My Mind, My Place

2010-06-13T20:42:00.001-07:00

thizzed on friday

went to hali greek fest, in purcell cove.

"grind on me, wind on me, then turn around and put your behind on me. "

justin did half a cap, and i did a full. we dancedd.

went to the dirty dome again last saturday, for like an hour.

was at joce's before that. that was fun, except i don't do drinking games, and that's all that it was really.. except for we danced for like the last 1 or 2 hours?

we were bumping and grinding, and apparently people kept looking at us, and saying "it's like they're having sex on the dance floor"

hahahahah

i know how to move, fuck'ya'll.

2010-06-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

dear whoever is going to spend the time to read this,

my name is jessica, and I am nothing but a no one. Everyone deserves a girl better than me. I carry too much baggage, and am nothing but a mimic of everyone else. I have no originality, and I am too scared to face life.

I live my life for everyone else, and not for myself. I get myself involved with everyone else's life just so i don't need to deal with mine. I feel like I have reached my end, and I am very lost. I am not happy with the girl that I have turned out to be. I am nothing but an arrogant failure. I see no hope in challenges but rather as a dead end. I give up too easily, and I have no motivation to change.

I am nothing but a loathing sloth. I seemed to have lost all appreciation for society, and mostly myself, but hey.. i never had the appreciation to lose for myself to start with.

i've been stuck in this rut for the last 7 years of my life where I just want to kill myself. I am ugly, and I am fat. I have a downy personality, and I seem to have no sense of intelligence left in me. Trust me, I'm far from a prize possession. I have a lot of issues to deal with, and I just don't know where to start, and I just don't know if I"m ready to let go of them. I feel as though it gives me the cahracter that I need. It gives me something to talk about. Cause' I'm far too stupid to follow up on anything around the world. It has gottent to the extent where ti feels like an addiction now. Where i just walk down the street, and think of different scenarios of how I'm going to do it. Maybe it's a cry for help, or maybe it's going to be my demise, I just don't know yet. I've been fighting this for too long.

I have been alone for the majority of my life, and I am still a virgin. This is as raw I'll ever be.. so bare with me.

My family has tried to give me and my brother the best life that they could give us, and I have done nothing but basicaly spit in their face, and fucking pour salt in their open wounds.

I feel if they had just given me up, their lives would just be soooo much better. I feel as if I'm the problem to every problem that involves me.

For the last year, my brain has shut off, and I am no longer the girl that everyone has grown up with. I've gone AWOL. I'm a fucking pyscho bitch, who just don't want to give a fuck anymore. I am no longer happy... though something just tells me that I was never happy to start with.

My parents showed us love with showering us with gifts, when all I wanted was words of wisdom. I don't want things, I want advice. I want to be able to share myself with people without having them look at me like I"m seriuosly going to slit my wrists right infront of their face.

Don't FUCKING ACCUSE ME OF ANYTHING.

I know my parents meant well. They just had too high of expectations for us. I don't want to end up like them.. but I feel like I am already them.

My brother, my god do I love my brother. He was the only reason that kept me alive for so long. I love my brother to death, and I'll do anything for him. But i know i've failed him. I'm fucking shallow, and I need to stop burning my bridges, espeically when it comes to people that i truly care about.

This past year has changed everything about me. I actually believed that my life was going to begin. I believed that for once i was going to open myself up to someone else. I know love when it's around and it's love, baby. Life was just so much better when He didn't tell me that he loves me. He just can't help but still be a bachelor. He doesn't want to commit, but who am i to blame. I'm scared as fuck when it comes to thinking about committment. I believed that someone loved me.

What have I become? Why am I driving myself crazy with all these thoughts? Why can't I just be? It's because I just don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to do anything if I have to do it alone.

I have nothing to live for, and I feel like I have nothing else to give. I don't want to die alone, but I believe that I am going to die alone. I am, in no doubt, a sorry excuse for a human being - I am a waste of space. I'm not good at anything, and my only purpose in life is to be the best of a friend that I can be to people.

love and be loved, right? but apparently it's only been one-sided.

I have no love for myself, and that's where my problem lies.

I have tried and tried to distract myself from this, but it just wont dissipate. It just wont go away. I can't seem to let myself go. I keep holding myself back from doing and saying things that I want to. I'm scared that people will leave me; will reject me; will hurt me.

I just want to be loved. Apparently that task no one can fulfill. Apparently I'm not loveable. I don't blame anyone though. These days, I honestly don't even deserve. I'm a fuck up, and I keep up to my name.

like i said, i am nothing. i am worth nothing. i am good at nothing. therefore, i deserve nohting, right?

I'm fucking pathetic.

What am I going to do about this, i have no idea. I have tried and tried, and i fail. Though mainly, i think i set myself up for it. I think that that's the only thing in life that I'm good at: failing. I'm superb at it. If they had an award, I'd win, for sure.

they say, if clouds are formed from one man's hands then this is all going according to plan. then what is my plan? where do I stand in this contrived life? or have i swayed off of it? i believe that i have lost sight. i have lost sight in all directions.

i only know how to help other people, i don't know how to help myself when it comes to myself, i'm very reluctant to listen to my own advices. it's easier said then done. i'm jst a lazy ass mawfucka.

I'd like to make up excuses as to why i'm like this, like it all started after my car accident, or when my grandma almost died on me, or when i moved, or when i started camosun... blah bla blah.

it alll has a little to do with it, but really it's all on me on how i deal with it. I have become habituated in not dealing with things. I have learnt to just let things go, and deal with it later. I learnt to repress everything, and anything.

I have learnt to just not care anymore, and it's fucking me up. It seems as though everything is either black or white with me, even though majority of the time i don't even realize it. I need to find my median, and my medium. I need to find my grey.

My problem is, is that I put all my efforts into something when I do things.. so when I'm done, I feel like i'm done.. but when i need to put more effort to become that one step beyond mediocre, i lose all faith in myself. I quit. I fail. I lose.

I don't know how to challenge myself. I don't know how to look at things and say "and how would i be able to fix that?"

I need to believe in myself, I need to believe that I am a person of worth, but for some damn reason I just can't.

I never believe that I am good enough, because I believe that I am not. I honestly don't think that I am anything better than mediocre.

I am lazy. I don't like to put that extra time into anything, because I feel as though nothing will come out of it. But look at me now, I never will become anything.

But in alllll honesty, I don't even see myself being around for much longer. I have no respect for myself. I let myself live like a pig. I dress like a pig half the time.

I don't liek to admit my faults. I can't stand up to myself, I can't stand up to anyone. I don't even know my own strengths anymore. People like to think that I'm this great unstoppable girl that can do just about anything that I set my mind on, but i just think that they are crazy. I can't live like everyone thinks that i can.

though i can, but I guess ultimately i just don't want to.

I want to be happy first, then achieve.

no effort = no success.

but no happiness = no effort.

I need to learn how to be organized. I need to learn how to be responsible, I need to learn how to just suck things up again. I need to learn how to just deal with things for the time being, instead of expecting this amazing outcome.

but if i feel as though i'm not going to be getting what i want, i'm going to be a princess and give you the same amount as you're going to give me, and that usually means not much.

i fear that people have high potentials for me, and i fear that i'll never be able to meet them, so i just give up.

i know i'm ranting on about the same things over and over and over and over and over again, but i've kept it in me for far too long, and i don't want to bore anyone.

when it's written, there's a choice. to read it or to not.

I want to better myself, but it feels like there's no point. there's no point in doing anything that i am doing.

i've failed as a daughter, and i've failed as a sister. those are the greatest failures so far.

there's nothing worst then disappointing my family. but thing is i never felt like it was a family. we were just mutual people living in the same household. we were just there to live, and not be a whole.

there's no unity, no compassion, no sense of knowing each other. we dont' know each other. yeah i love my brother, and my mom. and that's about it.

i am lost. and i am getting desperate, almost.

... "...i want to be a bilionaire, so fucking bad"....

2010-06-13T13:34:00.001-07:00

i don't want to live the same life as my mom.

i don't want to fall for the first guy i meet. i don't want to settle just yet, but i don't want to let go.

i don't want to be content, i want to be happy.

he has shown me the world, and he has given me meaning. he's given me hope.

i love the way he smiles, i love his arms.

i love how smart he is, how honest he is.

but i know i deserve better than him. he always has a second agenda. he cares about nobody but himself. he has no remorse.

2010-05-02T20:43:00.000-07:00

why wont he let himself love me?

we drank on friday with melanie and cory.

melanie wanted pizza... so, they decided to order it from our apartment.

anyways, we jammed to some tunes, and justin puts on "I'll be" by edwin mcain.

we sang it to each other, and he said "wow.. this is momentous" haha

we looked into each others eyes and just sang it, like as if no one else was in the room.

i was sitting on the couch, and he kneeled down and reached out his hands, and we just looked into each other's eyes and sanng.

at the end of it, he asked for a kiss, and i kissed him.

then he stood up, bend back down and asked for another..

then he held my chin, and just kept kissing me. then would kneel back down, look me in my eyes, and leaned back over and kissed me again.

then moved back, and said sorry...

i loooked at him like "what?"

then he stood up, and put one leg on one side of my legs, and then other on the other side of my legs

then pulled my chin and kissed me, then he knelt back down, and said sorry..

i asked "sorry about what?" he gave me this look like i should know, i did.. but i just wanted him to say it.. it's cause he doesn't want to love right now. it's cause he just doesn't want to be tied down, he's not ready. He knows i mean serious, and i would be serious and nothing less.

he then spits out "i love you"

leans back over and kisses me, then kneels back down, we stare at each other, says sorry again..

then says,

.... "you're beautiful"

then leans back over and kisses me.

we stared for a bit, and he rubbed my hand.

then we just stopped at that.

2010-04-19T11:26:00.001-07:00

so we went camping with our downstairs neighbors, annd...

we all got trashed, and what not.

this is what happened.. justin was like
"i'm sorry but you're so hot, i know i have impacted your life"

and eh was talkin to melanie

"i have impacted her life, if you met her a year ago, she was so different, she was so self-consciuos and shy... i feel like i have made me feel like she has worth, and brought her out of her shell.." ... "jessica is the first asian girl to have turn me on, she's fucking fine"

then to me "you don't know how hot you are"

"it's just so sad to see someone beat themself up, and not realize that they're better than they think they are"

or at least something along the lines of that...

it's like... i know he loves me, and likes me.. but why isn't he doing anything?! :(

2010-04-19T11:12:00.001-07:00

my goals for myself:

grow some balls to talk to justin by my birthday
finish cosmetology school with excellent grades, with at most a week missed school.
get a car by june
lose at least 20 more pounds (135 ~ 145lbs)
get my boobs back!!!! :(
be a size 7/8
excerise more! /get a gym pass?
go hiking
tone out my body (no more flabby thighs, stomach and arms)
lose my face fat
be happy!
stop second-guessing myself
gain my patience back and my niceness/change my attitude
stop smoking so much weed and cigarettes (at most a quarter a week, and 2 packs a week)
stop calling in sick to work, just work. or call parents to help out with rent.
grow up, stop being a self-indulgent baby.
pay off my credit cards by summer (june/july)
have my front layers touch the bottom of my boos, (between my belly button and boobs)
keep my motivation up
have a better outlook for life, believe that i am someone, and someone of worth at that.

2010-04-11T19:59:00.000-07:00

"We Need A Resolution" - aaliyah

[Verse - 1]
Did you sleep on the wrong side?
I'm catching a bad vibe
And it's contagious, What's the latest?
Speak your heart, Don't bite your tongue
Don't get it twisted, Don't misuse it
What's your problem?
Lets resolve it
We can solve it, What's the causes?
It's official, You got issues
I got issues, but I know I miss you

[Chorus - 1]
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be blamed?
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Who should be ashamed?
Am I supposed to change? Are you supposed to change?
Who should be hurt? Will we remain?
You need a resolution, I need a resolution,
We need a resolution, We have so much confusion.

.....So, cut the crying, Cut the coughing, Cut the weazing, Girl
Quit the blaming, Cut the naming, Cut the sleeping, Girl
I think you need some prayer, Better call the deacon, Girl
So, get your act right or else we won't be speaking, Girl
So, what's it gonna be? Freaky, freaky... Me and you?
Or is it gonna be who blames who?
I'm tired of these things, I'm tired of these scars
I think I'm gonna get me a drink, I'll call you tomorrow

2010-04-11T19:56:00.001-07:00

"God rap, God persona, God scrilla (HUH!)
God body in the flesh call me GODZILLA!!!! "

- busta rhymes
'conglomerate'

2010-04-11T18:59:00.000-07:00

i'm just so fucking confused.

i want him i want him i want him i want him i want him i want him.

why am i such a pussy. why? what am i so fucking afraid of?

i'm scared he's going to reject me. i'm scared that he feels the same. i'm scared that he doesn't feel it back.

i'm just fucking scared.

i love justin, and i'm IN love with justin.

it's definitely not just a crush anymore.

2010-04-11T18:36:00.001-07:00

"it works if you work it so work it you're worth it" - augusten burroughs 'dry'

2010-04-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

soooooo i don't understand what he wants from me

i don't know if he's scared, or if he's gay.

he has told me that he's bi, but he has also told me that he loves me.

he treats me so well, but i don't know if he's treating me like every other person out there.

i don't understand what he wants from me.

we went to the dirty dome on friday. $20, and i was gone for the night.

like, i knew that we were going to be dancing together throughout the night, but i didn't know that he wanted to dance with me and only me the whole night.

anyways, i was trashed and i kept kissing his neck and face, and he kept telling me no, or stop that.

but then we'd be grinding and he kept touching my kiki, and rubbing it and what not so i let him. he kept grabbing my tit, i let him. but i don't understand why he kept telling me no, but yet kept on doing these things to me.

and at one point this guy came up to me and started grinding on me, so i danced with him. he kept trying to grab my cooch, but i would hold onto his hands, and bring'em back up. justin comes back from his smoke, and sees me grinding with this guy. i thought that maybe he would just go and find his own girl, but no.

he just started to grind me from the front, and the guy in behind.. justin was like.. swtich, switch. so he just took me and replaced the guy, and the guy was pissssed apparently. likke, little things like this makes me so confused, because i don't know what he wants from me.

we fucking gooot it going onn, we were so dirty on the dance floor, it was ridiculous. but i just don't get him.

is it too much to ask for a guy to make the first move? or at least the guy that i like..

is it a sin that i feel like i have found the guy that i want to get to know, and to let him get to know me in all aspects.

cause' for some reason i feel like i don't deserve it. things like this don't work out for me, and i feel like it never will. i feel like i fall for the wrong guys. and i don't know why.

he fucking loves, cares and respects me. he knows me. he's sensitive, but he knows when to be a man. he protects me, and he's always there for me. we're on the same level. he's fucking smart... i donk't know he's just got it all.

i'm scared i'm going to lose him, i'm scared that i wont have him.

i know i need to talk to him, but i'm scared.

