life together, and get on with this job shit. but i know i wont be good at it because of my personality. I fucking hate people (THERE i finally admitted it). These past couple of years, I have become more reluctant about meeting people. I dont like the idea of it. I like the people I know, and dont wanna make new friends, or care to have new people in my life. I just wanna spend time with the ones that are already in my life. But that being said, I'm in a really selfish stage in my life right now.. where I only care about myself, and no one else. Yes, i know.. I suck as a person. This is coming from the person that once said "The best thing about me is being the best friend to everyone in my life". I have lost the ability to care. My brain shuts off when people talk. Which causes me to be in a dilemma - reevaluate my career choice, or revive my empathy. I've been trying to work on the latter, but no luck so far. I don't mean for my brain to shut off when people talk... but i just don't know how to be sincere anymore. everything i say seems to come off as being forced. I fucking hate it. My anxiety kicks in too a lot of the time, and I just cant focus. it feels like i have ADHD.