2010-01-11T19:56:00.001-08:00

seriuosly, i'm fed up with being so fucking alone.

but yet, why do I find myself waiting around for a guy? Yeah, he told me loves me. but what the fuck, then why the fuck arn't you ready to talk about it?

I know, i'm being selfish, and just want it right now. but fuck, i don't want to wait. I've BEEN waiting for 20 fucking years.

it's been so long that I find myself to be pathetic. That seems to be the word that I use to describe myself, alot. and i mean it.

i am fuckign pathetic. but at least these days, i have confidence. I have lost weight.

and I do have attention. but why do guys gotta be so fucking skeezy? why can't i just find myself a nice boy, someone who gets me? soemone who'll just do things for me without being asked? someone that'll just show that he loves me. someone who'll just chase me.

someone who will show me that they love me, and want me.

someone who will give two shits about what I say, even though it's something stupid.

someone who will just appreciate me.

no normal guy wil want this fool right here. nobody in their right mind.

I have convinced myself that I will be dying alone. it's fucked, and I know.

but for some reason, i just believe it. i believe that no one will ever love me.

2010-01-02T11:20:00.001-08:00

so i went ot brampton this christmas, and it was a gongshow. but a good one? haha

At the airport, I bought justin's aunt a live lobster. They threw it in a box, and we took it on as our carry-on. Going through security, I beeeeeped like a billion. Because of my jewelry, and boots, and what nots. hahaha

we arrived on christmas eve. justin's aunt lorrie picked us up from there.

we went spent an hour driving around in a circle waiting for jsutin's mom.

afterwards, we went back to his aunt lorrie's. met her boyfriend, tom. her son, skylar, and her two twins. ciara and soleil.

That night justin's mom and aunt got super trashed on wine. and were just saying whatever came to their mind, the good and the bad.

Skylar, Justin and I wanted to go for a walk to buy skylar some smokes, and so justin gave his aunt our joint because she didn't want us to blaze it with her 14 yr old son. We went and blazed elsewhere, anyways.

when we got back, justin's mom was hysterical and kept saying "SEAN CASSIDY CALLLED, SEAN CASSIDY CALLLED"

lorrie: "OR WAS IT DAVID CASSSIDY?!?!?!?"

the whole time they were like "YOU'RE NOT WINNING THE MOM OF THE YEAR AWARD"

and the such.

haha so they pulled justin into the kitchen, and told him that they had smoked our joint. that was funnyyy.

The next day, Christmas. Everyone woke up and got ready. Tom watched me as i did my hair. he kept saying things like "no one could ever call you and expect you to be ready right away"

and he asked me if justin was gay, haha. Which was weird cause I always thought that i was the only one that got the girly vibes from justin. weird. anyways.

josh and jeff arrives, and everyone was already smashed. Jeff mentioned something about going back to his place in downtown Toronto and going to the bar there for Christmas.. (bad idea..).

So obviuosly the guys heard bar, and forgot everything about christmas, and the family. We blazed hellaaa, and went to the bar.

Tom gave us a ride to the bus station. We waited for liek 20 minutes. then cabbed it. I realized that I forgot my ID, ,and josh had no ID. so that sucked.

On the cab ride to jeff's, we paid the cabby an extra 10 so that we could smoke. haha

and for some reason we caught two cabs, or something. (can't remember). Both times justin had his arm around me. During the second cab ride, he had his arm around me, and he squeezed my left tit, and asked me if I wanted to have his baby, haha.

anyways, we got to jeff's and smoked some weeed. Then two of jeff's friends came over. One was the security guard to his building - sam, and the other was the security guard's girlfriend.

we left with sam, and his girlfriend went home.

we ended up walking for like an hour to go find a pub. Get in there, the guys grab shots, and beer. Then we left cause sam's old boss was there, and they had beeef.

So we walked some more, and went to another. There the guys got SUPPPPPPPPPEr smashed, with like 6 pitchers. ontop of the other shit they've been drinking all day/night.

Justin ended up telling me that he loves me.

Justin: "I think I love you"
Me: I just gave him this look like, what?!
Justin: "I love you"
Me: "justinn... don't.."
Justin: "I'm serious I love you"
Me: "you're only saying that cause' you're drunk"
Justin: "No, seriously I love you.. I don't know how to explain it but I love you"
Me: "we'll talk about it in the morning"
Justin: "I love you... well do you like me?"
Me: "we'll talk about it tomorrow"
Justin: "I love you"
Me: "i don't know what to say to that"
Justin: "Well... think about it"
Me: "we'll talk about it tomorrow."

i didn't know if he only said it cause he was drunk. I'm scared that he didn't mean it. But it sounded so true.

anyways, after that. justin got SUPPPPPPER smashed, and the owner wanted to kick him out. And they cut him off.

He ended up punching josh in the lip, cause jeff wanted josh to go check on justin.

jeff, and josh the whole time was just kind of brotherly making fun of justin, and as younger brothers are.. he tried to prove himself to them.

but ended up making an ass of himself.

so we left, and walked all the way back to jeff's. Jeff, and sam carried/dragged justin home cause he kept almost falling over, and what not.

josh wanted to beat the shit out of jsutin the whoel time, and he allllllllllllmost punched justin in the faced, and i saw.. so I grabbed josh and was like "JOSH, promise me that you will not cause more trouble then needed. Do it for me, do it for my christmas present, don't"

so he didn't, haha

there, jeff tries to put justin to bed.. aggressively.

Justin did not like that. He struggled, and struggled, and struggled.

eventually jeff snapped, and started to be more aggressive, and what not.

they eventually started fighting. Jeff wanted to call the police, and put justin in the drunk tank. Right then, I said that I'll take justin home. But jeff wouldn't let me.

I eventually convinced him. Then, justin pushed jeff off of him. Josh goes in to grab him to hold him down, but justin being a flail cause he was drunk kicked me, when I was going in to grab him to take him home.

he booted me right in the chest, and I flew back and hit a table. Josh, freaks out and starts beating justin being like "Why the fuck would you hit a girl?!?!" and shit.

I go and grab josh, and tell him that justin didn't mean it, it was by accident.

so he stopped.

then justin makes a run for it, and josh grabs him and put him against the wall.. justin spits on josh in the face.

and justin leaves.

Jeff go outs to run after him and beat him up, I grab jeff and hold him, and tell him no.

And jeff kicks justin out telling him that he's not allowed in his place. and waht not.

yeahhhhhhhh, it was awesome. haha.

2009-12-03T19:36:00.000-08:00

I can't help but feel as a human I have failed.

I have failed in every way possible.

that or I just live a different life then most people or something. Cause' for some reason I just feel pathetic all the fucking time, and it takes such a toll on me.

I just want someone who will love me as much as I will love them. Who's going to be there for me.

mainly, i just want a really good friend. ultimately i'll settle for that.

2009-12-03T18:57:00.000-08:00

i dont get it. why is it so hard for me to let people love me?

no scratch that. Why is it that I feel like no one wants to put the time and effort to love me? or at least listen to me. :(

i'm soooooo sick of this. I'm so sick of this feeling. This continuous feeling of wanting to just fuck it and peace. I used to be a fighter. I used to be strong. Now I'm just a pussy not wanting to deal with her own problems. I let things get in the way.

2009-12-03T16:15:00.000-08:00

I really don't know why i bother trying to talk to people. They never listen, hence why i've always kept to myself. Why do I try, I might as well just talk to myself. Cause' that's what I'm doing in the end. It's like talking to a fucking wall.

I hate how I'm just so fucking alone. I'm suck a lonely fuck and it sucks. I just want someone to listen to me, and have enough decency to listen to me, and maybe perhaps a miracle might happen and have them actually respond genuinely, and not make some fake shit up just to give you what you want to hear, and to have them avoid talking about shit.

this is what I miss about having friends that are girls. I miss being able to talk to them, not that I really did. But now our schedules conflict.

I hate people that wants to know because they want to know, not because they want to help. FUCK THAT BULLSHIT.

nothing but falsehopes. seriuosly.

that's fucked up. I hate people sometimes. I just want to live by myself, and just fucking die alone. Which i will anyways, so it's perfect, aint it??

2009-11-27T19:07:00.000-08:00

Belief is a subjective personal basis for individual behavior, while truth is an objective state independent of the individual. - sociology

One must drop all sense of ego in order to fulfill their ultimate destiny - de (of tao)

"In the state of p'u, there is no right or wrong, beautiful or ugly. There is only pure experience, or awareness, free from learned labels and definitions. It is this state of being that is the goal of following wu wei."

"in Taoism. The Three Jewels are compassion, moderation and humility"

2009-11-27T19:05:00.000-08:00

I think i"m so sad all thetime, is that its the only thing that I feel comfortale being real about.

it's the only thing that I sort of loved. It's the only thingthat comes natural to me.

but i don't wantto be sad anymore. i don't want to feel like i'm useless.

2009-11-23T22:46:00.000-08:00

I'm starting to think again, which is fantastic.

I love thinking. Thinking is good for the soul. I love self realization, small ephiphonies, what ever you want to call it - I. Love. It.

It opens your mind, and it helps is mature. It helps you understand you. I miss my self-time. I miss getting lost in my thoughts. I miss writing.

I miss being somewhat creative, and smart. Lately, I just feel incredibly stupid. Like a flat-out idiot. I talk too much, and don't put much thought into what I say. At some point this summer my brain just shut off. And out comes reckless Jessica.

I just stopped caring. I got too caught up with enjoying life, that I was reasonable anymore. I want to be mature, and responsible AND enjoy life the way that I do.

I want to have a say, I don't want to be a pushover anymore. But out of habit, I just am one. I'm scared to speak my mind, because I'm scared of people ridiculing me. I want to stick up for myself, I want to stick up for other people. I don't want to be this snob that I have become.

I miss my old mentality. Somehow in the course of the last 6 months, I've derailed and it's definitely time for me to get back on track. I want to have more focus. I want more growth. I want maturity. I want to be real. I feel like such a kid these days, that it's unreal. I havn't felt like this in a lonnnnnnnnnng time.

I miss having good judgement. I miss taking a step back and thinking things through first. Now-a-days I just do what I want, whenever I want.

I need to start thinking about my finances, and need to worry about paying bills and what not, not about drugs, or materialistic wants.

2009-11-22T18:51:00.001-08:00

more and more everyday, i realize that i am my mother.

2009-11-22T18:22:00.000-08:00

th eproblem with me, is that I have all skills to do whatever I want. but I just don't know how to use them properly.

The problem with me, is that I work my ass off doing whatever I do, and when I finish.. I'm lost.

I don`t know what I want, and that is the main problem with me.

2009-11-22T18:11:00.000-08:00

I had a dream the other day.

that justin just up and left. I was calling out to him to stay, but he just left.

I think that's just my insecurities speaking to me.

and the one I had right before that was of shaylene dowden.

I dreamt that I was reunited with some people from high school at a dinner, or something.

and all of sudden I just ask "I havn't seen shaylene around these days, What have she been up to?"

then someone gets up and slams there hand on the table, and says angrily "She's dead. She died four months ago"

me, stunned "what?!?!?!?!?!? what happened?"

"someone shot her, and they still don't know who"

that dream was because a girl that clarke knows had just jumped off an apartment building two days prior.

2009-11-22T17:32:00.001-08:00

i find myself sad and pathetic, with no life.

im lonely, and i have been lonely for about 20 years now. that is sad.

i have no one but myself to solve all of my problems. what the fuck is the matter with me?

what the fuck is my problem? am i repulsive? then why do i find myself repelling people to love me?

I've never had anyone come and jsut take care of me, and love me the way that i want to be loved.

I want to be comforted. but yet, time and time again i find myself comforting myself.

I'm ashamed to let people know. I'm embarassed.

I'm just one big embarassment. I'm just one big joke. I just can't help but feel emebarassed about myself.

I have ALWAYS been an embarassment, as a person, and to my family. and my friends.

There's something wrong with me. I just want someone to love me, is that so hard?

Everything else I can provide for myself, except for this.. someone else's love.

That's all I need. at least it's the only thing left for me to experience. But yet, somehow.. I'm just pathetic. People don't want me like that.

I'm always just the girl to hear out everyone else's problems. I'm just the girl that's always just there. I"m jsut the girl that doesn't have anyone to call her own.

I'm a loser. I'm a loner. I'm a failure. There's nothing about it.

I have become one of the biggest failures I know. I'm sad and pathetic.

I have fucked up my whatever I had going for me, all because of distractions. all because I just want to be accepted, and to feel like I belong somewhere.

I fucked up for drugs. I fucked up for stupid shit. Sometimes I hate what I've become. I had so much gooing for me... I guess I still do.

I hate the way that I am. I hate the way that I talk. I hate how stupid I have become. Like literally stupid. I'm just flat out stupid these days. I have lost my sensibility.

I have lost my reasonable self. all for nothing. I let things get in the way all the time, and i can't stop it.

I don't like myself. I hate how I cut people off when I talk to them. I hate how I don't really listen, or care. I hate how I forget things all the time. My short term memory has gone to SHITTTTTTS.

I think I'm just terminally depressed.

I don't know what to do with myself.

This may be the stupidest thing you've heard, but I honestly cannot see myself living my life fully. Like to the end. I just can't really think of myself living that far.

I wouldn't want to if I'm dying alone. Jessica Leung have always been alone and will always be alone.

I just can't help but feel so inadequate. I can fake a lot of things, but I can't fake the way I feel.

Who the fuck am I? and what the fuck do I have going for me? ... nothing.

I hate the fact that only since I've lost a bit of weight that guys have been checking me out.

I hate that. fuck guys for that shit. fuck you.

Why am I so angry all the time? Why am I so sad all the time?

I just want to be happy and loved. Loved in the way that's not just friends.

WHy wont anyone love me? Why? I can't help but think it's me. I can't help but to have no self-esteem. I can't help but to have no self-confidence.

Sometimes I just don't want to do this anymore. I just want out. I hate this shit. I hate feeling this way. I hate crying for stupid shit like this. I hate being such a loser.

I feel like a kid. I feel like I"m so immature. I feel so young. I feel so demeaned. Quite frankly, I feel like an idiot.

I feel so fucking alone.

I'm definitely pathetic when it comes to guys. like... really pathetic.

I don't know what to say, how to act. I jsut make a fool of myself, as always.

I just want to go.

It's true, I don't stick up for myself. I let people step all over me. and milk me for what I'm worth. I can't help it. it's jsut who i am. pathetic.

I want this feeling gone. I just want to be fucked up on drugs all the fucking time.

I don't want to be alone anymore.

2009-11-08T19:48:00.001-08:00

am i seriously goingto be alone as long as i think i'm going to be alone for?

cause' it sure as hell feels like it.

buuuut it does feel good these days seeing guys check me out. annnd knowing that guys are asking about me. It's flattering.

even though i know that they're staring at me like a piece of meat. I know that all they want to do is use me.

but that's kind of okay, cause' i'm not really looking for anything longterm, any guy would run after knowig me for too long. I tend to get kind of crazy.

uut i don't wantto give off that persona that i'm a hussy like that. I just want to have fun, and be safe while at it.

2009-10-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

definitelly got a mad rush of home sickness last night.

i've just been so sad altely, and i don't even know why.

I just want to cry all the time. I just want to be sad. Why do I need to keep up this so-xcalled "bubbly" image? Why? It's cause people get adjusted to the person that you are.

people always have this image of you to hold onto. But I can't smile. I can't be geniunely happy. Why can't I just be happy?

Am I always going to be alone? I just can't help but think that I'm always just going to be a friend. I'm always just going ot be there and help people.

I'm nothing more than an aid.

I'm helpless, but I'm always helping. seems to be the world that rules me.

I just can't help but care. geniunely care about everyone. I can't stand people being sad. I love to help.

I think i need to be shaken. I feel as though i've grown as much as i need to grow. but not at the same time.

I can't help but to be stepped on all the time. I don't know why other people's happiness is so important to me, so important that I end up compromising my own at times.

2009-10-09T19:29:00.000-07:00

well guess what... I'm sick yet again. Life is lloking up as per ususal. as of course, i'm being sarcastic.

we are still looking for an apartment.

2009-10-04T10:43:00.000-07:00

so we're in Halifax now.

don't really know what i really think about it. we havn't really had time to take our time to enjoy it and relax. we've been trying to find an apartment and just the stress from it has stunted my enjoyment of this town.

I'm scared. I'm scared that this isn't going to work out. I'm scared that this place is going to ruin mine and justin's friendship.

I'm just getting this really bad feeling about it, and i don't realyl know what to think about it all, because I'm just scared.

i don't know if i'm being paranoid, or if it's just instincts kicking in.

I'm getting bad vibes from him, and i don't like it one bit.

I don't like it at all. I think that he's being sneaky, and fuck that shit.

fuck getting used. fucking having nothing left.

maybe it's just the weather talking but I don't really know. I'm scared,.

I'ms cared that I'm not going to make rent, I'm scared that i'm going to be poor.

I'm just scared about everything. this is THE most spontaneous thing that i've ever done. literally. THE most spontaneous thing.

boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo to these feelings.

fuck this feeling. I'm getting that whole boo i'm going to be alone for the rest of myt life feelings again. THOSE thoughts, again.

you know what that means, PERIOD, haha.

fuck. my. life.

I just don't really kjnow how I feel about justin. I don't nkow if he's going to flake on me or not. cause' i'm getting these 2nd agenda vibes from him, and fuck second aganedas, they're bullshit.

if you have other things in mind, don't drag me into and leave me after. cause' FUCK THAT SHIT.

i'll break you. seriuosly. don't fuck with me. i'll drop you in a heartbeat. and i'll make people regret loosing me. seriuosly.

i don't get mad, i get even. it's how i work and it's how i will always work.

people need to know how they are affecting other people to understand the feeling. to understand that it's fucked up to do stupid shit like that to other people. it's fucked up to even have the mindset of using someone to get somewhere, then when you're all settled you drop'em. you fucking leave them. fuck that shit.

seriusly. why bother. fuck selfish people. fuck second agendas.

i'm always better at judging characters when it comes to people that arnt affecting me.

i'm always better judging characters when it's from afar.

but seriusly, i do feel as if theres no good guys out there.

there's no guys that'll ever want me. Like, there's this guy that follows girls home and then sneaks into their house to watch them sleep at night.

and for some reason, i just don't care cause' no guy likes me enough to do that. I just don't give off that vibe. I don't. Guys don't want me, it's how its always been, and it's how it will always be.

I swear i will die alone. I rahter die alone, then die unhappy. but there's definitely a fine line between the two.

I just want to be comfortable, and I just want to be loved. cause' i've spent my whole life working hard, and getting really nothing.

I have nothign to show for it all. I have nothing to show for anything, seriusly.

look at the person that I am right now. Wht have I achieved? moving across the country, that's it. I don't even have a place to live, no job, no ride.

I'm fucked, and I'm just a cling-on. I swear. I just live vicariously through other people.

I'm defensive because I've been picked on my whole life. I'm defensive because I'm scared to let people know me. for some damn reason.

People dont help me, i help people. I'm a solo fighter. I've been by myself for this long. I'm tired though. I'm restless, and I honestly have nothing else to give. I'm done. I'm in a transition phase. and hopefully it'll be for the better, not for the worst.

I need to grow up, cause' I'm kind of stupid right now. like reallllllly stupid. I've lost my reasonable jessica self. I've lost my think first then speak mentality.

at least, i'm having fun?

I know that i can't live my life in a box all the time, i know that I just can't be proper all the time. and that's there's nothing wrong with acting my age. but why do I feel like i always have this image to live up to. why do i feel like i need to be somehting more everytime?

it's cause' i don't like being an open book. i realoly don't. but i am readable. that's for sure.

all i want to be in happy. i want to be with like minded people, and people that wont put me on edge all the time. and people that wont test my strength most days.

i just need one big self evaluation.

2009-09-21T01:20:00.000-07:00

i'm done being so nice.

i'm done waiting around for people. I'm done with people having these expectations of me doing everything and not saying a word about it. I'm done with being stepped on.

I am well aware that I'm too nice for my own good. I am well aware of that.

but people who are as well, and continue stepping on me.. it sickens me.

why do you think I have no "real" friends? I push everyone away.

i don't want to try, cause' it's just going to be fake.

I want some geniune people in my life. I have filtered through everyone.

I have nothing else to give. I'm done, I'm tired, and I'm worn out.

I'm done with flakes. I know i've said this a billlllllllllllllllllllion times, but fuck.

why do I attract myself to needy people? why do i like helping so much?

2009-09-21T00:37:00.001-07:00

life sucks.

i'm tired of being sad. i'm tired of being back in vic.

I want to leave, and I'm making it happen tomorrow. when i wake up.

goddamit

2009-08-19T00:55:00.000-07:00

my saturday night was goood. ahaha

did methylone, annnd gooot fuckkkkkkked.

had one big cuddle puddle with scott and justin on justin's couch.

fuck it was amazing, haha.

2009-08-12T07:34:00.000-07:00

I'm scared that i'm going to be a gypsy for the rest of my life with this constant need of change.

i'm scared that i'm never going to find someone or somewhere to settle down, and these fears tend to hold me back from doing what i want to do.

i always need a push.

i dont'k now.

i'm scared of not being in control, and just not knowing scares me.

but i always know that i can move back with ym parentsd until i can get on my own feet again.

2009-08-12T01:06:00.001-07:00

PYSCHOLOGICAL TEST

Here is the analysis:

You are easy going and carefree.
How ambitious you are depends on the height that you answered, which is: MIDDLE.
You try to please everyone, the size of this personality as seen by others is medium.
Glass means fragile personality.
You are also down-to-earth.
You are an opportunist.
Your best friend is the one you need when you are in trouble.

2009-08-12T01:03:00.001-07:00

5 Q PERSONALITY TEST

Here is the analysis:

Your ideal mate has a sense of humor and is lively.
Most of your plan would be successful. When you wish, you make a reasonable wish.
No effort, no success. That's your attitudes towards success.
You think that if you like what you are and have, then no matter what, you will always be happy.
You are emotional, sincere and optimistic.

2009-08-12T00:56:00.001-07:00

WHAT TYPE OF PERSONALITY DO IHAVE

Kind and Gentle
Your kindness is your charm - you are also gentle and sweet. Everybody likes to be around people with your personality. Like a psychologist, people like to talk to you to discuss their problems because you are proper and discrete, as well as confident. You look mature and people respect you. People with this kind of character are few and far between.

2009-08-12T00:52:00.000-07:00

"THE REAL ME

Here is the analysis:

You are a very serious person. You tend to be quiet and well behaved, and you don't have a great deal of self-confidence. You prefer to be alone rather than with friends and that could make you a little less interesting to certain types of guys. You are very attractive in an individual kind of way, and this means it can take people a little while to get to like you.

You really care about other people's feelings and are quite serious about the issues that affect your life. You are sincere, and your concern for the well-being of others makes many people want to be your friend.

You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm.

Guys see you as being a thinker and a careful person. They will be really attracted to this quality in you, but you need to learn to speak your mind, otherwise people will find you too shy and quiet. Learn to relax and lighten up--it's okay to have fun sometimes. When you learn to develop your fun-loving side, guys are going to flock to your side.

Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

2009-08-12T00:49:00.001-07:00

WHAT'S ON MY MIND
Here is the analysis:

You think money and love are equally important. You have an interest in many things in life, and work hard to ensure that you maintain a healthy balance between work, play and love. However, you tend to be unable to decide on what you really want to do with your life. You wouldn't dream of leaving your loved one for one or two million dollars, but you would have to reconsider if the offer rose to 100 million dollars.

2009-08-12T00:18:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do. I'm getting so restless. it's this played out game that never ends with me. I'm a gypsy. I just constantly need change. I get too adjusted too easily.

I need change of setting, and change of people. For some reason, I just can't let people help me. Slash, i just can't find anyone that I really trust to help me.

I'm self dependent and self reliant. I'm my own psychologist. and it sucks. cause' it's just one opinion, and it's my own.

I dont really know yet. I'm thinking about staying until i get my license back, then go to winnipeg for a bit, to stay with michelle, thenn head over to nova scotia to stay with phoebe and them for a bit until i find my own place.

thennn go to hair school, and get a job afterwards.

thennn i want to travel and work at the same time.

and since cutting hair is pretty universal, i don't think it'd be THAT hard, but i guess it's probably easier said then done.

and probably language barriers are difficult to deal with at times.

I'm just getting realllllllllly bitter. and it's no fun. I hate myself for being like this, but i'm exhausted, and no one is making this easier for me.

it just feels like i have no respect around here, and just get treated like some rug.

stepped on, and stepped on.

I don't know. i'm just really done with selfish people, and for once, i really need to think about myself.

i don't know if i want to leave with my parents, i reallllllly want to. but i don't know if i'll regret it or not.

i'm scared that i will.

i'm scared that i'll have to come back to this place cause no where else will have me.

i'm pathetic when it comes to interviews and getting jobs.

RINGS ON fINGER
Forefinger

You are quitely confident and very responsible. You like to lead and can appear to be quite tough on the surface, but underneath is a gentle and sensitive character that enjoys the finer things of life.

2009-06-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

i'm tired as fuck. about to go in revelstoke, to check out their music festival.

2009-05-19T00:21:00.000-07:00

happy birthday mommy.

sooooooooo i've moved to rogers pass, AKA the middle of nowhere. i've been here for about 3 weeks now.

i miss my mom. I'm so sad right now. it's her birthday and she can't even enjoy it cause' i'm gone. it breaks my heart that i'm breaking her heart. she took a month off work cause' she can't sleep at night, cause' she's so worried about me.

she started to cry when i was talking to her. I just feel like i left her with a pile of mess. i got arrested, she foudn out i blaze, that i smoke, got my car impounded, and now i'm about to lose my license. all within a span of 2 months.

i told her not to worry. and that i'm just growing up.

the other day back in victoria, i had such a good alone time. i just chilled at topaz park for likke an hour, and just thought.

i came to the conlcusion that i'm the way that i am, because i don't know what i want. with everything.

yeahh.

2009-04-22T01:24:00.000-07:00

my birhtday is coming up real soon.

bong
mp3 converter thing for my car
sound system

2009-03-22T01:01:00.001-07:00

annnnd i did E some time last month.

i feeel like i'm such a bad kid.

I feel like that little kid in me that just wanted to "fuck-around-and-experience-life" is taking it's course right now.

i'm not listening to the sensible jessica, that be gone.

2009-03-22T00:53:00.000-07:00

i did shroooom todays
what a tripppppp!

2009-03-16T00:42:00.000-07:00

i don't really know how i feel rght now

i'm definitely sick of getting disrespected, and just being underappreciated.
it's just the same problems i run into with every groupd thati hang out with.

but it's my fault, and iknow it.

on the contrary though, i know i am appreciated. because they feel bad for asking for rides, and smokes.

but yeeeet, they can't help but keep on doing it.

i'm just pissed as always.

i jusdt want to beat someone up.

just to prove that i can, and to get out all my frustrations.

2009-02-16T10:45:00.000-08:00

1. i am a woman of my words. if i say something to you, i wont back down. I just need a bit of reminding, that's all.

2. i used to be a better friend.

3. i constantly find myself stepping over myself.

4. i'm a hypocrite.

5. i lie

6. i'm everything you wanted, except not.

asdjfklhhhhhh

2009-02-09T00:51:00.001-08:00

i am well
i am good.

life has been good.

michelle and i went to the gym today for like an hour, but it was good.
we went on a long ass walk before though, a 2 hour walk. we walked up to christms hill, then back down, to quadra.

i feel soooooo good right now.

i just want to keep on working out.

ultimately, i would like to stop smoking.. but not right now. I know i know.. it's never the right time.. but i don't feel like it's the right time for me, right now. i don't know.. we'll find out.

i want this to work out.

i want to lose a pant size or two.

i want to be skinnier, and i want to get noticed, and get yellled at? i don' tknow.

i want to look good, and i want to feel good about myself.
i want to stop worrying about showng off my stomach, or my thihghs, or just something, i dont 'know.

i don't want to be self consciuos anymore. i'm tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, i know it's a played out line, but it's how i feel: uncomfortable.

i also, ultimately, want to slow down my blazing... even though it's at it's peak right now.

i always say that if I wanted to stop, i could... i really feel like I can' anymore.

;like i've gone too far. like i've take so much of an advantage of it that I just an't change.

I know i'm fucking up with schooool, but I really don't care.. butI guess that that's because I'm not the one paying for it.. but I think even if I was paying for it.. i would be doing the same thing.

I just need to be out of this city.
as soon as school is done I want to DRIIIIIIIIVE.

and as soong as June hits, I'm running away. haha.. well driving away.

I want to peace this city, and this province.. or probably just explore this province.. I dont' know.

2009-02-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

i've been goood.

though i wish he cared about me the way i care. just like good friends. he's like a big brother to me.

it's not that he doesn't care.. it's just i want answers sometimes and he doesn't ahve them for me.

no one does, ever.
forsome reason i have answers for them, some how. but no one has answers for me.

whatever. apparently i'm going to go to the gym with michelle right now. fuck my life. hahah... i'm too tired but i'll go. whateve.

i went and visited Balcnhe, and the lady loved me there.. saying that i have talent and shit. yeahhh

i don't know.

i'm starting to get pretty concerned about my midterms, and shit. yeahh.

2009-02-01T03:21:00.000-08:00

all is well. i think

but i have come to the realization that i'm done with michelle.

i don't need stanky people in my life.

i'm good without. thanks.

it'stime for me to think about myself.

yup.

2009-01-28T12:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to think. i guess it's just that time again where things just never seem to make sense. and i just feel the way that i do.

it's a perpetual cycle, that i would like to be gone.

i don't know.

fuck man. i don't know. He's moving away, and i think that's why i'm backing off. I'm just sick of having people leave me. I'm done with Victoria; i feel like i'm friends with everyone i can be friends with in Victoria. There's no one else they can offer me really.

i was talking to kayla last night, regardless of stuck i feel here, i'm still going to miss it. I'm going to miss how beautiful it is here, and the fact that i can see EVERYTHING just from a tiny ass mnountain, is pretty comforting.

I'm going to miss the clean air, the sparse amount of people, and traffic. I'm going to miss just cruising around and being able to complete the course of victoria within the hour.

i'm going to miss bumping into someone i know everywhere i go.

i'm going to miss my home.

but if i move to vancouver i'm not going to miss it as much, but i'll still miss it.

i'm going to miss knowing where i am at all times. i'm going to miss knowing my way around.

it's a love-hate relationship: victoria, and i.

I really don't know why i'm feeling so down right now. I think it's because of the whole joe situation but i'm not really sure.

he messaged me the other on facebook, and it was pretty insincere. he kept saying "lol" and "hahahhah"

no thanks.

i sent him this HUGE ass message back bithcing him out. it made me feel better, but i dont' know.

at the same time i feel like shit. i dont' think it's because of that, but i think it is. i don't nkow.

what the fuck is wrong with me :(

I just want to be out and about right now. the weather is too nice to be spent inside.

i know that i'll still be feeling the same way when i'm out. i know that i'll still be feeling lonely. but honestly, i prefer to be lonely in a city where i don't know people, rather than feeling lonely in a city where i know a lot of people.

i know i'm young, and i'm probably just thinking pretty irrationally. but i don't want to be here anymore. there's too much drama. EVERYWHERE.

2009-01-21T00:25:00.001-08:00

people are just supplements to life, not the reason for it.

2009-01-20T22:32:00.000-08:00

yeah i'm alone
but the weather makes up for the shittiness of life, right now.

i'm happy just being friends with Jesse.

2009-01-19T00:08:00.002-08:00

it's been a while?

so i'm back at square one again.
I don't like Jesse, I just liked liking him. it was fun while it lasted, whatevs.

i like chilling with him, and talking to him.
werd

2009-01-19T00:08:00.001-08:00

FEBRUARY 16th
3 peonies
by leigh at union.

2009-01-11T10:26:00.000-08:00

fuuuuuuuuuuuck. i don't want to write a fucking report,espeically a report about facebook.

i'm lonely. i'm alone. this sucks.

2009-01-07T21:52:00.000-08:00

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i don't want o settle for something that i don't totally want.

and i don't know if Jesse is that for me. He's way too assertive. but he's so damn charming.

my texts with him:
me: "econ is in room CBA286"
him: "thanks"
him:"so i still feel prety scumlike will you smoke one with me after school?"
me: "that sucks. i'm sorry that you feel that way. and yeah i'll blaze with you"
him: "your such a sweetheart are you finshed at 320?"
me: "it's what i've come to the conclusion of. That i'm meant to be here jsut to be the best of a friend that i can be. And yeah I'm off at 320. "
him: "your awesome i try to be the best i can but i am definitely not as awesome as you"
me: "hah thanks"

DEC 22,2008
him: "yo, what are you saying?"
him: "nothing i'm guessing?"
me: "hello, you would just assume that. I'm just on the bus right now. Sorry I guess my jesse radar didn't go off.
him: "haha where are you going?"
me: "home. what are you up to?"
him: "on the bus going home you still couldn't drive?"
me: "i crashed at kay quan's last night"
him: "sweet what did you two get up to?"
me: "we walked to wal-mart from tillicum. from there we bussed to her hopuse and watched a couple of movies. Today, we went downtown and she bought gloves for the homeless."
him: "well that sounds wholesome. Wanna come over and smoke some weed with me?"
me: "I would love to. but i just got home and there's some things i gotta do first, so i wont be able to come until a bit later"

nov 23,2008
him: "yo are you up?"
me: "i am now, what' sup?"
him: "i just woke up put on some ratat picked up the half full pipe next to my bed was thinking about last night and wanted to talk to someone i would incite you for breakfast/tea but i think i am gonna go to work for 11"

Dec 21, 2008
me: "morning sunshine."
him: "hey babe"

2009-01-07T19:22:00.000-08:00

so jesse called me at 3:49 this morning.

it's so nice to feel wanted, but it's not the kind of want that I need. :(

He called me cause' he felt like scum, cause' he fucked the girl that lives downstairs. It's not even the fact that she lives downstairs.. it's that she lives downstairs with her boyfriend whom she has a kid with.

he had to go to this dinner party thing that he got invited to, and he was going to bring Alex with him, but Alex bailed last minute.. and so Jesse decided to go downstairs to ask the couple there if one of them watned to, as a repayment for them cooking him dinner.

Charles suggested that Michelle probably wants to go more cause' she's been needing a break from home.

So Jesse took michelle, and apparently she kept hitting on him, and kept trying to jook up with him. But he said no, and that it's wrong and what not.. but then eventually he's like "how about i just drink enough so that i wouldn't think abut it"

afterwards,they went back to jesse's room and they fucked.

and now he feels like scum. He was pretty drunk when he called me.

he kept trying to get me to go blaze him, but i kept saying "it's 4 o'clock in the morning, and i look like shit"

he's like "so"

I wish i wasn't just the friend. I wish i was something more.

i wish I had the balls to call him up to jus talk. To confide in him, but i can' do it. I can't open myself up like that... i can if he asks maybe.. no.. i don't think i could. I can't even talk about it with Phoebe and them.. i just feel pathetic. I really do, and i wish i didn't but i do. fuck.

I can't talk about how lonely i am. but i am, and it's the most reoccuring set-back that I face. loneliness. fuck.

I justwant to know why I can't get a guy.. but i know why and that's the problem.. i thin. it's cause' i can't let myself be girly, i can't let myslf be flirty, I just can't let myself be vulnerable.

I'm scared of getting rejected. I'm THAT scared. I'm scared of getting judged. I'm scared of getting luaghed at. I'm scared that they're going to feel sorry for me.

fuck.

2009-01-02T15:55:00.000-08:00

thoughts about 2008.

- i'm glad that I changed
- i'm glad that i am able to call people out
- i'm glad that I talked to Jesse, I'm glad that I added him on faceboo, I'm glad that I didn't chicken out.. but I'm chickening out on progressing things.
- I'm glad that my ability to cut hair had progressed, and the word-of-mouth about it is only good news
- I'm glad that I met the people that I did, cause' they've helped me developed
- i'm glad that I ended my highschool years the ways that i did, i have no regrets about ti what-so-ever.
- I'm glad that I didn't cry at grad, or wanted to cry.
- yeah i lost a bestfriend, but I'm gaining one back.. kind of.
- i'm glad that I enjoy alone time, in small dosages.
- i've made realizations about things, and I'm working in ways to change myself more, and changing my environment.
- though, i have become more agigtated, and more un-ease.
- i have let down my shield to be able to tell people things, instead of hiding.
- i'm starting to exercise/run more. but still barely.
- i started to smoke more frequently, weed and tabacco.

2009-01-02T13:56:00.000-08:00

my last two dreams ave been polar opposites. as with my days, as well.

the firs of the two dreams was of Jesse and i, as wit the second.

we were jus chilling, and being cuddly, and it was just warm hearted, and wholesome. It made me feel pretty positive as to where things were headed for us.
(side note: I have completly forgotten the dream, but i remember it being of that nature)

my second dream, was the one i had last night/today. I dreamt that we were going to a party, and i was picking him up with Kayla, but he brought Annabel from Montreal and he was just making out with her the whole time, and was jut going out of his way just to be with her. It made me feel so lonely, and it just felt like one big slap in the face.

this is defniely my insecurities creeping out into a dream, fo sho.

maybe I really do like him, maybe i don't. I'm stuck and alone. My fear is, is that i'll be alone for the rest of my life. For some reason, I can't help but feel like i need to change, but in reality.. just need to let myself go.

why am i so selfless? why do I care sooooo much? why can't i let go of my inhabitions.

i feel as if I'm failure at it's finest. not even it's finest, but yeah.

i'm sick of always feeling so low abot myself, I'm sick of needing so much reasurance in my life- I'm sick of having no confidence.

I know that i need to love myself before loving anything else, but how can i love myself when I don't feel like others find me appealing.

i hate vicious cycles. I wish life was easy, I wis life was understandable.

how can such a simple concept be so unattainable - happiness.

how can one girl be so unappealing, what is wrong with me? why can't there just be some easy solution? why is there not a hand guide? hah.

I just want to sit down with a guy, and be like "what is wrong with me? why am I so unappeling"

but i'm too chicken shit to do such a thing. I don't have balls. I act tough, but I'm not. I'm a weak fuck, that's all.

Why is it so hard to find someone to hold, to cherish, and to cherish you?

why do i have to work so hard for things, when it seems like things just get handed to people around me.

but then again we're talking about me. Queen of good luck with bad luck.

my goodluck with bad in relativity to guys is that I can make plenty of guy friends, but the bad luck par is that that's what we just are: friends.

i hate this feeling of unwanted-ness.

unwanted, that's all i am... when talking about likability.

I'm boring, fat, and very much insecure. and I want a guy that will like me for who I am, but that's just wishful thinking.

not guy wants those qualities in a girl. I have no personality, I have nothing to offer, but my loyalty. I'm unoriginal, and I'm tasteless.

in addition, I'm restless. I'm hopeless. I'm a lost cause. I'm just there, just there to be your friend. I have no second agenda, other then the fact that I may want to fuck you.

I don't have an approach, because I don't know how to do it.

I overthink too much, which causes me to lose befoe I begin, which is all in all, pathetic.

I lack motivation, because i feel as if, in repetition of myself, unwanted/undesirable. I fear they're going to say no, and say the things that I know already about myself.

that I'm fat, that I'm boring, that I'm insecure. I've tried to like myself, but it's hard when you feel like people don't feel the same about you. it's hard going through life thinking the way that I do, it's most certainly unbearable. extremely unbearable at times.

yeah, i'm silly for being so dramatic, but it's how i am, and it's how i think. I can't change it, that's the only thing that unchanging about me: my negativity, my pessismism.

When i say that I'm done with crying about these things, i mean it. I really am done with crying about the same old shit. but for some reason i've become so habituated with this negativity that it's overall stumping my growth as a person. it's stumping my potential.

i'm the poster child for potential. it's all i have: potential.

to say the least, this has been a pretty bad start to my year, but then on the brighter side... it can only go up from here, right?

my fear is taht i'll be called out on an act that isn't myself - being baited out.

all i ask for is a companion. a best friend, someone to hold me. somene who has the same sleep patterns as me. someone who i can just be totally comfortable with, someone who i can just share my thoughts with, smeone who will not judge. someone who will understand me.

my problem is that i have shields, and i can't let people in my life, easily. I offer people so much, and just simple advice never comes to me, and that's all i ever want.. advice, and comfort.

i want to better myself, but i need critque.

my flaw is that i can't stand purposely being in the center of attention. the "HEY LOOK AT ME" mentality, is not for me.

i'm in the background, and that's what's causing me to be the way that i am, i think. well it's a hunch that i have.

i dion't think that i have ever thought about death in this amount of seriuosness and excessiveness ever. the latter half of 2008 was spent doing just that.

especialyl when i'm driving, i just think "if only that car could hit me". I'm too much of a wuss for suicide.
I know people care for me, I know. but i feel as if I'm just a second thought. i'm second choice, and that's being my fear for center of attention.

I truly put people ahead of myself, all the time.

2009-01-01T12:42:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

this holiday has been everything but conventional. werrrrrrd.

so far my new years sucked, probably cause' i didn't get to see jesse, and pent most of it playing mom, and looked after people and cleaned up after people.

no one asked me to do it, i just did it. i was pretty much sober the whole night and ended up home.

i didn't go to bed until6am, and woke up at 11am.

i drank 2 energy drinks, and smoked the rest of the my weed. so i burnt out early and sobered up early, which sucked.

oh the holidays.

i also spent the majority of it consoling people.. including jesse.

which i dind't mind, i like consoling people.

but i'm just saying that overall i could have been better.
there was sshitty music, and people just wanted to make out with each other.. yeah.

2008-12-23T16:09:00.000-08:00

got my second tattoo on Decemeber 19th, 2008.

i loooooooove it. it stillhas some things to be added on to it, but it's siiiiick right now. haha

TATS

2008-12-17T00:48:00.000-08:00

What is your full name?
Jessica Quon Yau Leung

When were you born?
Tuesday, May 8, 1990 at 12:30am.

Is your birthday on a holiday?
it's on Mother's Day sometimes.. ;)

How old do people usually think you are?
20, 21

What do you like about yourself?
I'm not a flake, i'll always be there for my friends no matter what time of day/night it is, i'm loyal, i have good luck with bad luck, I generally like everyone until they give me a reason not to, i don't need a lot of sleep

What don't you like about yourself?
I procrastinate way too much, i tend to not care much about things but always end up stressing about it anyways, i'm very indecisive, i worry too much, i'm too safe, i'm very impetuous, overly emotional sometimes, I have really bad hearing, I'm too contrived, i need a lot of reassurance, and lately my memory has been pretty bad as well.

What are some things that people wouldn't know about you just by looking at you?
I spat a taxi driver once when I was a wee one, I can speak Cantonese (and no, i'm not going to say something in cantonese for you right now), i've very unorganized, i like working

What is your horoscope, and are you anything like it?
Taurus, and yes, i'm very stubborn.

What are you most recognized for?
well back at Reynolds I guess i was known for cutting hair in the school's parking lot. Now-a-days I'm not too sure.. probably for skipping marketing, ahha.

What's one thing you want others to know about you?
uhhhhhh...... umm, I'm far-sighted? haha. I don't know.

What are your talents?
I can play about 9 different instruments, i cut/style/dye mine and other's hair, I tend to say things at the worst time possible, annd recognizing faces and sometimes names too, gotta love those grandmother cells, haha.

How tall are you?
I'm 5'5.5" I pride myself on the .5 thank-you very much. haha.

Do you like your height?
I'm a-okay with it. though a little taller would be nice.

Are you more left brain or right brain oriented?
left brain in the way that I'm logical, and detail oriented; but right brain in the way that I love art, and i'm very impetuous.. i'm probably more right brain though.

Would you rather be catatonic or have tourettes?
ummmmm.. probably catatonic, seeing that I don't want to end up like that tourettes guy on youtube, hah.

What are your views on religion?
I'm pretty open minded, until people try to press it on me.

Darwinism, or Creationism?
oh god, haha. comparative civilizations 12 whaaat? haha. i don't really know.. probably darwinism, but only to some extent, can't it be both? As far as morals go, not darwin. Yeah the whole survival of the fittest concept is dandy and all, buuut it's not really moral. In order to be civilised there needs to be a moral law, and that moral law is defined by, dare I say it? the ten commandments. Well at least 7 of the 10.

What do you never want to experience?
chaffing haha, having my wisdom teeth removed, annnnd giving birth to octuplets.

What are your guilty pleasures?
kanye west, haha. I hate him, but i like some of his music. Also chick flicks, haha.

What do you hate?
flakes, being belittled, being nagged/babied, stress, victoria.

What time did you go to bed last night?
4am

how come?
too much was on my mind/couldn't fall asleep.

Who did you fight with last?
verbally? probably dan chow.. i havn't fought physically in a while, and it was probably with my brother.

When was the last time you cried?, and why?
yesterday, because of stupid shit and people.

What book are you reading right now?
Jack Kerouac's "On the Road", and Ralph Steadman's "The Joke's Over"... though i havn't really gotten too far with any of them.

Do you fall for people easily?
yeah.. i tend to.

Have you even been in love?
no

Are you in-love now? or falling in-love?
can't say that i am.

are you in a relationship?
nope

has someone put their arm around you in the past five days?
yup

have you kissed or hugged someone within the past 24 hours?
yup

Do you like to cuddle?
yes

Do you like anyone right now?
...not really

Why do you like this person?
wrong reasons, really.

What is this person like?
an ass, hah.

What do you want to do before you die?
all those cheesy things like having kids, and starting a family. As well as, visiting machu pichu, to walk all of the Great Wall of China, apply for my senior citizenship discount, annnd move to hong kong for a while.

What are some things that you can do without?
insecurities, really slow drivers, my weird paranoia about some things, having to do things

What do you like to do?
long talks, doing hair, painting, long walks, road trips, camping, showering

Are you an impatient person?
generally no. but it depends on the urgency

Are you a girly-girl or a tomboy?
i'm a good mixture of both.

Are you going anywhere next summer?
I would like to, but where to? I don't know.

Do you prefer to be by yourself or around others?
I most definitely prefer to be around others. but i do need my alone sometimes, rarely though.

What's the worst thing someone can do to you?
there are a few things, but making me feel unwanted is up there.

What do you think most people's first impressions of you are?
.. i don't know. That i look like a bitch maybe? or that i'm shy?

Ever kissed someone of the same sex?
haha, yes

Ever had a near-death experience?
it could have been but it wasn't.

Ever been unconscious?
about 3 times now.

When was your last hospital visit and why?
back in august, to visit my grandma

Ever been in an ambulance?
yes, but it wasn't for me.

Ever had sugery done?, what for?
Yes. getting a mole removed, mouth surgery

Do you want to see someone right now?
only to straighten some things out.

Do you believe in karma?
to an extent, yeah.

Do you have any bruises right now? from what?
yes, and i have no idea.

Do you believe in the death penatly?
i don't think anyone has the right to choice whether someone should live or die.

What friends do you tell the most to?
phoebe, and joce.

What are you looking forward to?
friday, for a couple of reasons.

What was your last realization?
that i'll never be the daughter that my parents want me to be, and that too often people walk in and out of my life.

Would you eat human flesh for money?
only if I hadn't known it was human flesh

2008-12-15T21:18:00.000-08:00

i don't get it. i don't get him.

i'm sooooo bummed right now. really bummed. I swear, i'm going to die alone and unhappy.

shit, i'm soooo done. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to look, i feel like I'm totaly undesirable.

i suck. and I just want to cry. life blows chunks.

i just want a decent boyfriend. I want a guy who is almost perfectly fine. The guys that I tend to like are fucked.

i just want guy that I can hold, that I can share my day with, that I can just call up and know he'll answer, and will not flake out on me.

is that TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

boys hate me, period.

this fucking sucks. and I suck. this is all my fault. i push people away. I don't act like i'm interested. i don't act desirable. I'm fucking disgusting, and that's who i am.

and apparently people can't accept that. people can't find that attractive, i don't blame them.

I'm so fucking disappointed in myself right now. I feel so let down. I hate myself. I hate who I am,i feel like such a prude when i talk to him. and I do not want it to be like that at all, but he just brings out that side of me.

I don't want to fuck him, cause' i don't want it to be that easy. I want to be in a relationship first, i want to have something first before just going all the way.

sorry i'm not skinny, sorry i'm not an intelectual, sorry that I just have nothing what-so-ever to offer anyone.

sorry I'm too nice, sorry that i just appease.

WHO THE FUCK AM I?, WHO THE FUCK HAVE I BECOME?

i'm stuck inbetween two type of people.

there's the side of me that's so-called bad. but i'm not bad enough to be considered totally bad.

and there's the side of me that's so-called innocent, but i'm not innocent enough to be considered totally inncocent.

and i think this is whre people find it difficult to deal with me. People arn't down with people they're don't know, or know how to read.

I do want to fuck guys, but not Jesse, and especially not because he wants it so bad. I don't want to give him what he wants the most.

i'm on a fucking low right now and it's probably because i've been at home so much. I really wish I had some fucking weed right now or even smokes.

i'm so done with being like this.

I'm done with being so embarassed by myself; i'm done with feeling this dissatisfaction with life; i'm done with having no fall backs.

i'm done with feeling so needy, i'm done with feeling so fucking high maintenance all the time.

i'm done. i'm so done. i wish I was someone else, as sad as that is.

i am the type of person that just NEEDS a lot of reassurance in her life. I dont want to be a prude, i swear. but for some reason i just can't help but sound like one anyways. :(

this fucking blows chunks. huge ass chunks. I have no confidence what-so-ever. I have no self esteem. I have nothing to offer anyone. I'm a bore and a half, unless i've known you and have gotten comfortable with you for about 4 years.

i feel like i'm doing everything for the wrong reasons. i feel like i only like jesse because he's giving me thatattention that i need right now. I feel liek i only like him because he's a guy. and I'm pretty desperate, and alone.

yeah i'm cute, and somewhat pretty.. but where is that going to get me in life? I feel so stupid lately. I feel like such a dumbass. I feel likei'm too fucking needy, and too fucking chill, and still have no fucking backbone.

i feel like I'm jsut there. i feel like i'm not memorable, what-so-ever. i'm predictable, i'm fat, i'm boring, i'm typical, i'm sarcastic, i'm easily intimidated, i'm way too contrived, i'm not creative, i'm just bits and pieces of everyone i know.

i'm not me. i'm not me at all. the me that i want to be, is someone who can jhust say whatever she wants. the me that I want to be is someone who is straightforward, who has a lot of confidence, who can just tell guys straight up that she has a thing for them, who can just full on mack out with guys.

not this timid piece of shit that I am.

i just wish victoria offered more amenities, especially amenities in the form of guys.

i'm so done. i'm done with "being me". i'm done with being a fake. i'm done with doing things for the wrong reasons. I just want to let myself go, but i just can't cause' I don't want to be a hussy, or be seen as a hussy.

I can't be like jamie, but honestly.. i'm jealous that she can be the way that she is and just not care. I'm jealous thatshe's not all that pretty, but yet can get guys. probably cause' she has a hot bod.

as for me, i'm flabby, and like i said i'm sarcastic. I have no personality. I have nothing. I have a nice rack, but barely. I have nice hair, but guys don't care.. and those that do are gay. I have a pretty face, but that's only nice to look at.

i'm desperate for change, for good change. i thought jesse was going to fill that void, but nope.

2008-12-14T01:55:00.000-08:00

I miss him.
I want it so that we're official- so that we're going out.

I want him to put his arms around me, and kiss me on my cheek; or just kiss me kiss me.

I want him to call me his, and I want to call him mine.

I want to lay beside him all day, in bed. I want to fall asleep in his arms, or just close to him.

I want to suck the fuck out of his neck, and give him a sweet hickey, haha.

I want to kiss im alll over.

but like i have said before, don't want to fuck him.

2008-12-12T17:32:00.000-08:00

I"M OUT OF SCHOOL!!

since wednesday! after my marketing exam.
I woke up at 10:30am yesterday, but stayed in bed until 12;30pm-1-ish.

I bleached my hair, and it's a brown-ish colour, i really like it. it still ah the blonde where it was before, just lighter all around.

i LOVEEEE it. but I think i may dye red over it, minus the blonde part. This brown makes me think that i look a lot older, cause' it's older looking, hahaha. oh god.

IREALLLLY want to go searching for tattoo places for my second tattoo.

2008-12-12T15:41:00.000-08:00

for some reason, i'm falling head over heels for him.

he has me, he really does.
but i don't really know. I don't know what our deal is. We hang out quite frequently, and when we don't hang out we text. He always asks me what i'm doing, annd always invites me over to his house- to blaze, obviuosly. haha

I wish we cuddled though, haha. :$

frick, I want to sleepover at his house again. I want this to progress.. but I don't want to just jump into things, and fuck him. I want it to start slow, I want him to mean it. I don't want t be just another girl, I'm not okay with that.

Well, he does want to go on a road tri.. and I'm pretty sure he watned to go this winter.. but I don't know.
I'm pretty freaked about driving in the snow, soooooo.
yeaaah.

Frick I want him, and I loooooooooooooooooove the amoutn of attentiont hat he is giving me. Like he always calls me to hang out, or this past weekend, I hadn't talked to him since fiday.. and he texted me on sunday night asking me how my weekend was, it was cute.

and he was like "do you have an exam tomorrow?"

and the day after he texted me "when does your exam end?"

and he wanted to hang out... but then he forgot about me, haha which makes me think hat he's not interested. I think i'm just overthinking this.

I don't think he's interested, I think he's just acting the way he would with anyone else.. cause' I don't really act ike I like him, except for that fact that I always hang out with him, and always drive him places.

but really, I don't think that I act that interested.. which sucks for me, but i don't really know how to act.. I'm oblivious when it comes to boys. I'm clueless, to say the least.

for some reason, I just can't act like I'm interested.. I feel like I'll dumb myself down if I act all flirsty and stuff. But I want to be able to, for some reason I just can't give myself away like that. I would act like that if I know for sure he's interested.. but I don't know.. I don't want him to know.. for some reason I never want them to know.

2008-12-08T01:13:00.000-08:00

i want you i wnt you i want you i want you i want you i want you.

i wish you wanted me.

or at least expressed that you want me.

i saw your ex today at hillside mall.
she's prettier in person then in pictures, by the way.

2008-12-08T01:06:00.000-08:00

i put my extensions back in. but i did them really badly, sooooo CLUMPINESS FTW!
hah.

whatever, i love the length, though I wish itwas longer. but i definiely love the thickness. :)

the winner's christmas party was alright.

I have my accounting final tomorrow, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to bomb it hardcore.

I definitely did not study as much as i needed to. I just need a break. like a two week break before I can do my exams.

but I just want my break to be all at one go, instead of short little breaks.

fuuuuuuuck mon, everyone has already hired everyone thy need, so no job for Jessica, i guess. :(

I REALLLLLY wanted to work in hair salon, bu frick i guess not? I havn't tried everywhere, but applying in hair salons is so nerve wrecking.

2008-12-03T20:52:00.000-08:00

to you know who:

I don't know what I think about you. Sometimes I just want to pounce on you, and sometimes i just want to be friends. I guess what I'm saying is that I just want you to be a stepping stone for me, i guess. I know it sounds liek I'm using you, and perhaps that may be the case, but really there's something about you that keeps drawing me in. I feel like you have a second agenda; I can't read you, at all.

You are unlike ANYONE I have EVER met in my life. Which makes me want you so much more; which I'm finding some comfort in; which is making me so intimidated, cause' it freaks me out that I may have to act like myself for once, and that me is boring.

I'm happy that you're calling me and wanting to hang out with me, but am i just a friend to you? What are we? I know it shouldn't be "labeled" butt I want to know my boundaries, I know that there are probably none with you.. but for me there are, I think. I find comfort in knowing that you could be calling that karley chick, but yet you call me to hang out, or whatever. I find comfort that if I wanted to fuck you, I could.. but I don't really want to slash I'm just not ready for that, slash I'm jsut REALL self consciuos.

You are sooooo far beyond me, and I neverrr know what to say to you. Which makes me feel put back a bit. But I love hearing your stories, i love hearing waht you have to say. I just wish I had an appropriate response for you, instead of just.."oh yeah?" or "oh really?" or "sweeeet" likefuccccck, hah.

I feel as though I bore you half the time, cause' I don't have anything smart to say. But that's only because I need time to think first, then give a response.. or have you express waht you feel first then come up with my own opinions.. or I'm just shy to say what I want.

I'm not like you, but you are opening me up, you are making me think more. But in contrast, I have not felt THIS self-conscious in a long time. I have not felt this "step back" in a lonnnnng time. It's like digression.

you are wild to say the least.

I feel like I would be comfortable sleeping beside you, and yet have a platonic relationship with you, and same goes with living with you.

Though, everytime I see you I just get this urge to go and make out with you, aha. but not until I look better.

I hope to find a guy like you someday, but someone that wont make me feel so belittled sometimes, or so shy, or so scared of saying waht I want, or being who i m.

I feel so stupid around you sometimes. Also, i fel as though you'e not interested in hearing waht I have to say, unless it's about guys, or sex or something that just appeals to you.

2008-11-30T17:10:00.000-08:00

this weekend has been one of the best i've had in a long while.

friday night, it was joce and richard's combine birthday thing at Nick Fletcher's house. It was kind of weird..but I was hella baked, soooo it was ALLL good. yeah know?

Michelle, Dexter, kayla and I went out for dinner first at El Greco's.. an when we were waiting for our food, we asked if we could go outside for a smoke, and we ended up hot boxing michelle's car in the parking of the restaurant, haha. annd before we went to El Greco,i was with Kayla and I rolled up a tiny joint an smoked it at Northridge, while kayla sat in the car. haha.

sooo I drove over to Nick's house, and met jocelyne outside and I told her that I was hella baked, and yeaaaaah. But then people igured out at Nick's anyways that I was baked, it's not that hard cause' my eyes are DEAD give aways.

they started to drink, and I ad called up jesse to hook michelle up with an 8th. So I left nick's to go to jesse's. but i old everyone that I had to go home early so that I could go for my blood test the next day. haha

anyways, I go tot jesse's and he's like yeah my friend will be here in a bit with your friend's weed.

but then a while came by, and his friend still isn't here. so he calls him up, and turns out that buddy isn't going to show up after all, so i call up michelle and gave her the news, she didn't really care cause' she didn't really want to get it afterall.

so jesse's like "do you have any more of that weed left?"
and so we rolled up a joint, and smoked it in his room.

then we watched tv for a while.

he then burnt out and passed out on his bed.

I was starting to burnt out like mad.. so it was like 1am and I got up and tried ot wake him up
i was like "yooooo.. YOOOO, Yooo"

and then finaly he wakes up, haha.

me: "yoo, i'm heading off now."
him: "oh okay"
so I start walking to the door and he's likke
"wiat what you're leaving?"

me: "yeahh, i'm passing out"
him: "so then pass out"

i looked at him, and sat back down on the chair, haha.

so he passed out again, and I passed out. His chair was so uncomfortable, it was one of those foldable beach chair, and so it was killing my neck, and i was not having a good night sleep. annd I woke up at 4:30am, being like FUUUUUUCCCCCCCk, haha cause' I couldn't sleep like that any longer.

but then he woke up, and he's like "yooo what's up with you sleeping in that chair"
me: "i don't know.."

him: "come sleep in my bed"
then he pulls off my jacket that I had thrown over me, then he grabs my arm and pulls me on to his bed, but he asked me to turn off the light before I got in to bed with him.

and we then passed out.

in the morning, i woke up to him kicking me or kneeing me in my bum, haha and him apologizing. but i didn't say anything.

I also REALLLLLLY had to pee, haha. but I didn't want to get up, but eventually i couldn't hold it in any longer, and I couldn't stop thinking about it which made it worst. Soooooooo i got up and went pee. When i got back we just laid there. and we talked and he put on some Ratatat.

haha then he was like "you looked pretty funny sleeping in that chair last night"
me: "fuck you"

at first i thought that he was sleeping in the nude, but then it turns out that he was sleeping in his boxers, haha.

fuck man, he's hot. I just wanted to make out with him, and just cuddle with him. But fuck.. I don't know.. i can't make those kind of moves. I wish he was more asertive.

i wish he would make the moves.

just so i know that he's feeling it too. but I don't want to fuck him.. not rigth nwo. even though losing my virginity isn't that big of a deal to me. I just don't want him to give me something. I want to make sure that he's clean.

But yeah, we just chilled in his bed, and he smoked some weed, and then we went to fantastico, and i drove him to work.

That night I called hi up again, andasked him to get an 8th for michelle. And so they met him, and it was so awkward, but watever

it's how it is.

I dropped off michelle and such, and drove back to jesse's. We watched tv, and just chilled for a bit. I had finished off my weed with michelle, and dexter that afternoon. I rolllled a big fatty.

from jesse's we went to his dealer, and he picked up.

"do you think your friend would care if I rolled a joint?"

me: "yeah probably"

him: "should I just take it anyways"

me: "haha sure"

dry, i know. but whatever people these days never tip their middle man, but you need to.

soo yeah i dropped him off at his friend's afterwards, and he's like "thanks for everything, you're a sweetheart"

and then watched me drive away.

I'm falling of this guy, and it's pretty hard.. but at the same time not really.

It's defintiely the cloest to a boyfriend that I've ever had. I've slept over at his house, for christ sakes. haha.

I've been spending so much time with him, he must know that i'm into him. Maybe I just produce this vibe that I'm not into guys, and would rather much be their friend instead. but that is most definitely not that case with the guys that I ususally hang out with.

and I wish that they would make the move. fuck.

fuck me and guyssss.

it's kind of pathetic, but eh.

i love guys, and i wish that they would feel the same way back?

i think maybe jesse thinks that i'm too gooood, like too innocent maybe.

but I told him that i stole, and he's like "who the fuck are you"

so like I am surprising him, like I know i'm not what he expected me to be. but yeah.. I don't know if it's enough though.

i don't know what to think about him, like i want him but I don't know if I want him want him.. i don't know.

yeaaah..

fuck maaaaaannnnn.

2008-11-25T21:15:00.000-08:00

i feel like complete shit.
i can't help but think that i'm hopeless.

lik I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. \
i'm in dire need of some amenities.

i feel so down right now.
i need comfort.

i don't want to do anything ight now.
fuck this sucks.

i just feellike crying. I'm so scared of tomrrow.

i hate myself right now. i hate the way i look, i hate the way i act, i hate how i can't understand the simplest things.

I don'thave any confidence what-so-ever. i don't know hw to present myelf.

this fucking sucks. I wish I had smeone to talk to right now. I wish I was more open,i wish i didn't have so many walls built.

I want to feel wanted.

2008-11-22T12:59:00.000-08:00

i'm tired of me, and dreading everything before i attempt it.

i'm sick of me freaking and it being the reasn why it has postponed wahteve i want to do.

i over analyze everything.
fuck me, and how i am.

2008-11-21T02:13:00.001-08:00

im' pretty sure he just considers me as a friend.
well i almost know for a fact.

i'm probably too "innocent" for him.

sorry that I don't want to fuck a guy who's been with an escort.

2008-11-18T23:08:00.001-08:00

i just don't think that you get it, at all.
that's it's been you all along.

------------------------------------------------------------------

i've been hanging out with Jesse a lot lately. And, I still don't know what to think of him.

he's so intense, but I like it and i don't. He's so blunt. It's nice but it's intimidating. I get pretty bad anxiety when I do hang out with him. We spent 6 hours together today.

I never know what to say to him. I know he doesn't judge.. but i just don't know.
The stuff that he wants to talk about is so intense, and i don't really have a formed opinion about it. I just feel pretty incompetitent i guess, in his stndards.

all he ever wants to talk about is girls, and how he can't get any. When in reality i am a girl that he can easily get, but he is obviously not interested.

I feel like I have not much of an ego left. Everything that I work so hard in, never seems to meet my standards. But then again i never try that hard.

I feel like a fly trapped in a jar. I feel i just exist, and frankly I don't want to just feel like that. I want to feel better about myself. I want to feel wanted.

Maybe I always just come off as if I'm not interested, but I guess i'm just THAT afraid of rejection. I'm THAT afraid of them having the upperhand on me.

cause' tht's what means the most to me, love and feeling wanted.

I don't want them knowing that I like them because I'm scared taht they'll use that against me. or that it would dent whatever we have/had. Cause' that's the only thing that I can't fake my way out of- feelings. Well, apparently i can.

I'm just scared. but right now, I just feel like I'm fucking pathetic. I feel like no one wants me. I feel like I always have my cahnce, but then it has gone too far for anything to really happen anymore. I'm just way to analytical about everything.

I just feel like I NEED to have everything mapped out. I'm just so used to being made fun of, that it has become so habituated of me tohave everything pre-planned or mapped out. Likeconvesations. or for me to steal someone's ideas.

I'm scared to vocialize my opinions to people cause' i'm scared that they're not going to like me. But i don't want to care anymore.I don't want to give a shit. I want to do what i want for me. Not for anyone else.

I quite aware of the fact that I'm not physically attractive, and when guys talk about girls' i get so self-conscious. I get so pushed away.

So when Jesse just talks about girls, I just stay quiet. i never have an answer. It's the fact that I feel humiliated by my presented physical disposition, and the fact that i just don't know what to say.

i'm sick of just exisitng.

2008-11-17T13:36:00.000-08:00

how can you be yourself when yo uhave no identity?

2008-11-11T16:36:00.001-08:00

i'mmmm coming home to you
for the first time in a while
but im not bringing any goods news with me

2008-11-10T17:02:00.000-08:00

i don't know what to do
i'm fed up with m internet.

this week is going to be the most slckest yet busiest. I have so much shit to do :( and my internet is peventing me from doing most of it. -_-"

i'm too lazy to go anywhere else really. i'm pathetic.
yeahah.

so I doin't really know what to do about ichelle. she knows that i'm mad at her. she knows that i'm agitated at the fact that she's nglecting our friendship.

I do try and see her, but she's too busy wit dexter or ashley or miguel, or she's at work. And hoesntly just fuck it. Not worth putting the effort in.

I don't want to get her anything for her birthday. I don't wnat to be putting in the effort if she's not going to be giving back. I don't want to care about her anymore. Her attitude is stanky, and she's such a little princess, a little princess who owes me $50.

we'\re both at this stage in our lives where we just don't want to be where we are, but it's just how things are. we don't have the money to move, and we're just too lazy.

2008-11-10T15:22:00.000-08:00

fermented stains.

sooooooo. my doctor has been off work for about 2 weeks now, and it's about to trigger me off.

i most definitely spent $400 in Vancouver on Saturday/Sunday.

kayla and i shopped til' we dropped.

i almost got caught being a klepto. almost shat myself, but luckily it was just my shirts. i almost cried.

all i want, is to find love. but for some reason i can't let myself go. i can't let someone THAT important into my life, and for some reason i'm always scared of them knowing.

it's cause' i'm okay with them being okay wih the person that i'm making fun of, i'm okaywith them knowing the one that'sjust fun..

butwhen it's serious me, and real me i'm scared they're going to reject me. i'm scared tha they're going to get pu toff, and leave.

that's why i'm always ajusting to the peopl i'm around. I've changed so much that I don't even know who i am. I'm scared of them liking the real me, cause' i'm scared that they wont like it.

i'm terrified.

2008-11-06T22:44:00.000-08:00

i really think that i need to go see my doctor soon.

i want to get help.

i want to try medication, i'm willing to try anything to get me happy.

yes, i need to depend on something or someone.

but i cannot start to think about burdoning anyone with my problem.

i'm so unsatisfid, and i'm so unhappy. i wishthat life was a bit more worth living for.

i want to lose weight, i'm sick of my body.

myabe medication will help with tht.

i'm so unhappy. i'm so sad. i'm s alone. i'm so hopeless, and worst of all i just don't want to be here anymore.

i wish i had an incentive. i just don't want to put forth the effort.

2008-11-06T22:37:00.000-08:00

I see flashes of your sky blue eyes,
and it rounded up al hope that was within me.

change, change, and change...

but it is what it is, and how it do is gonna be how it's done.

2008-11-05T13:56:00.000-08:00

NUMERO 600! WOOOOOOOO

Your dignity is hanging with nothing but self righteous self doubt, which has caused hated maidens to join contrived work forces because they couldn't capture your love.

Causing their latter days spent loathing lousy laments,
during a time where conscription crises are condoning compulsive consumptions.
and simple machines are making malicious movements, which are making mass massacres seem meek.
Like a singing song-nation sending their suspicious sacrilegious saints to sell their sacred spies to save the sentimental sounds of your spoken whispers, but only to find that you, as their soul mate, have moved on.

So, if clouds are formed from one man's hands, then this must be going according to plan.
This is not some tainted tongue twisting fairytale told in a stack of thinned-out-sheets. Rather, it’s a pre-planned humble alibi that you could tell your children in the coming of days; it is your sad excuse to hang your dirty laundry and blame it on the plan.

2008-11-04T00:41:00.000-08:00

what if daddy told youto save private ryan? would you take on the task of being the one?

what if you were the only hope left for civilization?; and, What if you were the only foundation for grounding morality? would you take responsibility for the fault of the human kind?

What if you left, and all hope for a civilized world disperse, and savagery dominates? would you pour salt in the wound by becoming the leader?

what i'm trying to get at is, would you die for your world? would you proudly leave it and be completely satisfied? or would you die in humliation because of such events like guantanamo bay, or apartheid?

how can we pretend as if there's nothing happening. how can we sit back and witness such outrage?

we need for change, but change is progressing slowly.

2008-11-03T19:15:00.000-08:00

66792kq

kayquan's pw for camlink.

2008-11-03T00:03:00.000-08:00

i am a type of girl who has big dreams, and talks big. but really am a pansy.

'm a hypocrite. i talk shit about everyone, and anyone. I'm a sell out. I'm pretty. I have a good medium level of self-esteem, but sometimes it's rather low.

i'm pretty innocent in comparison to some, but also am not in comparison to many others.

i'm pathetic when it comes to dating guys. I've never, and that's what so pathetic about it. I'm better at being their friend, then their object of attraction.

i hate the way my body looks. bu there are parts of it that I do like. i like how I'm pretty much equally porportioned.

I love my hair, and my face, and hence why those two are the most focused on by me.

currently, i craze attention from guy's. it's probably because I've never had that kind of attention on me before, it's always been on my best friends.

recently, i've undergo a chage. I have become a bit mre outspoken about a bit of everything. and the school counsellor has diagnosed me with a mild case of manic depression. In theory i have almost become the person hat I have wanted to be.

I'm more confident, i'm more of who i am and want to be. I stnad up for myself, i have a backbone. but i have becomemore bitter, and more angry. I'm more unhappy, when in theoryi should be more happy.

i'm not as socially awkward anymore, but i dont' really know how to make small talk.

2008-11-02T23:20:00.001-08:00

HAJHJKAJHLKJHAKLJHJKLH

and just when audacius moments obliterate your every movement, you seem to realize that I exist.

so mister all-knowing tell me, how am I suppose to fulfill my life
"well what do you mean?", he replied
"well.. I mean, how am I going to fully live when there's so much wrong?, when I can't even be happy with myself?; when, doubt and second-guessing is mother nature?"

"you need to overlook what's bringing you down; you need to stop dwelling, and be able to realize that you are appreciated in this life"

i can't seem to see the brighter side, even though it's like a spot light pointed at my face.

"you need to unhabituate your pessimism, and instead, flaunt what you have always wanted to do with no worries and no doubt"

2008-10-31T00:41:00.000-07:00

i want him soooooooooooooo bad.

i really don't want to lose this one.

2008-10-31T00:39:00.001-07:00

so i went to talk to the counsellor at school, my intention for that meeting was to find out whether or not if i am clinically depressed. He doesn't think i am, but he does think that I may have manic depression.

so i'm going to make an appointment to go see my doctor about it.

2008-10-26T14:01:00.000-07:00

i just want guy's attention right now, it's kind of pathetic, but it's how i want things right now.
I want to buy more girlie clothes, I want to start dressing nice. I want to be noticed, I'm done with being so self conscious.

i'm done with having low self esteem. I want to be confident.

I want to look good. I want to start working out. i want to loose weight. I want to be more active.

but i just feel like I have no time or enegery.

i feel like i just have a pretty face adn that's all that i have going for me in a first impression situation.

i'm kind of socially awkward. I'm a bit contrived when it comes to small talk. I never know what to say.

but wahtever I need to change my ways.

2008-10-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

i want to be with him.
i want him to put his arm around me; i want to just stare at him all day.
I want to laugh with him; i want to get to know him.
i want to feel his embrace; i want to be happy.
I want to feel needed; I want to feel love or something close to it.
i want to have smeone to lean on;

2008-10-21T22:09:00.000-07:00

i don't know what to do.

i really like this guy name Jesse deggan. He's in my english class, and is basically my motivation to go to that class, haha.

I don't know, there's something different about him. I love guys that looks/acts like an asshole but really arn't. but are just chill, and he's one of them.

He looks like tough shit, but he knows his english shit. ahha. He looks like a trdes guy, but is doing business. He's awesome, and i think he's pretty good looking, haha.

I've been hella creeping him n facebook.

i feel like i am eating myself alive. I'm beating myself down, in order for me to feel bette about myself.

2008-10-21T13:13:00.000-07:00

senseless glory

redeeming prize.

tasteless.

i really don't know what I want anymore. I have everything in place. What now?! What do I want now? it's only a matter of how i want things to be. I have the power to either terminate or redeem. But I don't know what I want.

I'm sick of choosing. I'm sick of picking sides.

I'm sick of this perpetual feeling of being stuck.

I'm getting pretty anious about my appointment, and i just made it. I almost backed out at the very last minute, of making the appointment. I'm scared. They would be telling me eveything that I already know, and that scares me to no ends. But really, in order for this all to be alright, I need to get help. I need to.

it feels like the puzzle pieces are finally being put into place but yet I have this lot of space of everything bad, and it's become such a custom for me t fall back onto and blame all reasons of me feeling like total and utter shit on it, and to get caught up in it.

I miss painting. It's how i would want to base my life.

start off with a draft, or a sketch, then project it. Fix up anything that needs to be fixed before finally painting it. Once I start painting, I would have total control but yet there's room for improvement, and room to ask for help.

i'm defintieyl procrastinating to do this. svwet.

2008-10-21T12:41:00.000-07:00

first step is to admit it right?
i just called the counslling centre and have booked an appointment. I was hoping for something this week, but that is not the case.

2008-10-20T14:28:00.000-07:00

am i really feeling better about this?
or am i just avoiding something bigger?

i met up with maery, joce, and phoebe on friday at starbucks. After that meeting I felt like shit. And I felt like ihadn't justified the whole situation. I was pretty pissed that they chose to meet at starbucks of all places. So i thought if they weren't going to care as much then i'm just going really baked, and that i did.

it didn't end well at all, and it left me unsettled.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to cry, I wanted to shout, I wanted to go home and sleep, I wanted to be happy? I thought that that would do me justice, an make me feel better. but I ended up coming out of there looking like a bitch, and the bad guy.

that is not what I wanted at all, in all honesty I wanted them to feel like the bad guys; I wanted them to feel like shit, and pleading for my forgiveness (but not really), I wanted a mutual agreement to end it.

they want to keep trying. they want to fight.

i told them that we need our distance for a while. I need to think about it.

I just blanked out, and didn't know what to say. I didn't have anything to say. I was baked and just shot blanks. It was pathetic, and it was basically me just sittingthere, and them sitting there in silence. I couldn't look at them.

I lost all train of thought, I lost all my points.

I thought that I had every reason for what i was doing, but I couldn't think of them.

So the next day, I texted Phoebe asking where she was. She texted me back saying that she was at work but we could meet for lunch. I met up with her at McDonald's. From there we wenbt over to Royal Oak school. As soon as I saw her I started to tear up.

We sat on the feild, and tried to re-explain myself. I bawled my eyes out, and I told her how I have been feeling for the past year or so.

I couldn't look at her. I didn't have enought tact. I didn't have enough courage. She thinks that I may be clinically depressed, and that I should see a doctor, and I think I'm going to take her up on that. Cause' I really do think that I"ve been depressed for the past 4 years or so, but it has been only off and on, but recently it's been mnore than just off and on. It's been 24/7 and it has been affectig my life. It has taken over me, and I'm no longer the Jessica everyone knew and loved, I'm just a sarcastic little bitch, who acts like a little know it all. I'm repulsive and not fun to be around anymore.

My fault is that when people try to get close to me I put on this automtic shield, and I push away everyone I love.

My fault is that i've been so self dependent that it has caused me to be fearful and put up a front when one tries to enter into my life.

My fault is that I prefer to bottle things up or take it up with my blog instead of confronting the people, who talking about it wiht people who are suppose to be my best friends. But I never felt like any of them were my best friends, cause' I never felt like they were putting in as muhc effort as I was. I never felt like they felt the same way.

My fault is that I run away; is that I ignore waht's right infront of me, but try to deal with it at the same time. Things don't tend to "click" with me, rather I know that it's there, but it doesn't hit me. It's never been like "BAM". But rather, "oh okay".

After Phoebe and I met up we went back to mcDonalds and she bought me lunch. I'm glad that they can be so understanding, and that they can wait for me. But I feel bad for them. I feel bad that I have put this situation on the table and have not been fully able to explain it. I just felt like I was being attacked. I felt liek I was ready to talk but when it came down to it I wasn't.

I really wanted something to happen, but it jsut turned out to be something worst. I do'nt know what I want. I don't know how I want them to change. I don't have the answers to these questions. Time and time again this has happned to me, numeous of times.

More and more each day I consider talking to a counselor.

I hope things turn out for the good. I still want to talk to them, and hang out with them. But I don't know if I want to do it as much. And I don't know if I want to be best friends iwth them. I don't want them to change because I've told them this, and I don't want to become try-hards.

2008-10-16T12:29:00.001-07:00

RIP Toni Lemire,
She died on October 13, 2008, of a heart attack.

2008-10-15T19:34:00.002-07:00

finally, i get t choose my courses.

this is my schedule
Monday: 12:30-1:20 ECON102, 1:30-3:20 BUS120
Tuesday: 8:30-10:20 Acct140, 1030-1120 BUS141, 1230-120 BUS130
Wednesday: 1030-1220 ECON102, 130-320 BUS120
Thursday: 830-1020 ACCT140, 1030-1220 BUS141, 130-220 BUS130
Friday: 930-1120 COOP100

2008-10-15T00:42:00.001-07:00

i want to start a new life, i want to be a new me.

i want to give up everything that i have to justify my choics, to be finally true to myself.

it's usually hard letting go of things or people taht have been so grounded in your life. But none of which have impacted me, or have left apparent imprints. none of which, would leave me in a pit of despair. None of which would leave me sad and depressed.

I'm done being the lonely little loaf that I have been for the past while now, I need to stand my ground, and just be me.

but why am I still feeling like shit? Why has by reading their letters brougt me to tears?

is it because of some realization that has not occured to me?

I want to be heard, and I want to go out with a bang. I'm done, and I just don't know what to do now. I still feel stuck, I still feel like I'm spinning in circles. But I feel a slight onward movement from where I was a week ago. I feel like I have the confidence to stand up for me, to think about me for once. But I just feel like I'm doing this in the utmost disgusting way possible. I feel lik there's no chance given, but that's how I want it to be. It appeases me.

I'm done with being unhappy, but what now? there's no fireworks, there's no congratulation ceremony, there's nothing. It's just me and me. But i do feel lighter, but I know there's always something ther.

I know that this can be resolved until it's over, o unti lI'm genuinely happy.

I don't want to make this into one big deal, or have them be like "are you okay? are you okay? are you okay?" it's just like, leave me alone.

I don't know, I'm high fucking maintenence. I want this to be final, i want them to uindestand how it feel slike to be dropped. To feel like they're not needed, I need to know that they're going through waht i'm going throuh. I need to know that this is killing them. It's sad how I'm feeling more content because of thoughts like these. I'm twisted.

All good times were past times. I'm sick of appeasing people, or have others appease others for the sake of not hruting feelings.

I'm done with hanging out in groups, I'm done with trying to pretend somehting. I'm done with being unsatisfied. I'm done. I want to be out, I want to go, I want to be.

it just is the way it is.

i know blazing all the time is bad, but I don't do it vry much anymore. I know smoking is bad, but whatever it makes me content, it's puttng my anger somewher else. I know that being angry is not healthy, but there's no obvious solution for that.

I don't want a fight,i want a mutual agreement.

Im' done with being the mother figure at home, and I'm done being mothered outside of my home.

I'm done with assumptions, and I"m done with being so stressed all the time.

I'm done with being unhappy. I'm done. I'm so done.

I'm sorry that I AM pathetic, I'm sorry that I have become dumb, I'm sorry that I don't want to try anymore. I'm sorry that I hve given up on you all, I'm sory that I was the best friend that you will ever have. I'm sorry that I can't express myself to you all. I'm sorry that i'm such a fool as to believe that you guys would do the same for me.

I'm done with dealing with people who only think about themselves.

2008-10-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

My letter to Maery, Joce, Phoebe:
hey guys,

I would like to start this off by apologizing for skipping out on Saturday, I`m sorry.

i'm sure that most of you have noticed a change in my attitude, and just behavioural wise. There's two ways that I can approach this the first way would be my usual way of just stringing a bunch of excuses, and bullshit my way through, or the second way I can just be honest. Frankly, I'm done with lying.

For about a year now, I have been unhappy with where I am at. I'm just really agitated being in Victoria. Nothing seems to be making me happy anymore. I have nothing to look forward to. Yes, that's also including you guys. I'm not happy with my friendshp with you all. I feel so unappreciated most of the time. I feel like I'm just there, nothing else. I do have fun some times, but really who are we kidding? I don't really belong. I can't even tell you guys about half the shit that I do because I know you guys would be like "aww jessica you know that that's bad for you.. blah blah blah" and frankly I don't need a mother figure telling me what's what. I know that I'm damaging myself, I know that I'm being self-destructive, but honestly it's making me a bit more content then what I am, and if it makes me feel good, then so be it.

I don't even know what or who i've become. All I know is that I'm changing for the good, but I'm just doing it in a bad way. I'm sick of not being able to say shit to you guys. I'm sick of being stuck. I'm sick of crying all the time. I'm sorry that I have become so pathetic, but this who I am right now. I'm tired of having drama follow me left right and center. I'm sick of always trying to appease everyone. I feel like I need to focus on myself now, cause' when has it ever been about me?

I'm sorry that I've been so erratic lately, and have become such a flake. I'm sorry that this hadn't been said earlier. I'm sorry that I've become a hypocrite.

I'm sick of helping people all the time, and not getting the help in return. I know that friendships shuldn't be based on how much we do for each other. But it does get put into account when someone can't return a little favour. I feel like I'm getting stepped on, and I'm done with that. Maybe it' because of my upbringing, or mayeb it's because I'm just scared of losing friends. But right now, I don't care if I do lose friends, cause' they would be friends that won't be meaning much to me.

I can't keep on trying to make something work that isn't working. I don't want to keep holding on to dead weight anymore.

It's just little things that agitated me like, having to call people all the time to hang out. I know you guys call me every so often, but for a while it was just me calling every time. I'm sure you guys just assume that I'm hanging out with Michelle, but still it's not much effort to call anyways.

I didn't bring this up earlier because I hate mentioning things to people and then have them change. It just feels more genuine when they change in realization, not because of a push.

You would think that after 5 years of being friends we would be best friends by now, I wish that that was the case because I feel so alone all the time. I am done with bottling things up, or go crying to one of my stupid online blogs.

I know you may be asking, why on facebook? I was going to wait until the next time that I see you guys to bring this up, but I couldn't wait anymore, or know when the next time would be. Also, no one needs me bringing shit up infront of other people. No one needs to see me cry, and make an ass of myself. Yeah, I am a pansy for doing it over the internet, but it`s out and about, and that's really all the matters right now.

I don't really want to talk about this. I just needed to get this out.

thanks.

Maery's Response:
Jes,

I apologize ahead of time for talking about this if you really don't want to.

I have to start off by saying how shocked I am by this..
Over the last few weeks (and especially after we talked at your place) I knew that you were getting overloaded with stress from school and Michelle and Kayla, but I didn't realize that we were the problem.. It makes sense that you haven't so much been busy with Michelle as just avoiding us, which kills me..

I definetly understand not bringing it up in groups, which so much of the time is how we all hang out, and I get that facebook is easier, I do wish that I had known about this earlier.

As I am writing this I am trying to understand all of the feelings you wrote to me. Some of them, like the being stepped on and taken for granted, are things I never associate with you. If they include things like haircuts and driving and stuff like that, they have nothing to do with my wanting to be with you.

I really wish you felt you could talk to me about stuff, I have always known that feeling was there, and maybe there was a wall or somthing but I dont have any idea what it is. I am never going to pretend to be happy about you being self destructive, because if I was laughing about you doing something truly dangerous for yourself then what kind of friend does that make me. But even so, I am not judging you when I act concerned, and I still want to be involved in what's going on with you in any circumstance regardless of what I personally think of the act itself. I am really sorry if I acted like I didn't want to know, because I did, and do. Some of the things you and Michelle are into, you know that isn't me, but I want to be here for everything else.

I don't feel like this is a push to me, because all along I have cared about you, and felt like I was appreciating you. But if I wasn't doing it properly, which is the point here, than I do have to change something, and that doesn't mean making up good intentions just to make you feel better, it means that I need to understand what was wrong and how to fix it. Because you mean to much to me (and I know for a fact everyone else) to let this just sit, to let you feel this horrible.
I dont know if you feel like people arent calling you when they hang out...just for the sake of not calling you because that does not happen. And when they do call you, they aren't calling for anything other than your presence.

I want to make sure that I don't generalize any of your feelings.. I don't want to say that I can relate to some of them because then you might feel belittled and that is not what I mean at all. This intensity is ringing loud and clear to me and I need you to believe that I want you to talk to me, to know that you belong, and to feel like others are putting in as much effort as you are.

That being said. I agree that our friendship isn't as strong as it should be by now. When have either of us shared very much with each other? I have so much fun with you and I know that I care about you immensely, but I also feel that we don't know each other very well comparatively and that means that we have never fully been there for each other. Maybe because we always had Joce and phoebe there to buffer us actually getting to know each other in a best friend way, or that I felt you had so much more in common with them than with me, and so you were probably only there to hang out with them. That particular feeling has lessened in the last year or so, but clearly we still are far away from where we should be.

You are a lot better at expressing yourself in writing then I am, so I hope you are bearing with me.

Your message reads like, I am telling you this isnt working and its over...
But Jes, I can't deal with that. I love you and I want you to be happy but I don't believe that you can't be happy with me as your friend. I need to know how it can work so that our friendship isn't "dead weight".

I don't know what else I can say through a computer. I am sure that Phoebe and Joce are writing to you as well or will be soon. I want you to take whatever space you need right now, if any, but if you don't respond within a few days of getting this I am definitely going to call you. We need to hang out and really talk about this, whether you would see us individually or together, which ever way you want.

I love you

joce's response:
Jessica,
I know you said you didn't want to talk about it but im sorry, I can't just let you say that and walk away and out of my life, or where ever it is you are trying to go. Obviously I can't make you keep hanging out with me if you really don't want to and are just done with me and our freindship, but I love you, and im going to do whatever I can to keep you as a freind. I'm taking this alot more seriously than anything that ever happened with Maery or Devon because you are not the type of peron to say something like this for attention, or to get what you want, I know you arent doing that, and thats what is so scary about the whole thing.

Jessica I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel used and unappreciated. You give alot, i'm aware of that. You drive me places, cut my hair and are always willing to sacrifice sleep, or whatever to be there for your freinds. Thats something thats really amazing about you, but if being that kind of person makes you feel like thats the only reason that people are hanging out with you then I am so glad that you are going through this change that you are going through because you need the oppertunity to see that thats not true. If you couldnt drive, if you never cut my hair, im being completely honest when I say that it wouldnt change anything, I would still love you alot and want to spend time with you. I'm sorry if I havn't communicated that you very well in the past. I always had alot of really over sensitive people on my plate, and I think it may have made me group people into two categorys, one category that holds people who need to be coddeled and everything always watched and sugar coated, and the other category holding people who require no effort, and things are always light and easy with. Its a fault of mine that I do this, i'm trying to stop thinking of people like that, because really everyone has emotions and needs to be taken care of once in a while.

Another fault of mine that may have lead to you feeling this way for so long is my tendancy to avoid conflict of any kind. I knew you werent ok, theres been lots of times in the past few months when we are hanging out in a group of four or five where you are just silent, and obviously not ok, and instead of taking you aside and trying to deal with it I always tell myself its family stuff, or stuff with other people, and that you will talk to me if you need to. But thats not the case, all this time its been me that you have been having the problem with. I'm sorry that we couldnt talk about this before it became such a big deal.

I don't know what to say, because this situation is something that is not new to me, and i'm always on this side of it. My old best freind fom elementary school, she had these feelings, obviously Devon suffered with this kind of stuff for years, Maery as well, and even Phoebe on occasion. I want to say im sorry, and i'll fix it, but I don't know even know how to start. Its never intentional ever. I love you, I love every one of my freinds who have had this problem, I don't want to make you feel like this, and I also really don't want to lose you as a freind. So im going to do everything in my power to make those two things a reality, but I need to know what you think of it all, if you are willing to give it another chance or not.

I'm not talking about keeping everything the same, because honestly things arent the same. This sounds cheesy, but we arent in highschool anymore, we can't just rally everyone together after school and hang out every day in big groups. We arent all living the same lives anymore, all these different things we are doing, and people we are meeting are changing us, we are all growing into ourselves a bit more. I believe that, but I also believe that we still need connections to our old lives, our old selves, I don't want to lose all our memorys and the chance to make new memorys. Maybe the big group hangout thing isnt as satisfying as it used to be. I think if freindships are going to work then smaller groups and one on one time is really going to have to happen. Because like you said, you don't tell me about half of your life, what kind of freindship is that if you feel like you can't even tell me about the new important things that are happening in your life.

That is something I can see and feel and try to change. I won't mother you if you don't want me to. I just want you to know that whatever I said, however I acted it was always because I love you. And i'm not going to lie to you and tell you im super pumped that your developing these self destructive habits, but I know you know what I think and from now on i'll keep it to myself. I'll always listen to you if you need to talk and even if its not something I would want for myself I still want to hear about these new things you are doing, how you are feeling, im sorry if you didnt know that I would want to talk about that stuff, because I would.

In the last few months Ive noticed you becoming a bit more sarcastic, a bit more withdrawn, and really recently as in the last few weeks its become alot more apparent. I thought it might be because of the whole Simon thing, I thought you were mad at me because you thought I was a huge asshole for doing this. I didnt bring it up, I didnt want to have to try and justify myself because there is nothing I can say. I'm really really trying to make everything work with Phoebe, its not perfect, nothing is perfect but it seems to be going more or less ok now, and it was just too much, to be putting that much effort into trying to solve the problem and to be thinking that you someone who was outside of it all was mad at me for it without even asking to hear my side of the story. Its also one of the reasons that I have been kind of self absorbed recently, some really intense stuff has happened and ive been putting everything I have into trying to make those things work.

But were talking about more then the last couple of weeks, I suppose there is no excuse for this past year, I can only say what I have said to try and explain my side of things, but really all I can say is that I love you and I want to keep on spending time with you.

We can talk about it, we can try and forget about it with the understanding that we are going to try and make things work, whatever you want. I just don't want to lose you as a freind.

But its in your hands, you are going through this big change, its your life that you are shaping. Just please let me know how I can be apart of it.
Joce

From Phoebe:

I agree with many of the things you say:

Yes you are changing, and for the most part very much for the good. I have watched you grow into a more confident, strong person since we first met. It is so important to stand up for yourself, and be yourself, and be in situations where you feel good. It is important to be able to say no, and tell people what's what, and stick up for yourself. This is all true, and very good for you.

What kills me is that you don't see how much I love and appreciate you.

I can't believe it doesn't seem like it to you. Clearly, it is a fault of mine for not saying it enough or not showing it enough, but I value you so much. Jessica, you are one of my best friends of all time. I love talking to you, about everything. I value your opinions, I respect you when you need to talk, I tell you about all the big issues in my life. I love when we go shopping for dresses. I love our late night drives and talks. I love when we get scared, and when we get hysterical, and when we watch awful chick flicks together. I love how we always seem to have the same views on things. I'm so comfortable around you.

I love you so fucking much, and I am ashamed that I was a big part of the problem for you in the last little while. I could tell you weren't doing too good, but I guess I was arrogant in thinking it didn't have to do with me.

You are not an outcast in our group. We all love having you around. You are so fun, and smart, and funny, and chill, and serious and such a good person to be around. I feel guilty at how surprised I am that you don't see how much we value you... I should have seen, but it just always seemed like such a good dynamic. Jessica, I love you so much. I wish I could make you see that.

As far as these specific issues go, such as you not wanting to be mothered... Jessica, I would never tell you what to do, or how to live your life. I get a little worried for all my friends that get into anything like drugs or alcohol, but I wouldn't tell you to stop, not ever. The closest I would get to that would be suggesting cutting back, but only because I care so much. I have watched people fall into drug-related stupors. More than once. I can't help but be worried about everyone, just a little. But I wouldn't mother you about it; to be perfectly honest, I love smoking pot with you. Some of the best highs I've ever had have been with you, when we are laughing SO hard. You know the times I mean.

And calling... I hardly call anyone ever. I really actually have most of my friends on my case about that all the time. Please don't feel snubbed by me, not ever, for something like that. Half the time if I call someone, it's to ask them something.

I understand why you hadn't said anything earlier. I know the feeling of not wanting things to change because of guilt or whatever; how it's better for people to come around on their own. But sometimes, you have to say something. I wish you had said something, I wish I knew. I love you so much, and it's painful to see how negatively I have affected you.

It was so much fun a few summers ago, when you and Joce and I would hang out all the time, all night, eating pizza and making up stupid inside jokes, but we have all become so busy. Being busy is no excuse for neglecting friends. But I work full time, you are in school all the time. You are stressed constantly and I am depressed constantly. It does feel like we hardly see each other, but Jessica you are one of the people I see most. And you have no idea how much our ridiculous back and forth texts make my day. All the time.

Your message sounded so final, which scares the hell out of me. Jessica, it was wrong of me to think things were so incredibly good between us when obviously they weren't. I felt like our friendship was strong, and like I said you are one of my best friends; one of the best I've ever had. I apologize if I haven't been that for you. But Jessica, I am not giving up that easily.

If you have just decided we're a miserable lot and that you never want to see us again, maybe you would know best. But I don't want to let our friendship just die like that. It would kill me. I try to be a good friend, and value and respect those I love so much, but I have been told before that I am a failure at this; what can I do? Tell me what I can do. I am who I am, and if that isn't enough, it's going to really hurt me to lose you, but I want to make this work. I love you so much. I love you so much.

I don't take you for granted. If you think I do, then you don't see how much I value you.

I don't know what else I can say, but you have to understand that I mean it with all my heart. I wouldn't say any of it if I didn't mean it.

I chose to reply over facebook so that you can read and reread what I have written here, and make your own choices.

But Jessica, I love you so much. You are a huge part of my life. Part of who I am is because of you.

I don't want this to end.

2008-10-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

I feel so relieve now. i feel like everything is out in the open. I feel like my pallete has been wiped clean. I feel so cleansed. I feel better. ALSO! I got 93% on my Excel Exam, WOOOOOOO which as like THE best thing thatIve heard.

Well technically i got 68.1% but then Pevec gave us an extra 25% because of the numerus gliches that occured throughout the exam.

for example, the exam was suppose to be and hour and 15 but it was only an hour and no one finished it on time.

but yeee, I'm suppose to meet up with bethany tonight, and have a study sesh for our accoutning midterm, but she has yet to call me.

2008-10-13T18:57:00.001-07:00

i think have finally found an emotional attachment to music.

i love love love LOOOOOOOVE instrumental music.

i love intrumental john Frusciante, I love Magic Hour by Eplosions in the Sky, I love Ratatat!

it just clicks iside of me.

2008-10-13T18:54:00.001-07:00

i'm pretty sure that i'm back on my A game for bleaching my hair! wooooooo! it's about time.

i love how by damaging my hair it makes me feeeeeel so much better!
i love it.

2008-10-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

more and moer each day, i consider getting a counsellor.
but i don't know how i would feel about that.

i don't like setting up appointments. I would like it if i could just walk in an have someone there.

but i know that it's pretty naive to believe that they'll just do that. I know unless it's an emergency. which i don't think that this is.

2008-10-13T13:37:00.000-07:00

i dont' know who i have become.

i don't even know if I would like me if I met me right now.
I feel like i wouldn't. I'm cranky as hell all the time, and I'm so moody.
I'm a spaz, and I'm a bitch.

I'm also a flake these days.

i ate flakes. who have i become?!

who the fuck am i? i feel like I am changing in a good way, but i'm doing it in a bad way.

I just want to drop people, and just walk away. I finally want ot think about me, but I don't want ot be selfish in the way that I go about it.

I want to be reasonable but right now i am not. I'm ONLY thinking about myself. But really, I'm still nothappy. but it has put some ease to it.

I want to be more confident. I want to care less about waht people think. I want to be okay. I want to be at ease. I want to be okay with saying no.

I want to deal with thngs better.
What if I drop them and I'm still not okay?

but it was worth the try right? better than just trying to make something work when it wasn't. better than being unsatisfied for a long while, then trying something new.

It's chanege time. it's just trial and error. It's all just one big experiemetn.

i hope it's for the best. i hope, emotionally, i'll be better. I hope i'll be stronger, i hope i will find better people to be around with.

i want to stop crying for the same damn reasons all the time. I want to stop crying because I don't know why, but it has become such a routine that it just feels nessccary.

and it shoudn't be like that. it's not healthy.

living the way that I'm living right now is not healthy either. I'm changing but maybe i"m putting myself back by picking up smoking.

I have cut back on other things though.

I have been thinking about itlately, and I want to try E, and maybe shrooms. But i dont' know. it's scary.

Michelle did cokoe last night, which i saw coming whn she told me that she was hanging out with Courtney.

I dont' know what's wrong with her. I feel like we're both feeling the same way. just agigtated as fuck, and grumpy all the time.

I have also decided taht I need to stop swearing, i have developd such a potty mouth. It's ugly, and disgusting, an I need to stop.

I hope I do well with my exam and midterms. Jesse Deggan has become my reason to show up for English class. hah!

I'm so pathetic.